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Topic: Boyfriend of almost 2yrs & co parent of blended family easily has temper when things get heated.

Misty started this discussion 6.2 years ago #2,501

My boyfriend and I have a blended family of two 10yr olds and one 6yr old. For the most part it has all been going well, but there are a few situations I feel might be larger "red flags" in our relationship than I had previously thought. He doesn't seem to like my older boy that much. He has actually said it in his own words not to my boy but to me, although I know my boy who is a TAG student can tell. If my son says or does anything my boyfriend doesn't like or thinks is strange my boyfriend will rudeley criticise hime for it. My boyfriend is a manly type man, all about sports and being a guy. My son is very sensitive and has a great sense of empathy. My boyfriend thinks he's pretty much just a pussy. They often get in arguments and I will stand back and look onto the situation in thrid person to see how they are handling the issues. A lot of the time my boyfriend says things to my son that kind of put him down, either for his inteligence, or for choices he had made. He makes it clear in these arguments that he's VERY easily irritated by my son who is a gentle loving boy but has learned in the past two years to snap back and show more aggression, my son also does a great job saying he's sorry after an argument but my boyfrind thinks that's "rediculous" "apologizing doesn't change that fact" and he will usually tell my son ok, but that doesnt fix anything...I'm sure my son learned the snapping back and agression from him, he didn't used to get so angry easily. I have been stepping in a lot more lately not allowing certain things to be said to my son. My boyfriend is really careful to put someone down without being so forward and obvious about it. My son has very low self esteem now and so does my boyfriends daughter of the same age. I have talked to my boyfriend about this and he of course overly defended himself the first few times, but did finally have a good chat with me and said he will try his hardest to change the way he handles things...Then there are situations between him and myself. If we get in an argument I'm usually VERY careful with my words and my focus is on respect and resolving the situation. I will appoligize when needed even though I have been told "Oh that bullshit of an appology you gave me", I will let him know I hear what he's saying, I will repeat what hes saying, but if I ask of anything from him or show any emotion or worry about something he caused or did 90% of the time he gets overly defensive and starts criticising me and my emotions at the same time turning the conversation around to make it seem like I'm attacking HIS charactor or something he did or who he is. Usually I'm just bringing up how I feel about something without using the words "you" or "always" or blaming type phrases but he most often turns the conversation around and turns himself into the victim, he also starts using mean phrases or words trying to attack me but so descreetly or trying to show HE has all the power. Lastnight I expressed how lonely I have been lately because he has been so stressed at work and stopped showing me much affection. I was careful to stay calm, not sound blaming, suggested options for us to work on it, eventually he turned it around and said I need to get off his back (even though I had only mentioned it twice very calmsly) and told me in so many words how offended he is that his girlfriend wants MORE out of him when he's already giving all he has. He said he can't give all his energy to this work stress AND us so he has to give one up. I asked completely? You have to give affection for me up completely? He said yeah where else am I going to get the energy? He began making several comments like that which sounded so heartless and rude even after I told him all I want is just a little bit of affection, just a hand on my leg, a sweet kiss here and there, you don't have to give me much time, or cuddle me constantly, I really do understand the stress I just want SOMETHING to say I love you. But his words were NOT loving at all which is what I came to him for, he was just overly offended i would dare to ask for affection from him, how dare I. Eventually he walked away so I went to my room, a few minutes later he came