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Topic: Help me. I wanna die

Anonymous A started this discussion 5.1 years ago #2,223

I’m 15 years old. I decided to write this because I’ve been really confused, really ashamed, really scared and suicidal over something I did at my 14 years.


You know, I wasn’t aware of my acts, and I really can’t talk anyone about this, because I’m afraid I’ll ruin the relationship I have with my family.


Okay, now to the point. My cousins, of 9, and 10 years old, both boys used to sleepover at my house. I really liked their presence and we played videogames together, or play outside with my other brothers. One day, I felt the urge to masturbate at night. They were in my bed, a fairly big bed. So, in the middle of this, I noticed I got horny by their presence, so I started to touch them. I was sure they were asleep though. I touched their butt and explored them while masturbating. This happened like 3 or two times more.


And now that I think back on it, I mean… I’m just starting high school and I’ve even felt the urge to cry in the middle of the class. I feel like no one should talk to me, I don’t deserve it. I feel like a monster. I see everything so surreal, and I cry every time I’m alone.


I don’t know why I did it. I hate myself for it. I don’t feel attracted to children. I’ve been in love with girls and boys at my age. Confessed to two girls, but didn’t work out.


I mean, why I did it. I’m not sure how to handle this. What if they remember. I don’t think they’re as open as you. I don’t think anyone in my family is open enough. I’m even afraid to say I’m bisexual.


The only reason I’m not dead is because I don’t want my family to get broken. I mean I love them a lot. What can I do to fix this. I feel like I did the worst thing possible. I can talk to no one about this. I’m not sure if a psychologist will comprehend me. I’m scared I might end up in jail or treated like a freak.


But I’m not. I really love my cousins. Thinking that they might've been awake and I might have hurted them subconsciously makes me want to die. Please help me, I don’t know what to do.


I want everything to be normal again. I want to show my cousins I really didn't mean it. I don't know what to do.


They don't show signs or hate or get weird to me, but they might be afraid.


I 'll wait for your answer.


_


I really can't stop crying. I don't want myself to be seen as evil. I wanted to do so much in my life. I love music, I love the world. I love every human being in existence. I love culture, I love art, I love people who search for freedom everyday Ii hate capitalism, I just want everyone to be happy. I just couldn't control myself that fucking day, and I thought it wasn't bad if they were asleep.


I have had suicidal thoughts for a long time. I just haven't killed myself because I love everyone so much. I don't want my family to dissapear, I want to do something with my life, not being someone horrible. I wanted to draw, to sing, to help revolutionize the world. I swear I'm not evil, if I was aware of how much damage I could've caused to them I wouldn't have done anything at all. Why can't we travel in time. I don't have anyone to share this, not a soul. Who can I talk about this? I want someone to hug me. I want someone to be with me. Stand by my side going through this fucking mistake.


I want everything to be normal. I fucked up my life so much with this. I wanted to be happy. I really wanted. What can I do now without a twisted future where everyone will hate me? I should just probably kill myself. No one will ever see me normally if they knew about this. Not all the girls I've flirted with, all the girls that I've seen to the eyes. All the girls I've thought about.


Why was I born, my family was so perfect like it was before. I don't wanna end up in jail. I don't want my cousins to see me as a crazy man. I wouldn't do anything wrong to them.


I mean why. Why did I have to do that. I love colors, I love when people care for others, quirky jokes...


I cannot do anything of that anymore, because I'm a sick fuck apparently. Just why.


My only hope is that they were asleep. But still, I willl live with the guilt forever and won't be able to do anything. Why can't someone save me. Just please. I love life, I wanted to do so much things. And I'm just talking to a stranger about it.


I feel so lonely and sad and evil and fuck everything.

____


I just wanna know how to apologize to those poor kids. How to do that without them thinking I'm a sick psychopath? I just feel so bad about what I did. Why couldn't I realize that was really wrong before.


_


Sorry for writing so much, just feeling like I need to write more details I forgot. By that time I was realizing I might be bisexual, so probably it had to do something with it. It's not like I'm excusing it, by any means. I'm thinking I might explain them something like that... I don't know.


Also, because of this I cannot even think about porn or masturbating again. I want to stop thinking about that.

Mekay joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 2 hours later[^] [v] #0

I can't say much in response to this.
All I can say is killing yourself isn't the answer.
YOu say you are not attracted to children, and
I doubt these children will remember.

You were not touching their gentials right?
It was a mistake and you won't do it again...

Get into therapy. You're still young.
I would suggest church too.

Molly joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 23 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

To OP. I am on my phone so I can't attach DR Roberts posts about this normal behavior. WT or anyone.If you are around,can you attach it for him on here? If not I'll do it tonight.

Let's work on this together here. You are in lots of pain as we can see. I know you can't see it yet,but it is absolutely OK. This stuff happens to more people then not.
I'll write back tonight.

Anonymous D joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 1 hour later, 3 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
> It was a mistake and you won't do it again...

> Get into therapy. You're still young.
> I would suggest church too.

Sorry but.. Well, I don't believe in religions. And I'll feel twisted if I end up being a fanatic or something like that. I just want to continue with my life and forget that. And hope I didn't cause anything to them. I've been in therapy before for depression issues, but I don't think I'll be able to speak in person with someone about this.

Mekay replied with this 5.1 years ago, 7 minutes later, 4 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Yea.. that's normally how it works.
Those scary churches turning everyone
into fantatics. oh no. ..

Witheld joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 6 minutes later, 4 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

> Yea.. that's normally how it works.
> Those scary churches turning everyone
> into fantatics. oh no. ..

