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Topic: Dr. Robert: When is it time to end therapy?

WonderfulClient started this discussion 4.9 years ago #2,445

Dr. Robert, can you shed any light on when it's time to end therapy?

The way I look at it right now, going to therapy is causing me immense pain (due to my feelings for my therapist) and I'm not getting anywhere with it (I don't know what to talk about any more now that all I focus on is him)
At the same time, I don't think it's a good idea to end therapy (I still have so much pain I need to work through and I know I will get severely depressed as the school year progresses and I think it's a bad idea to end therapy and not have his support when I do get really depressed)

Do you have any suggestions?

I have talked to my therapist about it, but he's stuck as well. He keeps saying we have to talk about it, and I don't know what else there is to talk about. Seeing him causes me pain, but I think I will get worse without seeing him.

I should clarify that he has helped me with many issues in the past. He's proven to be a very good therapist. We're just stuck right now. He usually waits to talk about what's on my mind and for the past 10 sessions or so, he's always what's on my mind, and we always end up talking about him (at which point he always tries to redirect it to be about me but I keep focusing on him).

I have crossed many, many lines with him (e.g. contacting his wife) and I know any other therapist would have stopped therapy but he is very dedicated to trying to help me. I think it's healthy for me to have someone in my life that won't reject me, but again, I don't see the point in paying him $150 every time I see him if all I can talk about is him.

I have seen many therapists throughout my life and none have helped me before him. I have tried many times and him being the only one that's given me a bit of help, I am really reluctant to let go of that. I know I will be reluctant to find another therapist if we end therapy (I will probably not look for one) and I feel I may never work on the issues I need to work on if I end therapy with him.

But we're stuck. We're not getting anywhere. Do you have any suggestions?

(Edited 1 minute later.)

dr-robert joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 12 hours later[^] [v] #0

Hi, WC--

At a distance, I can only guess, but from what I am hearing here, I would say that you should keep working on your feelings towards therapy ("probably would not look for another therapist"), and this person in particular. Probably he is correct in saying that you need to talk about it--but, as I say, at a distance I cannot know that for certain.

Being stuck, as you put it, may feel uncomfortable, but you won't be stuck forever. It is up to you to try to be even more honest and forthcoming than you already have been in therapy, and to do everything you can to get things moving again.

(Edited 4 hours later.)

shh joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 2 hours later, 15 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Awww WC, I had a period of being "stuck" with my therapist, who said she was also stuck too and had run out of ideas to try with me... in fact we had one particular session where we literally sat and looked at each other and said or did very little, as we didn't know what to do... but things will change, when u r ready for them too

WonderfulClient joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 10 hours later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

Thank you both for taking the time to write to me...

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
> Being stuck, as you put it, may feel uncomfortable, but you won't be stuck forever. It is up to you to try to be even more honest and forthcoming than you already have been in therapy, and to do everything you can to get things moving again.
This is very reassuring to hear.
I think what I was looking for was an answer as to if it's possible to get unstuck after being stuck for a long time, and it's nice to hear you say we won't be stuck forever.
Edit: Obviously, I do recognize a lot of work needs to be made to get there, and I'm going to try to do that work.

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
> Awww WC, I had a period of being "stuck" with my therapist, who said she was also stuck too and had run out of ideas to try with me... in fact we had one particular session where we literally sat and looked at each other and said or did very little, as we didn't know what to do... but things will change, when u r ready for them too
Thanks, Shh.
The weird thing was how uncertain he seemed about everything last night. He usually sounds confident that he can help me and confident about what's the right thing for us to do, and he was very candid in saying, pretty much, that he had no idea what would be best for us. I think that was a little scary to hear because I naively tell myself that he knows how to do his job and as long as I keep showing up when I have sessions he will take care of making everything work - doesn't quite work that way!
He said numerous times he thinks any other therapist would have ended therapy with me by now and that I must know any therapist would end therapy for doing the things I did. I asked him if he would end it, then, and he said no, that we had to talk about what we both think will work best for us - that he hopes we can move on from this.
Problem is that when you're spending $150/session, you can only spend so many sessions sitting and looking at each other saying very little (which we've done many times now) until you realize you're wasting your money.

(Edited 3 minutes later.)

