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Topic: Help!! Sex Addiction/Suicidal -Dr Robert pls!

T started this discussion 5.1 years ago #2,590

I am the one that posted about mt issues with sex and now those issues may possibly get me fired from work.. I got myself into a risky situation.. these issues also ended my relationship with my therapist...

I dont have as much sex as I think a sex addict normally would because I am shy and have a good girl appearance so usually the guys I have sex crushes on have no idea.. I have an obsession with wanting guys (or even girls) to want me sexually. I wont care about anything but the sex.. and after a few times I am usually done...depending on how good it is.. not to toot my own horn but I have been told I am an attractive woman so this a lot of times guys do find me attractive..

My biggest issue lately is wanting things I cant have. My supervisors, people of power.. and then if I am not able to get my sexual wish I feel like a failure and I want to die.. I mean it is that important to me.. I have even lost friends after taking their boyfriends.

When I went to therapy I ended up seducing my therapist and he wanted to have sex with me so we had to stop therapy cause he didnt wanna lose his job... It felt like such a rejection.. I understand that he is married but it still felt like I wasnt sexy enough or maybe if I would have come on stronger.. I have seduced many attached men before and they have cheated with me..

Now I seduced a married guy on my job and almost hooked up with him at work.. which could get me fired if there were cameras.. and he ended up feeling bad and things didnt go further.. he expressed that he never did anything like this before and he feels terrible.. now again I feel rejected and like I am incapable of getting what I want and maybe that I wasnt sexy enough and again I want to die...I also feel like I ruin everything because in the midst of this I am engaged as well..

Ever since I can remember, even as a young child, I have spent my time thinking about sex non stop... at work, school even inappropriate times. And it was always fantasizing about risque situations. I mean to the point where it has interfered with priorities..I also remember masturbating like every night even as a young girl and I still do and just love to touch myself.. I remember times when I was younger trying to study at the library and I would sometimes have to touch myseld under my sweater because I was so aroused.

Am I a sex addict... I dont know how to stop this and I feel like it will end up getting me into trouble. I feel like I have no self control and no control over my thoughts and actions...

Ultimately, I feel son empty and like I want to just die because I will never change.. the only thing that really makes me happy is knowing I am wanted sexually but inside there is just emptyness I wish I knew why I was like that

(Edited 1 hour later.)

T (OP) double-posted this 5.1 years ago, 1 hour later[^] [v] #0

I just feel like a slut who doesnt deserve good things and doesnt deserve to live.

T (OP) triple-posted this 5.1 years ago, 38 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^] [v] #0

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(Edited 22 hours later.)

Molly joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 1 hour later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Hi Tonya,

I read your post with much compassion,and sadness. I wish I new how to make you feel better. I figured I could at least just tell you that. Xxxxxx

Tonya (OP) replied with this 5.1 years ago, 1 minute later, 3 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

thank u

Tonya (OP) double-posted this 5.1 years ago, 24 seconds later, 3 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

dr robert never responds to me :-(

Tonya (OP) triple-posted this 5.1 years ago, 18 seconds later, 3 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

I am just feeling so empty and unloved right now

Molly replied with this 5.1 years ago, 5 minutes later, 3 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

I love you. And I said that in the sweetest 4 year old voice ever.:)

It's not that Dr Robert doesn't care about you.I suspect he is stretched in all directions.

Tonya (OP) replied with this 5.1 years ago, 2 minutes later, 3 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

I know... I feel so much rage right now and so empty at the same time.

Molly replied with this 5.1 years ago, 10 minutes later, 3 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

I hope someone comes around soon. Be patient. Maybe a wiser regular can help.

T (OP) replied with this 5.1 years ago, 3 minutes later, 3 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

believe it or not u have helped me just by showing some love

Molly joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 7 minutes later, 3 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

I'm not wise.I just love too much,and too hard.;)


(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

That's so true right? Sometimes we just need to have someone be with us.

T (OP) replied with this 5.1 years ago, 3 minutes later, 3 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

yes

Sifter joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 35 minutes later, 4 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Hey T... Sounds like somewhere along the way you learned to take comfort and control through sexual thoughts and actions. There's nothing wrong with that in itself, but when you are short on other coping methods, and things are emotionally tough, you can end up in a situation where the coping strategy is compulsive, and is hurting you more than its helping you. A few things I can suggest- one is that you try your best not to make it worse by judging yourself for it. Everyone has coping strategies, some good and some bad. Another is that you follow up on getting a new therapist, quick smart. You're dealing with a lot of grief and upheaval right now. Third, see if there's a sex addiction support group for women in your area, and check it out. Fourth, make a list of other ways you can take care of yourself through this hard time- a list of things that you enjoy and that give you comfort. Could be as simple as going for a walk or having a cup of your favorite tea or wearing your comfiest undies. Do them as often as you can, and especially when you are feeling low. We're thinking of you.

Molly replied with this 5.1 years ago, 6 hours later, 10 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Sifter, you are so amazing. Tonya,that was a good plan she just listed! Now it's up to you to want this. We are here for support for you.

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

I would totall wear that shirt,with peace sign earrings. Heh heh

t joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 26 minutes later, 10 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Thank u Sifter...that was amazing I will tryto do this!!

dr-robert joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 1 hour later, 12 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Tonya--

You are very much in need of psychotherapy, not advice. Find a new therapist who will not want to fuck you. Do it right away.

BTW, whether a therapist will have sex with you or not has absolutely zero to do with whether he or she is married or not. A real therapist would never do such a thing under any circumstances whatsoever.

