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Topic: Tonya?

Barbara started this discussion 5.3 years ago #2,487

Tonya, i had a relationship with my then-therapist many years ago. He turned out to be a perfectly ordinary man - I think it was Sifter who pointed out that probability. But listening to you... I felt like it was telling a train to stop. There's no way you wouldn't see him socially if he opened that door. I know... Anyway, I'm thinking about you and wondering what happened?

Sherry joined in and replied with this 5.3 years ago, 5 minutes later[^] [v] #0

@OP

> Tonya, i had a relationship with my then-therapist many years ago. He turned out to be a perfectly ordinary man - I think it was Sifter who pointed out that probability. But listening to you... I felt like it was telling a train to stop. There's no way you wouldn't see him socially if he opened that door. I know... Anyway, I'm thinking about you and wondering what happened?

I have told Tonya that I have known my therapist long enough (still seeing him) to know him well and to know he is a man just like any other man,well not "just like any other man". However, he is a man who is not without his faults, he is a "human" not a god. Still he is the best man I have ever known.

Barbara (OP) replied with this 5.3 years ago, 4 minutes later, 10 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

He wasn't even that good in bed!

Sherry joined in and replied with this 5.3 years ago, 2 minutes later, 12 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> He wasn't even that good in bed!

Too bad. I would not know if mine is or is not however my money would be that he is.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

(Edited 3 minutes later.)

Barbara (OP) replied with this 5.3 years ago, 4 minutes later, 17 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

The common wisdom now is that he would be viewed as more at fault than I - I was pretty young - but I do not really believe that. Sex was my MO for men in charge. I did not do it to hurt them (never told anyone) but to equalize them, as Dr Robert mentioned in one of his scenarios. The sad thing is that he could perhaps have helped me instead of falling in to the temptation of the moment. Now, many years later, I am in therapy working on my relationship issues... I do wish he could have intervened then, though I suspect he just wasn't skilled enough.

Barbara (OP) double-posted this 5.3 years ago, 3 minutes later, 21 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

Do you WANT to know? I don't want to seduce my current therapist, though he says that will come (no pun intended). But this one can work through it with me which will help me a LOT more than fucking me!

Sherry joined in and replied with this 5.3 years ago, 10 minutes later, 31 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Yes I know the "common wisdom" is that the therapist is always viewed as being at "fault".
I've said in one of my other post that I agree this is true if the female is a young girl,
or teen if she is much younger say in her early 20's. If the therapist,is much older and
too if he has been a therapist for a long time and it matters more to me (not someone new
and just starting out).

This happened with me and a pastor when I was 22 he was 45 he was a trained therapist, I had
sought counseling and ended up in a three year affair. Yes I knew he was married and yet I was
caught up in this thing with him that he ended up walking away from scott free.


In my case now, I am about seven years older than my therapist he is the younger one. :)

Sherry double-posted this 5.3 years ago, 1 minute later, 32 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> Do you WANT to know? I don't want to seduce my current therapist, though he says that will come (no pun intended). But this one can work through it with me which will help me a LOT more than fucking me!


When he says this will come, what kind of voice does he say this in? What kind of look does he have on his face.
When he says you can "work through it" what is his tone and when he say it will help a lot more than fucking you
just how big of a smile does he have on his face.

(Edited 3 minutes later.)

Barbara (OP) replied with this 5.3 years ago, 12 minutes later, 44 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

Lol, those were MY words. He doesn't tease or play around with the idea. He is really clear on boundaries. I've only been seeing him for two months, but I do trust him.

Barbara (OP) double-posted this 5.3 years ago, 2 minutes later, 47 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

I see that I said "he says." But his words were more like "it will happen." I'm sooo protective of him! I WANT him to be strong.

Sherry joined in and replied with this 5.3 years ago, 3 minutes later, 50 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> I see that I said "he says." But his words were more like "it will happen." I'm sooo protective of him! I WANT him to be strong.

How "new are you to this fourn" or are you someone old to the fourm posting under a new name?

Sherry joined in and replied with this 5.3 years ago, 6 minutes later, 57 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #0

Sssssshhhhheeeeeeessssssssssss not answering..................... lol OOOoooppss

Barbara (OP) replied with this 5.3 years ago, 5 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^] [v] #0

No, I'm here. Brand new. Lurked for awhile though!

Sherry joined in and replied with this 5.3 years ago, 10 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^] [v] #0

You "LURKED !!!" OMG !! kidding, fine by me but boy does this twist some of the correction,"one youngish gal" who has been on here since the dino's roamed the earth she freaks out about people lurking as if it is a crime.


This person is not - WC or Gina or Tonya however.
I have no problem with anyone lurking, eveyone knows people do it all the time
before they decide if they want to write anything on the fourm.

Barbara (OP) replied with this 5.3 years ago, 10 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^] [v] #0

Yeah. I've been a lurker because my therapist thinks blogging and forum-ing dilutes therapy. He says better to bring it all into session.

