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Topic: My Husband molested my Daughter

Ashamed started this discussion 7.6 years ago #698

Hello All:

Four months ago my 20 year old daughter told me that my husband of 15 years had molested her on several occasions, but that these incidents had occurred in the past. She told me that it had first happened when she was about 13 and it continued sporatically until she graduated high school and left for college. I am still struggling with what to do about all of this, I feel like I have been hit with a nuclear bomb. My daughter says that she has already dealt with this and she has tried to put it behind her; she says that she is still angry at him but that she loves him because he is her "dad" (she cries when she says this) and that she does not want our family to split up, and that she just wants things to be normal again. She is MY daughter from a prior relationship. I have 4 other children with this man, including a 7 month old. There is more.....I have just discovered that he has been unfaithful throughout our marriage. I thought we had a good family and marriage, not without problems, but good nonetheless. There are so many details that are needed to fully portray all of what has transpired here. The point of this post without the lengthy details is that he is wanting to seek out therapy but is afraid to approach a therapist since he thinks that it would get reported to the police. The abuse happened years ago and has not happened since. My daughter does not want to press charges and does not want to split up the family in spite of her pain, she says that she is angry with him but that she still loves him as her dad. He is already seeing a therapist for the infidelities, but has not mentioned the abuse against my daughter. OF COURSE he claims that she was his only victim ever. I have asked my other children on several occasions if they were victimized and I am convinced by their answers that they have not been. I don't think I am just being naive, I am certain, in spite of all the uncertainty that exists here. He is good with the other children and they really depend on him. How do I get him therapy without getting him arrested? My daughter does not want him to go to jail and it would certainly devastate the rest of the children. As I mentioned, I am certain the others have not been victimized. How do I move forward? I have 4 other children and a lifetime invested, with no where to turn. I have been shattered, repeatedly and have tried to put the pieces back together. I know what advice I woould offer to someone if I were reading someone else's post...but there are so many more details, life happenings that add to this picture to fully understand who we are. My daughter is safe. They are not in the house together, since she is away at school. He was out of the house, but ultimately came back to be with the other children. They want him here. I want the man I thought I married, but he never existed. I don't know what to do. WHat do I do?

Hexi joined in and replied with this 7.6 years ago, 1 hour later[^] [v] #0

No, shes not his only victim and you're delusional if you think so. You need to get him arrested, get a divorce and move on because i assure you, it will happen again and again and again. The only reason you're convinced is because you want to be, children are ashamed and confused by such events that you can never be sure if they are lying or not about when asked if they have been used.

You are choosing your own selfish needs over your children. You are a horrible mother. If i knew who you were, i would make sure child protection services would take your kids away from you as you clearly are not fit to take care of them. A child molester is broken but you not doing the right thing is worse. People like you are the reason people grow fucked up.

Anonymous C joined in and replied with this 7.6 years ago, 2 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^] [v] #0

I can appreciate what you're going through, having experienced similar circumstances. I feel you should go to the authorities, and have him arrested. Even if your daughter is not his only victim, she most certainly will not be the last.

Sifter joined in and replied with this 7.6 years ago, 54 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

I"m sorry for your pain in this. It must be almost unbearable - almost impossible to contemplate what really happened or allow it to seem real. I want to warn you that you are in a very dangerous situation, but that it's not the danger that you think. It seems to me that your family dynamics are arranged in such a way that you ALL know very well how to minimise and deny pain and abuse, to keep it under the surface and make it 'not real'. Your husband knows how to do it, you know how to do it and what is heartbreaking is that your daughter knows how to do it too. She knows how to do it so well that it easier for her to bury her pain, carry it herself and imagine it was no big deal than to disrupt your family. If you read back over your message, you will see how you yourself minimise and deny in your language. For example, the abuse was 'sporadic', it 'happened years ago and has not happened since'. She was abused repeatedly in your own home from the age of thirteen until a maximum of what - two, three years ago? Her whole teenage life. She was not safe in her own home. The man she loved as a father was exploiting and sexually abusing her for his own pleasure. And now she's 'safe' because she's moved out. You are concerned with your other children's happiness, security, stability - and probably your own and your husband's - but can you imagine what your daughter has been through? Can you imagine how scared, dirty, guilty, ashamed, anxious, isolated she felt carrying all that on her own from such a young age? She says she has dealt with it herself, but given how much denial the rest of the family is in, and how keen she is to protect him, you and the other kids, I think this is more denial.

