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Topic: my therapist is gone

t started this discussion 4.9 years ago #2,544

I am sad.. he said he wanted to take me back as a client..all the things he said when he was being a human he is now taking them back by being normal and fake again.. I told him I dont want to be his client anymore and he says I can still email him... before he was saying after a year or less we could contACT now he is getting quiet when i ask him about that.. i know i need to just stop talking to him.. but i feel hurt.. like my emotions have been tossed around... it hurts so bad... to have it and then lose it..i feel like i neverr get what I want although i know it wouldnt have been a good thing

shh joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 6 hours later[^] [v] #0

Tonya, I know it hurts, but I think you re going to have to take control of this situation yourself, as he is obviously not willing or able to.

Please, for your own sake, just cut and run, now, and if he decides to try to contact you, then it might be wise to tell him that if he doesn't leave you alone, you will report him to the authorities. It's a horrible ending, but I don't think you have any other option - you have got to see that you are worth so much more than this, you don't deserve this kind of treatment, it hurts like crazy now, but you will get through it.

Also, please find yourself another therapist ASAP, maybe a female one, as she will probably be able to empathise better with how you are feeling about all this.

The sooner you get away from him and into therapy with someone else, the sooner the hurt and heartache will end - be brave, I'm rooting for you, and I'm sure many others on here are too! x

Barbara joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 33 minutes later, 7 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Tonya, shh has it right. Get a new therapist ASAP AND we're rooting for you. It really sounds as though he realized (or someone advised him) that he could get into a shitload of trouble by pursuing you. Could he even be reluctant to refer you because he is afraid you will share it all with another therapist and he will have no control over what happens next? Not to say he wasn't expressing real feelings for you - you have that - he has just seen how monumentally significant it would be for him (professionally) if he pursued you. I don't know if you will be able to bridge the gap with him but, for sure, that won't happen by your staying in therapy with him. You can consult with someone else without getting him in trouble... You don't have to mention his name to the new T if you don't want to...

Hexi joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 8 hours later, 16 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

The truth is that the moment a therapist gets emotionally involved, he stops being a therapist. The whole principle, and success, of psychotherapy depends on the therapist being emotionally objective and distant. Many here don't want to understand this but it's just how it is. How about you get a female therapist instead, what you're doing is a waste of time and will never solve anything.

t (OP) replied with this 4.9 years ago, 11 hours later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

thank u guys... I think I can be strong and am breaking away now.. I erased his number

Sifter joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 34 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

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Good for you, T - that's really good to hear.

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Hexi, you're sort of right and sort of wrong. I'd say good therapists need to be fully emotionally present in the sessions, having real feelings and so on, but they also need to always take the big view, which is that the feelings in the room emerge from all kinds of unconscious forces and are to be treated as part of the work of healing the client, not just taken at face value. T's therapist let her down because he either didn't know that or forgot it. He clocked off while he was still driving the bus.

Ailonna joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 13 hours later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

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How can 'be a little of one and a little of the other' be, at all, helpful towards anyone who can't make a clear picture of anything, Sifter? Were you saying that the therapist needs to keep an open emotional mind and make his/her emotional state available to the client who is only hoping (and even deliriously wishing) for that form of connection? Wouldn't being too involved emotionally fog the strength and realism taking place in the sessions, as well as the true relationship between therapist and client? Kind of like a child, you can't be a best friend and a parent when dealing with a growing and learning mind. You have to set boundaries and make the roles known. Only when you notice the child growing mentally and emotionally can you open the door a little to show the friend. If you do this too soon, then it will change the perception of how you are seen to the child, and they will act accordingly.

When it comes to professionalism, it makes more sense for the professional (say a doctor, therapist, cop) to display the role their occupation acquires. That strength may not be the most sympathetic, but in the long run, once the clients get through their emotional state, it is something most should be thankful of. Nothing is worse than expecting someone to be strong for you, and all they show you are the same "weaknesses" that caused you to see them in the first place.

t joined in and replied with this 4.8 years ago, 8 hours later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

wow...you guys are so good!

Mekay joined in and replied with this 4.8 years ago, 1 minute later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

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Damn that is a really good point.
That actually helped me.

t replied with this 4.8 years ago, 17 minutes later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

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clocked off while driving the bus.. I love it

Sifter replied with this 4.8 years ago, 24 minutes later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

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I think about it like this: http://www.talkgraphics.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=40482&d=1249170309 where the inner circle is the genuine emotional relationship between client and therapist and the outer circle is the therapist's professional considerations.

The parent-child analogy is a good one. If you think about a parent and child playing ball in the park, a really great parent is actually there, playing ball, having a great time and really genuinely enjoying the game, loving the kid, feeling concerned if the kid takes a ball to the face, etc. That's the inner circle. But the parent is also thinking about - are we too close to traffic, what time do we need to leave to get dinner, does my kid need more practice with fine motor skills or more free play time or chances to make mistakes or whatever. That's the outer circle. The outer circle protects the inner circle, so the concerns of the outer circle have to take precedence in determining what happens. Because if someone gets hit by a car the game's no fun any more.

A therapist who gets so caught up in the inner circle that they forget to take care of the outer circle is no good as a therapist. But by the same token, if there IS no inner circle, no genuine relationship at the core, the therapy is unlikely to go very far, either. You can raise a kid without ever playing with them, but you're failing a certain aspect of parenting.

In therapy, a therapist probably has to feel things about the client for therapy to happen. Often the feelings are the therapist's best guide. If the client is pissing you off, chances are they piss other people off too, and it's your job to figure out exactly what's going on there. Likewise if you find them so charming/seductive you forget what you're there for, etc. This only works, though, if the therapist knows themselves well enough to be able to figure out what is their shit and what's the client's.

t replied with this 4.8 years ago, 16 minutes later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

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wow you are so amazing and that is true.. just for kicks in that first analogy I really wanted to get hit by a car ahaha but he didnt end up letting me...I dont know if that made sense the way it did in my head but any ways this is very helpful

Sifter replied with this 4.8 years ago, 2 minutes later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

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No worries, T. I'm glad there was a limit after all, and I'm glad you're moving on from that situation.

t replied with this 4.8 years ago, 3 minutes later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

I am glad and upset at the same time lol and I am trying...I go back and forth.. it really is like a break up

Sherry joined in and replied with this 4.8 years ago, 14 hours later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

Glad your ok :)
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