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Topic: Submissive to men I'm attracted to

WonderfulClient started this discussion 5.2 years ago #2,728

I don't know how to explain where I'm going with this... so bear with me...

I've realized that when I'm attracted to someone (which is incredibly rare), I become completely submissive, and just want to "give myself" to them.
It's not just a sexual thing. It's this weird, submissive thing, that once I've decided I like you, then I want you to have me however you want me. Whether its sexual, or great friends, or a relationship, or if you just want to beat me - I don't care - I just want you to have me.
Anyone care to psychoanalyze here?

And the thing about this all is - I cannot for the life of me figure out what it is that I want from them. Once I'm attracted to someone, I just want THEM - it doesn't matter in what way - whether we're just fuck buddies, or good friends, or dating - I just want SOMETHING - and I would be happy with anything they decide as long as the result is that I'm in some way important in their lives.
This makes it really hard to interact with them because I can't figure out if I'm trying to seduce them, or if I should try to be that funny/positive person in their life, or if should be their rock...

I think this is relatively new for me (in the past I knew if I was attracted to someone just because I wanted sex, or I thought they would make a good partner in a relationship...), but I felt this way with my therapist (that I didn't care how he wanted me - I just wanted him to want me) and now I'm finding myself feeling that same way about someone else.
It's a pretty fucked up way to feel, so I'm wondering if psychoanalyzing it could help...

(Edited 9 minutes later.)

WonderfulClient (OP) double-posted this 5.2 years ago, 7 minutes later[^] [v] #0

I should clarify that this happens once to twice a year tops - to find someone that I'm very attracted to in this way - it's not common, and it really screws with me when it happens.

Right now there's this guy in the new school I'm at (so I'm stuck being around him all day) that I have this incredible attraction for. I am in a relationship, and I don't plan on doing anything with this guy (I will ignore any posts about me being a whore), but I find myself incredibly attracted to him. I don't know why - nothing special about him - but once that flip gets switched in my head, that I find you attractive, it's the most intense thing and I can't stop obsessing about you.

If it were a simple thing about thinking he's attractive and wanting to have sex with him then I would know what's going on and it would be fine - but it's really screwing with me the way that I'm attracted to him - the way I want him for anything - sex, love, relationship - I recognize that it's not normal at all. And the feelings are so much more intense than when you normally meet someone you're attracted to/click with. I'm very attached to him already.

Also, and this isn't the first time this has happened, I find myself really wanting him to know about my abuse. I think back, and I felt this way every time I have these intense attractions for someone. Does that make sense? I feel like most people try to hide abuse like that. It's like I'm looking for a saviour or something and all of a sudden my brain thinks that some random guy is the right guy and I'd do anything for him to save me.

I know this is silly - but the feelings get so intense that I don't know how to deal with them - so I'm wondering if maybe I could control them better if I understood why they're there? I don't know...

(Btw, didn't I say that if I stopped becoming so obsessed with my therapist then I'd find someone new to get obsessed with? Well there ya go - here it is!)

(Edited 50 seconds later.)

Shh joined in and replied with this 5.2 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 hour after the original post[^] [v] #0

errr.... I guess looking back at significant relationships, esp those with primary caregivers might provide you with some answers...what did you need to do in order to feel loved and cared for by your parents?

I think obsessing can be a coping mechanism, a way of occupying your mind to block out any uncomfortable or painful thoughts and feelings that you can't tolerate very well.

Collectively, I would say it might all be related to painful feelings to do with lack of self worth (feeling unloveable, not worthy of caring about type thing), relating to you needing to submit to your parents' (one or both), every whim in order to feel 'good enough', and to feel loved... like their love was conditional rather than unconditional, hinged upon you doing everything they asked of you- ie: being submissive

Does any of that sound plausible?

WonderfulClient (OP) replied with this 5.2 years ago, 21 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Thanks for your response, shh.

> errr.... I guess looking back at significant relationships, esp those with primary caregivers might provide you with some answers...what did you need to do in order to feel loved and cared for by your parents?
I try to figure this out and I'm not sure. I don't remember anything at all about my childhood, so I go based on what people told me.
Apparently my mom gave me constant attention. I have many siblings, and I was always the centre of attention. From everyone, actually - coaches, teachers, friends' parents - people (apparently) always focused on me and how pretty I was.