I go to church and I don't turn into a fanatic. I infact believe there is a time and place for religion

Mekay replied with this 5.1 years ago, 2 minutes later, 4 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

YOu don't do well with sarcasm do ya?
lol

Molly replied with this 5.1 years ago, 5 minutes later, 4 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Before we start talking about going to church. That's great. Church can be a great place for people who like it. BUT for OP,church offers zero psychological knowledge and isn't helpful for him. I know you were offering it probably bc church makes you feel good,and you wanted him to have that relief as well,and that's nice.:)

Molly double-posted this 5.1 years ago, 1 minute later, 4 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

What can he type in the search engine here to get to all Dr Roberts posts about this subject?

Do any of you know how to find it?

Mekay replied with this 5.1 years ago, 2 minutes later, 4 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Hey lady. Calm down! ;p
It's really not that big of a deal.
It was just a suggestion.
I'm not pushing my beliefs on anyone.

I merely responded to him claiming
church goers are fanatics.

Which is simply not the case Molly.

(Edited 5 minutes later.)

Molly replied with this 5.1 years ago, 10 minutes later, 4 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

I wasn't worked up. And I got the sarcasm. I was still just pointing that out. :)

Mekay joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 28 minutes later, 5 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
what? I think you're confused at who I was posting to.
but whatever. Ok.

I am now officially leaving this thread I have nothing
to contribute.

Anonymous G joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 1 hour later, 6 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Well, anyways. My point wasn't to make the guy who goes to church feel bad. I misunderstood you.

I mean, I am not a believer and I'm against some things about church. Well, I guess I'm kind of spiritual, but I don't believe in Jesus or God.

I don't like that church hates homosexuals, and that the pope is rich as fuck. Franciscans are cool though, but I'm just not a believer.

Mekay replied with this 5.1 years ago, 1 minute later, 6 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
With all due respect Molly.
I wasn't suggesting it to you.

And I respected the original posters
distaste of it.

I was just correcting the false implication
that we are all crazies.

Molly joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 24 minutes later, 7 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Mekay, I was commenting on you saying "Hey lady. Calm down! ;p" Im...Im...Im confused. I knw you were respecting the OP. I know you suggested church,bc it helps you,and gives you comfort. I commented that that was nice.

It is getting too confusing.... Without ANY reflection on you,I was pointing out church can't offer the psychological help he needs. AND the only reason I even pointed THAT out is b/c the original poster picked up on just that 'church' advice alone. You see?

(Edited 35 seconds later.)

Molly double-posted this 5.1 years ago, 18 minutes later, 7 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

To original Poster. Please read this...especially since it took me so long to find it.lol I hope it will help heal your broken heart. Good luck! http://askdrrobert.dr-robert.com/childhood%20sexuality.html

Anonymous I joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 13 minutes later, 7 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Well, it seems like it is normal... So I just guess I have to forget about the guilt. Maybe I must apologize in some way to my cousins if they do remember and felt bad, indirectly, of course. Something like "Sorry for whatever that I could did that harmed you" Thank you for your time bro.

Mekay replied with this 5.1 years ago, 34 minutes later, 8 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I don't think it is necessary to apologize over something
they certainly cant remember.
the fact you WANT to apologize is enough.

the fact you even care and have remorse shows you have heart.
You are not a monster.

Molly replied with this 5.1 years ago, 21 minutes later, 8 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Welcome to the normal club! Go figure normal is not what we think. Mind blower there! Lol we all have a story similar in some way as yours. Letting go is the best thing you can do for you,and for others believe it or not. Holding onto guilt cause pain in you and people around you.

I agree with Mekay. They may not remember it,and or would not even want an apology. Most people just want to let the past die. The past is an old played out story most do not want to relive.

Witheld replied with this 5.1 years ago, 30 minutes later, 9 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Nope I don't, Aspergers syndrome is inside of me.

Mekay replied with this 5.1 years ago, 7 minutes later, 9 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Oh I did not know that!!
makes sense now.

Molly replied with this 5.1 years ago, 3 minutes later, 9 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

I learned that the hard way with my friends 5 year old boy with aspergers. I made a joke,and he cried.

I educated myself a bit,so I could relate to him better.

Mekay replied with this 5.1 years ago, 2 minutes later, 9 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
awwwe :(

OP joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 16 minutes later, 9 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Thanks for all everything guys! I really feel weird, because yesterday I was even planning how to kill myself without my family realizing it was a suicide...

Yeah, I guess I'm kind of bipolar too, but better just enjoy life.

Be happy you saved someone's life, even if it was over the internet. All my feelings to you, I won't forget you :).

Molly replied with this 5.1 years ago, 3 minutes later, 9 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

OMG!!! You are amazing!!! If you ever feel alone,hopeless again.Write here anytime. Take care friend.

Mekay replied with this 5.1 years ago, 9 minutes later, 9 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
SO COOL!!!!
God bless you OP :)

IDK joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 36 minutes later, 10 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

I'm about to be 30 yrs old and I have been holding on to a similar situation that happened when I was between 12 and 14. You really need to consider therapy. It will help you regain your self worth. You don't want to still be hating yourself years from now. This is all part of learning and you have. You should respect yourself for that and the courage to own up to your choices.

Molly replied with this 5.1 years ago, 8 minutes later, 10 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

IDK. Have you been able to let your experience go? And if you have,what was it that helped you let go?

IDK replied with this 5.1 years ago, 38 minutes later, 11 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

I'm struggling with psychosis which has brought everything back. I haven't let go. I'm still as disappointed in myself as I was when I put a stop to it back then. I wish I knew. I just know its not good to be on this side of the equation. I hope that the OP can find a way to move forward and be emotionally healthy in the future.

dr-robert joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 7 hours later, 19 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Hello, Anon A--

This kind of question comes up so often. It is sad really that some innocent sex play causes so much shame, guilt, and suffering. Please read this, and then if you have any further questions, post again.

http://askdrrobert.dr-robert.com/sexplay.html

OP joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 1 day later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> Hello, Anon A--
>
> This kind of question comes up so often. It is sad really that some innocent sex play causes so much shame, guilt, and suffering. Please read this, and then if you have any further questions, post again.
>
> http://askdrrobert.dr-robert.com/sexplay.html

Well Thank you so much Dr.