Sherry joined in and replied with this 5.3 years ago, 13 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^] [v] #0

Yeah I took my laptop to one of my sessions and let my therapist have a read of the fourm on "Erotic
Countertransference" and one other thread that was "removed" because, I got into a huge fight with a
(about 4 -5) of the regular women, who were on here "all the time at that time". It was on the "Ask
Board" and it got so nasty that it "suddenly just disappeared".

If you look back at some of the old threads with my name or the name LoveTherapy the ones that still
show up you will see that most of the women on here "hotly disagree" with my relationship with my
therapist. We have had some heated threads on this fourm. I of course stand up for myself and for my
relationship with my therapist whom I've been with for 7 years now. (EDIT). The rest seem to be willing to give
a person a second and third chance just as they would want.

*EDIT*

(Edited 1 hour later by a moderator.)

Barbara (OP) replied with this 5.3 years ago, 11 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^] [v] #0

Not the content - there's some really insightful stuff on this forum (and Jake makes me laugh) - but the process. If i talk to you, I suppose I'm less likely to talk to him. But he doesn't know what happened to Tonya... If I had to guess, it's that she has started a relationship with her T but doesn't want to come online to be chastised. Not that I disagree with those who say don't do it, find a good therapist. I totally agree with that. It's just that she was too deep into it to accept the advice. I'm really relating to her on that.

Mekay joined in and replied with this 5.3 years ago, 12 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I have been thinking about that lately.
I think he has a point!
I say waaay more in here than I do in session!

Sherry joined in and replied with this 5.3 years ago, 6 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Tonya and I talked in private email when she came to this fourm we had things in common
then I was not on here for a time.
I lost her email and she lost mine, I had a laptop that died on me and I was back to just
the desktop which I share with my husband.

When I came back to the fourm and saw she was back we just could not seem to be on at the
same time. Tonya wanted to know if I had IM I do not she really has wanted to talk however
I have not wanted to post (even my second email address) on this site unless I knew she
was on at the same time, so I could put it up for a second or two and then remove it.

Since you have been lurking you can see why, I would not want some of those on here to not
have any email address of mine.

This is what I do know from what I have read she admitted her attraction to him and he had
admitted he felt the same for her, and it was decided that she should seek a new therapist
but that they would keep in touch with each other.

Tonya had known him before when she was in high school or college
I cannot recall which as "I think school counselor" and
had always thought he was attractive.


She had her last session with him and is missing him very much of course everyone else on
her keeps telling her yes do not see him ever again, and cut off all contact with him. I
understand what she is feeling and that is what I know at this point.

Barbara (OP) replied with this 5.3 years ago, 10 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Thanks for that... I hope she is still reading. Her T did say he would refer her. I hope she finds one she can be honest to - tell him or her what's going on with the other guy while it's going on. And hope he will hear her out and focus on why the relationship is so important to her. Who knows... Maybe they really were made for each other. But ... Look how often we fall in "love" with our therapists.

Mekay replied with this 5.3 years ago, 3 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Sherry I'm attempting to ignore you right now.
Please stop.

Barbara (OP) replied with this 5.3 years ago, 15 seconds later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

As someone with a life long history of needing to equalize men, I think I really really want for her to have chanced onto a great relationship. It is so much harder to be intimate in the real world, you know? If fantasy rel doesn't work, it's all uphill after that.

Sherry joined in and replied with this 5.3 years ago, 15 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Yeah and I know that it is always written off as "transference",
which to me it just a word made up out of need for what happens
in therapy. "Some of the time". Granted transference is what happens
most or not real feelings of love on either side. As time goes by
with a few months it goes away, given a year or so it is gone. Also the
other excuse used is,that "the therapist knows all about you"
and since "you know little to nothing about him or his life" how can you
really love him", it has to be "transeference". You cannot love someone
you do not really know at all. Well that is all good and fine, unless you
do know each other equally well.

I know that it is said that a therapist revels little to nothing about
himself, maybe 98% of them do not. However, this has not been the case
with every therapist with every client 100% of the time everywhere. I
know as much about mine as he does about me.

(Edited 1 minute later.)

Sherry double-posted this 5.3 years ago, 14 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> As someone with a life long history of needing to equalize men, I think I really really want for her to have chanced onto a great relationship. It is so much harder to be intimate in the real world, you know? If fantasy rel doesn't work, it's all uphill after that.

I'm not sure what you mean by equalize men. I had a over controling dad, and the pastor was a control freak, and
I have a strong need to be the one in control even with my therapist.

If you are talking about Tonya I think she is not sure if she wants to have him or not. Yes it is harder in the real world. I have pointed out to her she does not know him all that well, and that she may not like him if she
did know him well. But then again she may love him . .

(Edited 1 minute later.)