The nuclear bomb has gone off, and you are hoping there is not really any radiation problem. Where is your anger at your husband, who was quite happy to systematically destroy your child's happiness, *for years*? Your other children may or may not be 'safe' in that he may or may not be sexually abusing them - but he's still an abuser. Is it okay that he was willing to do this to your daughter because she wasn't his real daughter? Is it okay to have your kids brought up by that kind of person?

You are right that the man you married never existed. I'm sorry for that. But that illusion is gone now. Don't try to get it back at your daughter's expense. It's gone, gone, gone.

(Edited 4 minutes later.)

Cassandra joined in and replied with this 7.6 years ago, 6 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

I'm sorry to be blunt and Indon't mean to hurt your feelings...but I think I'm going to. A mother who could say "I want the man I thought I married" is the kind of mother whose daughter can be repeatedly molested by a man right under her nose and not know. You don't want to know, because your illusion of having what you need is more important than the safety of your children. Your daughter loves her illusion (the father she doesn't have) too. Trust me, she doesn't love her molester. The fact that you tell us there are details not included here is amazing. All that matters is your daughter was sexually abused. Nothing else counts. The fact that you are not calling the police is a HUGE betrayal of your daughter. She does not have a father and she does not have a mother.

Anonymous C replied with this 7.6 years ago, 8 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
> She does not have a father and she does not have a mother
I think that's an unfairly harsh thing to say. I do agree, though, that the police need to know about this.

Ashamed (OP) replied with this 7.6 years ago, 8 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

You know, as I read over these replies..I KNOW that this is EXACTLY what I would say to someone else. I know I would. But being IN the situation clouds your perspective. I want to do what is best for ALL of my children; I have my oldest, the victim pleading with me to keep the family together, that is what SHE requested. My younger children have a great relationship with their father, I truly do not believe that I am being delusional when I say that they have not been victimized. I DO HAVE MY EYES OPEN TO THAT NOW. I take such offense to the strike at me that I am a terrible mother. A mother is the only thing I have ever been. I sacraficed everything just to be always present for my kids. I was conned. I was victimized too. That lash out at me is almost just as painful as everything that I have recently gone through. Yes, I am carrying guilt over not having provided the safe home that my daughter deserved, but it is not the guilt that pains me, it is when I think about HER hurt and her pain. If you were able to hear her words and hear her speak, she would stun and impress you. She is more evolved than anyone I have ever known and I do not know how or when that happened. She is still going to go and seek counseling, because I asked her to do it. I know that there is a huge problem here and my CHILDREN ARE PRIORITY. The confusing part is that, of the people that know, (family members) they are ALL asking me to seek out counseling for him and give him a chance to heal. WHY?? Maybe they have been blinded by the BS that he has shoveled out all these years too...or maybe there is a chance that he can be rehabilitated? Yes, it is true, I don't want to believe the worst, and the absolute worst has happened. I felt my spirit die that day; but I had to get up and be alive and be present for my kids. I had to give them the best environment that I could with what I had. They pleaded for him to come back...because you have not dealt with that pain, you don't know. I didn't know. That is why I say, I know what advice I would give to others, but my perspective from the inside looking out is very different, as it would be for anyone in my shoes. We had a seemingly very normal family life and very normal household. He did a good job at hiding all of his crap. How do I just shatter all of that for these kids. This is the same feeling my daughter had. Incidentally, the very first thing that I did was toss him out of the house and away from the kids, but they had no idea why. It was ony after many conversations, and their pleading that I allowed him back on a limited basis. That is what brought me here. This is not about MY selfishness...I could live without HIM, I just do not want to hurt my kids if there is any hope. You are right..I am minimizing the abuse, because the pain of this all is just THAT unbearable. That must be a defense mechanism. (crying still)

Ashamed (OP) double-posted this 7.6 years ago, 7 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

I didn't call because she did not want me to! She said that she would not testify and would not press charges; that she did not want to deal with it all over again. She said that for her, this was "old" it was already in the past...for me it was brand new because I just now found out about it. I say more details not because I am minimizing what happened to her, OF COURSE that is MOST IMPORTANT!! She maintains a father daughter relationship with him even now. She maintained it all the while, there were NO SIGNS at all! This is troubling to me. I am a mother to my daughter. This happened to her and I didn't know, it happened right under my nose, I have to live with that....but I am a mother to my daughter!! That is all I have ever been! I will continue to be that till the day I die.

Hexi replied with this 7.6 years ago, 33 seconds later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Your kids will understand, eventually. I'm thankful to my mother that she left my dad, who wasn't even a sexual abuser but a drunk, a violent drunk. Both of my brothers are thankful as well. I speak from experience when i say that they will be better off in a broken up home than a broken home.