barging in, slamming doors, told his daughter to get ready to go, then came in the room and said "Im leaving" I asked why? he didn't answer, I asked again he said loud and rude like "I just heard my girlfriend tell me everything I'm doing is not good enough, asking for MORE from me when I made it clear I have nothing more to give, I'm stressed so I'm going to do something fun" (or he said it close to that) I said, I do apologize what i said made you feel liek I'm not being understanding, that's not what I was going after or meant. He said well it's too late for that now. I said you know maybe we can all go do something fun, that might be good for us. He looked me firm in the eyes and said "I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING FUN WITH YOU!!" I suddenly realized him going to do something fun is his way of punishing me for simply asking for more affection and time. He has the tendancy to use love and affection as punushment tools. If you piss him off he will take the love and affection away from you which is what I get often and as of right now...This temper of his and using words like that to attack and his need to "win" arguments instead of resolving them has really eaten at me more than I can handle now. I love how he is when he seems to be "playing" the nice guy even though that's only on HIS terms, but hate that I have to train my kids to walk on egg shells and I also have to walk on egg shells myself, be very careful what we bring up and how we do it as to not trigger his temper. It's only really bad once a month or so, but there are small situations in between that he has actually been learning how to handle better. This one last night though I felt like was a HUGE punch in the face. He intentionally wanted to hurt me. Now he will play the silent treatment game to punush me, (but I'm not showing any emotion towards it this time). Giving me the lack of love and support this whole conversation started with all because he took it all WAY too personal and instead of talking like an adult about it all, instead he had to have a huge tantrum. I'm not sure what to do now, play the silent game back(which I think is a dumb childish game), make him sit down and try talking to me again (risking yet another huge argument where he will hold his ground and be defensive) and at that time make it VERY clear this type of response and temper is a HUGE NO NO which I have told him many times. This small conversation turned into a whole new LARGE issue all because of his temper. Also walking away from me angrily or leaving the house angry then coming back and playing like nothing happened is a big game he plays too. I don't think our relationship should be a competition like this and don't think he should continue to have the power and control in the house. I'm ready to fight, but don't know how. How do I respond to him when he acts out like this. I REALLY want to talk through this with him. Oh he also told me "I don't need you in order for me to get through this stress. I can do it alone, theres nothing I need from you." I thought about that today and thats bullshit! He has me to come home and vent to, he has leaned on my shoulder many times when he came home overly stressed. I talked with him about it, gave him advice, comsoled him, rubbed his back, calmed his nerves. & he doesn't need that? Who could possibly not need that? I know he only said it from anger but I'm a firm beleiver in you are who you are no matter what the situation. If hes an ass due to stress or being put on the spot in arguments then he is an ass period and that ass hole takes away all the good things he does when he's not angry. I could care less about the good things right now. I keep replaying "I don't need you." "Your not as important (per say)" "Your felings dont matter (per say)" "I'm going to have fun without you" "I don't want to have fun with you"...Who am I to him? I feel...worthless but at the same time very powerful to make a change...HOW?? WHAT?? I would rather not walk away I'm a fixer, I work hard for what Iv'e got and won't walk away until i know I have done everything possible to fix this all...advice, please?? Sorry it's so long, oh we have lived together for a yr and a half in an apartment. We both work full time, my job is extremely stressfull as well, I had come home and shut down several times in the past, but never got angry and withrew from love.

