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Topic: I dont know what i want in life..

Anurag started this discussion 4.9 years ago #2,568

I am 20 yrs old and in college. Nearly a year ago, i failed in my entrance exams due to which i suffered severe Depression, Nervous Breakdown and Self-doubt which defined my existence. although i have recovered well enough to avoid depression but sometime or the other it creeps up like a skeleton, haunting me about my failures. My parents are lovely people. They have never forced anything upon me. And in school i excelled. But in high school i lost my way badly. I got involved in sports and blew my studies away. Then came my aforementioned exams in which i failed badly. My friends did well. But my best friend since school did not. And probably for this reason or some other, he committed suicide which has left a scar on my life. Although i have a huge friend circle, losing my best friend left me lonely. Even though now, when i have made new friends, i still feel his absence. The hatred for studies which built inside me in high-school are still there Now i just about do enough to pass my exams but nothing more. As i used to be a good student, i still expect myself to perform well. But my depressions and breakdown have stolen my concentration and i can no longer sit for long hours for studying or revise what i have read. Self- doubt haunt me every morning. I am 5 ft 4 inches tall which is below average for a guy of my age. I wake up every morning and decide i am gonna change myself although i know that Rome was not built in a day. But i lack patience and go head on into everything due to which i fail in most of my tasks. I am in Computer Science stream but i have no background in programming and i am having a very hard time coping with the subject due to which i have little to no interest in it. I don't know what i want to do in life. My confidence goes up and down every day and it really takes a toll on me. I feel guilty about letting my parents go through hell due to me. I feel guilty that they have to pay very high fees just because i could not get into a good college. I cannot have fruitful conversations with anyone because my mind doses of right in the middle of anything. And i am not good with emotions either.
Although i know what i need to do to get back, but i severely lack motivation and i am afraid of taking the plunge due to fear of failure. I have an escapist attitude due to which i turn back from every obstacle or difficult situation. I am a good artist but i cannot concentrate enough to draw. What can i do to get out of this viscous cycle of FAILURE-LACK OF INTEREST-LACK OF MOTIVATION-LACK OF CONCENTRATION-ANXIETY-SCREWING UP-FAILURE???

Anonymous B joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 25 minutes later[^] [v] #0

I cannot concentrate enough in drawing either, or playing the piano or writing or anything I am good at. And I mean, I have a lot to express but it's impossible to. I know exactly how you feel and I'd like an answer too.

Anurag (OP) replied with this 4.9 years ago, 8 minutes later, 33 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

its really hard when you cannot do things you normally used to do....in my case, its so frustrating. I can picture something in my head but when i open my eyes its gone.

Anonymous D joined in and replied with this 4.8 years ago, 1 day later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

no i dont....i m perfectly normal...i just dint take my diet seriously enough in my childhood....so now repenting..

Sylar joined in and replied with this 4.8 years ago, 2 hours later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

This is something I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. My advice would be to find something you are interested in (for me this is Magic the Gathering); school isn't for everyone, and sometimes just surviving is enough. I find when loneliness consumes me I need to be around people or it can be overwhelming; meditation and sleep definitely ease a bit of the stress though. If you could talk to one of the people you hang around with, you might be surprised to find that they can empathize with your scenario and you might find that you have a new best friend. As for failure...it's gonna happen. It's annoying as hell, but you'll have to find a way to get though it. Maybe you bitch about it for a while, and that's okay, but at some point you'll need to take responsibility for your situation and push for something even if you don't know that you want it. I'm in college right now for criminal justice. I don't think that it is what I really want to do, but it's something and I can always change if I find something else.

Try and find something that your interested in. Keep the people you have close and try to clear your head. Shit happens, but you'll have to find a way through it. In the end it doesn't matter if you have absolute conviction in what you do, just do something and work from there.

Anurag joined in and replied with this 4.8 years ago, 1 day later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

hey, thanks for the advice....i appreciate it but i m finding it hard to motivate myself for something that is new as well as daunting for me.....i have loads of other interests such as photography, art or simply riding a bike but i cannot choose these things as my career. These are the simple things that get me excited. I know i have to push through it but its so hard. Its like i always know the road which will get me out of this situation but i just dont have d courage to face myself wen i fail again. I dont know but every time i feel that something is lacking. I know that every one has their fair share of bad luck and failure but there is always something or the other that kills whatever motivation i conjure up. Its frustrating and i always feel that i am running out of time....i am always self concious and i get anxious whenever someone even looks at me....i am scared of the world so badly...
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