WonderfulClient double-posted this 4.9 years ago, 9 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Dr. Robert,

How would you feel if a client asked you to change the approach you've been taking with them?

After giving this a lot of thought, I recognize that my therapy will not be helpful if I continue focusing on my therapist throughout our sessions, and I want to find a way for my therapy to be helpful.

His approach throughout the 10 months I've been seeing him is to wait for me to talk about whatever I want to talk about - if I'm not talking, then he asks me what's on my mind, and we talk about that.
He's never asked me questions (how's school? how's work? how's family? hows your relationship? etc.) and instead focuses on whatever thoughts I'm having at the time.

I think this is a road block for us right now because when I'm sitting across from him, I simply don't have anything else on my mind. No matter what is going on in my life, as soon as I am in there, I am focused on him, and the other things don't seem to matter. I tell myself I will talk about other things, but once I'm there, I can't seem to force myself to talk about those things since they don't seem to matter.

I feel that, for now, as long as we continue with this approach of "what's on your mind", it's going to continue being about him, which we know isn't leading to any useful therapy.

I think I may ask him to change his approach by asking him to try to lead more discussions - asking me questions, whatever it is he has to do to start talking about something other than him. I hope that, by having him start talking about something else, I will participate in that discussion, and hopefully if he keeps doing this, I will get used to talking about whatever is going on in my life instead of him.

Does this make sense? Is it wrong to ask him to change his approach in such a manner?

(Edited 1 minute later.)

shh replied with this 4.9 years ago, 6 hours later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

WC... maybe this is a silly thing to say, but have you ever sat down and thought, okay, so what if I really could have him, if his wife and family weren't an issue/didn't exist, and he wanted to be with me as much as I want to be with him, what would it look like? what would you do together? What do you see yourself doing for him, and what would he be doing for you? (and yes there's probably a sexual side, but the non-sexual stuff too - do you cook his meals and iron his shirts, does he buy you flowers, do you go for long walks, sit curled up watching tv together...I dunnno...but you do ...what would this perfect relationship with him look like?
If you can work all that out, then you can pick it apart and look at the significance of all the elements and what they mean to you... he can help you to pick it apart and look at what's beneath it all, and maybe then you will feel like you are getting somewhere again, rather than being stuck?

WonderfulClient joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

It's hard to say exactly what I want from him. There's a mix of a lot of sexual and a lot of romance and a lot of caring and a lot of friendship and all sorts of other things. If it were feasible to have a relationship with him I don't even know if I would want it (probably would though)

> WC... maybe this is a silly thing to say, but have you ever sat down and thought, okay, so what if I really could have him, if his wife and family weren't an issue/didn't exist, and he wanted to be with me as much as I want to be with him, what would it look like?
For the most part, I just see really good sex. I'd want him as a fuck buddy more than anything. Knowing that it would be so good, considering how much I want him, makes me want him more, which I know will make it ever better, which makes me want him more, and it keeps going.
But the kind of fuck buddy that'll hold you every once in a while when you're craving that holding.
Mainly satisfying my sexual desires... once in a while emotional desires... but for the most part, a no-strings attached kind of thing.
I think I'd be happier if I were with a guy that just wanted to fuck every once in a while rather than be in a relationship.
Problem is every time I've had a no-strings attached kind of thing with a guy they've fallen in love with me (seriously). That's kind of how all my relationships have started! So maybe not such a good idea.

> what would you do together? What do you see yourself doing for him, and what would he be doing for you? (and yes there's probably a sexual side, but the non-sexual stuff too - do you cook his meals and iron his shirts, does he buy you flowers, do you go for long walks, sit curled up watching tv together...I dunnno...but you do ...what would this perfect relationship with him look like?
All of that sounds very much like what I imagine. A lot of me doing tings for him, not him necessarily buying me flowers or anything, but a lot of hanging out together, spending time at home together. I don't like going out, and I know that he also prefers to just chill at home. He doesn't really have many hobbies, he works hard, and spends a lot of time with his family. I like that.

All this is probably different from what I would have said 6 months ago.
Before it was almost entirely sexual. I had a feeling he was a good guy, but I assumed that was probably just the impression I got in that room and outside he's probably like any other guy.
I had fantasies of having that "perfect" relationship with him, but not in a rational way, and I don't want a perfect relationship any way, so I would never actually want that.