But I still can't take the thought that I might have damaged them out of my head. So even if what I did was normal, I cannot stand that they (My cousins) might see me with fear or hate after what happened.

And I can't live like that. What can I do?

Thanks.

Molly replied with this 5.1 years ago, 3 hours later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

What makes you think they are damaged? Is there any proof of that? I would bet your worried mind is in the process of thinking the worse case scenario right now.
Let the past be past. IF it comes up,it should come from cousin's,not you. It may never come up for the simple reason that they were not awake,it just didn't affect them in a negative way.. Do not waste your life on 'what if' fears.

When the thoughts arise in your mind,use phrases to tell your self,"Let it go",or "stop." After using that phrase,do not entertain 'what if' thoughts. Simply stop the thought stories. Do that as much as you need to redirect your thoughts.

OP joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 27 minutes later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> What makes you think they are damaged? Is there any proof of that? I would bet your worried mind is in the process of thinking the worse case scenario right now.
> Let the past be past. IF it comes up,it should come from cousin's,not you. It may never come up for the simple reason that they were not awake,it just didn't affect them in a negative way.. Do not waste your life on 'what if' fears.
>
> When the thoughts arise in your mind,use phrases to tell your self,"Let it go",or "stop." After using that phrase,do not entertain 'what if' thoughts. Simply stop the thought stories. Do that as much as you need to redirect your thoughts.

But I think doing that would be kind of cynical... I mean, they might see me as a cynical crazy guy if they do remember, until they decide to confront it in a non very friendly way. That's why I think I should come with it first. That "What if" thoughts aren't very irrevelant... Well, that's just what I think.

I'm really worried and I'm thinking in the worst case scenario that's true, but I don't think my thoughts are unfounded. I think this is really important in my relationship with them, and my family.

Molly replied with this 5.1 years ago, 24 minutes later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Of course!:) You should do what you feel is best for you,and what you think is best for your cousin's. Maybe talking to them might be what you need for closure. Good luck with this! You can always write back if you feel lost.

Anonymous O joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 16 minutes later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> Of course!:) You should do what you feel is best for you,and what you think is best for your cousin's. Maybe talking to them might be what you need for closure. Good luck with this! You can always write back if you feel lost.


The problem is how...

I mean, they're just kids. And they don't fully understand this. I don't think I'm cappable of explaining this in any way or form without them getting really confused in the future. Just AGHHHH! I don't know what to do.

Just telling them "What I did was okay, don't tell anyone". Isn't that a bit manipulative?

I mean, sincerely, any of you think they can get damaged by this? Do you have any similar experience?

(Edited 41 seconds later.)

Molly replied with this 5.1 years ago, 20 minutes later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

I'm just trying to put myself in your shoes,and what I think I would say,if I chose to talk about it:

You telling them," Hey guys. Last year when you slept over,I was dreaming,and I might have touched you on accident. Do you remember if I did?" Then look at their expression(truth is in expressions more then words). If they look confused,I personally would brush it off. But if they look frazzled/nervous,then I would explain what happened better. At that point I would tell them the truth,bc the truth would be the only thing that would help them understand.

Telling them not to tell,would add bad intentions that would more then likely mess with them.

Anonymous P joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 18 minutes later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

What do you think of "Guys... I have something to tell you. Have I ever done something that bothered you a lot or scared you?" And it doesn't matter what they answer I would apologize for what I did. That wouldn't be a question that could confuse them, and if they do not remember, it wouldn't be weird.

Mekay replied with this 5.1 years ago, 1 minute later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
was this molly?
Good advice.

Anonymous Q joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 2 hours later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
> OMG!! YOU ARE AWESOME!!
> SO COOL!!!!

Why that overreacting? Are you making fun of the OP?

Molly replied with this 5.1 years ago, 20 minutes later, 2 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

That was a sincere response from me. My reaction came from knowing I had a part in him not wanting to die in that moment. Helping others is the best healing we can do for ourselves. So he is amazing to thank us like that. He returned the help by doing that.

OP joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 14 hours later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

Well thanks for still caring about this and comenting. I guess I have to confront them about it, but I cannot think that I just ruined my relationship with them and nothing will be back to being normal, ever again. Yet, they seem completely normal when I'm with them... But I get paranoic sometimes and I overthink stuff and think they are trying to make me go away. But that just happens in my mind, there's no real evidence.

I can't just feel normal after this, doesn't matter what I read or anything. Is it really that normal this kind of experiences and the taboos are just making this darker and darker? How Normal is this, sincerely? I can't but feel out of place when trying to think everything is gonna be all right. I cannot be me again...

OP joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 1 hour later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

So they came today. And I learned something: They were completely happy about coming, they were smiling with me and we had a perfect time. I didn't even mention the apologize because of that, I didn't damage them I'm certain of it.

Also, I learned something else. They are 9 and 8 right now... I don't know what I was thinking, I probably were delusional because of the anxiety.
so, they were 7 and 8 in that time when I was 14. How much does this changes? Am I a sexual deviant now, have problems...?

I learned a big lesson with all of this, and I feel like a new person.

OP joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 3 hours later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

http://www.pandys.org/articles/siblingsexualabuse.pdf

Is the doctor here? What does he think about this article?
I don't agree with what's there at all. I think it's brainwashing campaign. I mean, there is stuff that doesn't make sense there.

But by that article, I'm a sexual abuser.