As for my dad - I don't know - my siblings and mom tell me that he spent a normal amount of time with me, but I have a hard time believing it. I don't remember spending ANY time with him and I don't feel close to him at all.
I know that my memory is distorted to a certain degree, though - because I've found pictures where, for example, I'm sitting on his lap and he's reading me a story - had someone told me we did that as kids, I wouldn't have believed it.

There was constant, constant pressure as a kid. Constant needing to succeed - in school, in sports, in being pretty - in order to get the attention/approval/love from my parents (mainly my dad). I'm not sure if it was that way when I was a young child, but I know it was that way when I was ~10-13.
I became really depressed when I was 13 and have barely spoken to my dad since then. He tried helping at first, until I tried to kill myself when I was 15 and he (his words) stopped loving me then.

I can spill out all this information but I don't really see how it explains the way it realtes.
To a certain degree it would make sense that I want attention, since I had to work hard to get it as a child (not sure about young child, but pre-teens I had to), but that doesn't explain wanting to be whatever they want.

Well, I guess, when I was ~10-13 I did exactly what my parents - played the sports they wanted, had whatever interests I thought they wanted me to have, etc. Not sure if that maybe relates. Maybe there's this (unconscious) desperation for attention that I will be whatever someone wants me to be if it means I will be important to them?

EDIT: You know what else? This JUST clicked.
People always tell me I want attention - and I always get annoyed when they say that because it simply is not true. I don't like getting attention from strangers or even the vast majority of people in my life. But it's true that there are a select few people that I DESPERATELY crave attention from.
I suppose it makes sense if, as a child, I felt like I got attention from everyone besides my dad. The attention from "normal" people is annoying, I'm tired of it, but I desperately want attention from people that make me feel the way I felt around my father (subconsciously, I'm assuming)

> I think obsessing can be a coping mechanism, a way of occupying your mind to block out any uncomfortable or painful thoughts and feelings that you can't tolerate very well.
I obsess A LOT. I mean to a degree you can't even imagine. With Scott, with other people in my past - absolutely.
That's why I said that I knew if I let go of Scott (which I kind of have), I knew I would develop an obsession over someone knew (which I seem to be doing).

> Collectively, I would say it might all be related to painful feelings to do with lack of self worth (feeling unloveable, not worthy of caring about type thing), relating to you needing to submit to your parents' (one or both), every whim in order to feel 'good enough', and to feel loved... like their love was conditional rather than unconditional, hinged upon you doing everything they asked of you- ie: being submissive
I should have read your whole post instead of reading/responding to one part after another because I wouldn't have had to write everything I wrote had I read this first.
This makes a great deal of sense. Wanting to feel "good enough". That feeling never goes away.

But now the question is - how do I change my behaviour/feelings?
Understanding what has caused me to feel this way doesn't change that I do feel this way, and it's overwhelming to be around someone and feel this way (to desperately want to be special to them)

Also, I wonder very much why I pick the men I pick. This guy I'm seeing right now - I can't figure out what it is that's any different between him and the other average guy in my school, yet I've developed this obsession of wanting to submit to him and be important to him.

(Edited 2 minutes later.)

Tonya joined in and replied with this 5.2 years ago, 48 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

The same thing happens to me.. but with me I am shy so I have rarely ever actually dated or hooked up with the people tht I feel this way about cause they dont know I feel that way. My therapist would be a good example.. but yea it rarely actually happens... and I think it is usually people of power or if not that just a guy that is very in control and I will get obsessed even if in my head all I want is sex

(Edited 55 seconds later.)

WonderfulClient (OP) replied with this 5.2 years ago, 5 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I'm similar when it comes to it usually being people of power (professors, coaches, bosses), although lately, now that I'm a bit older, I'm noticing it's more people of my age that I'm attracted to (as opposed to being 15 years old and attracted to my 30 year old teacher).
Thinking more about it though, I think it's possible that something in common about the randomness of the men I pick is that they all seem to be powerful in some way or another, even if it's not positions of authority.

I don't usually date or hook up with people I feel this way about either - for example, now, with this guy, I would not actually hit on him or try to seduce him.
But every once in a while one of these guys must somehow catch on to how I'm feeling, they make the first move, and we hook up.
And if that were the case now, even being in a relationship, if he came on to me I don't think I'd be able to say no.

(Edited 37 seconds later.)