Ashamed (OP) replied with this 7.6 years ago, 57 seconds later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

The other question is, what will the police do if she will not give a statement and since it happened years ago and is not happening in the present? What CAN they do?

Ashamed (OP) double-posted this 7.6 years ago, 1 minute later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

@Hexi...thank you. I appreciate your words, as I know that they come from the heart. Now all I need is some cooperation from my kids and some strength :(

Cassandra replied with this 7.6 years ago, 16 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Your daughter will no longer beg you to keep the family together when you assure her that the break up of the family (the removal of the child molester) is NOT HER FAULT. If you want to be her mother, tell her that she is innocent. Tell her that the child molester has already destroyed the family. Tell her that you don't want to live in the same house and subject your children to a child predator. Tell her that the idea of spending one more minute in the same house with this child molester makes your skin crawl. She FEELS GUILTY. It's up to you to ease her guilt. But you won't.

Ashamed (OP) replied with this 7.6 years ago, 9 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

@Cassandra...I have said all those very SAME words....over and over. I hear you and your message, but can you FEEL what is going on inside this house? SO much hurt for all of them!!

Cassandra replied with this 7.6 years ago, 37 minutes later, 3 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Yes, it hurts to have your father turn out to be a child molester. It hurts worse for your mother to not turn him. It's telling that you are listening to your children instead of protecting them. Is it because what they want fits in with you wanting the illusion over the reality? There is NO WAY you can safely have him around your children. Child molesters are compulsive. They do not stop molesting. As a parent you are no different from a teacher or therapist-you have a moral and legal obligation to report hi. If you don't, you should be arrested to. Imagine a teacher who allowed a classroom volunteer to continue being in the classroom knowing he had repeatedly molested a child. "Oh, they begged me, they loved him, what could I do?" What do you think the parents of the students reaction would be? It would be-what the hell is your problem? You don't deserve to have children under your care. The reason you're allowing yourself to be influenced by your children's reaction to kicking him out is because you are dependent on him. That is stronger than your desire to be a mother.

Ashamed (OP) replied with this 7.6 years ago, 7 minutes later, 3 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0 are right that I have been dependant on much more than you know, from what I have stated here. But you are wrong in that , that is tronger than my desire to be a mother!! My desire to be a mother brought me to this post, to reach out, because I am in pain over my children's pain. I am their mother first and foremost. When people are in pain, tremendous pain, like this...their judgement is impaired...I thank you for the perspective. You are right..I know what I have to do. I do deserve my children. They do have at least ONE good parent and I will be that for them. Thank you for the strength.

Jennifer joined in and replied with this 7.6 years ago, 11 minutes later, 3 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

could you really kiss him again?

Ashamed (OP) replied with this 7.6 years ago, 10 minutes later, 4 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

@Jennifer...i know what you are asking..I struggle with that thought....I am incredibly distraught, more than I can explain. I feel pain from all angles,for my daughter, my other children, the lives they have known, that are gone now. I was trying to hold onto all the pieces for them, truly for them, so as not to disrupt them and cause more pain. It has been disrupted and there is nothing I can do. I have to let it all fall apart. I am in mourning for it all.

Cassandra replied with this 7.6 years ago, 19 minutes later, 4 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Well then you don't realize the blessing they have.

Been Through it Too joined in and replied with this 7.6 years ago, 1 day later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

I have just gone through this this week. My son told me that his dad had touched him inappropriately, and I turned my husband in to the police and called the child abuse hotline. It is a horrible thing to go through. Eventually I want to start a support organization for families who are going through this we need lots of support. This is an extremely lonely and frightening position to be in. It is easy to minimize and rationalize and justify because we have been scammed for years by someone we thought we knew. My heart goes out to you. I am glad I did what I did. Get yourself into counseling. Turn him into the police. He needs help. Regular therapists are NOT trained to address this. He needs specialized help that only can be provided by agencies who specialize in this sort of thing agencies that have therapist who are trained through the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers (ATSA). Therapists who are worth their salt will NOT allow him to be treated "under the table." They will INSIST on legal action. They are not only concerned with protecting your family, but also the community. If a molester has one victim, there are always more. Please, get yourself an ATSA trained therapist (look up their website). That therapist will give you the support you need to do the right thing. ALSO you MUST get him out from under your roof. Otherwise, you risk LOSING your own kids for "failing to protect." If he won't leave, then you and the kids have got to leave. Do this NOW. The law does NOT look kindly on parents who keep kids in homes where abusers live. Please let us know how it is going. You MUST do this TODAY. DO NOT DELAY. DO NOT RISK LOSING YOUR KIDS. Even if you say nothing and your daughter says nothing, odds are he WILL molest again-- and then investigators would probably take your kids away at least temporarily while they investigate YOU TOO. If you are not living with him, however, this will not happen.

