Topic: Am I a risk taker?

Mekay started this discussion 6.2 years ago #2,557

I have done things similar to this before..
I got home tonight around 1 a clock.. a very drunk guy
started following me up to my door.

Now at first I was scared.. but then I felt fearless
for spiritual reasons.. I just knew nothing was going to happen to me.

I have seen this guy before he hangs out with the neighbors constantly.
He asks me if he can use my phone.. he tries knocking on the neighbors door..
and no one answers..

I am reticent at first..I am right outside my apartment door.
I look at him.. he is very gentle in his nature.. (somewhat attractive),
hispanic, tattoos, but very drunk.

He says "I'm not gonna hurt you ma" and he puts his hand up in a
way.. just very gentle in nature not fake..

I say ok.. and I dial the number for him.. the person answers but
says she can't give him a ride.

He asks if I can give him a ride up the street... I told him he should just walk..
He said he is drunk and is worried about being able to get to his place ok..
or have a cop pull him over for public drunkness..

I am a little scared.. but he seems genuine.
I agree... I take my purse upstairs and let him know I have nothing but my
id. And I ask him to empty his pockets (he has nothing in his pockets)
He says I wouldn't hurt you ma.. I wouldn't touch you...

he is really sweet about it.. so I give him a ride.
Of COURSE he took it as an opportunity to hit on me.
He says "are you single? You're beautiful damn"

I tell him yes.. he says he would love to take me out to dinner sometime..

haha I said I was super christian and showed him my chastity ring.
He was telling me how he had a job.. bla bla bla...
But telling him about my beliefs was a pretty good deterrent.

He got out of the car and no harm was done.

however, I know this was risky. If I had had my daughter
there is NO WAY in hell I would have said yes. but she is spending the night
at nana's b/c I have school in the morning and worked until midnight.

I set my boundaries and was pretty clear. However, this is a man.
he could have seriously harmed me if he wanted to.

Also, I just heard a faint knocking at my door..
I was too afraid to look.

(Edited 6 minutes later.)

Mekay (OP) double-posted this 6.2 years ago, 17 minutes later[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I didn't encourage anything.
I have no interest in ever talking to him again.
You don't need to guilt trip me especially bring my daughter into it.

I don't bring any males around my daughter. Period.
It was a ride. The end.

The question is about giving him a ride.
Not about him being in my future.

And if you're going to be so judgemental
you should have the guts to leave your post up Sifter.

(Edited 1 minute later.)

Mekay (OP) triple-posted this 6.2 years ago, 4 minutes later, 21 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

Also, I love how you presume I am trying to be sexy in
any way.

Don't even mention my daughter.
This is about me, that guy, and the ride.

I am looking for help here.
NOt your lecturing on mothering.
When you know NOTHING about my parenting.

(Edited 3 minutes later.)

Sifter joined in and replied with this 6.2 years ago, 5 minutes later, 27 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

Mekay, I deleted it because I didn't think it was constructive. I do think what you did was risky. He knows where you live, which is where you live with your daughter. It freaks me out that you did that. I do not presume you were trying to be sexy with him - that's not what I think your intentions were. But you can glamourise the risk and I think it's dangerous to do that. I do think you were looking at things in a pretty rose-coloured way at the moment you did that. I've done things like that too. The reason my response was not constructive is because it wouldn't help you to freak out about it now. It's done. So just trust your instincts and I hope if you see him again you will a) keep your eyes wide open and b) keep relating to him in a positive manner.

Mekay (OP) replied with this 6.2 years ago, 56 seconds later, 28 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
You think?

Mekay (OP) double-posted this 6.2 years ago, 2 minutes later, 30 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

There is nothing glamorized about it.
You obviously aren't getting the point of why I posted it.

Sometimes it seems as though you think you know everything.
You certainty dont'. Especially when it comes to me.
If you think any of this seems glamorous to me.. you're
missing the mark big time.

If it had no concern to me I wouldn't have posted here.
Only, I was expecting this to be a safe place.