(Edited 18 minutes later.)

Misty (OP) double-posted this 6.2 years ago, 18 minutes later[^] [v] #0

Read further and tell me again what you think...I started with the lighter end of the issues...

Molly joined in and replied with this 6.2 years ago, 49 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^] [v] #0

Keep being honest. Totally 100% honest IF you are wanting to get down to the nitty gritty truth to see if he is capable of putting his trust in this as well. Usually,we do not like the truth. We try and hide it from each other due to fear of loosing the feeling of having control.

Don't back down to avoid fear. Don't walk on egg shells. Don't tell him what he needs to do.. Tell him all about you. The real truth. You'll see then if he appriciates it,or is capable of empathy.

A month or so ago,I was overwhelmed with life's duties. My husband was just sitting there and that made him a target for my pain. I started nagging him,and thought,"why does HE get to relax,etc?" He started fighting back,of course,with all my aggressive ways. I went outside,thought about the REAL issue,and went in and told him the truth. "I was using you for a 'punching bag' because I am in pain,from feeling stuck. I am very overwhelmed and it has nothing to do with you." that was the truth. He responded very well to that,and gave me his truth. His truth was the exact same as mine. We weren't listening to each other because we were hiding the truth.

Keep being truthful about your pain. If he is sick of it,and or can't handle it,well... You deserve more.

Don't forget to listen to his truth as well. He may need help. Example,"Do you feel overwhelmed? Does that scare you?"

I suspect maybe you guys BOTH are hiding your real pain from each other.

Sherry joined in and replied with this 6.2 years ago, 26 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^] [v] #0

Well it is hard to know where to start, first of all if your boyfriend has a major issue with your oldest son
that is not going to just go away. Sounds like they have a clash of personalities, which will only get worse as
your son gets older.

You will as the mom not be able to take the constant remarks about your son, this will cause more problems with
you and your BF. You say your son is very sensitive I can only see these remarks and the tension between you and
your BF causing an already sensitve young man to devolop more issues as time goes by. Not at all fair to your son.
When someone like your son already has low self esteem living with the kind of mental and psycholigial abuse and
and make no mistake, that is what you BF is giving your son, like what I am saying or not. This can lead your son
more problems than he already has.

Knowing that your BF cannot talk to you or say he is sorry in an adult manly way without insulting you is a big
red flag. From what you say he always turns things around and makes you feel guilty or tries to, this is something
that he will not stop doing it will get worse with time trust me on this one. The person who does this is what I
call a professional victim, the "you always or you never" will not stop no matter how you try to start out a
converstation in a normal tone of voice it will aways end with him yelling at you.

As for the walking away in the middle of an argument, just to piss you off more that is somethihg that he will
keep doing as well, and right now unless you can get your children in the car first and leave him in the middle
of the argument before he can do it to you, then you are stuck at home while he drives away. Then he will come
back and act as if nothing has happened just walk right in the door like EVERYTHING IS 100% OK. So get out of
the relationship now do not go any deeper into it, it will not change oh I'm sorry yes it will change it will
get worse, and it could move on to physcial abuse. Sorry if this sound depressing been married for over 25 years
and my children or just now out of the house.

Misty (OP) replied with this 6.2 years ago, 28 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Thank you Molly and Sherry...I really truly appreciate your honesty!! Sherry yes I agree with everything you are saying. I know it's harmful and I know it's my responsibility to make the change. I'm sure you understand the feelings of wanting to work through it and how the good times always bring you back to giving more chances...But YES I do know that's a dreamers attitude about it. It will never change and it will possibly get worse. It has actually gotten better, or he's doing a good job at "trying" to hold back his temper and chosing better ways to speak, especially to my son, but then all it takes is one solid cruel outburst like last night to delete all that good doing and place him back in the pit again. I'm sad...I really wish he could just simply make a positive change, liek going cold turkey. Just tell himself my family means more to me than anything I will do what it takes to respect them in every way possible...That would be so great! But obviously unrealistic...

Misty (OP) double-posted this 6.2 years ago, 2 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

BDM...There are two sides to every story, but him and I both created this story. I showed respect and stayed calm like I always do, unfotunately he could not like he always does...Like Sherry said, he's pretty much verbally abusive...I only listed SOME things he says to us. I can't possibly type the "tone of voice" here as well which adds to it immensely...Thank you for your one liners though!

Sherry joined in and replied with this 6.2 years ago, 13 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I am sorry that I can not say something that would make you feel better.
I'll have to finish this in later someone just came in to the room and
I have to get off the computer for a time.

Sherry joined in and replied with this 6.2 years ago, 18 hours later, 20 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Misty - Yes there are two sides to every story,
and I would never suggest that you are without
your own faults. However, he seems to be far too
childish to be a father figure for his children
much less yours.

He does not seem to care about the emotional and
psychologial harm to his children why would he care
about that same harm to your children.