Right NOW you need to go to the Stop it Now Website: They have support resources for you. They also have a hotline (no caller id) that you can call for help. This is not your ordinary hotline-- the person you will speak with is extremely qualified. Call 1-888-PREVENT

Please keep us posted. You are in my prayers.

(Edited 22 minutes later.)

Sifter replied with this 7.6 years ago, 8 minutes later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

Been Through it Too - you have my strong admiration. Thank you for this excellent and informative post, and for doing the right thing for your family and the community.

Been Through it Too replied with this 7.6 years ago, 12 minutes later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

Thank you for that encouragement. You have no idea how comforting it is.

Sifter replied with this 7.6 years ago, 5 minutes later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

I'm glad. I hope you have good people around to help look after you and your child or children right now. The information you posted above will be extremely helpful to other posters, now and in the future, and I am sure others here will help to disseminate it when other situations come up. You've done well.

Duped joined in and replied with this 7.4 years ago, 2 months later, 2 months after the original post[^] [v] #0

I'm in the same boat. Totally financially dependent on my husband,Stay at home mom for the last 10 years. My youngest came to me recently and told me that "daddy was touching her". I immediately called his mother,told her what he did and she came and removed him immediately from the house.(I really thought that I was going to kill him)I then informed the authorities.I have no job,I have no money. My only priority was to my child. It was instinct. I didn't think at all about the material. (I'm thinking about it now though,because we are totally broke.) I have faith that we will be okay. I could never look him in the face without wanting to murder him. He makes me literally sick to my stomach. I couldn't even imagine laying next to him in bed at night knowing what he did. How can you?

broken joined in and replied with this 6.2 years ago, 1.2 year later, 1.5 year after the original post[^] [v] #0

My adult daughter has gone through the same situation. Everyone, my adult children, pastors, etc all have tried to encourage us to work out our marriage. The police were involved the day I found out. But since my daughter refused to press charges they did nothing. I have had my own bedroom ever since. I can't get past what happened. He disgusts me. Divorce seems inevitable. My daughter has had counseling he hasn't. I've been on antidepressants n treatment. My family has been broken. Trust no longer exists.

Sherry joined in and replied with this 6.2 years ago, 44 minutes later, 1.5 year after the original post[^] [v] #0

This is not going to be what you want to hear, I am a daughter who was molested by her father
and my mother knew that it was going on, because at one point we all three had the same
sexually transmitted infection. You are an unfit mother if you stay with this creep one more
second unless you take your children and leave them with some other family members to raise and
never bring them back into the house with you and your man who is so dam important to you.

You will get no break from me, he did this to your daughter he needs to be out of your home he
needs to be out of the other childrens lives, I do not care what he says or what they say he has
almost certainly done the same things to one or more of them, depending on their ages and how much
they understand they may not tell you out of fear. They do not want to see their family fall apart.
Also at this point they may have blocked the memories out of thier minds as I did for many years.
Now get stop being stupid and do one or the other, get rid of the dirt bag, or take you children to
someone who gives a dam, ashamed dam right crawl under a rock.

(Edited 50 seconds later.)

Pandora joined in and replied with this 6.2 years ago, 1 week later, 1.5 year after the original post[^] [v] #0

@Been Through It Too

Respect to you, I can't imagine what it's like to go through this. Thank God your boy has you for a mother!

Marc joined in and replied with this 6.2 years ago, 5 hours later, 1.5 year after the original post[^] [v] #0

It hurts me to read this. A father rapes his 13 year old daughter. I sit here in front of my computer and I can't do anything. Monsters like these need to suffer like the worst, so they can see what they have done. Please, people send those bastards to jail. Have some justice, how can you let them be free? But monsters like these press on their victims, might make them even feel bad, brainwash them and make them respect them, make them lose their backbone and strength and will turn them slowly into their slaves. Please don't let it happen. SEND THIS MAN INTO JAIL! THIS IS NOT A FATHER YOUR CHILDREN NEED! I AM BEGGING YOU! PLEASE UNDERSTAND THIS MAN IS A EVIL MONSTER IN DISGUISE!

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