(Edited 33 seconds later.)

meh joined in and replied with this 6.2 years ago, 5 minutes later, 36 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

hey..i think you did put yourself in a dangerous situation. Thing is men will often say how they are gentlemen, they would never hurt you or do anything bla bla but that doesn't always mean that it's true. Unfortunately many men would take your acceptance of giving the ride as a go ahead for them to get what they want regardless of what you or they might actually say. It's good that nothing happened but I think you should be aware that one of the reasons that some women do end up in trouble is because they at some point trusted the other person (because they seemed genuine or whatever) and that is a strength that a "criminal" might take advantage of in order to get what they want.
I think you are a kind person and you just wanted to help but unfortunately the world sometimes doesn't work that way. As far as your daughter is concerned what difference does it make that she wasn't there? If you would have gotten hurt she would have been hurt too eventually(i mean because something bad had happened to you). Anyway..just glad you are ok but maybe be more cautious in the future.

Mekay (OP) replied with this 6.2 years ago, 2 minutes later, 38 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I agree with that. I am aware I put myself in a
dangerous situation.

Hence, the post people.
I don't understand why I do it.

meh replied with this 6.2 years ago, 4 minutes later, 42 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

well..is it a habitual thing? or something you do in particular circumstances? what else was happening in your life around the occasions when you've done things like that? is it something that makes you get self-destructive or something else?

Mekay (OP) replied with this 6.2 years ago, 19 seconds later, 42 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

Or how to stop.
I have been in situations like this more than once.

I have been pretty good at avoiding them. *for awhile*
then this happens.
I don't understand what the hell it does for me.

I once ended up in the middle of a crack deal before..
and it is always car related.

I am aware it is stupid.. so I am not looking for the judgements
telling me what I already know...

But something constructive to help me understand it.
Because I haven't got a clue.

(Edited 42 seconds later.)

Sifter replied with this 6.2 years ago, 9 seconds later, 42 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Also, Mekay, when I first read it I missed the part that said he hangs out with the neighbours - so it actually wasn't quite as risky as my first impression, which was that it was some total random.

It's not a safe place here. I think that should be clear from the range of people who post here. But it is often an honest place. I'm sorry I read a little wrong, and overstepped the mark and came off judgemental. But I was also being frank in response to your question.

You asked if you were a risk taker. On this, yes. And every risk you take for you is a risk for your daughter too. You know that. I don't say it to be judgemental or call you a bad mother, I think you're probably a great mother. But that is the truth.

You might not get this, or you might think it's know-it-all, but one of the reasons I think it's important for women to embrace their sexuality is because if it sneaks up from behind you it can cause problems. If you are consistently attracted to 'dangerous' types, that's probably part of the equation. I would not like to see that undermine all the other care you take to grow and live a great life for and with your daughter.

Mekay (OP) replied with this 6.2 years ago, 3 minutes later, 46 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Thanks. I can understand that speak.
But the first post was emotional more than just frank.

Look, I know it's bad. I know it's wrong.
I can even understand, even though I want to deny it,
how it harms my daughter.

i don't like looking at that.. and that is why I am asking for help.
Or something. Fuck I don't know what I am looking for. I am just concerned.

I know there are people here can be rude and nasty but I don't care about those people.
there are people I hold to a higher standard than that.. and those are the ones
I acutally take to heart.

Mekay (OP) double-posted this 6.2 years ago, 1 minute later, 47 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

but getting past the diagreement.. b/c I don't want to make this thread about that.

meh, I just made the decision to quit my therapist.
That's the only thing I can think of right now.
i have also been having suicide ideation for about a month now.

(Edited 27 seconds later.)

Sifter replied with this 6.2 years ago, 18 seconds later, 47 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

And your bad side, you gotta embrace your bad side too. Otherwise you end up playing Florence Nightingale to some dude's Jack the Ripper and it doesn't end well.

meh replied with this 6.2 years ago, 2 minutes later, 50 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

yeah i know that..this is now. I just thought you might be able to figure something out if you take now and look in comparison with other occasions and see what they have in common. I dunno...just an idea but maybe i'm being too mathematical about this..