I just want to stop this, was it really wrong what I did or not? I don't think it was very wrong but I feel very bad about it. Was it wrong experiencing with my cousins that were 7 and 8 when I was 14?

Why can't I just let go?

OP joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 50 minutes later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

I can't but feel unworthy of life, of the well treat of others. If I talked with someone about this he/she would probably think I'm an abuser. I'm a monster.

Am I overthinking this?

Anonymous V joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 58 minutes later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

Sorry for replying so much, I can't edit my posts, dunno why.

Anyways to the point. Disregard my last two posts. I just want this answered to finally be able to turn the page.
How much does it changes that they were actually 7 and 8 when I was 14 years old and I experimented with them? Today they were really happy, and yeah, they didn't seem to be damaged about what I did, and were really happy with me.

Now I'm concerned about my acts. Was it bad to feel lust and touch them at that difference of age? Is this some big taboo and baseless demonization as homosexuals were a while ago?

I think all this matters about sexual experimentation need to get in the media. I think this might be hurting a lot of people in this society right now, not just me, and can create a lot of confusion and remorse in teenagers and kids, as in their fathers.

Thanks for all the support from the people in this forum, once again. I want to feel untwisted, and feel worthy of living and spreading good to the people. Be able to forgive myself

Molly replied with this 5.1 years ago, 51 minutes later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Once you are consumed in your worried mind,you'll start looking for confirmation everywhere to support your belief.If your belief is that you are a monster,you will find the info to back that up. Just keep that in mind. What ever you are worried about,and you go looking for it,you'll find it. I do not suggest researching further for this reason. Dr Robert is as accurate as psychologist come. I would not read anybody else's articles who is not a psychologist. Don't read other peoples twisted opinions,fears,anger...

I agree with you. If only everyone was smart enough to read the psychology behind sexual desires,especially during adolescents,then we would not be spreading our fear around like we do. Like mothers who are afraid of their children being naked and shaming them,etc.Or maybe some of the articles you have read online.

Someday,you'll probably be a dad. You are doing great by getting education,and working on letting go of your fear. Honestly. I know you feel alone in this,but you are OK. Your cousin's being younger doesnt change this into a monsterous act. You had an adolescent mind,while developing strong hormones at that time.

(Edited 1 hour later.)

Sifter joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 53 minutes later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

I think this is a really fine line and we have to be careful. Molly, don't forget that there also abusers around who are looking for justifications that what they do or want to do is not wrong.

OP, your actions could have been harmful, and certainly if you had the maturity of conscience at that age to think about what you were doing in an adult light, you should not have done it. But you did it, and you did it as a child not thinking about the possible consequences - that your cousins could have felt scared, confused, guilty, shamed. It's great that they seem fine and I think your instinct in being around them is right: they are not aware of anything having happened, and it didn't harm them.

It could have worked out differently. There is a mature way of thinking about this that you need to get the hang of now. At the moment it's like this: on the one hand you could say 'what I did was evil and harmful and I am a piece of crap and I deserve to die.' On the other hand you could say 'there's nothing wrong with this kind of activity and society is wrong for making it taboo.' But both of those ways of thinking are immature, because they don't account for the fact that a) you were acting in innocence and immaturity, and b) some harm could have come from it. It would have been accidental from your point of view back then. But it's good, healthy and adult to know what the danger was now, and to know that you will not do that kind of thing again because you understand the danger.

OP joined in and replied with this 5.1 years ago, 36 minutes later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> I think this is a really fine line and we have to be careful. Molly, don't forget that there also abusers around who are looking for justifications that what they do or want to do is not wrong.
>
> OP, your actions could have been harmful, and certainly if you had the maturity of conscience at that age to think about what you were doing in an adult light, you should not have done it. But you did it, and you did it as a child not thinking about the possible consequences - that your cousins could have felt scared, confused, guilty, shamed. It's great that they seem fine and I think your instinct in being around them is right: they are not aware of anything having happened, and it didn't harm them.
>
> It could have worked out differently. There is a mature way of thinking about this that you need to get the hang of now. At the moment it's like this: on the one hand you could say 'what I did was evil and harmful and I am a piece of crap and I deserve to die.' On the other hand you could say 'there's nothing wrong with this kind of activity and society is wrong for making it taboo.' But both of those ways of thinking are immature, because they don't account for the fact that a) you were acting in innocence and immaturity, and b) some harm could have come from it. It would have been accidental from your point of view back then. But it's good, healthy and adult to know what the danger was now, and to know that you will not do that kind of thing again because you understand the danger.

I probably wouldn't have done anything if I was informed about the dangers. And like Dr. Robert says, I'm not encouraging it, I just think we should be informed and if it happens not to get completely guilty or ashamed about it, or wanting to kill yourself over it like I did.

I understand your concern, there might be abusers just wanting excuses, but I don't want excuses, I will never do this ever again. And If some 30 guy did this to them would be completely different, yeah.

Anyways, like you say, I'm still immature, I'm just 15 years old and everything will be different in a while. I won't even be the same person.

But right now, I think making this situations taboo is completely wrong. If we talked about it freely, it wouldn't happen for example, with idiots like me (Because we would know about the dangers) and if it happened, families could talk freely about how it's just experimentation without feeling it's weird or odd. And of course, they could talk about the dangers, how you shouldn't feel insecure, ashamed... All about that, leading to a healthy sexual development. If it was such a normal topic there wouldn't be reason to feel like a monster about it. I mean, just like, you just hit your little brother, you should refrain from it because it's wrong but you are no monster, just don't do it again because it could led to bigger problems and it's immoral.

Sorry for the terrible english. I'm terrible at it, and thanks for everything, specially Molly. And thank you too for making me see this in a mature way.

