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Topic: How to love?

Gina started this discussion 5.3 years ago #2,490

I know I love my boyfriend.
I can feel it. But I don't know how to love him correctly, because i've never been in love.
I know some stuff i need to do...
Like noticing the small things, and appreciating the good times more.
I want to give him the love he deserves, and maybe that'll make it easier for him to love me.
I know he loves me, but the image i have in my head, of what love is, is kinda twisted, since all i've had to go on was love stories, not real life experience. I expect too much, but at the same time i can be realistic, but my expectations of what i falsely beleive(d) was love is ruining my relationship with the greatest guy i've ever met...
It's hard for me to explain everything.
But know this, i feel SOOO FUCKING strongly for my boyfriend, in reality he is the most amazing guy and i adore him. we're both messed up but I feel we're in this together and i want us to work...
I want to be with him,
I need to be with him.
I'm just so confused cause it's so new to me.
Any tips?
What do you feel love is?
What does love take?
How can i do my part to make our love better?
Stuff like that?

(Edited 1 minute later.)

Molly joined in and replied with this 5.3 years ago, 1 day later[^] [v] #0

Love comes from the heart,not the head. The heart has no concepts like expectations,needs.. Love has no reference points to look back on to see what is owed to the heart. Love is innocent.

When someone has no way of innocently loving themselves with no judgements/expectations,it's really hard to give that to someone else BECAUSE we all project our feelings onto others.

So it's kind of like this. All your wants and needs you are wanting from your boyfriend..picture you having your pointer finger towards him telling him what you need from him.Then picture yourself turning your finger towards your heart. Everything you need has to come from you. It's like a domino effect. It starts with you,and spreads outwardly. It's the only way to surround yourself with acceptance/love.

shh joined in and replied with this 5.3 years ago, 2 hours later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

Gina

I think many people make excuses for poor relationships that they can't let go of, because they are co-dependent, but believe that, that is love.
I'm not saying that, that is the case for you and your bf, but it may be something worth getting into a bit and understanding more about, even if it is only to address demands and expectations that you put upon each other, that are linked to past relationships, rather than each other.

I know it's an old cliche, but the best way to improve your relationship, is for you both to learn to love yourselves a bit more - you really cannot truly love another until you love yourself.

I believe that true love is deeply based upon respect, where you have little desire to take anything from the other person, but you give what it feels right for you to give to them in terms of care, support, love and friendship, and appreciate what they have to offer you in return.

(Edited 1 minute later.)

Molly replied with this 5.3 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

Great shh!!! Im going to keep going with this thread because I have love on my mind.

Here is my visual of you: You are looking for acceptance,security..someone to hold you,and never let you go.There is someone right behind you.You've sensed this presence at times..almost like a shadow attached to you,because every time you turn around,she is out of sight. So you ignore her. She is waiting patiently. She sees you and it hurts real bad,because she wants to be held and told "it's ok". But you ignore her.You push her to the side,to look at other people to hold/love.She has had a whole life of waiting.Its excruciating for her at times.You tell her she's not good enough. You beat her down as much as you can. That 'shadow' hurt girl who has never left you ever.. Close your eyes. Notice her today. She's been waiting her whole life for you to notice her. Hug her as tight as every child deserves. Don't let her go until she is done sobbing from relief. When you open your eyes,you'll see your arms are wrapped tightly around yourself.Finally! She says. Don't let that girl be alone too much longer.She is as innocent as a newborn baby. She doesnt deserve to be tortured. (((you)))

(Edited 9 minutes later.)

Cassandra joined in and replied with this 5.3 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

Hi Molly...when I read your posts I have this thing in the back of my mind...I remember a while ago I read something you wrote about maybe having plastic surgery...thinking about doing it, or maybe you did-can't remember.
And when I read what you write about self-love and acceptance, which is always beautiful and I save your posts, I feel confused that you would have plastic surgery. You seem like the opposite of that...y'know, plastic surgery seems like self-rejection, especially since its traumatic to the body and souls and can result in death, like any surgery.

Molly replied with this 5.3 years ago, 19 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Yes. I have talked about P surgery. I've had it and struggle with body image issues.
When I write this stuff,in this case to Gina,its also a reminder for me as well. I often,just by years of doing so,turn my back on me.
I fade in and out of discust with myself. I'm capable of being kind to me,but I do not always remember too.
Knowing why/how to love/accept our selves is one thing. It takes remembrance,and patience to actually get our heads out of the sand and do it.
Even when I self loath,in my case,my body image,I'm still the observer of the self loather. The self loather is just a condition,and I'm not attached to it.

I'm in carpool,so might be rambley and self repeating maybe.

I miss you Cass!

Cassandra replied with this 5.3 years ago, 13 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

No, that made a lot of sense.
I think I was confusimg what you write with a belief that 'you're there', y'know, you've got it down.
But like me (and therapists too) you're writing (saying) what you need to hear.

Observing the self-loather is pretty cool, I liked to do that.

I was watching a group of people standing on stage, men and women of various ages, and they had just done a performance they were nervous about and were getting feedback from the director. They looked vulnerable. I was looking at all their faces and I felt-each one of you should feel good about yourself, self-accepting. Nothing about those particular people, it was people in general. It was a gut feeling. You should all accept yourselves, it just seemed natural, the way humans should be.
Even animals. If animals live in natural conditions, they don't physically hurt themselves. They're not self-destructive.
It's traumatic conditions that turn people against themselves, we're not designed that way.

I miss you too.

(Edited 22 seconds later.)

Molly replied with this 5.3 years ago, 25 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

To accept yourself. Just as you are. Not needing to be different in anyway. This means accepting even during self loathing moments. ALL moments. :) This IS holding the shadow girl and loving her just as she is in every single moment of her fucked up conditioned beliefs.Accepting all moments is unconditionally accepting her.

Molly double-posted this 5.3 years ago, 2 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

The shadow girl is who we really are. The girl who functions with her beliefs is the ego. The shadow girl is a metaphor for the innocent you that was there the moment you were created. Everything else is in the mind and is mental madness.

(Edited 45 seconds later.)

Gina (OP) replied with this 5.3 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

Thanks molly. I want to love myself, but i dont think it'll ever be possible...does that mean im destined to be alone and miserable forever?

Gina (OP) double-posted this 5.3 years ago, 17 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

Double post

(Edited 21 seconds later.)

Gina (OP) triple-posted this 5.3 years ago, 3 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Thanks shh.
I'm working on myself...idk if anything i could ever do could make me like myself, but i'm trying. Idk...
I just want to give him what he deserves...

Maybe i'm not made for this...

(Edited 13 seconds later.)

Molly joined in and replied with this 5.3 years ago, 3 hours later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

No. I think you'll eventually get there. Loving may not be the best word for everyone. Love sounds pretty,fluffy,warm...the stuff dreams are made of. Maybe that's why the word love is so loaded.

I've noticed in loving myself...There is no music,and naked cupid babies so to speak. I still feel pain. I just accept it now.Accepting it doesn't make it go away.It stops the ADDED pain that occurs when wanting things to be differen...wanting fluffy,lala land,unicorns,and rainbows. When accepting the pain,it becomes pain with out fear. Then it makes you feel strong.Like you can handle anything.

Gina (OP) replied with this 5.3 years ago, 6 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

Idk molly :/ i just...dont know

Molly replied with this 5.3 years ago, 24 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

I know :( It's OK. Just breath. ((((Gina))))

Gina (OP) replied with this 5.3 years ago, 4 hours later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

I need to be with him. :c
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