If he does not respect you now and you stay with him
he will not grow to respect you for staying
he will grown to direspect you for staying and allowing
him to do the things he does to you. He may not even
know this on a conscious level, however on a subconscious
level he will be acting this out.

Misty (OP) replied with this 6.2 years ago, 1 hour later, 21 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Sherry, I completely agree and everything you have said here I repeat to myself all throughout the day...Yes of course I have my own faults, but I will admit to them and apologize when needed. I do have my issues, my baggage and I have always been willing to share and work on those with him. There have been situations where my issues caused a problem which led into a small argument, but I would quickly come to face what it was I did wrong and admit to it then suggest or make changes i will need for the future. I don't think it's too much to ask for him to do the same when a situation comes up that maybe he has done or he can change. Instead of having a temper tantrum about it and blowing it way out of proportion or trying to WIN the argument and power, why not just do like I do and try to find resolve with the issue whether it be something I did wrong or something he did wrong...It's ok to make mistakes and it's ok to have negative feelings about certain things. It's how you attack those issues that count and I have been trying my best to find ways to attack them the proper way, with as much respect for each other and our relationship as possible. It's just so very diheartening that he doesn't feel the same way about this...I agree with your last paragraph and have been thinking a lot about this. If he doesn't respect me now, he probably never will and will lose even more respect if I keep allowing it to happen. I will also lose respect with my son if he knows I'm allowing it to happen and that is what means the most to me. I know he doesn't know just how intense and disrespectful he is on a concious level, but I do know he has a good idea, but may not want to accept it or deal with it because if he does, that means he agrees and he loses if he agrees. He's too competitive to lose! I grew up with anger and abuse around me in my life from step dads and my oldest brother. The first few times my boyfriends anger and temper came out he truly scared the piss out of me. I told him right away that's a huge red flag, but then I keep allowing more chances for it to happen. I guess I had been hoping his sweet side would eventually overpower the angry temper side eventually and he would learn how important it is to learn to communicate with full respect and have "fair fights" full of integrity and respect rather than fighting just to have power and win, and to prove he has done nothing wrong it's YOU that has all the issues or YOU are the one causing him to be so angry...I have a lot to think about...Currently we are still not touching each other at all. He did talk to me some when I got home yesterday but I can tell he's slowly on the track of acting like nothing ever happened and just let it all slide away, eventaully start talkign more then physical touches again and forget about it all. That's the way he likes to deal with this stuff. I'm not that way. I know better, this will keep coming back up stronger next time if we don't work through it and resolve the issues and work on a better way to argue or have a heated discussion next time. I know resentment will grow more than it already is if left untalked about...Now, today, I'm trying to figure out how to go about this. If I bring it up again and say hey we need to talk through this before we just ignore it all, he will roll his eyes, ask why? or say "what is there to talk about?" in an irritated voice then right away I will feel completely disrespected again, like he doesnt care to make things right. He's so afraid to face the issues especially if he knows it means there are changes that need to be made on his part as well or he knows he may have done wrong. He sees it as a weakness to admit to that. He won't "win" if he admits to that...I wish he could see different...

Sherry joined in and replied with this 6.2 years ago, 23 minutes later, 22 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

I wish I could tell you that this will happen but unless his cares enough about you to want to change
it will not. If he were to go with you to a therapist now, while you two are still young maybe. But I
see little chance of him being willing to do that from what you say about him.

Here is the other really bad thing that is going to happen if you stay with him, your son or sons and
your daughter are going to learn that this is how a male female relationship works, or at least that
is the picture that is going to form in their minds. Do you follow what I am saying, your daughter
will think this is what a woman is supposed to put up with from a man, and your sons witll think this
is how a man treats a woman. My own son followed in the footsteps of his dad, he felt it was just fine
to call me whore, cunt, bitch and anything else he had heard his dad call me. Never mind the fact that
I had never screwed around on his dad or been a whore. As for bitch that is in the eye of the beholder
and coming from an emotionally abusive husband well screw his opinion on anything. Bitch can simply
mean you are not making them feel like the king of the f-ing world.

