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Topic: Ending therapy with N.

Mekay started this discussion 4.9 years ago #2,519

I am ending therapy. I called N last night and told him.
"I told him a part of me wants you to say I care about you don't go, but I know
that's not realistic"

I have over calculated his care in so many ways it's too much to even
get into. Our session yesterday went well.. but I still left with a
bad taste in my mouth.

He is too busy for me.. I expressed a need.. that it was more helpful for me to
meet every week.. and the gist of it was that he was too busy.
I wasn't sure for a second if I was wanting to see him every week out
of the need to just "see him" or if it was that I needed it.

Now that I am out of therapy.. and I am remembering the weeks in between
an intense session.. I remember that every week is more helpful to me.
I don't expect him to meet my every need.. but the way he approached it.
I don't know. I felt totally insignificant to him.

It is too painful to care have these deep feelings for someone
who looks at me as a replaceable client.

I do want a referral though.. b/c I now need therapy for my therapy.
I need help mourning him.. b/c I know if I don't get help while I am
mourning him... I'll get severely depressed.

I let myself get too attached.
Fuck.

I did it all over again.. I don't even think he recognizes it.
Getting attached to someone who is emotionally unavailable
this is no different than any other relationship I have had.

He helped me function.. and I will always be grateful of that.
I just got too attached. He seems to feel nothing.

I don't know how he feels, but actions speak louder than words.
He didn't call when I told him about my grandmother..
He didn't call when I told him I would feel stupid, because
I was vulnerable enough to call.

his words:"If I could do it over again I probably would have called."

What is that? I don't know. I feel hurt by him.
I don't feel repair is possible.
It has been made clear to me that he cares very little, and I care too much.

Cass calls it limited care. It is. And I respect that.. that is all a therapist can give.

However, it's too evocative of my parents. I have never gotten this
attached with a therapist before.

I figure I will ask for a referral.. mourn him for awhile..
and try to heal myself without the attachment this time.

N thinks my attachment would happen with any therapist.
He doesn't take my feelings for him seriously.

I get that, a therapist can't take a clients feelings personally.

But that is crap. It's not all transference. There's genuine feelings there.
But when they are belittled to "just transference" what happens is the client
has deep genuine feelings.. while the therapist keeps a distance.. b/c none of it is real.

Some of it isn't. But those little parts that are? Hurt like hell.

I'm done with this.

(Edited 6 minutes later.)

Mekay (OP) double-posted this 4.9 years ago, 14 minutes later[^] [v] #0

I realized I said he is emotionally unavailable.
I know he probably isn't in his personal life.
But he has to be with me.

The reason why I am so attached to that.. is b/c I'm
emotionally unavailable.

Hurts hurts hurts. I wish I could describe the pain in my heart.
Lol unless he tells me.. you're loveable Mekay. I love you...
it's ending!!

I can't take wanting his love anymore. When it is no where NEAR love
it is care... LIMITED care. It's not even the full scope of care.
It hurts too much.

totally done.

and I did Hel.. before I posted here.

Mekay (OP) triple-posted this 4.9 years ago, 7 minutes later, 22 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

Even the way he said: " we can talk more about transferring
you next session if you want." Like it was no big deal to him.

I realize a therapist can't show us.. if it is to them or not.
But the way he said it... there is no way he was hiding care.

It doesn't matter to him either way. He doesn't care.
I'm literally in tears so hurt right now.

I opened up for nothing. when I started functioning.. I shouldn't have
taken it any further.

We should have focused on me getting out of my parents house..
and left my revealing of family stuff out.

Edit: when I say I opened up for nothing.. I see that
what I am saying is that I opened up for his care.

I didn't. I opened up for my care. But at the same time,
who wants to open up to someone who has very little care for them????

Who the hell decided this was helpful in therapy?

feels like reliving the emotional deprivation I had growing up.
I couldn't be vulnerable with him yesterday. I don't think he understood why at all.

And I couldn't express this... b/c I didn't want to let him in.

The 2 chair forced me to go into some deep stuff yesterday.
And I felt anger in my chair.

But.. I felt naked... like I had just been raped.
I let him see me again emotionally.. even though he feels very little
for me.

Hurts.

(Edited 3 minutes later.)

Mekay (OP) quadruple-posted this 4.9 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 hour after the original post[^] [v] #0

I'm sad I am never going to see him again.
Best to end it now.. before I go too deep
and then an ending will be unbearable for me.

Thank God I have kept some things to myself.
I haven't let him completely in.. and I think that is the
only reason I can do this right now.

Sherry joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 hour later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

MeKay

I know we have had a lot of differences on this fourm
but I really can feel the pain you are feeling now and
I really am sorry that you are going through this pain.

I have had all kinds of ups and downs with my therapist
over all these years and I know pain in this area. So
one thing I would NEVER lie or joke about is this topic
I will be praying for you.

Mekay (OP) replied with this 4.9 years ago, 5 minutes later, 3 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Thanks Sherry.

