When I was about 5 or 7 we had a close family friend who was also a computer expert and spend a lot time in our home setting up computers. I once asked him to download a game for me and he said "Only if you kiss me". When I went for his cheek he said "No, a real kiss" and made me kiss him on the mouth. He is about 20 years older than me.
Ever since, all memories of him are a blur or sudden flashes. I remember kissing him and I believe he's seen me naked in the bathroom once too but Im not sure if he touched me or not. I remember feeling embarassed and scared of him afterwards and would hide in my room whenever he visited. Yet I have no clear memory of molestation. As I got older though, around 10, he stopped paying attention to me. Now I am 16 and I keep getting memory flashes about him. Its like a scary puzzle that Im afraid to complete.
Ive noticed the following things:
1. I feel no attraction for boys my age or even slightly older. I always feel sexually attracted to men nearly twice my age and try to get their attention.
2. I really dislike physical contact. I feel very uncomfortable with hugging or being too close to someone. Yet I dont dislike sex and my few experiences have been good but not very intimate.
3. I get anxiety attacks when I try hard to remember.
4. Ive read somewhere that abuse victims also have sexual knowledge beyond their years. Ive always known way too much about sex, even as a little kid, and my friends would wonder how could I know all these things.
I cant afford a therapist and also my parents have no idea.
I would appreaciate your views.