(Edited 1 minute later.)

Sherry joined in and replied with this 6.2 years ago, 29 minutes later, 22 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Also when the sexual relationship begins to be used as a weapon
against one another, or one or the other of you with holds sex
from the other for a long period of time, the doomsday clock
has begun to tick.

If the "withholder" will not talk to the other party about why
he or she is with holding sex. Unless there a good reason such as
depression or a good physical reason for sexual affection being
with held the relationship is going to suffer great damage.

One or both parties will look for someone who will at the very
least give them a strong emotional realtionship with all the
emotional support love and care they need. Someone who is there
and willing to share openly with them when the person they live '
with never has been.

Misty (OP) replied with this 6.2 years ago, 1 minute later, 22 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

I understand....Yes I definitely don't want the kids learning anything negative from this. They never really see any of our arguments go down, but they do see the silent treatments afterword and they do feel it all I'm sure. They do deal with the criticism and such directly from him. I also started getting a little critical with my older son for a while there to please my boyfriend, but realized it was hurting my boy so I stopped. Thats when my man and I had a talk abotu the affects on my son. He still doesnt understand completely...My man has never called me names, only ones I heard him say I was "acting like a bitch" but this wasnt in an argument, it was in a normal conversation. I still let him know I was offended though. He does say things like I'm rediculous or "but I have to hear you BITCHING to me about it..." or "It's not my fault your not smart enough torealize..." This is what I mean when I say he says things to hurt you but is not direct about it. Taking this approach makes him think he's not doing anything wrong because he didnt actually say the real thing. I wish I would have written down all the things he had said so I can present it to him. Show him all those phrases, repeat them back to him maybe, in the same tone of voice, make him hear how I heard it and fell it. Some of those phrases I cant get out of my head. Some I forced out because I didnt want them to ruin us just by recycling them in my head over and over causing me to have more resentment I cant let go of...I actually have been trying to remember them all and write them down. I though about sharing them with him, but again, walking on eggshells I fear he will blwo up into another argument or do the whole this is rediculous phrases by rolling his eyes, asking why are you showing me this, I didnt say that bla bla bla...I can't force him to see himself in the true light and I have tried in the most calm and reasonable ways I could in the past, but for the most part he just wants to find excuses or argue against it...Anyway, yeah he has never directly called me names or even "directly" put me down, it's all by carefully selected phrases he uses which is just as bad. The kids never see him argue with me, and I knwo if they do they need to see us resolve it as well. But they do feel the effects I'm sure. My older son though has had the same type of arguments with him using those negative hurtful phrases...preventing that is the most important to me right now. I asked my man to talk to him with more compassion. he says so what I have to baby him and say oh will you please stop doing that because i don't appreciate it and it's not nice (in a really overly sweet childish voice) I told him no, just firmly tell him what is expected of him and hold your ground WITHOUT the criticism or cutting him off when he talks or putting him down for saying something you dont agree with. Just speak with respect, he's a smart kid! My man says, well if he's a smart kid then he would know not to do anything that pisses me off. I said we all do things we arent supposed to do, we speed, we eat fatty foods, we lie, we skip work when were not sick...HE'S HUMAN! He's also 10 so he will most likely repeat his wrong doings especially if we scold him in negative ways about it. That does not make us better and more powerful that just makes him feel more disrespected and worthless. He tried to agree with me and said he would really work on changing his ways with how he reacts but said that he has a temper and is really ractionary. I said yes you are, then you work on that and I will also work on making sure I don't criticise and involving myself more...A couple weeks ago his daughter broke down crying while doing school work saying it has to be perfect, it's not perfect and it has to be. He kept telling her it's fine, it doesnt have to be perfect. I was thinking, wait a second, she thinks it has to be perfect because of the phrases you use when talking to her, you make her feel like she has to be perfect, schoolwork, everything. She has to win, she has to be popular (thats a whole other topic I got pissed about). Anyway, after she had a huge melt down again they finally sat down and talked alone about it for a while. I'm so proud of her because she straight out told him HE makes her feel like she has to be perfect. Nothing is good enough.he told me this after i asked him what they talked about. He kind of looked like he really didnt want to tell me, but I'm happy he did I really appreciated that and he said he told her he will definitely work on that. Not too long before this I had told him he's having an affect on her with the way he talks to her and what he expects out of her. He argued against it quite a bit, then this happened and kind of made it come to some light to him I think...