T (OP) replied with this 5.1 years ago, 12 hours later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

thank you dr robert... I feel like it will be hard for me to trust again..I mean... I know I tried to seduce my therapist but deep down inside I wanted him to work with me and be able to use my transference to help me..so if I can ask you another question..I prefer to have a male therapist because I think they would be able to better help me resolve some of my daddy issues and I usually prefer talking and getting advice from males (may have to do with issues with my mom and other females in my life judging me), so my point is.. I was told by a professional that maybe its best I steer away from male therapists going forward and find a female.. do u think I should?

I mean does it really matter.. a good therapist SHOULDNT cross those boundaries anyways.. but I actually had an issue with another male therapist in the past who ended up having phone sex with me cause he was intrigued by my sexuality so I guess this is why that profesional told me to seek a woman.

dr-robert replied with this 5.1 years ago, 41 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

Hi, Tonya-- I would have to speak with you personally in order to suggest which gender would be best in a therapist. It really is not the same for various reasons, but the reasons are complicated.

If you want to keep working with a male therapist, here is what I would suggest. In the first session, simply tell the new therapist that you have a history of seducing men, and that using your sexuality inappropriately is part of the problem for which you are seeking help. Tell him about the disappointment with the last therapist, and ask him if he will be able to treat you in a totally professional way no matter what.

BTW, you did nothing wrong in your therapy. It is up to the therapistnot the clientto make sure that the therapy is not contaminated by sexual acting out. Your last therapist had a professional and legal obligation to seek counseling of his own about his feelings, and if that did not work for him, he was required to refer you to someone else. He was a poor excuse for a therapist, and I hope you will do better with the next one.

I know this is painful, Tonya, and I wish you the best.

T (OP) replied with this 5.1 years ago, 15 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

Thank you so much Dr. Robert. I did seduce him very subtley so it and ovr a long period of time so it wasnt like I just came out and hit on him..but when I finally did tell him about my transference is when his sexual desires for me came out.. he did try to refer me but it was really half ass cause he didnt want anyone finding out why we were ending therapy..I would be mortified to tell a new male threapist that I may try to seduce him because I am really shy..but I guess I will hve to just suck it up and some how do it... so...how does one know if a male or female therapist is better?

(Edited 2 minutes later.)

dr-robert replied with this 5.1 years ago, 12 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

Look, Tonya, I understand shyness very well, but when you go to the medical doc you have to take your clothes off for the exam, right? Well, psychotherapy is not done physically naked, but it does require naked honesty. Don't make the new doc guess. That will only waste time. Just tell him what's up with you. If he is any good, he has heard and treated much worse cases than yours, I am sure.

As for which gender the therapist should be, that is a very complex matter, as I said. You seem to feel that a male would be better, so I recommend starting there. You can always ask the new guy if he thinks a woman would be better. Then he would be able to interview you in the way I would to gather the information necessary to decide that.

As for the previous therapist, he should have referred you as soon as he began to fantasize about fucking you. To repeat, you did nothing wrong. Keeping boundaries is not the responsibility of the client. The work of psychotherapy is not easy. Doing it right requires a great deal of sensitivity, self-knowledge, self-control, and a total commitment to putting the work above any personal considerations. Unfortunately there are too many doing it who are not suited to the task.

(Edited 36 seconds later.)

T (OP) replied with this 5.1 years ago, 6 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

yea..really messed with my emotions big time..escpecially when he made me think that we would be hooking up and then freaked out and tried to be my therapist again...I will take your advice and try to be brave and do this...sigh.

dr-robert replied with this 5.1 years ago, 9 hours later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

Good, Tonya--
Just do it!

Molly replied with this 5.1 years ago, 3 hours later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

As Nike says,"Just do it." :) Or Dr Robert..


Tonya,I'm rooting for you over here.

dr-robert replied with this 5.1 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

Right on, Molly--

A lot of the conversation on the Forum, understandably, has centered on problems with incompetent psychotherapists, and there certainly are some out there. But there also are many therapistsI am supervising two right nowwho are good-hearted people, truly called to work as healers for those who are troubled.

When I was working actively, I would refer a client in a second if I thought that someone else could do the job better--for example if I thought a female therapist could be more helpful.

I certainly would never have sought sexual gratification with a client, or accepted any advances no matter what she said or did. That kind of thing is just totally out of bounds, and every therapist knows it. So, any therapist who even starts down that roadeven one supposedly "innocent" step (a flirtacious remark for example, or even looking at a client in the wrong way)has already violated the ethics and standards of the profession.

Yes, Tonya, there are some bad apples, and you have met one, but there is, I am sure, a therapist who can help you through this so that you will be able move on with your life.

To repeat: none of this was your fault. None of it. The client even has a right to flirt with the therapist if she wants to. It is up to him to steer matters in the right direction.

(Edited 29 seconds later.)

T (OP) replied with this 5.1 years ago, 10 hours later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

thank u so much Dr Robert!!! It helps to hear that I didnt do anything wrong!! And thank you for your support Molly :)

dr-robert replied with this 5.1 years ago, 7 hours later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

You are welcome, Tonya. You sound like a sweet person, and I wish you well.

Molly replied with this 5.1 years ago, 2 hours later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
((((you))))

T (OP) replied with this 5.1 years ago, 11 hours later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

:-)

this site has been helpful to me

(Edited 4 minutes later.)

T (OP) double-posted this 5.1 years ago, 1 hour later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
is that a hug ??:)

T (OP) triple-posted this 5.1 years ago, 35 seconds later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

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(Edited 15 seconds later.)

Molly replied with this 5.1 years ago, 29 minutes later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Yes!!! A big hug.:)

Tonya (OP) replied with this 5.1 years ago, 4 days later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

yay to the hug
:
[upload]

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