Molly replied with this 5.1 years ago, 10 minutes later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

You have a good point there Sifter. I am going to edit my very last sentence for that purpose you pointed out...

Molly double-posted this 5.1 years ago, 9 minutes later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

You are welcome.I agree with everything you say. I know you wouldn't have done it. Almost ALL of us wouldnt have explored the way we did when we were in our teens. We just were mentally free of taboos,horny,and most of us just did not have a boundary as we do when we are adults. We were just free to explore with out fear of consequences. It's one of the many situations in life where it's not possible to label it 'good' or 'bad'. It just happens.

(Edited 56 seconds later.)

Sifter replied with this 5.1 years ago, 30 minutes later, 3 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

Right on, Molly & OP. I totally agree.

Anonymous Z-1 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 17 hours later, 4 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

http://askdrrobert.dr-robert.com/molested%20by%20sister.html

I don't know what's into me. I cried this noon again and I went like I was since the start of all of this.

I'm a molester is what I repeat to me. I've been reading and reading for like three days and I can't go back to my natural state. Is there a way to lose that memory? To forget it even happened. I would like to talk to someone in real life about this, but for all that I've been reading I will end up in jail for being a juvenile abuser, not all psichologysts are as open minded as DR. Robert. But I found that article, and this one http://askdrrobert.dr-robert.com/moremolestation.html This all points that I'm a molester, and I acted wrong. And this cannot change, and I can't be innocent again or act happy around others, because I'm just a molester. This is what happens through my mind everyday. I just cannot stop feeling guilt. The suicidal thoughts came back. I don't know what to do. What if my cousins suddenly have a flash back about what happened? My life would totally end, it wouldn't be normal, it would ruin my career and my dreams, and my relationship with my family and with everyone.

I just want to let go, but I can't. I need to forget. I would take any drug to make me forget. But that's not possible, that's why I want to kill myself. I don't do it because it's just selfish, and well, I've done terrible already.

And I just can't but think how I will talk about this in the future, with my girlfriend or wife if I ever get one, and how she will hate me forever. I cannot stop having terrible thoughts. I cannot stop thinking everything is lost by now, and it's just true. Everyone but people in this site thinks I'm a monster, and I believe in democracy. Maybe I just need to dissapear.

Gina joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 11 minutes later, 4 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

I have something i'm totally ashamed of that i refuse to post on here, even though these people have been so accepting to me, and a lot of other people. I have to keep it a secret forever, and nobody will ever know what a sick fuck i am.
Feels like i'm decieving them.
What's helped me was to just put it in the past, and use the guilt as a reminder not to do it again. The guilt is something you've just got to deal with because you've done something wrong. It's your punishment, but just go easy on yourself. Its good that you feel bad about what you've done. Now accept that its done and over with. The pain will subside and it'll start to be okay again. Just try and tell yourself you were in a bad place, where you were confused and had urges that you couldnt control. It's okay. Forgive and "forget". It'll always be in your subconcious, but when it comes up just try to distract yourself. I like to hum in my head when i'm trying not to think.
Hope you find something useful in this. Good luck. Stay strong

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 1 hour later, 4 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

You HAVE to talk to someone. I strongly suggest going to your mom tonight. You do not have to tell her the cause,but let her know what pain you are in. It is crucial at this point to talk to some one. You wont be in trouble. Can you talk to your mom about this even? I know all moms are different,but me being a mother,I naturally have UN conditional love for my kiddos. Is your mother an open minded lady?

Molly double-posted this 5 years ago, 1 minute later, 4 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

If you do not feel comfortable with your mom,see if she will let you see a therapist. I know you think this is the sin of all sins,but this is NOTHING to therapist.

Anonymous Z-3 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 47 minutes later, 4 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> Is your mother an open minded lady?
My mother can be the most open minded lady at a times, and the person with the lowest temper at another. I love her and I really don't want her to cause trouble right now, she's been going through a lot lately, and is not in the mood... I think she would just think it's nothing to worry much about, but who knows... I better don't talk to her. Though, I remember that I experienced with a dog unintentionally (It licked me) when I was like 8 or 9 and she just told me that it could infect me, but there's nothing wrong with it, but it is unhealthy and I should stop. But I don't know how would she react about this.

Also, I've went to a therapist before, because of a big depression caused by being socially inept. After going into this therapy I started to be more aware of what I do. A lot of shit happened between the end of my 14 years and the start of my 15 and I'm now this guy that wants to live life without hurting anyone and without anyone to hurt me. And then, like 2 weeks ago I remembered what I did and ughhh, you don't know how it feels. And people used to tell I was mature, and a so good kid. It makes me sick sometimes.

Back to the point my mother knows I'm troubled by something right now (Is like she can see into my soul), and thinks is related to my high school. I just tell her that nothing is wrong and is overreacting. I don't want to hurt my relationship with herm or my family. And well about the therapist... Are you sure everyone is as open minded as Dr. Robert?

http://askdrrobert.dr-robert.com/curiosity.html

But well I just read that. I think it did it for now. It hints that an age gap is not important in sexplay while they are both kids: "Further, I do not know to what website you refer which says that an age gap in childhood sex play is a concern, but what you did was not sex play anyway"

That probably will do it by now, yeah I might go back to depression, because that's just how I am. But probably I should just stop being so obsessed with this and try to turn my life over. Do you think is completely necessary to confess this to someone in real life?

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 2 hours later, 4 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

No. Its not about a confession. I only suggest talking to someone in real life to give you comfort,and for you to see you are not alone. I know first hand what being alone with a worried mind feels like. There is no other punishment worse then that. No wonder why you want to end it. I'm on the other side...As if you are (metaphorically speaking) in a tank of water,I am on the other side of the glass looking at you suffering while you are in submerged in water(tortured mind.) Over the forum,its not the same as a person who can help you guide your way out and see you are stuck in non reality.