Sherry joined in and replied with this 6.2 years ago, 9 minutes later, 23 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

It sounds like he had a glimps into how he makes his daughter feel, I hope he really did see just
a little of how she feels no, I really wish he had seen a lot of how she feels. My dad was just
like him NOTHING WAS EVER GOOD ENOUGH and we have no relationship at all today. In fact if you
were to go to my dad's facebook page you would see that he list one of his two children under the
place for children and that is my brother. He disowned me for moving away from Louisiana, and I
only found this out by accident when I went to his facebook page. He also disinherited me from
family will which I just found out this past week.

(Edited 1 minute later.)

Misty (OP) replied with this 6.2 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

I'm sorry to hear that Sherry...I kind of feel the same way with my dad, but he also sexually molested me when I was 8 & 9yrs old. But since then he has been given chance after chance to be a father again but I guess kind of "forgets" about me for long periods of time and doesn't seem interested. He hasn't disowned me, just abandoned, which is part of my emotional baggage of course...My man is actually a REALLY good dad to his daughter and my kids as well, more so his daughter and my youngest 6yr old boy. But it's those little times here and there when he doesn't think first before saying certain things to them and doesn't realize his choice of words or reactions can cause a lot of distress and self esteem issues in kids. Saying things like. "Why would you do that, that's dumb" "I'm sorry but if your going to act stupid then I will treat you like your stupid." and cutting them off when they are excitingly telling him about something then saying "I'm sorry, is there a point to this?" or, "And why would I care how that works (or why you did that, or what they did"...he just makes it clear to them that they are not important and unless HE initiates the conversation then they should just pretty much shut up. He's a really good family man, really interested in whats best for his family and has dreams and aspirations for us all, but it's just that one side of him that is scaring me away and making me realize those wonderful dreams and that wonderful side of him disappears when the other side comes out. People by nature remember bad things and traumas and have more of an emotional impact with traumas than they do the good things in life. It doesn't take a whole lot of bad to really bring someone down. When i was talking to him about the affects his reactions have on the kids he told me about his daughter "I tear her down to build her back up again, I know how to make her strong, she understands." (or he said it very similar to that). I told him tearing someone down to build them back up is absolutley NOT a healthy way to raise a child. That just developes low self esteem and not to mention, WHY? Do you do it just so you can have control? He is pretty controlling and doesnt realize the affects on that as well. I think he tears all of us down with those phrases and words he uses and by punishing us by witholding affection so he has control over us and over our emotions. Then when he's damn well ready, he starts the sweet kind, I'm so here for you and I love you again and "brings us back up" There again, he has the control. That's the larger picture here...That all is what has got my mind so wrapped around this whole scenario. I really appreciate you helping me talk through this. It seems liek every time I respond to you I'm able to realize a little more and get a grasp on the situation and little more, recognizing what I need to change on my end and what I need to expect him to change if he is willing.