Mekay (OP) replied with this 6.2 years ago, 31 seconds later, 50 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I know.. it's so sad that I know all that logically.
But when I am put in the situation... my brain tells me no no
and my heart is beating fast.. I'm scared and I have anxiety..

But I do it anyway. I absolutely don't want to.. and it is partly b/c I
don't want to hurt the persons feelings by saying no.

It's totally naive at least I am able to see that now.. b/c I wasn't able before.
To be honest.. I am freaking out about it a little.

My first post is blase about it... but I am really freaking out inside.

I told my therapist about it once before.. and we never really explored it in great depth.
It bothers me I do this.

it bothers me I can't say no.. especially to men.
I can say no to sex. But when it comes to doing tasks for them.
I can't say no.

I don't get it.

Mekay (OP) double-posted this 6.2 years ago, 3 minutes later, 54 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

I honestly was, in this situation, thinking he needed my help.
that he was drunk.. and I did want t ohelp him out.

But it doesn't change the fact there is no way I could predict what his intentions were.
When he started hitting on me.. I thought *fuck*

he could have set that whole thing up just to take advantage.

he asked for my number.. and all the rest.. so my guess is he has noticed me
for awhile and used this as an opportunity.

I am sure it was innocent for him *as innocent as he could possibly get*
But the fact of the matter is, I had no way of knowing that.

Also, I am very attracted to troublemakers, and bad boys.

My mind wants a very square nice man.
but when one comes along I reject them.

Sifter replied with this 6.2 years ago, 24 seconds later, 54 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
So you have to look at this as a wake-up call. Whatever emotions are being expressed with this action, you have to find a way to look them in the face and let them out. For all this might have looked like a virtuous act, it was what Dr Robert called 'acting out' - you can see that, I know - so when that happens you really need to do a full emotional audit. What is going on - pain, anger, self-hatred, loneliness, sexual need, romantic need, other stuff...? Whatever's there, self-denial is not a good way forward, so you have to look for some other ways to address those feelings. They are real.

Sifter double-posted this 6.2 years ago, 1 minute later, 56 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I gotta go, but yeah... this is important to explore.

Mekay (OP) replied with this 6.2 years ago, 2 minutes later, 59 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
That's good. thank you.

I really do want to get to the bottom of this.
I can't even sleep and I have class at 8 in the morning I'm so bothered by this.

It is definitely a matter of acting out. It's like I secretly want to be harmed and I don't know why.
I was super scared when he followed me up.
Just fear. And I walked right into it.

I just really thought about it.. and I think it may have to do with my cousin growing up.
We were the same age.. but he was physically abusive (burned my face, kicked me, ect..)
He woke me up one night (he is only 2 years older) on top of me with his hand on my mouth.
he would force me to do things I didn't want to.

I was very scared of him.. but I loved his attention. It was all I got at the time.

Sifter replied with this 6.2 years ago, 4 hours later, 5 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Maybe it's a form of reenactment, like what I was writing to Jen about the other day. It could be worth going back to the original post and having a look at the exact nature of the daze you were in while it was happening - the modes of thinking that come up for you in that situation that allow it to happen?

Molly joined in and replied with this 6.2 years ago, 1 hour later, 7 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Mekay,

I often have been in that place in my past. For me it was complete and utter unworthiness. Of course I will put others needs before mine.Of course I will not give my mind,body,soul respect. Why would I? It has no value.

This allows all people to come first,because there is not a strong inner voice. So when you are terrified,is your body screaming for protection,and you ignoring it,is your mind telling you,you are not good enough to listen to it.

Sifter said something that I picked up to be really important. Embracing all of you is the only way to love and respect you wholly. Don't deny you.All of you. Your sins are even worthy. You are pure worthiness.

If your anything like me,now your guilt and shame/unworthiness is intensified. This IS staying on the hamster wheel. Now is the best time to accept all of you. Hold yourself in love and let you know,"it's ok to make mistakes. You did good(talking to yourself).You did the best you could during that moment. I promise I will love and listen to YOU next time,because you come first."