Sally joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 hour later, 4 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Oh, Mekay :( I feel for you so much!- I'm going through, near enough, the same situation myself (except my transference is/was with a woman psychologist.) I say transference because, as you said, a little bit of the attraction is to do with that, but like you, I also had/have(?) stronger, deeper feelings too (I'm bisexual, so.. Lol)

The sad and ugly truth is that we will never know if a therapist truly cares or not, unless they tell us. All we know is that they're doing a job and that they need to keep it professional. There are some therapists and psychologists who do genuinely care for their clients/patients, though, but because of boundaries.. They can't express it in a way any another "normal" human would anyway. And when we feel more for the therapist, we understandably feel like we need  their emotional side, as well as their professional side. It sucks as it's a total one-sided relationship at the end of the day. Sometimes I wish therapists weren't so darn.. "nice", so we wouldn't have to fall for them! I know I felt like "Why were you so nice? You attracted me, and now I'm leaving and I'm gonna miss you like hell, whether you miss me or not, dammnit!" 

Sometimes if we hear the words "i care", it makes it easier to understand all the other therapeutic situations, like boundaries because at least you know for a fact, they're not rejecting you as a person and that they might even like you. I remember telling my therapist "You don't care! You're not bothered, really! It's just a job!" One of the worst days of my life :/ haha.

I do think that your therapist shouldn't have ignored your calls, though and everyone deserves to know a proper reason why. An "If I could do it over again I probably would have called" just doesn't cut the mustard. Again, you'll never know why he did this. But you can't look back. :)
A therapist can only do so much, to show that they care, even if they want to do more. Boundaries play an important role, in keeping "safe" places with each other, especially when transference and other deeper emotions are present.  

Did you build up a good supportive and good relationship (support and rapport) with your therapist before things started to change? 

The best thing you can do, is to try and focus on the positive stuff you and your therapist have worked through, TOGETHER. I've got two weeks before my final session, and I have been having dreams about my therapist (never sexual Lol.) I've cried uncontrollably, written poems about it all, wished I could have said/done some things differently.. All before I realised the good things that we've actually accomplished together. This has made me feel a whole lot more comfortable with my referral, even though I knew it was going to happen sooner or later (and it was also the best option for me right now.)

The fact that you said your therapist has helped you to function, is an amazing thing in itself, even if it doesn't feel like it at times. Remember this though: Okay, so he helped you to function, yes.. But part of that success, was down to YOU. It was you who opened up, listened, and changed yourself.  So you KNOW you have the strength to work through the difficulty you are facing now girl (;

As for over-calculating his care, don't worry about it so much (: I totally know where you're coming from.. :p You're human, and if you have an attraction to another human being, you're going to be subconsciously looking for signs whether he/she likes you back. The same applies in therapy. Eg. Say, if I tell a joke, I might mistake 
my therapist's regular laugh, for a flirtatious laugh. It can be anything from something as small as the look in their eyes, to a hug (If they allow one in the first place! -.-) 
Don't beat yourself up about it. People have feelings for other people, it just happened to be you in that setup and that's absolutely fine! 

I would like to congratulate you on making the first move for a referral *round of applause*. it's the best thing you could have done for yourself (: Gosh, it's going to be hard reliving your past therapeutic experiences, but you'll pull through, just like how you did with your other successes. I'm going to be doing the same too, so you're not alone (: Believe you me, I may sound like a chirpy bird, but deep down inside my heart is breaking Lol. 

I hope I haven't missed anything out (or I'll be thinking about it over and over and..) 
 I hope this helps, Mekay (:

Oh, and I listen to "Wouldn't Let Me love You" by Richard Marx.
It's exactly how i felt Lol.

(Edited 17 minutes later.)

Sherry joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 hour later, 5 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

I have always insisted that it is
more than transference sometimes.
:(

Mekay joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 25 minutes later, 5 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
He did say he cared about me once I'll never forget it!
It's probably awful for me to sit here and say he doesn't when
he said that.. and it makes me feel awful.

But I am trying to avoid all that. The pain of the ending.
I would much rather let it go. Someone whom I respect
said I was testing him. That I needed more than he is giving me.
And that was good.

Maybe I am. It doesn't feel like It.. I had my mind so set on it this morning..
then she says that..

Then I wonder am I? I do know one thing for sure that she said.
I do need more. And what feels good is I can say that knowing it isn't a
"needy" never ending well "more"

There is more here to be healed.. but he has to help me tap into that.
He is very non-intrusive. And I will hold everything in if you let me.

I need to be challenged.
This is more than just needing his care now that I think about it.
He has told me he cares...

Why do I feel like he has shut that off??
Maybe it is really that I have shut it off,
and I'm projecting it onto him.

Edit: which explains why my anger is more at myself than at him.
I should be angry at him for "losing his care"
Maybe I am the one who has lost it.

(Edited 1 minute later.)

Sherry joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 16 minutes later, 6 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

That is one of the hellish things about therapy
we doubt and question ourselves more than we
would in other relationships.

With other relationships we would go with what
out gut so to speaks tells us more often than
not. However, not with the T/C relationship
because he we think he/she must always be
right and we must be somehow wrong or messed
up in our thinking.