Barbara (OP) replied with this 5.3 years ago, 14 minutes later, 3 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Yes, control. Bring them down to my level. There's more to it (being with unavailable men to avoid intimacy, other stuff) but control was a biggie. I see it therapy, too. Wanting to control it. But T knows.

Sifter joined in and replied with this 5.3 years ago, 8 minutes later, 3 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Sherry, I have edited a couple of your posts to take out material that I think can easily be taken as insulting to other members. The rules here, as you know, are that you do not insult or disrespect others. I will do my best to ensure that the rules are fairly applied. I have been enjoying your contributions lately and like the way you moved on from the conflict. I think it would be wiser if you keep moving on to talk about the topics at hand, instead of rehashing old wounds.

Sherry joined in and replied with this 5.3 years ago, 2 hours later, 5 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> Sherry I'm attempting to ignore you right now.
> Please stop.

Here's one to which the rules have not been (has not been fairly applied)if so it would have
been removed as well. "It is rude" she was disruptive,by just dropping in on a conversation
which was just between myself and Barbara (something she has bitched me out for in the past
for many many times before). Yet she just jumps right in and tries to do and it is ok. No I
am not mad I think I am making an amazingly good point about just how (some people can see
things as ok if they do it but not ok at all if when I did so in the past. Also she would
have had a fit and accused me of lurking and all manner told me to stay out of the "thread"
that was between she and whom ever. . .

That remark "Sherry I'm attempting to ignore you right now" was rude, and it should not be
left on the thread. It was childish and it one of the things that has always caused problems
between us, she was baiting me with the remark.

(Edited 16 minutes later.)

Sifter replied with this 5.3 years ago, 1 hour later, 6 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Sherry, it's not rude or disruptive to join a thread. I don't care what anyone has said in the past, and if anyone said otherwise, they were wrong. It's an open forum, and if people want to talk privately they need to find a way to talk off-forum.

As for rudeness: you began dragging up old arguments in this new thread, and you provoked a response, and you have the opportunity now to just let it go and move on. Clear the slate and give others another chance, just as others are now giving you another chance.

IF you keep trying to redress things from the past that you felt were unfair, you are going to keep on having the same argument. So just forget all that and move on, as though you have no negative history with anyone. OK?

Tonya joined in and replied with this 5.3 years ago, 1 day later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Hey :) I can agree with the idea of equalizing..I think that is part of it for me.. its also the power thing and it makes me feel good to know I won't be turned down even if the guy is married...like makes me feel irresistable and therefore powerful, (although I know thats not really true that its not just me it could be any other girl who made a move on them and just means they are weak), it also unfortunetly confirms my belief that I learned as a kid that marriage wont work out and that a man is usually only as faithful as his options which oddly enough comforts me and disturbs me at the same time.

Tonya double-posted this 5.3 years ago, 59 seconds later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

...............

(Edited 1 hour later.)

Tonya triple-posted this 5.3 years ago, 1 minute later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

///////////////

(Edited 1 hour later.)

Barbara (OP) replied with this 5.3 years ago, 7 hours later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

Tonya, it's good to hear from you. I didn't see the two items you edited out overnight (went to bed early - yay) but you sound like you're in a more thoughtful place than you were in the original threads. I totally understand what you are saying! I did not realize how much disdain I felt for the men I seduced until I started working with a good therapist. Not just disdain but rage! Whoa. Its buried sooo deep; I had no idea. But it is surely coming to the surface in therapy. I am not in a relationship now; was craving one, but T says wait... I don't know how I will be able to work with him without sleeping with him, but that's the task. He's not going to let it happen which, of course, makes me mad as hell.

t joined in and replied with this 5.3 years ago, 16 hours later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

I would like to say more specifics on what happened but I get weird because there is someone who may be reading this, (not my t).........I am going through a mess of emotions.. he is going back and forth now and really confusing me...I hate it

Sherry joined in and replied with this 5.3 years ago, 3 days later, 6 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> I would like to say more specifics on what happened but I get weird because there is someone who may be reading this, (not my t).........I am going through a mess of emotions.. he is going back and forth now and really confusing me...I hate it

Sorry I've been gone- I think maybe things are ok with my daughter and grandson they are both still in the
hospital. I left my therapist a message about 9 or 10 pm the night I knew for sure she was in labor he has
met both my daughter and son, he and my daughter really like each other. He called me at 7am at the hospital
right after my grandson was born to check on me, the baby, and my daughter, then I saw he about mid day before
going back to the hosptal. Since the 26th at 4:00pm I have been home very little. I hope things have slowed
down some now. I also hope you are okay.

t joined in and replied with this 5.3 years ago, 8 hours later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

thank u... I hope that they recover well :)

t double-posted this 5.3 years ago, 15 seconds later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

I am...ummm...I dunno what I am right now

Sherry joined in and replied with this 5.3 years ago, 21 hours later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> I am...ummm...I dunno what I am right now

Yeah I've been there a lot hell I stay there a lot not know what I am . . .
:
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