Mekay (OP) replied with this 6.2 years ago, 24 minutes later, 7 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
You're right there is guilt there.
And feeling stupid.

I wish I would listen to me.

Molly replied with this 6.2 years ago, 9 minutes later, 8 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Sometimes we do,sometimes we don't. Whatya gonna do ya know. It is what it is.

Mekay (OP) replied with this 6.2 years ago, 22 minutes later, 8 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
That's basically where I'm at too.
it is what it is..

I want to understand it though and stop the behavior.
I want to grow up.

I feel like when I do that I go into little girl mode.
I even FEEL like a little girl while I do it.

N has helped me in so many areas feel like a woman..
so I recognize the contrast intensely now.

That is childish behavior it's the "Remember! Don't talk
to strangers!" world.

I want to grow up, and I want more responsible people around me.
I am surrounded by people who don't have their lives together.
A part of me is still hanging on to that part.

Jasper joined in and replied with this 6.2 years ago, 32 minutes later, 8 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

What were your "spiritual" reasons for being fearless?

Mekay (OP) replied with this 6.2 years ago, 4 minutes later, 9 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
We're not gonna go there.

I just knew I wouldn't be harmed.
But there have been plenty of times when
I wasn't so sure of that.

Molly replied with this 6.2 years ago, 1 hour later, 10 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

I heard if you want something bad enough,and you truly truly want it you'll get it.
Turning mistakes into lessons without shame is what I of course work on. I suspect it will be this way forever if I'm lucky. We all make mistakes,but the mature people investigate it so seems. Like what you are doing here. You should only be proud of your self and nothing else. I mean that.

Mekay (OP) replied with this 6.2 years ago, 7 hours later, 17 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Thanks Molly.. I just want to be held by you sometimes.
That sounds so weird.

But you have such a caring and comforting side.
I would probably just cry in your arms for hours.

creeepy. lol!

(Edited 18 seconds later.)

Molly joined in and replied with this 6.2 years ago, 53 minutes later, 18 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Its not creepy at all.I have chills. Thank you! I am tired of lack of love in my life,yours, everyone.I would be honored for us to hold each other and cry until we just cant anymore.Truly.

(Edited 17 seconds later.)

Ailonna joined in and replied with this 6.2 years ago, 43 minutes later, 19 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I like hugs too Molly......wanna hug me...

Mekay (OP) replied with this 6.2 years ago, 3 minutes later, 19 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I'll hug you.. and then some... ;p

Ailonna replied with this 6.2 years ago, 1 minute later, 19 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Fuck yeah!!!!! <3

Molly replied with this 6.2 years ago, 6 minutes later, 19 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

What the hell. But if you two break out the big,plastic fist,I'm outta there.

Mekay (OP) replied with this 6.2 years ago, 44 seconds later, 19 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Sifter replied with this 6.2 years ago, 39 minutes later, 19 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Molly, now I have to try to explain to my husband why I'm laughing so hard, aaaaand... it's impossible. :D

Ailonna replied with this 6.2 years ago, 16 minutes later, 20 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Lol!

Molly replied with this 6.2 years ago, 42 minutes later, 20 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

We saw a big black fist at the sex shop.I so want to buy it and put it under the pillow for house guest. Eventually I will!!!

Ailonna replied with this 6.2 years ago, 2 minutes later, 20 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

I have seen those and know a girl who can handle one. That shit scares me. Have you seen the hand that is in the gesture like you would have when telling someone to hush up? Or like your hand was a puppet?

Molly replied with this 6.2 years ago, 4 minutes later, 21 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

It makes me remember a kermit the frog post going around on FB. He was sitting in the Dr's office,waiting for his diagnosis.The Dr was looking at the Xray that showed a hand up his ass while Kermy's waiting to see it.Wondering if it is serious.lol

(Edited 1 minute later.)

Mekay (OP) replied with this 6.2 years ago, 2 minutes later, 21 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

that would break something..

(Edited 19 minutes later.)