You ask why do you feel like he has shut that
off? I would say to you because maybe he has
but, not because he wanted to be mean, but
because he has gone into protective mode for
himself as a therapist.

After all it is far easier for him to let
you be the one who has the feelings that are
too much, and therefore best for you to move
on than it is for him to admit to any of his
own.

The other hellish part is the never knowing
for sure, the endless questioning going on
and on inside you mind, uless you can ask
direct questions and get direct answers.

(Edited 3 minutes later.)

Mekay joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 26 minutes later, 6 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
You are actually making sense to me. I say that not to
insult you. But to let you know.. I like it when you are like this.

I actually agree with you.
There is a lot of questioning. I don't understand why he would shut off
his care though?
I figured it was because I did something that caused him to lose his care for me.
I blame myself.

Or that I am not good enough, too boring, too difficult, reticent,
stagnant, ect..

I didn't think it would be to protect himself.
I couldn't imagine him saying he cared if he truly didn't at the time.
After all, a therapist does not have to reveal anything to us what so ever.

Something has definitely changed.. on both sides. I know I start
distancing myself.. when I feel myself feeling closeness..
or feeling like I have become too vulnerable.

I also know.. I was having a hard time dealing with the sexual part (which is separate
from my love/care for him I think) on my own.

But I didn't want to bring it to therapy too much.. b/c I didn't want to make it about him.
I got descriptive one time.. but it was merely b/c the fantasy freaked me out.

Mekay double-posted this 4.9 years ago, 4 minutes later, 6 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

I'm not good at asking direct questions.
And I am not even sure what it is I would
ask.

I just know I'm hurt.
That this is painful.

I feel like if Istop now.. I can get over not seeing him anymore.
But if I let myself go...
if I really work with him on me.

I don't know.
That the pain and loss of losing him eventually will be traumatizing.
It's not worth it.

In the book he gave me it talks about how.. some people avoid all relationships
b/c it is much easier than the pain and the hurt of losing them.

That is totally me.

Sherry joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 2 hours later, 8 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I think I used the wrong words when I said protect himself, what
I really, meant to convey is more like this, it was easier for
him as the therapist, to let the reason for you leaving stand as
you caring too much for him and needing him to care more for you.

This made is less messy for lack of a better word for him to sort
out and talk about therapist can get skmish too.

I do not think he would say he cared for you if he did not mean it
I hope this makes sense and is not upsetting, I know what I am
trying to say here I just hope you do as well. He cares but he is
walking on eggshells sort off. . .

Oh and I think it has more to do with how likeable he found you as
a person not the other way around otherwise he could have dealt with
things in a less caring way. Therapist refer clients all the time if
they do not like them.

(Edited 4 minutes later.)

Mekay joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 hour later, 10 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Thanks Helen. I have pretty much made up my mind. I know he is super busy, and that is why he
hasn't called back. He does not have enough time for me. He has too much going on.
Things have changed. Time to move on.

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I don't think N dislikes me or hates me.
I just feel like he isn't putting time or care into me anymore.
I feel discarded.

Why would he be walking on eggshells?
He seems pretty comfortable with the distance.

Sherry joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 13 minutes later, 10 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

I just mean therapist are always so careful
what they say to clients. Even more so to those
they really like, always fearful of maybe saying
or in some way showing how they really feel without
meaning to. We all know there are many reason for
this.

Your therapist sounds like he is a really good
man who does not want to do anything to harm you
ethically. Yet it may be that he finds himself
for the first time faced with a client that he
likes more than he is comfortable with, as a
therapist. He may very well be spending a lot of
time going over and over this T/C relationship in
his own head. It would not be the first time a
therapist has wondered what to do just as we do.

He is not going to let you see even if he is
uncomfortable with the distance, that is just part
of it they try to keep their feeling out of it well
most of them do.

(Edited 15 minutes later.)

Sifter joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 27 minutes later, 11 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Sherry, thank you for turning things around. It's a real pleasure to get to know more of you.

Sifter double-posted this 4.9 years ago, 3 minutes later, 11 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Mekay, I'm sorry for what you're going through here. I don't know what's going on with you and N, but I do know that there were times where G refused to let me get comfortable in his care because he was determined that I keep pushing things in my own life to make my own life what I need it to be. It sucks but I see it as a form of tough-love. If yyou have loss and lack, it's in you, it's in your life. You gotta face that and not settle on him as the answer, unless you want to spend forever paying him for one 50 minute dose of happiness a week. He knows that's not what's best for you.

Mekay (OP) replied with this 4.9 years ago, 40 seconds later, 11 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I don't think he is going over our relationship over and over.
I don't think he has time for that.

I am not sure he likes me more than he is comfortable with.
What gave you that idea (not asking in an argumentative way I'm just curious)
Because I have no clue. Any ideas are better than nothing for me right now.

I was so depressed over this .. this morning..
I skipped class.. and didn't turn in my work which can't be made up.
I ate cold Chinese and laid in bed feeling ridiculously tired.

I did, by the afternoon, get dressed and go see one of my
SI leaders.. b/c he is so freaking gorgeous and sweet.
I knew I would feel better if I saw him.