But then I found out so much about him through his wife, and there's the unfortunate feeling that he's pretty much the "perfect guy".
She's always talking about how amazing he is - how supportive he is - how they never ever fight (which I think is more an issue with her than it is with him - she's scared of fighting) - how they haven't had sex in 6 months (because of how rough her delivery was) and he's still so supportive and patient - how amazing he is with their daughter - I have NEVER heard her complain about him (and she's bitched and moaned about everyone in her life, but never him)
Learning more about him, the little things, the cute little presents he buys her, yes the fact that he will still deliver flowers to his house for her during the day...
I assumed these things about him, based on how nice he was in therapy, but I didn't think he was really like that - and then I find out through his wife that he's actually a lot better than I expected. Not perfect, obviously, but the kind of guy that makes an amazing husband.
So then there's also a mix of wanting a more serious relationship with him. Not rationally, really, but I think there's a desire for that. Everything you listed up there I want. I want to do everything for him, to please him, because he's the kind of guy that deserves being pleased (again, this is not based on how I feel about him in therapy, but rather what his wife says about him)
And it would be amazing to be with a guy who understands pain. I think that makes a lot of our relationships hard. It would be nice to feel understood, even fi you don't get along, that he would get that I'm in pain...
There's a lot I want in there...

Now that I think about it, I think I wrote about this in "seducing your therapist", where I talked about how I wanted him to love me, and I wanted that perfect relationship with him, but I know I'm not going to get his love, so now I'm just trying to settle for sex, seeing it as the next best thing I can get from him.

> If you can work all that out, then you can pick it apart and look at the significance of all the elements and what they mean to you... he can help you to pick it apart and look at what's beneath it all, and maybe then you will feel like you are getting somewhere again, rather than being stuck?

shh replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

WC... is there any way you can go over that again, and in each instance describe how you imagine it would feel to have that particular element of the relationship - not necessarily on here if it's not comfortable to go there in public...

..you know it's things like I used to have a thing about wanting to be hugged by my therapist - and how it would feel would be, well, I wanted to be completely enshrouded by that person, to feel warm, especially over my back and my spine. because there's something about that area that would make me feel safe, and if I closed my eyes there would be like a radiant yellow orange kind of glow to it, and I would feel so content in it that i would probably just want to fall asleep in her arms...

...but that picked apart is my unmet infant needs, of the mother holding the baby or young child and being able to impart that feeling of safety and security and how everything is okay, and the baby can relax and drift off to sleep.

And over time, in therapy, through the denial of the hug by my therapist and forcing me to feel the power of those unmet needs, and at the same time building me up and showing me different aspects of love, I have actually learned to close my eyes and picture that orangey yellow glow and warmth, and feel warm and safe, like my back is enshrouded... and use that to feel warm, safe and loved..either when I feel vulnerable, or unloveable, or if I feel tense and I can't relax enough to sleep...

...and at the same time, through learning all that (and it took months and months of therapy for that to come, and for me to be able to do that)...it also helped to dissipate a lot of my feelings for my therapist both sexual & non-sexual, until what is predominantly left is feeling love for her in a very respectful way, and in a way that is appreciative of the mutual respect we have for each other, but doesn't want anything from her.

I know I've waffled on, but if you can try to get a bit deeper into the feelings behind the wants that you would want from that relationship, there will be answers and things you can use to work with

WonderfulClient joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 4 hours later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Thanks, Shh. This was really interesting to read.

> WC... is there any way you can go over that again, and in each instance describe how you imagine it would feel to have that particular element of the relationship - not necessarily on here if it's not comfortable to go there in public...
I'm going to do this (in my head - don't want to bore people even more), but I feel like most of it comes down to feeling worthy.
Doing things for him, making him happy, would make me feel worthy.
Him caring about me, buying me flowers or going on walks with me, would make me feel worthy.
Him having sex with me would make me feel worthy.

There's a lot more than that, I have to think about all the things I want from him and to think of what they would give me, but I think a lot of it comes down to worth.
That he knows all the bad things about me, and for him to want to be with me knowing these things, that would make me feel worthy.
Other people wanting to be with me doesn't make me feel as worthy because they don't know all those things.