You could always print this conversation out to your mom...

Molly double-posted this 5 years ago, 3 minutes later, 4 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Hi Gina,

I disagree with guilt being your life long punishment. What ever you did happened as it did,and couldnt be any other way at where you were at then. There is no reason for you to wear a ball and chain for something in the past. You should TRULY let it go. Im assuming your heart is not where it was at then. Let go!!! Now!!!:)

Gina replied with this 5 years ago, 9 hours later, 4 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

Idk, i think it is :/
I dont know how to just let it go... :(

joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 5 hours later, 5 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> No. Its not about a confession. I only suggest talking to someone in real life to give you comfort,and for you to see you are not alone. I know first hand what being alone with a worried mind feels like. There is no other punishment worse then that. No wonder why you want to end it. I'm on the other side...As if you are (metaphorically speaking) in a tank of water,I am on the other side of the glass looking at you suffering while you are in submerged in water(tortured mind.) Over the forum,its not the same as a person who can help you guide your way out and see you are stuck in non reality.
>
> You could always print this conversation out to your mom...

Yeah. I am alone. I can't change that, I will ruin my life if I talk about this in reality, abusing of kids is terrible. The victims, in any way, are them, not me. If I tell, I'm the bad guy.

Anonymous Z-5 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 22 minutes later, 5 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> No. Its not about a confession. I only suggest talking to someone in real life to give you comfort,and for you to see you are not alone. I know first hand what being alone with a worried mind feels like. There is no other punishment worse then that. No wonder why you want to end it.

Also, I'm not alone in the world. I talk to people in high school and laugh or whatever. But it's just insincere and bad to feel good or try to after having done this. I feel like a fake, and I am a fake. I don't want any big relationship right now. I'm a terrible person, I don't want anyone involved in my shitty life. And I can't go to the psychologist, got no money.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 54 minutes later, 5 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Have you ever noticed our "I am" is always changing? I am ugly. I am happy. I am hideous..

The truth is,is we don't know what we are. We try to define ourselves by our new emotion that arises. Be patient,and do not stick a flag in your emotional state and claim it as you. It's ok to feel despair,but do not get distorted with false visions of yourself.

Hang in there. I know I can't help over the net,but it helps for you to write,I'll at least listen,and the most important is try to not define yourself by your pain.

As Dr Robert has stated,be careful what you believe,because it's hard to break that habitual thinking. I strongly suggest changing your 'I am' to something that empowers you. "I am strong" "I am a loving guy",etc. If you do use this therapy,do not add anything after this simple thought that I gave an example of. I had a friend tell me the human mind is like a simple computer.It will crash if you give it conflicting demands.Example of a conflicting demand,"I am worthy of peace"..." Only if I hadn't done what I did though"...

This will help redirect your thinking pattern,and will become effortless where you do not have to remind yourself TO think healthier. You have to put in the work. No one else can do this for you. You have to want it.

(Edited 12 minutes later.)

Anonymous Z-6 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 1 hour later, 5 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> Have you ever noticed our "I am" is always changing? I am ugly. I am happy. I am hideous..
>
> The truth is,is we don't know what we are. We try to define ourselves by our new emotion that arises. Be patient,and do not stick a flag in your emotional state and claim it as you. It's ok to feel despair,but do not get distorted with false visions of yourself.
>
> Hang in there. I know I can't help over the net,but it helps for you to write,I'll at least listen,and the most important is try to not define yourself by your pain.
>
> As Dr Robert has stated,be careful what you believe,because it's hard to break that habitual thinking. I strongly suggest changing your 'I am' to something that empowers you. "I am strong" "I am a loving guy",etc. If you do use this therapy,do not add anything after this simple thought that I gave an example of. I had a friend tell me the human mind is like a simple computer.It will crash if you give it conflicting demands.Example of a conflicting demand,"I am worthy of peace"..." Only if I hadn't done what I did though"...
>
> This will help redirect your thinking pattern,and will become effortless where you do not have to remind yourself TO think healthier. You have to put in the work. No one else can do this for you. You have to want it.

But that won't ever change the fact that I did something terrible, and if they remember I'll be that to them. A miserable molestor. And my past self can be in their memories forever, haunting them for that stupid action, in their insecurities.

I don't deserve to live. Life was just not for me. I've been confused my whole life, I've never been really happy. And when I was searching and aware of myself, when I was about to keep going and enjoy, I discovered I've already ruined 3 lives. I just wanted to love, and make the best of my life and my companions in the travel.

There's no way to redeem this, and only you in the whole world is supporting my being.

Anonymous Z-6 double-posted this 5 years ago, 11 minutes later, 5 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> > Have you ever noticed our "I am" is always changing? I am ugly. I am happy. I am hideous..
> >
> > The truth is,is we don't know what we are. We try to define ourselves by our new emotion that arises. Be patient,and do not stick a flag in your emotional state and claim it as you. It's ok to feel despair,but do not get distorted with false visions of yourself.
> >
> > Hang in there. I know I can't help over the net,but it helps for you to write,I'll at least listen,and the most important is try to not define yourself by your pain.
> >
> > As Dr Robert has stated,be careful what you believe,because it's hard to break that habitual thinking. I strongly suggest changing your 'I am' to something that empowers you. "I am strong" "I am a loving guy",etc. If you do use this therapy,do not add anything after this simple thought that I gave an example of. I had a friend tell me the human mind is like a simple computer.It will crash if you give it conflicting demands.Example of a conflicting demand,"I am worthy of peace"..." Only if I hadn't done what I did though"...
> >
> > This will help redirect your thinking pattern,and will become effortless where you do not have to remind yourself TO think healthier. You have to put in the work. No one else can do this for you. You have to want it.
>
> But that won't ever change the fact that I did something terrible, and if they remember I'll be that to them. A miserable molestor. And my past self can be in their memories forever, haunting them for that stupid action, in their insecurities.
>
> I don't deserve to live. Life was just not for me. I've been confused my whole life, I've never been really happy. And when I was searching and aware of myself, when I was about to keep going and enjoy, I discovered I've already ruined 3 lives. I just wanted to love, and make the best of my life and my companions in the travel.
>
> There's no way to redeem this, and only you in the whole world is supporting my being.

