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Topic: How to know who am I?

Anonymous A started this discussion 5 years ago #2,512

Starting in my childhood, irrational thinkings were part of my life. I remember how I couldn't sleep and I was at the vergfe of crying thinking in the drama of a member of the family dying, or even thinking how my family would react to my death. I remember I always thought I was smarter than others, better than others, and I even thought I had some kind of superiority in my group of friends in elementary school. And well... I expressed it, and we even had something I'd call a club, and I was the boss. Really dumb, I know, but at the time I felt like the most important kid in the world.
I had a recurring fantasy about a girl I liked spying me in a plane with a camera, so I acted really educated and "cool" while I was in my grandma's house (I don't know, really don't ask me)

Starting puberty I was confused by pretty much everything I saw in the TV or read in a book. I imitated characters I liked, to a radical point. Then, I started to understand that I was really imaginative. Then something I still do, started, I started going in circles while thinking about my "cartoon" or "videogame". I've always wanted to do some of those, or a movie. First, I did it in my bycicle. Then I started walking (It was a big garden) around. Now I just do it around the table, while thinking in a lot of things, now it's not just limited to my creation. I started too draw a lot, even though I wasn't really good. I didn't want to learn, I thought my "Style" was awesome and no one could ever teach me how to do it better. After a while I recognized that was stupid.

Then in adolescence, the real problems started. I started to see groups of people as enemies that hated me, just because they marked an error to me or dumb things like that. I started to see my friends as people who will never betray me and will always forever be at my side, and they would be my biggest companions forever. Even though I didn't know them that well. I "fell in love" with a girl so much I talked two no more than 4 times, and I imaginated my life with her as my biggest dream. And then the next day, everything changed. I had different perspectives, a little action could change my whole perspective of the world. Like, when two guys started making fun of how I talked, I thought my life was wrecked and I was at the verge of suicide. They probably were joking and wanted to be my friends. I took it to a dangerous level, I hated them so much. I thought I was a victim. I didn't want people to see me because I was so ashamed of myself. I started to became anxious, I started to think the worst of everything. And then, I watched a movie and everything was perfect again, and I was in fact, the best guy ever with an awesome dramatic story. I've always thought I'm really important. And I will do something awesome with my life, even though, in my rational thinkings I believe doing something awesome with your life is dumb.

I made radical stuff out of nowhere, I wanted to enter to an art high school, while my parents choosed a normal one. Anyways, I was a really calm kid who knew nothing about the world, and then I prepared everything and went alone to the high school walking through the city just to sign in instead of going to school. No one would've ever thought I'd do such a thing so it was easy. I mean, I didn't even like to go out or anything, if you knew me at that time you would know how weird it was.

I've had a lot of obsessions, when I was younger I used to browser about conspiracies and stuff like that. I remember there was a time I was REALLY scared about the world ending, until I forget about it. I didn't sleep well since my childhood, in my teens I used to not sleep some days, I thought about a lot of stuff and thought and thought...

I never talked to anyone about this, I have a lot of things coming through my mind right now, and well through all my life there has been a lot more of this. Thanks to the internet I recently found out that, indeed, this affected my life in a lot of ways. And now I've been thinking... Who am I really? My life has been filled with delusions and false dreams that changed every day or every hour. And it keeps happening.

Also I recognized that many of my thoughts were irrational and dumb, I didn't believe everything. But, many that would be considered irrational controlled many and still control aspects of my life.

I enjoy this, in a way. But, is this who I really am? Can a personality be defined by irrational thinking?

(Edited 2 minutes later.)

Anonymous B joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 10 minutes later[^] [v] #0

And, just to be clear,as many of this thoughts made me believe my life was going to be awesome, also made me believe my life was going to be a catastrophe. Thoughts about aomeone persecuting me, people judging me, people hating me and plotting against me. I from time to time think someone dear to me is a psychopath who some day will kill me and watch every movement they make and sometimes I preffer to be in company of someone else while being with that person. Not to the point or acting on it, but feel really uncomfortable if it happens.

Molly joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 17 hours later, 17 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Hey OP,

I hope you are still around.I read this earlier,and really wanted to post the one and only thing I can contribute that might help you understand. The question to Dr Robert is about enlightenment.Ignore the reason for the question,but the metaphor he gives with the 'movie theater' changed my world a year ago. I went from believing my thoughts,to realizing thoughts are always playing,and always changing,and has nothing to do with the reality of who we are. I hope it helps. If you have more questions,feel free to ask.

http://www.askdrrobert.dr-robert.com/awakenedview.html
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