And the hug thing makes total sense to me.
I feel the same way when I think of hugging Scott.
I realize more and more lately how much of an impact my dad not loving me is having on me.
My mom tells me constantly that she loves me, but I think I am desperately needing to hear that from a man, probably because I don't have a dad to say it to me. My fiancee doesn't say it to me, and Scott is the only other man that means a lot to me. If he loved me, I would feel worthy.

And there are times, when school's tough, things like that, I feel like a normal person my age would be able to go to her dad and cry and have a hug and him try to help... I feel like I'm looking for so much in Scott that I would expect a normal person of my age to get from her dad.

(Edited 6 seconds later.)

dr-robert replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Hi, again. Yes, of course it makes sense. Why not ask? He can say yes or no. Your therapist is just another human being like you. He is trained to do a certain kind of work, and if he good at it he deserves respect, but try not to put the guy on a pedestal. None of us belongs there.

I have been through this sexual desire thing many times over the years. Most likely it does not mean what you imagine it means. In my experience, when a client thought she had the hots for me it was most likely due to one of three factors--other than, of course, that I am one of the ten sexiest men on the planet, possibly in the top three :-)

1. The client was trying to balance out the perceived power differential by sexualizing the relationship--dragging me down, that is, to a level where she might be able to gain the upper hand. Pussy power, the tender trap, and all that stuff.

2. The client had never been seen, heard, and understood before by a man who was happy to sit with her and listen, and that intimacy turned her on emotionally. Easy to understand, no?

3. The client's relationship with an early caregiver had sexual aspects which the client had not so far been able to resolve, and this was an opportunity for role-playing as an attempt to work all of that out.

Often these motives are completely unknown to the client, and they need to be made conscious and understood, not acted upon and gratified. This is why we therapists do not have sex with our clients. By the way, this has zero to do with whether we are married or not. Even if we are otherwise sexually available, we still must keep a 100% hands off policy. This is for the good of the work.

Does this help?

Mekay joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 2 hours later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Thanks for clarifying this stuff Dr. Robert..
I think this did more than one of us some good!

Daisy joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 minute later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
This is so interesting. I'm trying really hard to understand which of the three I must fall under and just can't seem to see it. I'm sure I could figure it out pretty fast with the help of my therapist but I can't fathom coming out with how I feel about him. I'm afraid to be open about it.
He told me once that I am intimidated by men in authority so maybe it's #1. We didn't explore it further though. I never thought of myself as being that manipulative though. I don't think I am trying to seduce him.

(Edited 2 hours later.)

Jennifer joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 2 hours later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

> —other than, of course, that I am one of the ten sexiest men on the planet, possibly in the top three :-)

Wahahahahaha!

dr-robert replied with this 4.9 years ago, 32 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

Hi, Daisy--

It's not a matter of being manipulative. To me the word "manipulative" means something that is done intentionally. But these three (and there are others) examples happen unconsciously in the course of therapy. The client then might intentionally try to seduce the therapist, but usually the client will not really know why. Since the therapist (if he or she is any good) has been trained not to take anything the client says or does personally, the therapist is then able to understand these motivations, and, when the time is right, interpret (explain) them to the client.

Please take my word for this, people. There is nothing wrong with falling for the therapist, but the worst thing that could happen would be the unlucky event of being with a person who would take advantage of that to get in your pants. The whole idea is to learn about yourself, get over the infatuation, and move on to your own world outside of therapy.

p.s. Sometimes, Daisy, numbers 1 and 3 go together.

(Edited 3 minutes later.)

Daisy replied with this 4.9 years ago, 28 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Thanks Dr Robert. Interesting about 1&3. I struggle to understand (or face) #3. I was close to my dad who passed away, and had a difficult mother to (put it lightly) with BPD. There was never any sexual abuse or anything like that. I can't fathom sexual feelings towards him but maybe there was some kind of daddy's girl complex and I look for something similar in men. To be their favorite, that type of thing. And I'm trying as an adult to get those feelings out of my therapist and it becomes sexual in nature for me now as an adult. I'm not sure if I understand #3 correctly though.
This is interesting. I've never heard it explained this way regarding what is behind the feelings that develop towards the therapist.
I have a great one. He would never in a million years cross a line. As much as this disappoints me at times - lol.