So that is saying something.. I wouldn't have been able
to do that a couple of years ago..

None the less, it still kept me from functioning.

I could feel myself slipping back into old avoidant habits again.

t joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 42 minutes later, 11 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

I am sorry Mekay...believe me..I know how u feel ...although my situation doesnt completely mirror urs, I am going through this right now too and I know how bad it hurts

Mekay (OP) replied with this 4.9 years ago, 19 minutes later, 12 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I would love details :/

t replied with this 4.9 years ago, 4 minutes later, 12 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

.............

(Edited 1 hour later.)

Mekay (OP) replied with this 4.9 years ago, 7 minutes later, 12 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Yea I know.. but not returning my calls..telling me he is too busy..
ect.

If he is too busy, ethically, he should refer me to a therapist
who isn't too busy to invest at least some time in helping me.
Or guiding me towards self healing.

B/c it feels like he has put me on the back burner for now.
It doesn't feel good.

shh joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 5 hours later, 18 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

K, I haven't responded so far because I don't know how to say what I think without risking upsetting you, but as Helen has been straight with you about how she feels, I guess maybe it's time I spoke out too.

I don't know how you will take this, but when I see what you have posted on this thread, what comes to mind, is that this is a classic BPD-type behaviour/response, it's a kind of reaction or set of reactions to be expected in someone with your background.

I know that doesn't take away the feelings of hurt, pain, rejection etc that you are feeling, they are you, they are your conditioned responses, based upon your past relationships, but N will be be able to see all this, he will know that the way you are behaving and the way you are feeling are very typical behaviours for someone with your background, and he will know or be in a suitable position to take advice from other professionals experienced in working with people who've had the kind of life you've had.

And maybe you can step back and see that your responses are typical responses for someone in your situation, and maybe you can say that to him - that you know that you are behaving predictably for someone in your shoes, but how do you address it, how do you move on from there? If you can acknowledge what is happening from that angle as well as the personal, emotional side of things, maybe that will help you both to focus and move things forwards.

Please don't stop seeing him K, you have worked so well together so far, and this type of situation was bound to arise, just as it would inevitably arise if you were with a different therapist, the opportunities for growth and self-development in it are enormous, if you stick with it, you will look back and be really glad you did x

Mekay (OP) replied with this 4.9 years ago, 3 hours later, 21 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Hey thanks you guys. I take criticism (when it is constructive)
fairly well so no worries.

This isn't about I have all of a sudden flipped out and gotten angry at him..
or trying to get back at him sort of thing.

This has nothing to do with him. I am thinking about me and my little heart breaking.
I feel fragile. I am mostly avoiding the pain that is coming with having feelings for him.
It bothers me that his apology seemed unauthentic (about not returning my phone calls)
yes..

and some other stuff.. but those things are just icing
on the cake for everything else.

Mekay (OP) double-posted this 4.9 years ago, 6 minutes later, 21 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

I have pretty much already made my mind.
That's why I called him and told him.

If I was unsure.. I would have made a thread about it
on here and not tell him.. then poke at the subject in
therapy like last time.

The most I could see changing it having a few more sessions
to end it.

It is way too painful for me. I don't like the limited care.
Like I said, it is evocative of my childhood.
I am not interested in experiencing that again with someone
I have given more to (intimacy wise) than anyone else.


I am not saying I have given him all of me... because I haven't.
But I want to stop it before it gets there.. b/c I know the game.
It will take YEARS to recover when he is gone.

I am already depressed about ending now.. and I have decided
to go on anti depressants to cope with it.

Because I know a wave of depression and mourning is about to come.
I am already preparing for it.
I know I can't control the depression/mourning phase.
I can already feel it.

But I have caliced myself towards him enough.. that I think
I can pull through with my decision.

Mekay (OP) triple-posted this 4.9 years ago, 1 minute later, 21 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

the last two therapists I had.. I just left. I didn't tell them..
didn't give them a reason.. b/c I didn't care about them or
feel connected to them.

At least I am trying to end this on an ok note.

Mekay joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 3 hours later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Thanks Helen.. I agree I need to work through these issues..
which is why I'm going to ask for a referral.
I understand the argument that this may come up with another therapist.

But like I said before, transference can be taken so far.
I really do think a lot of this is genuine likeness of his character..ect..

I have not had transference like this with any other therapist.
I know that is also correlated to the fact I opened up more with him.

However, I was comfortable doing so with him.
I haven't been with anyone else.

There are reasons of relatability there.

We may have different backgrounds.. we are two different people..
but there are similarities there, I feel, that helped the attachment along.
I really wish he wasn't my therapist.. and this does not help therapy.

I am not saying I want to have his babies and tear his family apart..that is
just silly.

But I feel in order for me to keep working through my issues I need to get past the attachment.
That's not going to happen with him.

I need to change to a different therapist where I don't feel the chemistry as strongly.
There isn't much chemistry right now.. but there has been in the past that
encouraged the development of my attachment.