Misty (OP) double-posted this 6.2 years ago, 9 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

Segway to what i first said in the last post...I have abandonment issues, I have worked through them for the most part and continue to work on them. they will alwasy be with me. I have made this clear what my specific needs are in a relationship without being overbearing with it. I absolutley DO NOT want to be overly needy. I'm pretty independant anyway, but I made it clear I need to know I'm not alone, I need to feel loved even if my a little kiss here and there or a look, SOMETHING once in a while to let me know I exhist and I'm still loved. When things get tough I do get a little more needy of love and affection, but again not overbearing. The last thing I need is my "pertner" walking away from me and withdrawing love and affection from me. I need that kiss and "I love you" at bed time to know everything is ok before I lay my head down to sleep. He takes all of this away from me when he's angry as if I don't deserve it anymore. He won't talk through any of it, just take this all away for a few days then when HE choses HE is ready to act liek nothing ever happened HE will finally start acting like I exhist again...I hate this game and thats the game we are playing now. I feel so unloved, so disrespected and the abndonment feelings are heightened like crazy. I have explained all of this to him but he turns it into "well what about me?" Why don't you come to me if that's what you want? (sooo, I should always chase his love down and hope he doesnt reject me several times or sigh when i try to kiss him or push me away as I'm trying to hug him which is how that usually turns out). or he says "I can't read you, how am I supposed to know what you want?" (This one baffles me, You should know what i want because I have been VERY clear with him what it is I need especially in this type of situation.) Either way, he NEVER aknowledges my needs or feelings on the matter, just like any other situation I bring up. It just about always turns into being all about him. Like he has no interest in my happiness or needs.

Sherry joined in and replied with this 6.2 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

Wow - sorry to hear your dad sexually abused you, my dad and my brother both sexully abused me.
However, my abuse began at a much younger age and my first abuser was a 17 year old male
cousin when I was only four years old or had just turned four.

My therapist tells me that this is why or part of the reason my dad has put such an emotional
distance between he and I. He knows what he did to me.

My best friend from childhood thinks that on some level my dad and my brother know what
each of them have done to me and it is,a sort of them against Sherry thing. However, my
mom knows as well there was a doctor's visit when I was 15 that made it clear something
was very wrong.

They have no idea that I have toyed with the idea of a book about my life. I have had
people tell me many times that there is a book to be written there and my brother-in-law
is a college English proff has offered to edit the book for me. He has read the some of
first few chapters. His wife just had her first book published last month and the first
order sold out on Amazon. He did not edit her book she had someone who use to edit her
dad's work do that for her.

Also my best friend (the one I just spoke of) has already had 3 books published and
and has offered to read over what I write one chapter at a time edit and sent them
back to me. She had had three books published her 4th will come out this December and
will be a book for children the setting will be the bayous of south Louisiana and it
will be in "Cajun lingo".

I have always said that I need to write about the things that happened in my life but
that I could never write under any name but my own, and that I would never write it as
fiction. The thing that held me back was the living family members that I would be
telling it all about, but now who really gives a dam. I feel they have lost all rights to
say anything about what I write or to scream and yell about it.

Misty (OP) replied with this 6.2 years ago, 2 hours later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

WOW!! I'm happy I met you...kind of met you ;)

I have some to say back to this but don't have the time at this moment...I will be back!!

Misty (OP) double-posted this 6.2 years ago, 15 hours later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

Ok, Sherri...