(Edited 3 minutes later.)

dr-robert replied with this 4.9 years ago, 6 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

Yes. That is exactly what I mean, Daisy. And if you have that factor in the psyche, then sex probably will have that component. In a sense we all make love to the parental imagoes (internalized images) in one way or another--not necesarily by having conscious sexual feelings (which, after all, are highly taboo and so repressed from conscious awareness even if they are there). This is just normal human behavior. Daddy's girl is one of many possible versions.

Judging from what you write, you seem to be in a good place to benefit from therapy, and I wish you well.

Daisy replied with this 4.9 years ago, 2 hours later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Thank you very much.

WonderfulClient joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 34 minutes later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Thanks again for your reply

> Yes, of course it makes sense. Why not ask?
I often justify telling him about embarrassing things, or inappropriately asking him things, by telling myself it's important to my therapy for him to know about this or that.
In many of these cases, he interprets it as me trying to push the limits and I think he is right. Certainly, this is working on a subconscious level because I really do believe in each instance that I need to open up about whatever it is that's troubling me in order to move forward with my therapy, but really I think I am just finding a way of rationalizing being inappropriate/pushing the limits with him
I feel that in asking him to "change his approach", he will again think I am pushing the limits - trying to be treated differently than his other patients - trying to feel special (which I probably subconsciously am), yet I'm rationalizing it to myself that my therapy can't move forward without him changing his approach.
I think it's really a combination of trying to push the limits and trying to make changes to better my therapy.

So it's nice to hear from someone else that this isn't a completely irrational request of him (and I am worried it may seem disrespectful to ask a professional to change his professional approach, but I am glad you did not see it this way)

> 1. The client was trying to balance out the perceived power differential by sexualizing the relationship--dragging me down, that is, to a level where she might be able to gain the upper hand. Pussy power, the tender trap, and all that stuff.
>
> 2. The client had never been seen, heard, and understood before by a man who was happy to sit with her and listen, and that intimacy turned her on emotionally. Easy to understand, no?
>
> 3. The client's relationship with an early caregiver had sexual aspects which the client had not so far been able to resolve, and this was an opportunity for role-playing as an attempt to work all of that out.

This is very interesting to me. I'm struggling with figuring out which principle is at work here - I see all three to a certain degree.
Primarily, though, I see #2.
I do not think that I felt this way about any men in my life growing up (maybe they would have been happy to sit and listen, but I don't think I ever recognized it or felt that way).
It certainly is easy to understand why, then, having this positive attention would be important to me, and why I would develop emotional and erotic feelings towards these men - but what am I supposed to do with it once it's there? Simply being conscious that this is what is going on does not seem to be enough, as it does not change the feelings or my behaviour or the pain associated with those feelings.

Twice now, I have met men who were kind enough to be happy to sit with me and listen, but both times I ruined these relationships.
First, when I was 13 years old, I told this man I was in love with him and developed somewhat of an obsession with him (very similar to with my therapist now) and even had to take time off school because I was unable to focus on school due to my obsessive thoughts of him - my mom told him about all this, and he eventually told me that he thought it would be better for me to remove himself for my life, since he is clearly too much of a distraction to me. I have not spoken to him again (and I still miss him tremendously and think about him constantly, 8 years later).
I have also known another man, who was my coach since I was a young child and later my boss - again, he was very kind, very caring, very willing to sit and listen, and would never break the boundaries with me - he was clearly a good and HEALTHY person to have in my life, yet when I was 18 years old, I told him I was in love with him, and that it tortured me to be around him, and I felt it would be better if I stopped working with him. I have not seen him since.
It seems that once these people have established themselves as positive people to have in my life, I find a way of pushing them away (as my therapist says, I like to force people to reject me).

Do you think you could shine any light as to why I ruin these relationships? When I find men who are not going to break the boundaries, who are actually healthy for me to have in my life, I become obsessed with them, to the point that it is disruptive to my life, and I end up estranging myself from them.

It is certainly a pattern for me - when I find an older man in a position of authority who is not allowed to be intimate with me, and I feel confident that he will not break those rules, I develop an obsession. So this thing here with my therapist is not new to me at all - I have never had real relationships with men, the ones I have had have been when the older man in a position of authority over me ended up breaking the rules and being with me.
I have never actually been attracted to a man, or interested in a relationship with a man, who is not off limits to me.