Dr Robert just said this in another thread:
Psyche USES the therapist to make her distress evident, and the more she trusts the therapist, the more psyche, speaking in the language of relationship with the therapist, will say where it hurts.


I believe this is true. I think it will occur again..
but maybe more mildly with someone
I don't feel I can relate to as much.

Mekay double-posted this 4.9 years ago, 35 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

This is so ironic. He tried to refer me for that very same reason in the
beginning of therapy.

He even said "maybe you need someone older or female."
Maybe he was right the first time around.

Sherry joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)


I'm not sure I can explain why I think some of the things I said in this post.
Its more of a gut feeling going on my personal experince the past 7 years. I
too had other therapist before male and female and did not feel the least
bit of transference no loving feelings at all.

My therapist also stopped seeing me that first year when I told him how I
really felt about him, and did not see me for three full months before I got
him to start seeing me again.

I guess maybe since I have had a therapist who has been open with me and yes
I know how everyone feels about him. and our relationship. I feel I have some
insight into what the other side feels and thinks when he/she the therapist
really does care more for one of their clients. Because he and I have talked
so openly about it. I know that I could be wrong in your case with N. however,
I could be right and this maybe why you feel he has put distance between the two
of you.

Sherry double-posted this 4.9 years ago, 11 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

MeKay also what Shhh said about BPD type behivour/response makes a lot of
sense not trying to insult you here, trust me I have no I idea if this is
even something that's a part of your makeup.

However if it is it fits, it is part of mine and I deal with things by the
need to run and have pulled this on my therapist many times. BDP clients are
some the most difficult for therapist to work with and many therapist will
not work with us because we are so difficut.

Sorry if this is getting messed up my 21 year old son is in and out of the
room we are waitig to see if his sister who is 25 is really in labor with
her first baby or if it is a false alarm. I have to make some phone calls.

Ailonna joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 38 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
If you sense this may happen again with a different therapist, then shouldn't you just avoid therapy altogether? I don't think your emotional state can handle therapy as simply that, therapy. You seem to instead translate this to an intimate human interaction, and then somewhere in the midst of it all (when they are not reacting the way you had imagined) you come back to planet earth, and can no longer face the person. Do you think that maybe you are using your feeble emotional and mental state as bait to form relationships with people you know will automatically understand you(therapists)?

Sally replied with this 4.9 years ago, 45 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

Mekay.. I totally agree with you. My referral is made and it already feels like an emotional weight off my shoulders- I hope it will for you too (:

You have picked up on a very important feeling within yourself- the feeling that you will never stop feeling for N. There will always be that barrier in your mind, preventing you from getting the best out of therapy itself. If you can't feel you can change that, then you probably won't be able to  Lol, for love and stuff isn't like any other emotion. Lol.

After all, it's not like you can just click your fingers and make your deeper emotions for N, just disappear. I'm guessing you asked yourself these questions already:
Will I be able to manage my feelings with N if I continue, knowing i'll have to part ways eventually? 
Will I always be looking for more than N  can offer as a therapist, emotionally (and possibly professionally, like more hours etc.) 
Will that make me feel rejected or disappointed if reality doesn't follow through with my thoughts and expectations?
Will all of this interfere with why I came to therapy in the first place and what I wanted to get out of it?

If Question 1 was a no and the rest of the questions were a yes.. A  referral was probably a good idea (; I'm not a psychologist or anything though, Lol I'm just an artist.

You said that you felt comfortable with him and that's great, I'm not surprised you got attached- it's only human! But at the same time, you must remember that even though you have deep emotions for N, some if it was probably based on the person he is in therapy.

In therapy, all therapists must have a certain group of qualities to ensure therapy can work for the client-- like being a good listener, being friendly, not judging you, giving you good advice to move you forward etc.

These are all the same good qualities, any person would look for in a potential partner (gf or bf) So it's hardly surprising that when there was that amazing chemistry between you two.. Bam! You became attached. (: So don't stress about this too much Mekay, it's normal. It's what you do with it now that counts. And if it means working through it with another therapist, that's okay. (:

I know people are saying you can work through this with N, but at the end of the day, you're only in Therapy to solve your problems and N's here to do what he has to do in order for you to do that. Also, at some point therapy will have to come to end.. There's no point in taking extra to work through deep emotions if they're already ingrained into your soul. Plus it'll still hurt you when you two do eventually part. If your emotions are stronger especially.
 
When you transfer, you'll miss him, but at the same time you'll think about all the great things you've accomplished together, as a team.
And you can still remember him for that.

.. You've recognised this (: Which is why you're at least somewhat happy to move on and in a way start afresh without too much attachment and chemistry with a new Therapist. This his how it'll work out for you in the end and I promise you, you'll be happier in time. Even If time takes it's time!

Take Care, Mekay

(Edited 8 minutes later.)

Sally double-posted this 4.9 years ago, 2 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

Lol, I have too much time on my hands

Mekay joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 56 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I was with you until the end.
I have never had any interest in connecting with
my therapists.

In fact, I felt nothing for them before. Elaborate.

I don't want N to react a certain way.
I honestly feel like he has been sloppy in a couple of areas..
that I don't think he would have been before.

