Notice: You have been identified as a bot, so no internal UID will be assigned to you. If you are a real person messing with your useragent, you should change it back to something normal.

Topic: My whole life has been a lie. Terribly long rant...sorry.

T started this discussion 4.7 years ago #2,673

I don't really even know where to begin. It just sounds like a voice that's been in my head ever since I can remember. I was always so sensitive as a child. I remember our next door neighbor told me I was going to go to hell when he caught his daughter and I playing doctor together. I was six or seven at that time. I was obsessed with every girl I met at that young age. I always tried to get them to take their clothes off. My mother severely sheltered me, her only child. My father returned from Nam and was quiet, but a good man. He worked a second job at night and I was always scared. My mother would tell me she was going to kill me if I didn't go to sleep when I was scared.Then she would lock herself in her room. We were at a restaurant one time and she told me to go wash my hands. I was scared and didn't want to go. She grabbed me by the arm and told me she was going to kill me if I didn't go wash my hands. She did this quiet a lot. I used to throw rocks through my window at night and act like I was asleep. She would come in my room and ask me what happened. I told her someone must have thrown a rock through the window. They finally moved me to another bedroom and I did the same thing in there also. I remember my one year old puppy had to be put to sleep because his back legs became paralyzed. My dad used to whip him a lot and throw him across the room. They told me he would go to heaven and when I asked what that was, they told me it was a place he would live forever. I was so angry with "god" I can remember cursing him and punching the walls in our home for weeks. I was about eight at the time. Around nine I developed gynecomastia really bad. Kids teased me all the time. To this day I still have it and haven't taken my shirt off in public in almost forty years. I even duct tape to cover it up. I wet the bed until I was seventeen/eighteen. When I would spend the night out I would stay up all night and go home to sleep all the next day. My parents sent me to some kind of weekly church group when I was nine/ten years old. The leaders in the group told me I would go to hell if I didn't get saved. I remember some sort of film that showed people doing bad things and then actually burning in flames in hell. An older boy in the neighborhood used to make me perform fellatio on him. I was around nine and he was sixteen/seventeen. Around ten I started masturbating every day after school. I had such bad gynecomastia that people wrote in my yearbook almost every year about it. One guy I remember wrote...to the only guy I know that has tits bigger than my mom. I never dated, but always masturbated until about seventeen. I worked out a lot and got to looking a little better. I met my first girlfriend and once we had sex,that was all I ever wanted to do. I wanted to do it everywhere and anytime I could think of. After a while I started getting severely jealous if she even looked in another guys direction. I started drinking heavily almost every day. I would apologize to her, have sex with her, and then treat her like she was the biggest whore in the world. This went on for four years until one day she just left and never came back. I went into severe depression, anxiety, drug use, etc... All of this time, from early teens till even now I was always so overly concerned what people thought of me. Anger avoider and people pleaser. In private I would rage and hate though. I never physically hurt anyone. I never stole, fought, got in trouble, but I was covering every bit of pain up because I hated myself. I still do that. I met a woman when I was twenty three. She was eighteen. She is still my wife after twenty three years. The shit I have put her through, I should get the death penalty. I never physically harmed her, but I have been emotionally abusive. Had several flings, stayed drunk, quit good jobs, and just been a total ass. I over dosed in 2005 and have been sober several times, but relapsed after a period. Things would go well in sobriety, but then the time would come to get honest in the steps and I would start drinking again. It would be different this time I said. The whole crazy thing is that I am a really good person, or so I believe. My whole life has been a lie. I even think that I'm a good person!? I have to make sure that everybody thinks that I'm a good person and nothing is wrong. That false ego has just about killed me and I can't keep trying to pretend that I'm ok. It's so hard for me to let go, but if I don't then I guess I will never get better. I've been to therapy, treatment, etc... but if I never really tell them how sick I really am, then they can't help me.

Sifter joined in and replied with this 4.7 years ago, 2 hours later[^] [v] #0

Hi T. You've been through a shit-ton, huh? I'm sorry for all the pain that has come your way. I believe you are a good person too, and I love that you are so honest here. Your observation about the false ego is a great one. I think that's right, that you need to start letting that go before you'll be able to start healing some of that pain. It's time you got to lay some of the burden down and feel the freedom of being honest. Life is to short to carry around such heavy masks. You weren't to blame for the painful things that happened to you, so you don't need to hide the pain. Or what it did to you. You've spent your life trying to get comfort and escape the only ways you knew how.

I hope you will be able to keep being honest here, and start sharing some of the honesty with the people in your life. And keep reaching out for help, because you deserve to have some real comfort and some freedom.