Seeing as this is becoming more conscious, how do you suggest I work through it?

There is a difference, I fear, in recognizing my behaviour, recognizing that my feelings for these men arise from never having felt that ability with a man to be seen and heard and understood and listened to, and actually using this knowledge to change my behaviour (i.e. no longer develop these obsessions over them that perpetuate my depression).
How am I supposed to change this behaviour?

I wonder if part of it is also a matter of safety - I am an extreme person in most areas of my life - and when I meet these men that are older and I sense will not take advantage of me, maybe I develop the obsession as a way of trying to get as close to them as possible because they are safe to me (and I rarely feel this)

Sorry that this is so long - you are really making me do some good thinking here

(Edited 9 minutes later.)

shh replied with this 4.9 years ago, 12 hours later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

I'm def a bit of a no2, with some other things thrown in for good measure.

I would say I had "sexual anorexia" which is usually caused by fear or rejection, criticism, not feeling worthy etc, which combined with my fear of men in general (my father was a "good man" but with anger/violence issues, and I have never known a man not eventually lash out violently, so even "good men" aren't to be trusted in my mind)...and so my therapist was female, and the only person I who I have ever really trusted and been able to be open and honest and talk intimately with...and bingo, erotic transference!

(Edited 41 seconds later.)

dr-robert replied with this 4.9 years ago, 2 hours later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
"I have never actually been attracted to a man, or interested in a relationship with a man, who is not off limits to me."

Fear of intimacy, would be my working hypothesis (without knowing you, of course).

WonderfulClient joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 hour later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Thanks, Dr. Robert.
It's interesting that I really WANT intimacy (or at least that's what I tell myself), yet I set things up so that I can't get it (by only going after men who are off limits).
Certainly, it appears as though there is a fear of intimacy there.
Now I will have to do some work to try to understand why that fear is there - I hope that by understanding why then maybe I can fix it.

Can I ask another question? This is more out of curiosity than anything...
When you recognize that a client feels a certain way about you due to one of the three factors you mentioned, is this something you would tell the client?
In general, when you feel you've found some insight as to why a client feels or behaves a certain way (e.g. why they are feeling this attraction to you), do you generally share that insight with them or hope they will discover it on their own?

dr-robert replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 hour later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

Hi, WC--

If a client makes an obvious pass at me, I will say something like, "That's not why you and I are together here. There is nothing wrong with your feelingswe all have thembut acting on them would jeopardize our work. So, while I am flattered that you find an old guy like me attractive, let's agree to let all that stuff go and concentrate on the real agenda, which is to help you work through the things that are really troubling you. I am sure that if we can get that done, you will be able to find a much better and more appropriate lover than me in your life outside of therapy."

I always hope that people will discover things on their own, so instead of telling what I might see and believe, I prefer to ask questions which might open doors. For example, assuming that I suspect that number 3 above was the main reason for finding me worth falling in love with, "Tell me how things were for you between you and your dad?" (just an example)

(Edited 3 minutes later.)

WonderfulClient joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 16 hours later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Thank you for all this insight

T joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 2 days later, 6 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

For the most part, I just see really good sex. I'd want him as a fuck buddy more than anything. Knowing that it would be so good, considering how much I want him, makes me want him more, which I know will make it ever better, which makes me want him more, and it keeps going.
But the kind of fuck buddy that'll hold you every once in a while when you're craving that holding.
Mainly satisfying my sexual desires... once in a while emotional desires... but for the most part, a no-strings attached kind of thing.
I think I'd be happier if I were with a guy that just wanted to fuck every once in a while rather than be in a relationship.
Problem is every time I've had a no-strings attached kind of thing with a guy they've fallen in love with me (seriously). That's kind of how all my relationships have started! So maybe not such a good idea.

@wc
OMG this paragraph is like straight from my mind.. the story of my life and I feel like I could have written this lol

(Edited 19 seconds later.)

shh replied with this 4.9 years ago, 5 hours later, 6 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

I understand that too.. to the point that I used to have a "3 times rule"... never sleep with them more than 3 times, cos once you sleep with them more than that, they start to get feelings for you
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