He is busy. That's all there is to it. And I believe that's why.
It's one more notch to leave. That's just a small reason
out of a myriad of reasons why I want t leave..

Like I said before, Ali, my main reason for leaving isn't because
of some fault in in him.

But to protect myself, because I know myself better than anyone.
And I know I will not want to part from him if I continue with him.
It will take me years to get over him.

I know this about myself. I think the work we have done together is good..
Now that I am aware of what triggers my attachment I can avoid that next time
around and
I don't sense that this will happen to such an extreme degree again
which is why I want to change. I don't believe my attachment will be as strong.
He is the second therapist I have had in adult hood. I had two others as a teenager..
not by choice.

Sally thanks.. that's exactly how I feel.
I feel I have made a lot of progress with N.. and it is time to move on.
Start anew, like you said, with someone whom I have less chemistry with.

Feeling a mutuality of chemistry.. then feeling like he has pulled
back is painful for me.

Because it was mutual. I don't believe that is imagined by me.. which is why
I think I am so aware of the change.

Mekay double-posted this 4.9 years ago, 51 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

Also, Ali.. you bring up a good point about not wanting to face him..
but that is not because of what you stated.

More like I feel I have shown him too much of me.
I feel ashamed and embarrassed.

Mekay triple-posted this 4.9 years ago, 4 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

"You seem to instead translate this to an intimate human interaction, and then somewhere in the midst of it all (when they are not reacting the way you had imagined) you come back to planet earth"

It did feel like this, but I still don't think it was all in my head.
There was definitely a connection there for both of us.
He has pulled back for some reason.

We never crossed boundaries.. so I don't understand why.
I'm not saying he wanted my cha cha!! lol
I am just saying things were different before..

But again, just a small part of my decision.
there are so many reasons why I want to leave
and start fresh.

what do you mean by bait?? Like suck them in
then spit them back out and move on???

If that is what you mean.. or something related to that..
you may be on to something.

I do that with men all the time. I have had men fall in love with me,
want me, and I give them nothing in return.

I don't use a feeble emotional state to draw them in though.
It's a certain allure I can't describe. I have tried to understand it objectively
over and over.. I don't quite understand what it is..
but it's related to sex.

Like the black guy I sent you the picture of I see.
I like the fact everyone who eve rmeets him thinks he is super sexy.
I like it is he attractive and likes me.

But no matter how hard he tries I never give it up.
I was doing this BEFORE I decided to wait.

So I do think you're on the precipice of something the more
I read that line...

(Edited 5 minutes later.)

Sally replied with this 4.9 years ago, 12 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

You're very welcome Mekay (: I wish you the very best in that you will be able to have a beautiful relationship with your new therapist and find peace with N, within your heart and mind. I'm pretty sure you're a tough bird and that you'll accomplish any and all goals you set in your life (;

Take Care

Mekay replied with this 4.9 years ago, 2 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Hey thanks Sally.
I don't see him until the 8th.
We haven't even discussed it yet.

I am confident in my decision though.

Mekay double-posted this 4.9 years ago, 3 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

ugh the more I talk about this..
the more I see that my leaving may be mainly
about avoidance of all kinds of things.

That sucks. It means I'm scared.
But why am I not scared with someone else?
Maybe it's because I will feel more control...
if I go deeper and face these things with N..
He'll know even MORE of me.

I am avoiding intimacy.

Shit.

Which is ironic.. b/c my brain keeps telling me it is
intimacy I want.. and that that is what is lacking with him.

My brain is backwards.
How screwed up.

(Edited 1 minute later.)

Sally replied with this 4.9 years ago, 8 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

You're welcome, Mekay (: Be sure to keep us posted, love. I hope it goes well when you do discuss it too. I finish therapy with mine on the 12th :p

It's great you're confident though. You'll do wonders with this, almost new found confidence (I say "almost" because you already had it in you ;) )

(Edited 4 minutes later.)

Mekay replied with this 4.9 years ago, 10 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
lol you seem so excited for me. I am not that strong. :( I 'm sad over this.
I just know it needs to happen.

Why did you decide on a referral?

(Edited 25 seconds later.)

Sally replied with this 4.9 years ago, 20 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

Well Mekay if you're not strong now, you will be. It's all about time :D

Well it was actually, both my therapist and I who decided i needed a referral. We had talked about this openly through-out my sessions too.
I was seeing my therapist for CBT for a health problem, but as the sessions went on, we began to notice certain things about me and my mental health-- Which was in turn, slowing down my progress in cognitive behavioural therapy. After an evaluation with my new therapy, hopefully I'll be able to work through my issues and maybe, just maybe return to my old therapist for some more CBT on a phobia of mine :) I also had transference/almost love issues like you.. But I began to realise that my CBT will end, guaranteed and that I'll never see her again- that kinda woke me up and stopped me falling even more deeply.. :p I still think about her a lot though, and hope I get to say everything I want to say in the final session (: I'll miss my therapist but I'll always remember her every day in the techniques I use. I wish there was a way of thanking her for everything she's done and helped me with. 