T (OP) replied with this 4.7 years ago, 5 hours later, 7 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Thank you Sifter. Yeah, been through a lot. That wasn't even the half of it. I could go on and on. My situation is unique right? Ha, yeah right! I guess that's just another "bondage of self" self centered thinking process. I can't really even trust how I think or feel because I'm pretty sick. I do myself in every time and they say that a sick mind can't heal itself. I guess I'm finally starting to believe that. I've tried to do it myself and it just does not work. I've tried to stay strong for way too long. Against what? My self!? That's just crazy. It's just been a lie. Me, me, me, me, me.... I guess none of us are really that unique in our situations. Some are bad, some are worse, some aren't that bad, and some are just horrible. I feel deeply for people that have been through the really terrible stuff. It's what we do to get better I guess. You are right. It's time to lay some of the burden down and feel the freedom of being honest. It's pretty easy to be honest behind a keyboard, but in the real world is where I'm going to have to do it. Of course I'll set a trap even just thinking about doing it. Anyway... I could ramble on and on. Thank you Sifter for your words of kindness. They do mean a lot. Have a great day.

Molly joined in and replied with this 4.7 years ago, 45 minutes later, 8 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Tonya,

I am honored to be one of the lucky ones to see your true self. Thank you.

No more holding up a false image.No more pretending it's all good. No more holding so tight to an image to cover all the 'bad' stuff. You might just be surprised to see the fragile,hurt little boy that's been hidden away in that attempt at covering. It's now about him,and nothing else. Don't you think he has been waiting long enough? You are beyond amazing,and beautiful.Fear,pain,hurt,angry..There is not one part of you that is unworthy of acceptance. Your parents/other authority were wrong all along.I'm so sorry..actually words fail,at the shear dissapointment in the authority figures in your life that didn't have the abilty to see past their own self hatred..never seeing this little boy.Do not turn your back on him anymore.He needs one person to see who he really is. xoxoxox-Molly

(Edited 39 minutes later.)

Sifter replied with this 4.7 years ago, 22 minutes later, 8 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
:) Molly hon, it's a different T - this fellow isn't Tonya. Much of what you say here is true, but not the 'little girl' part.

Molly replied with this 4.7 years ago, 18 minutes later, 8 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

OK T. I now imagine you as a boy,haha. But it doesn't matter the sex anyway.Every child,and person is equal.

Hexi joined in and replied with this 4.7 years ago, 1 minute later, 8 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> OK T. I now imagine you as a boy,haha. But it doesn't matter the sex anyway.Every child,and person is equal.

That's a nice fantasy. I'm not saying it's not a nice ideal, but we all know that's not how it works in the real world. Maybe one day. :)

(Edited 17 seconds later.)

Molly replied with this 4.7 years ago, 5 minutes later, 8 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Yea.that is for sure. No one sees us as equal. Kids still aren't deserving of the same respect as adults..Same with woman in many places. Now I'm just getting upset.:o

Ailonna joined in and replied with this 4.7 years ago, 52 minutes later, 9 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Molly, are you a ginger with long hair and green eyes?

Molly joined in and replied with this 4.7 years ago, 3 hours later, 13 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Do you want me to be? But no,I'm not. :)

Tonya joined in and replied with this 4.7 years ago, 1 hour later, 14 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

yea that was confusing lol I am here to confirm that I am not this T lol!! I am a girl:) to help w the confusion I will continue to go by tonya or another name gonig forward. And to T the original poster- I am sorry that you went through all of this.

T (OP) replied with this 4.7 years ago, 3 days later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

Hhahahahha. Maybe I should get a new user name. Thank you guys... and girls. :o)

Ailonna replied with this 4.7 years ago, 9 hours later, 4 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I don't want you to be anything but yourself dear ;) The name molly instantly makes me imagine a ginger though. I bet you are a blond, matches the bubbly sunny irritatingly optimistic persona of yours. That was not a negative comment btw.

Molly replied with this 4.7 years ago, 1 hour later, 4 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Lol. I love you. I have unicorn lollipops and rainbows dancing around my head most days. You have me pegged babe.

Ailonna replied with this 4.7 years ago, 1 hour later, 4 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

Ah my god no! Unicorns, not unicorns!

Molly replied with this 4.7 years ago, 50 seconds later, 4 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

I'm doing the care bear stare on your ass.

Ailonna replied with this 4.7 years ago, 24 minutes later, 4 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Lol! I like care bears!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3gbnjsbb_E

Molly replied with this 4.7 years ago, 17 minutes later, 4 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

OH MY GOD! Im laughing and shaking my head. If Molly and Ailonna's mind came together..this is what it would look like.

(Edited 1 minute later.)

Molly double-posted this 4.7 years ago, 34 seconds later, 4 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

I bet yours is tender heart bear. Hug!!

Molly replied with this 4.7 years ago, 1 hour later, 4 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

I have a grumpy bear t-shirt. Ill wear it in your honor.>:(
:
[upload]

You are required to fill in a captcha for your first 10 posts. That's only 10 more! We apologize, but this helps stop spam.

Please familiarise yourself with the rules and markup syntax before posting, also keep in mind you can minify URLs using MiniURL and generate image macros using MiniMacro.