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Topic: Normal childhood exploration or abuse?

HelpMePlease started this discussion 5.2 years ago #2,599

I once saw a problem page where a lady was worried about childhood explorationdid when she was a kid and the advice was that it was normal between same age kids.I'm freaking out because when I was 11/12 I used to hang around with a 3 year old as my mum and her mum were friends. And I remember getting her to stroke my hands (I made up a game thinking it was wrong) as I loved being tickled. Not so bad I guess....but I also remember being in her bed clothed and wanting her on top of me. I don't know why or what I was thinking. Maybe it was sexual?Previous to this I had a lifesize doll that I used to lay on and kiss when I was a tiny bit younger (not sure of actual timeframe) and I'm sure that was sexual desire. Now I'm putting the 2 together and freaking.I've always been into boys and men but I'm now replaying every contact I've had with kids. I even remember thinking someone a few years younger than me was pretty when I was 15 and now I'm convinced I'm a pedo.I'm a 30 year old female who is about to marry and life should feel perfect but I can't get over this.

HelpMePlease (OP) double-posted this 5.2 years ago, 22 minutes later[^] [v] #0

Yes. I just keep thinking and thinking about what I felt around these kids. If I keep thinking about specific scenarios I can convince myself I liked kids or had sexual thoughts about them.

HelpMePlease (OP) triple-posted this 5.2 years ago, 7 minutes later, 29 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

Yeah but the age gap freaks me out. If I wanted her close to me cos I was horny. She was 3 and I was 11 :/ how can that be normal?

HelpMePlease (OP) quadruple-posted this 5.2 years ago, 39 seconds later, 30 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

And even worse at 15....although I know I didn't try to touch anyone that time.

Molly joined in and replied with this 5.2 years ago, 57 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^] [v] #0

All of that was completely normal. We are sensual creatures. It feels good to be close to others,and even things. No one was harmed,taken advantage of. All of your thoughts are dead and gone. Every time you go back to view them,you are experiencing unworthiness of living your life NOW. After reading this,look up.Look all around you.Notice how the images/thoughts are in your worried mind only. Its dead now.Let it be.

Molly double-posted this 5.2 years ago, 1 minute later, 1 hour after the original post[^] [v] #0

Did you read Dr Roberts collection of posts on this very subject? That seems to help people as well.

HelpMePlease (OP) replied with this 5.2 years ago, 4 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^] [v] #0

Thanks Molly. Yes I have read it.
I just keep adding more evidence that I was bad. Like I'm even convinced I read incest porn regarding kids when I was early 20s. I feel like a monster. I know it was incest but not sure about kids. Erotic stories not real porn.
Argh

HelpMePlease (OP) double-posted this 5.2 years ago, 5 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^] [v] #0

And at 15 why am I thinking I was attracted to younger girls I was staying with? That's sick. Are thoughts really ok as long as you don't act? Not sure I believe that.

I'm so full of anxiety and frustration.

Need a time machine to go back and check

Molly replied with this 5.2 years ago, 12 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Yes,this is why it's impossible to check memories to see if you are still a good enough human being...deserving of the things you have. I'm not sure if you have figured this out yet.It sounds like you are trying to confirm your unworthiness,that you do not deserve the happiness you have in your life right now. It's not so much about actual event. A lot of people learn how all of this is normal,and wont let them think that for themselves.

Are you getting therapy? If you stay focused on wanting to be free from this 'haunted house' mind of yours,then you can have that. xoxoxoxo You are worthy,and you are very deserving of everything you have.

I get turned on at weird times.Always have. It means absolutely nothing. Do not listen to others stories full of fear of their bodies.

(Edited 2 minutes later.)

HelpMePlease (OP) replied with this 5.2 years ago, 7 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^] [v] #0

Thank you so much Molly. Yes I have just started CBT and have had other therapy. I have ocd which may explain a lot?

My therapist said that I get like this when I am happy and try to find reasons to believe that I don't deserve it.

I guess my ocd may be making a mountain out of a molehill.

So nothing here is wrong or bad? Xxx

HelpMePlease (OP) double-posted this 5.2 years ago, 12 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

And I guess that the fact I do not specifically remember much than wanting to have her on top of me or the hand stroking thing might mean it's mostly ocd at play rather than fact.

As a kid I didn't like the doctors and nurses thing with kids my own age and wad squeamish with peoples bodily fluids like spit and snot. So I guess it's unlikely I molested anyone.

It's just going around n around and gets worse. I've even
doubted being around my friends kids a few years ago. Argh :-(

Molly replied with this 5.2 years ago, 4 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Just to point it out...and then I'll answer.lol "So nothing here is wrong or bad?" If you were at peace this question wouldn't be there.You'd already have the answer. Peace doesn't come from someone answering these types of questions. The problem is deeper then the question.

I know you are saying,"yea yea...but just answer the question.I need to know if Im normal.If this is normal,if this is all going to be OK."

This is dangerous ground.Always looking outwardly for your worth to move on...when there is no one out there(besides people like your therapist helping your inner voice/gut/common sense/whatever you want to call it,to be stronger). The only other people out there that you are looking for answers from,are going through their own perception and seeing THAT as reality.So you'll always get different answers.They'll alwasy contradict..and the ones with the most narrow mind thinkers will spin your mind into a full blown haunted house.