Mekay replied with this 4.9 years ago, 17 hours later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

I picked a random CD I haven't listened to for awhile.
It's corny, but I thought of N when I heard it!

http://youtu.be/7zb-2YaU6-o

Such a beautiful song!

(Edited 41 seconds later.)

Ailonna replied with this 4.9 years ago, 5 hours later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
What I meant by this line:

> Do you think that maybe you are using your feeble emotional and mental state as bait to form relationships with people you know will automatically understand you(therapists)?

was that perhaps you subconsciously feel more comfortable exposing parts of yourself to therapists because of their occupation. I am not sure I can explain this properly in english, but instead of forming real relationships with people outside of this profession (complete strangers) you are more drawn towards therapists because you are aware that they will not reject you as quickly as strangers outside of the profession might. This is me observing your internet persona and what you have mentioned about your past. Your type of personality (susceptibility to form deeply emotional attachments based on attention) usually tends to follow a pattern.

As far as "N" goes, what closeness do you figure is existing on his end when it comes to you?

Mekay joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 2 hours later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Na he's the first therapist I have ever "exposed"
myself to.

I am only choosing a referral bc I think
I still need therapy.

More later on break 4 to midnight tonight!

(Edited 17 seconds later.)

Ailonna replied with this 4.9 years ago, 2 hours later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

Kay!

t joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 3 hours later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

Mekay

Just want to let you know how you have helped me.. I keep thinking of how u said "get your head out of the clouds" and I realized how much in fantasy land I was... I deleted my therapists number and am trying to forget about it all and just appreciate the help I did get from him and learn from the experience. I hope you are doing okay!

Mekay (OP) replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 hour later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Hey Ali.. thanks for the input..
I think a lot of what you said was correct.

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
T this is great! Good for you! I know how tempting it would be
especially since he is single... if he still feels for you in a couple
of years.. I wouldn't see a problem with it.. since you weren't working
together for very long and you are both single.

However, I doubt that will be the case. Not because you're not good enough..
But my guess is you won't be interested by then.

t joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 20 hours later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

lol he is actually not single..(don't judge me) he is married and had children....bad I know

Mekay (OP) replied with this 4.9 years ago, 2 minutes later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Well that changes my outlook a little!! haha

It's part of the reason I am leaving therapy with N.
He is married. It is even worse for me.. knowing he is married.

Mekay (OP) double-posted this 4.9 years ago, 1 minute later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

Even just wanting his friendship makes me feel bad..
b/c I know most married women aren't down with their husbands
befriending females.

i want to respect his marriage.
I know he wont cross boundaries at all.

That's not even the point. IT's the wanting it so much that bothers me

t replied with this 4.9 years ago, 2 minutes later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

I have an issue with being interested in things like that...I know its bad and HE knows that about me... funny thing is he never even mentioned his wife.. he mentioned his newborn son.. and how he cant loose his career but never his wife..

t double-posted this 4.9 years ago, 1 minute later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

thats actually one of the issues we were working on which is one of the reasons I am so suprised with the way he handled it.. was pretty easy for him to link together and solve but he fell into it... another funny thing is when we were discussing issues like this b4 he acted like he was trying to help me with it.. One time I told him a story about this married guy I hooked up with and he said "No married guy should be going down on you that is not a good thing" and then he acted the way he did hmmmmmmmmm

(Edited 1 minute later.)

Mekay (OP) replied with this 4.9 years ago, 14 minutes later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I don't think your therapist did anything wrong.
he felt attraction to you, but he tried to refer you
and said he couldn't cross boundaries..

he may have gone in to too much detail when he told you about the attraction..
but that was just about it.

He's only human.

The relationship between you two is totally diluted now though.

t replied with this 4.9 years ago, 58 seconds later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

why does it feel like a break up lol ugh so annoying

t double-posted this 4.9 years ago, 16 seconds later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

so how is your situation going>?

Mekay (OP) replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 minute later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Don't worry about venting on here feel free!
I am ok with it.. I have accepted it.

I'll miss him, and I really don't want to go..
but I feel like it must be done.

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Because it is a break up.
You two had feelings for each other.

t replied with this 4.9 years ago, 3 minutes later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

I am sure he is moving on just fine other than feeling embarassed...at least it makes me feel special that he probably learned from this situation and knows better than to reinact it...so I may be one of the few that got to see him in that state as a therapist...

I know how you feel though cause before I even admitted this to him I was feeling like I needed to stop going... are you going to go for a woman therapist>?

Mekay (OP) replied with this 4.9 years ago, 56 seconds later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

I have dedicated so much time to him it's ridiculous.
out of no where I have been wanting to get a good camera for photos lately...
SLR..

Well I found a Canon 500D SLR.. pretty sure I'm getting it..
b/c it is waaay cheap.

It's used but an excellent deal.
so I'm pretty sure I'm about to dive into photography.

it's not a professional camera.. but I'm a newb anyway.
But still a GREAT camera.

Plus this writers group.. so I am developing myself..
I know that has come from therapy with him.

So I'm gonna miss him.