I was also sexually abused by my long time babysitter when I was in pre school through I think 1st grade. I didn't know until recently that I had told my mom at that time. I thought I didnt say anything until after my dad abused me and I came out with it. But apparently according to my mom I did say something at sometime when it was happening. This one still has certain affects on me. Like clocks, He collected all kinds of clocks. The kind that chime every hour and play the saddening music. They all make the ticking noise too. He abused me in his room every day at my nap time and had at least 10-15 clocks hanging in his room. Now to this day when i hear ticking or that specific granfather clock type of chyming I get really nervous and almost panicky. I have learned over the years to control it more and more though. There are so many things that you either smelled, or saw, or just felt during trauma like that and sometimes it stays with you forever. I now have a VERY hard time REALLY enjoying sex. I want it all the time, but I can't relax enough to actually "enjoy" it if you know what I mean...I almost never orgasm. That's one inner battle of mine I have not figured out how to win. I do kind of lose myself once in a while and have daddy issues but I pick myself back up again and move on. I learned to fave these issues as they come at me rather than ignore them and it helps a lot! That's why I'm very pushy about solving problems and not allowing them to be pushed under the rug just to avoid them. I lived that life and it's horrible! I was officially diagnosed with PTSD due to all the trauma and sexual abuse in my life. I had step fathers that beat my mom around me, cheated on her around me, called her horrible names. I have two older brothers who fell into drugs and alcohol at a very young age, both got violent and abusive. One of them turned skitzofranic and has been in and out of psyche wards wince then. I dealt with typical tramas that everyone has as well, loss! Grandparents dying at a young age...That I can deal with. Sucks it all happened in the middle of all the other crappy things going on...We also moved a lot. I had to have been in 20 different homes in my childhood. All with my mom and sometimes one brother. The other one was adopted by my grandparents...Around 6th grade I started to learn about the world of boys and how they treat girls. The mexican boys in my class started pinning my down on the playground groping me and following me home from school. I turned them in and I was the one who got in trouble for starting problems in the school that the school doesn't need to deal with so i learned to stay quiet and the boys continued in JR high as well...Pretty much i gre up learning sex was a joke. Women are only for sex and thats all men want from you. Girls are sexualized like crazy and it drives me absolutely nuts. I can't stand commercials with overly sexual content and movies where women are sexualized. I know it's because of my past but it sucks becuase My man was always the "oh she's hot, look at those tits" kind of guy and now he tries to keep it all in himself but of course I always wonder if I'm just a pain in his butt because he cant be himself with that. I'm also REALLY nervous about strip clubs and thats one thing his closest friend likes to do a LOT. i already talked to him and let him know its not me being "that girl" the jealous one that doesn't like he man around naked women and thinks he will cheat. I dont fear that at all...i just feel disgusted by it. WHY? Why watch them, why give them your money and attention? He says because its a liberal type of thing. He doesn't sit there and think he wants them he just likes how liberal the setting is. I said ok, then when the men are "liberal" with their clothes off as well and all the women are doing is walking around normal, not making sexual inuendos or playing with themselves in front of you then I will be ok with it. He promised me he will steer clear of those clubs until I can figure out how to get my comfort level up...But I do still fear he will go hang out with his friend and they will end up going anyway and he wont tell me...Anyway, so yes the childhoos makes a huge difference on how people handle things and percieve things as an adult. My mom taught me to never go after the type of men she did so I found myself a shy guy and wwas with him 3yrs when we had my first son, then 7 1/2yrs when we got married and had our second son. at exactly 12yrs we split up because he had over the years fallen in and out of love with me several times. It was an emotional roller coaster of him learning how to love. Eventually he left me for a younger girl of only 21, he was 28...Sometimes I blame my sexual issues, I never wanted sex with him because thats all he wanted and all he was willing to ever give me. He sees his boys every other weekend and is now on his second girlfriend after me. I had been friends with my man for about 3yrs and actually hated him at work, we started dating a few months after my ex and I splt. We took it REALLY slow did play dates with the kids. Got their ok for us to start dating. moved in together a year later. He gave me everything I had been missing, cuddles, love, understanding and communication. he talked to me which was a huge shocker and the first time I had been held without sex for 12yrs. Then the first bad argument happened and he through a huge child like temper tantrum, scared the shit out of me...and every few months since then he has had at least one big blow out like that with tiny ones in between...And thats where I am now with it...I have more strength and courage this time than ever before thanks to finding this site, chatting with you, chatting with my mom and gettign all the advice I can. I'm taking power back just liek I decided to do with my own issues and I'm taking control over my life, not allowing him to use these tantrums and silent treatment games to over power me or my son. By the way he's 36 and I'm 31. He has been divorced from his daughters mom for 7yrs I think. Had 1 serious relationship before me since then and that ended in 2008.

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