As for my perception,followed by education on this subject,is,what you did is a normal human experience. All of it.

Molly double-posted this 5.2 years ago, 2 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

DO NOT QUIT YOUR CBT THERAPY.

HelpMePlease (OP) replied with this 5.2 years ago, 5 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

You got me so right there.

Ocd was screaming just answer the question.

I totally get what you're saying. Seeking reassurance only calms for a moment. I will carry on with the cbt xxx
Thank u so much.

Molly replied with this 5.2 years ago, 12 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

If you need a place to talk about what you are going through,you are always welcome here. Its nice to have a place where people understand what you are going through.There are a few going through very similar things as you right now on here. xoxox

HelpMePlease (OP) replied with this 5.2 years ago, 15 hours later, 18 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

I get married on Friday and I just can't stop thinking about this.

My doctor said that kids like touch. I just can't get it out my head that I wanted to hold her cos I was turned on.

I was 11 and she was 3. That's sick. But I know I didny touch genitals or her touch mine (I think) and didn't try to hump her (hopefully) but still.

Also remembered I wanted to stay the night despite living 2 doors away. Sinister motives?? Omg I want to die. Been thinking about this every day since October.

Molly joined in and replied with this 5.2 years ago, 1 hour later, 20 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Nothing we say or do here is going help you. Keep in mind,Im writing while feeling a lot of sadness for you and wish so Bradley that I could do something to relieve you from your torture.

Everything you are thinking in your head is not reality at all. (I thrive on images) If you can picture yourself sitting on the floor,holding knees up high,while watching madness all around you. Pictures of you doing awful things.. And then someone comes in the room and sees you from another perspective. They see you in a panick,while you are surrounded by all the things in which what ever room you are in. They don't see or feel why you are tightly wound,scared on the floor. THEY are present with you,while you are stuck. What can the person watching you say to get you to notice you are in a mindful illusion?

Should the person 'correct' the illusion? Soften it up,to make your illusions not hurt so bad,"Don't worry. You didn't do anything wrong.It was natural desire from a human body." Althogh that comment is true,it doesn't help you see you are stuck IN the illusion as if it is happening right now. Replaying over and over..wanting,hoping better outcomes. You HAVE to find the courage(using imagery) to stand up,and walk out of that loop you are in.Walk out now. Walk out right now,out of your front door,as a metaphor for this. When you step out,pretend you are stepping out of your mind.Notice all the things that are NOT in your mind. The sun shining,the dog barking,etc.

(Edited 7 minutes later.)

Molly double-posted this 5.2 years ago, 51 seconds later, 20 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Wish so Badly...not Bradley. Yet Bradley is my sons name. :)

HelpMePlease (OP) replied with this 5.2 years ago, 32 minutes later, 20 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Thanks Molly. I know reassurance doesn't help but I can't see my therapist and I really just want to know I'm not a monster. Reading stories where other people did 'worse' calms me a little. I mean....a cuddle. So what if I felt sexual. I was a child. As soon as I went to secondary school I had no interest in seeing her. Maybe I'm confusing feelings. I could have felt sexual or nurturing. But I was a child. So I get a clean slate right? And when I was 15....I may of had weird thoughts...but I didn't act on them.

These were kids younger I was on holiday with...however I was seeing a boy older.

Hope ocd is messing with me.

(Edited 54 seconds later.)

Molly replied with this 5.2 years ago, 39 minutes later, 21 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

OCD is messing with you. Its an anxiety disorder. For reasons,you have extreme anxiety. Your mind,like all minds is desperately trying to figure out as to why you are scared. The mind puts images to feelings. Feelings come first then thoughts. Then,we think the thoughts are causing the feelings when its actually the other way around.

This is why you can't get a good grasp on the true events from your past,because you can't hold onto something that is not real. Your mind is frantically searching to identify that horrible anxiety feeling,in order to rid ,or sooth it.

This 'soothing' wont help for long..as you know.

So now your mind is MAKING you revisit over and over. That commentary in your head,telling you about the past..use it to free you.With that inner voice..your minds voice..you know the one that talks to you,and about you as if you are separate? That is your ego(mind). So when the voice/ego starts using commentary to look at past events,simply say,"stop." Say it as much as you need to correct it's desire to sort past thoughts. Talk to it as if you are trying to correct a naughty kid. Say,"Stop" as much as you need,until your inner voice listens. When I did this,I said stop all day. After a while,you do not have to say 'stop' as much.


This is rewiring your brain. This might get you through at least until you can see Dr. Keep me updated. I will be here for you.A calm mind does and knows this already. You rewiring/redirecting your thoughts will lead you to a calm mind.

(Edited 3 minutes later.)

Molly double-posted this 5.2 years ago, 3 minutes later, 21 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Oh,and last but not least. Don't be afraid of anxiety/fear. Feel the sensation of it,while not fearing it. Fearlessness is not about NOT fearing,but by simply not being afraid of fear. You are a very strong woman.
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