(Edited 47 seconds later.)

t replied with this 4.9 years ago, 4 minutes later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

awww well those sound like good development tools and also good distractions that may make this not as tough to go through and it is wonderful how much he has helped u

(Edited 28 seconds later.)

t double-posted this 4.9 years ago, 45 seconds later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

when is ur last session

Mekay (OP) replied with this 4.9 years ago, 11 seconds later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I have felt I have a lot of issues with men that N has definitely helped me
resolve.. I thought I was a lesbian when I first started therapy. Seriously.
I had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship with a woman.

I still think I want to work with a male therapist though.

t replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 minute later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

I have been told I should no longer see a male but I also think a male may help me more than anything

Mekay (OP) replied with this 4.9 years ago, 5 seconds later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I told him next session which is the 8th.
But we may arrange something else.

I haven't even talked with him about termination yet.
He didn't call, I am certain it's because he wants to talk about it
in person, and he's busy, so I don't know what the plan is yet.

We may take a few sessions to separate.. now that I am feeling
not as compulsive and confident in my decision.. I may be ok with that if he is.

t replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 minute later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

yea its tough... I keep wanting to emailm or text my t but i keep stopping myself

Mekay (OP) replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 minute later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

There are things I am going to miss about him.
Like his music. He has played some of his music for me, and I can
really tell he appreciates it in an artistic way like I do.

He recommended this christian singer to me.. who is so TALENTED
and artsy, right up my alley, it's not even funny.

Not to hate on the rest of christian music, because I like a lot of the popular stuff,
I haven't found anything as original or human as this guy.

Just pure talent.. he reminds me of a non christian artist I'm a huge fan of.

Also, his sense of humor. We both have a sort of awkward dry, goofy (weird mixed)
sense of humor..

But he may just be matching my style.. hard to tell with therapists.

Mekay (OP) double-posted this 4.9 years ago, 2 minutes later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

It's funny b/c he asked me recently about this singer he recommended..
he asked if I like him.

I FREAKING LOVE it! But I just nodded my head like it was no big deal.
I don't want him to know how excited I was about it.

Maybe that is more closeness I was avoiding.
The more we connect on.. the harder it hurts to part.

Mekay (OP) triple-posted this 4.9 years ago, 1 minute later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
You're strong.

t replied with this 4.9 years ago, 10 minutes later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

thats so funny same here we had a music connection w dance music.. like more obscure artists.. his ring tone went off one of the first sessions and like no one would know that song but i called it out and he would bring that up almost a year later..stating how he was so shocked that I knew it.. and then we would talk about diff songs like that all the time or when mine went off he was like oh I love that song! We had a lot in common to and just personality.. he is full of energy like I am and really appreciated that.. its funny u say that cause i would do stuff like that too... like he would ask me something I was really excited about but i would act like all cool about it lol

Mekay (OP) replied with this 4.9 years ago, 2 minutes later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
ha! I never let us delve into the depths of things
outside of therapy stuff.

Now that I think of it. I have always kept him at a distance.
There have been so many times he has aroused an emotional reaction in me
and I keep it to myself.

I really am in reality though now...
For a minute I thought maybe a part of him sometimes felt the same (I know crazy)
I know that was just a total fantasy now.

t replied with this 4.9 years ago, 5 minutes later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

well.. you never really know how he feels.. (unless he is a blabber mouth like me) but he may in fact feel that way more than likely he is experiencing some type of countertransference even if its just friendship but I guess in the grand scheme of things that doesnt really matter... and I also keep trying to remind myself of that

Mekay (OP) replied with this 4.9 years ago, 17 seconds later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

There was a hot minute I really let him in.
I mean really let him in.

It was too painful letting him in.. knowing deep down..
I was just a client to him.

his caring was limited.

I was giving him a piece of me.. and receiving limited care.
No thanks.

Mekay (OP) double-posted this 4.9 years ago, 1 minute later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
It could also be negative too...

I feel like I was on a bad drug for a year..
and i'm just coming down.

It's awful

t replied with this 4.9 years ago, 40 seconds later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

yea... thats why I know I could never be his client again... I know how u feel... thats why I wonder if it would be better to have a woman.. but I am bi so u nevr know transference could happen w a woman too oh goodness..

Mekay (OP) replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 minute later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I don't think I'll experience it like this again.
I never have before.

I really do think he is a great man.
I would be attracted to him if I knew him personally.
I have no doubt about that.

That's why I think I'll be ok with a referral..
I may have some temporary transference with a new therapist...
but I don't think it will be as strong.. and as grueling.

t replied with this 4.9 years ago, 2 minutes later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

yea I feel the same way! I thought he was cute even back when I was younger..I thought about it in different situations and I would still be attracted to him... its more than anything his radiance, curiosity and passion.. oh and his sense of humor.. when I saw him out those are the first things I noticed as well.. just his energy and spirit..

t double-posted this 4.9 years ago, 4 minutes later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

...............................

(Edited 16 minutes later.)

t joined in and replied with this 4.8 years ago, 1 day later, 5 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
i feel that way too lol
:
[upload]

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