Tonya replied with this 5.2 years ago, 7 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

reading this is helpful cause I had similar issue.. but its that my dad is just lacking of emotion.. actually I wont say that because he feels them he just cannot express them. My mom always showered me with attention as well however w her it was always I was an angel or I was the devil. Never in between. Love hate thing and still is. With my dad however it was a reach to get anything... I remember I would draw a picture for example. My mom is all OMG UR AN ARTIST THIS IS AMAZING. i show it to my dad and he says something like. "Ok" with a straight face. Hugs are akward with him and only happen on holidays after gift exhanges.. the words I love you are only written on text message..which is rare.. thank God for technology.. as a matter of fact he is my biological father but I never called him dad. I love him but there is something akward about calling him dad. I hate that its like that and I wish I could change it.. but anyways thats prolly why I do that too..the whole craving attention from few select people..I think the people I have felt that way about ususually play a father type role..

Tonya double-posted this 5.2 years ago, 1 minute later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
EXACTLY! Yea there have been a couple times where they made the first move and things happen!!

Tonya triple-posted this 5.2 years ago, 6 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

this is actually one of the things I wanted to talk about in therapy but never got to. I always called them "sex crushes" but yea as I am getting older I find they can be more thn that. and like u said its a whatever u want with me type thing..I guess its a given that guys want sex so thats where it starts but if they wanted more would be open to that.

WonderfulClient (OP) replied with this 5.2 years ago, 1 hour later, 4 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

So here's my issue...

Now, I am spending as much time daydreaming/fantasizing about conversations with this guy as I used to do with Scott.

The problem wasn't Scott. It's me. And I have to change it if I am going to be in any way productive in my life, but I'm not managing to change it. I space out thinking about whatever we talked about, think about talking to him more about it, and all of a sudden an hour or two hours have passed and I have to stay up until 4am to finish the readings I should have been done at 2am

Sifter joined in and replied with this 5.2 years ago, 30 minutes later, 5 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Soooo... does this mean you'll let yourself go back and see Scott to try to work this out?

WonderfulClient (OP) replied with this 5.2 years ago, 10 minutes later, 5 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
> Soooo... does this mean you'll let yourself go back and see Scott to try to work this out?
That's a very interesting question.
I would like to. I really want to work on this. I think I struggle with actually going through with working on it because I don't see how it can help. I can get to the bottom of understanding WHY I feel/behave that way, but I don't see how that would change my feelings/behaviour.
But yes, I would like to, and I think it's worth a shot.
It was hard to work on this before because he was the object of the obsession - now it might be easier to talk to him about it, since I don't have to directly talk about him and what I want to do with him (though I might get obsessed again if I go see him again)
I don't think I will go right now (as in, this month) because I'm behind on everything for school and know that it will consume a lot of my time/mental energy to go to him and talk about it so I will probably wait until December.
Then again, if this whole daydreaming about the new guy thing keeps up, then I'm wasting just as much time not doing work as I would if I were to see Scott and day dream/fantasize about him. If that happens, then I'll go see him before December.

(Edited 6 minutes later.)

Shh replied with this 5.2 years ago, 6 hours later, 11 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Sorry I wasn't around when you posted all this WC and Tonya...

I'm not sure entirely how it works, but I think therapy is the answer...you need a therapist who can "love you" in the right way so that you can learn to love yourself and not need that validation from others so badly.

My situation has had some similarities to yours, but in other ways is very different.
I picture things in my head like a baby just crying out to be loved and looked after, and although other parts of me have grown into an adult, that part of me never had its needs fulfilled by my parents how it should've been, it was never nutured and raised into an adult with a good sense of self-worth and an ability for self-care, it remained in a childlike state, just begging for someone to love it... and I developed behaviours that try to help me quell that feeling deep inside of just needing to be held and loved.

In therapy, your therapist cannot love you like a parent or a lover, but they can "hold" your emotions rather than hold you physically, they can convey that sense of caring. Erotic transference if handled well, can take our ability to like and want someone else and help us use those emotions to like and want ourselves, and our ability to love someone else, turned into an ability to love oneself...and even the obsessing over someone else, can be viewed as a need and ability to give yourself that obsessive level of attention, to help to nourish that part of you that is still crying out for attention, feeling unloved and uncared for child, and grow her into an adult and bring her in line with the rest of yourself...