I'm just a fucking creep.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 43 minutes later, 5 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

I(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Let's try this.

Your cousins are male right? Let's just go with that they haven't a clue what happened while they were sleeping. All else is just stories anyway. It really is the unknown when/if they'll ever remember.

But you love them and want the best for them bc they are your cousins,so I'm using them for this exersize for that reason. What if one of them was in your shoes? He's 14 now,he doesn't understand sexuality and boundaries yet,and crosses them as well. He eventually thinks about it a year later while in a different state of mind. What would you say to him? Tell me what you would say to him. Don't make this about you at all. I want you to feel empathy for the 'pretend' 15 year old cousin who now wants to end his life. Your words are the only words he is willing to listen to. What would you say?

(Edited 1 minute later.)

Anonymous Z-7 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 30 minutes later, 5 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> I(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
>
> Let's try this.
>
> Your cousins are male right? Let's just go with that they haven't a clue what happened while they were sleeping. All else is just stories anyway. It really is the unknown when/if they'll ever remember.
>
> But you love them and want the best for them bc they are your cousins,so I'm using them for this exersize for that reason. What if one of them was in your shoes? He's 14 now,he doesn't understand sexuality and boundaries yet,and crosses them as well. He eventually thinks about it a year later while in a different state of mind. What would you say to him? Tell me what you would say to him. Don't make this about you at all. I want you to feel empathy for the 'pretend' 15 year old cousin who now wants to end his life. Your words are the only words he is willing to listen to. What would you say?

Of course I'd tell him to stop caring about it and live his life, because if he's feeling remorse is obviously that he is not that person anymore, and that person was if anything, just a really confused kid searching for stupid pleasure, because he couldn't know better. And killing himself is dumb, and it isn't that bad to experimentate. Would help him out if something happens to him and would defend him at any costs.

I know what you are trying to do, but these are all fantasies... As cool as they are as good as they sound, it's not gonna happen. The most probable thing to happen is that one of them suddenly remembers and everything will end for him and me, and my family. I need to heal this, but it's impossible. How can I even explain to him what happened without sounding wicked or hypocritical or talking completely on my favor? How can I help them if something happens? How can I help myself?

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 30 minutes later, 5 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

No one knows what will happen to your cousins. To worry about that seems...like hell. I really really hope you can see the importance of helping yourself first. No one can ever help anything,anyone with out doing that much first. And maybe one day, if they do want to talk to you,which again,is such a fairy tale at this point,because that day may never come,then you'll actually be equipped to help them and not be the victim.

You are worth getting help. You suffering is affecting everyone. If you want to make a difference in your families life,then you will focus on getting help in healing. I can tell you are full of compassion,because you keep focusing on what you did to them. NOW is the time to figure out how to let go of victim mentality so you can direct your compassion for everyone in a helpful way.

Its OK to mourn,feel despair,but eventually you have to get back to the point in getting out of the depths of despair.

Anonymous Z-8 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 23 minutes later, 5 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> No one knows what will happen to your cousins. To worry about that seems...like hell. I really really hope you can see the importance of helping yourself first. No one can ever help anything,anyone with out doing that much first. And maybe one day, if they do want to talk to you,which again,is such a fairy tale at this point,because that day may never come,then you

I know I'm not the victim, they are. My suffering isn't affecting anyone but me. If something is making or will make my family suffer, those are my actions of 1 year ago, that probably are haunting my cousins. Once I know for sure I did no harm, I will start feeling normal again, and go on with my life. That's how I did just after I did that act, because it didn't happen through my mind that I was harming them emocionally or mentally. I was just pleasuring myself making my hardest to not wake them up because it would get awkward. That's what I thought, that it could get awkward.

Anonymous Z-9 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 1 hour later, 5 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

Anyways I don't feel guilt about myself. I'm just concerned I damaged them, and that I might damage my family because of their beliefs. I don't really think I'm anormal, or terrible, I think what I DID to them was terrible, and I need to redeem it, because I don't want to ruin anyone's lives. But HOW do I do that. Is it possible that the perpetrator of this act is able to explain to their 9 and 8 cousins about this in a way I don't hurt them even more (In case they Do remember) or confuse them, or demonize me?

They seem to love me, I hope that they will do forever... I can't but think I betrayed their trust in my terrible person.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 33 minutes later, 5 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

I understand what you are saying...

Just let it come up when it feels right. Keep in mind they have a mental state of a 8 and 9 year old.They will not grasp what you are wanting to convey. It might be confusing for they did not have a sexual experience. That is only in your mind,not theirs.

AND!!:) You could also let them know they can come to you for anything. They are not holding onto any type of pain like you are,so maybe being an extra cool role model for them(like being able to talk to you about anything) will help you see your positive impact is way bigger then a couple of rubbing their butts.

I have two bros. One is a twin and the other is only 2 years older. We had sexual exploration as children. We are 35,and 37 now. We are all best friends. Really close friends!Also, I went out to eat a few years ago with my girlfriends. Some how we got on the topic of sexual exploration with our cousin's and siblings.It was amazing to talk about something that felt so dirty,with such laughter,and no big deal attitude. One friend practice french kissing with her brother. We are all mothers,and healthy happy people.