...and if you do that, then those transference feelings will diminish, and the obsessing will start to calm down...and you will feel happier and more at peace with yourself.

It's a long road, and a frustrating road, as often you know what you need to do, or how you should be challenging your own thoughts and actions, but you just can't seem to do it sucessfully because the old ways of being are so ingrained, and your self-worth is so low, you just can't find a way to believe that you are worth anything different....but gradually it does start to work, and you will start to feel more of a sense of worth, and so much better in yourself

(Edited 6 minutes later.)

Tonya replied with this 5.2 years ago, 15 hours later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I like that

Tonya double-posted this 5.2 years ago, 38 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

I know it will be a hard road. I am going to try with a new therapist have an appointment next month.

Tonya triple-posted this 5.2 years ago, 2 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

This post just blew my mind though cause I had wanted to talk about it in therapy but was embarassed and thought I was the only one with this issue. Thanks for posting it!

WonderfulClient (OP) replied with this 5.2 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
This was really nice to read

fawn joined in and replied with this 5.2 years ago, 3 days later, 5 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

WC,

My first thoughts were that perhaps you felt safe with him...maybe unconsciously; still, maybe the submissiveness is related to fears of abandonment. After all, you aim to please. You are willing to trade your autonomy for the protection. Only a guess..

But I was thinking these feelings might be coming to light as a result of your therapy efforts. I think your therapist is A+++. You found a gem. I hope you stay with him.

Iv'e been sorta following your posts for
about 2 months now. I can literally see
the changes. I'm no one sifnifigant here.

fawn double-posted this 5.2 years ago, 3 minutes later, 5 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

having trouble with the browser...

just wanted to say-I've seen alot about therapy relationships and others' therapy relationships, and I think you have something good here, and that it might be life transforming for you.

Hope you hang in there.

- Anonymous friend

(Edited 1 minute later.)

WonderfulClient (OP) replied with this 5.2 years ago, 1 hour later, 5 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

It creeps me out a little bit when someone comes on here and tells me they've been reading my posts for a while! Don't take that the wrong way - just that it's anonymous - and when you think of it, you could be Scott, or someone who saw me at school on this website, or anyone else.
Any way - I appreciate you coming out and saying hi :)

YES! I think you've got it right that I feel safe with him. It makes sense. There's something about him being so physically strong that makes me feel safe. I've felt strange being attracted to him because I am NOT usually attracted to men who are strong physically. Muscles have always grossed me out. But on him all of a sudden I think it's the sexiest thing. I think there's something about it that makes me feel safe right now.

I have two good friends in law school - this guy that I'm really attracted to, and another guy that I get along with really well. The three of us are close. The guy I get along with really well started telling me how cute of a couple me and the guy I'm really attracted to would be. I got all embarrassed, like I'm in high school again, since I'm engaged after all, and he said he could see it - the attraction. I'm not sure what to do with it. This friend of mine tells me he feels the attraction going the other way as well, and I worry I'll find myself going in the wrong direction.

There's no doubt it's related to my therapy - not sure how many of my posts you've followed, but I've been letting go of Scott - my stalking was pretty extreme before and I've just about completely cut it out. Along with cutting that out, the intensity of my emotions for him have started to fade (they're still there, but not at an unbearable intensity like they used to be).

There's something inside of me that craves intensity, it seems. Not intentionally, but I find drama, and passion, and intensity in my life and my relationships. Now that Scott's "gone", in that sense, it seems to much of a coincidence that I'm all of a sudden developing these intense feelings for someone new.

And the fact that I'm "letting go" of Scott, makes sense that I'm looking for someone that helps me feel safe.

Btw, I agree that Scott is/was an amazing therapist. I've been seeing him less and less these days - main reason is due to the time restrictions I have (not just seeing him but the time I spend thinking of him after seeing him), because I am so incredibly limited with time these days, and money is a factor as well.
I don't plan on never seeing him again - but it probably won't be until December that I see him again, once my exams are done.

(Edited 3 minutes later.)

fawn replied with this 5.2 years ago, 37 minutes later, 5 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

omg sorry, realized how that might look to you. I get creeped out from things too, I hear you.

Just wanted to say quickly- i am just someone who loves psychology and figuring people out.
I wasn't able to register here before, but tried again when the software was updated.

Don't have time to comment now but just wanted to say- no worries!!!

:p
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