Anonymous Z-9 replied with this 5 years ago, 3 minutes later, 5 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> I understand what you are saying...
>
> Just let it come up when it feels right. Keep in mind they have a mental state of a 8 and 9 year old.They will not grasp what you are wanting to convey. It might be confusing for they did not have a sexual experience. That is only in your mind,not theirs.
>
> AND!!:) You could also let them know they can come to you for anything. They are not holding onto any type of pain like you are,so maybe being an extra cool role model for them(like being able to talk to you about anything) will help you see your positive impact is way bigger then a couple of rubbing their butts.
>
> I have two bros. One is a twin and the other is only 2 years older. We had sexual exploration as children. We are 35,and 37 now. We are all best friends. Really close friends!Also, I went out to eat a few years ago with my girlfriends. Some how we got on the topic of sexual exploration with our cousin's and siblings.It was amazing to talk about something that felt so dirty,with such laughter,and no big deal attitude. One friend practice french kissing with her brother. We are all mothers,and healthy happy people.

I did more than rubbing butts. I touched more I mean, didn't even try penetration because I was aware of physical damage.

I hope I can be like you some day, but I feel that the age gap is somewhat worrying, every one who had this kind of experiences had an age gap or at maximum 5 years... And weren't as old as me...

(Edited 5 minutes later.)

Anonymous Z-10 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 16 hours later, 6 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

Also, I'm a big model for them. One of them once said he would marry me when he grew up (A lot ago). The point is that I'm a lot to them, I'm not just his cousin, and maybe they know and remember what I did, and is eating them inside.

Also, I just remembered that I once humped my brother when was like 6, and my sister and brother again when I was like 14 too and drunk I think... but they are all older than me and obviously don't care so I feel no guilt whatsoever. The problem is that they were younger, and that's why I feel it was abusive... Also once I showed mine and other showed me his with my friend when I was in first grade.

No guilt for any of that because is obviously normal and no one ended up damaged because well, it was mutual or not abusive and it wasn't big deal, but this...

My brother is 5-6 years older than me. My sister 9. So yeah, just so you know I was just a horny teenager and not searching for little kids. Not trying to excuse anything though.

(Edited 5 minutes later.)

Anonymous Z-11 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 22 minutes later, 6 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

Update: Couldn't edit again

Just pointing out I rubbed my sister once when I was sober and 14 too. So twice in total, it all happened when, again I think they were sleep. And I humped my brother at night when I was like 6 (Don't know how much times) and when I was 14 and drunk I touched some parts of him I don't want to talk about, he was drunk and asleep. Never again. Feel no guilt at all by any of this, but and just see it as an experience. It doesn't mean I'm going to still hump them right now, or touch them, I mean, I wasn't aware of how sick I was. But doing this to kids is another thing, altogether.

When I was in kindergarden there was once kid who used to run with his penis outside, no clue why... I don't think this is very relevant but it might be.

I've been thinking about all sexual things that have happened within me lately, and I thought this might help...

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 58 minutes later, 6 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

You and your siblings do not need to forgive each other. With your siblings you probably are aware things happen without consideration during adolescents sometimes.If all of you had an ounce of awareness at that time,a light bulb would have clicked on. That light bulb was not there. It was what it was. It wasn't bad or good. Maybe this is why you are not in pain with them. You've truly accepted it was what it was.

It's like that for your cousins too. Whether they have enough memory to bring it to a conscious level can't be known. But when/if they do,they'll have to come to that realization as well.

I am just going by gut here,and have no info to back this up,but if they are well cared for on a compassionate,loving invironment,they can handle any situation well. I think its more about THAT then it is by an actual 'minor' experience like this one.

Most mentally healthy people just instinctively know that things happen,and to move on.

(Edited 8 minutes later.)

Anonymous Z-12 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 1 hour later, 6 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> You and your siblings do not need to forgive each other. With your siblings you probably are aware things happen without consideration during adolescents sometimes.If all of you had an ounce of awareness at that time,a light bulb would have clicked on. That light bulb was not there. It was what it was. It wasn't bad or good. Maybe this is why you are not in pain with them. You've truly accepted it was what it was.
>
> It's like that for your cousins too. Whether they have enough memory to bring it to a conscious level can't be known. But when/if they do,they'll have to come to that realization as well.
>
> I am just going by gut here,and have no info to back this up,but if they are well cared for on a compassionate,loving invironment,they can handle any situation well. I think its more about THAT then it is by an actual 'minor' experience like this one.
>
> Most mentally healthy people just instinctively know that things happen,and to move on.

Do you really think this is a minor experience and I'm just overreacting?

I mean, things happen, and if I don't know, an uncle did that to them they would act the same, but it doesn't mean it's a good reaction, and they will probably fear him.

(Edited 8 minutes later.)

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 1 hour later, 6 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

It's all perspective really. I find it minor. I also have a grasp on reality,which is that all humans are sexual animals. It's in our genes to be. At one point we were almost extinct and only the very most sexual humans pulled us through,which is where we come from. Until we are taught in some way to suppress our desires,we wouldn't know to draw the line. And lines are good I might add. It teaches us to respect others.But also,our children like you(yes 14 is a child) should not be seen as anything but innocent.

Some one could be reading this right now who was raised by a mother who taught them that touching them selves is a sin,ect and their perspective would think that what you did is not minor.

This is why it's important to not listen to others,and get educated on reality.Dr Roberts writing was a great step for you.

Anonymous Z-13 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 38 minutes later, 6 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> It's all perspective really. I find it minor. I also have a grasp on reality,which is that all humans are sexual animals. It's in our genes to be. At one point we were almost extinct and only the very most sexual humans pulled us through,which is where we come from. Until we are taught in some way to suppress our desires,we wouldn't know to draw the line. And lines are good I might add. It teaches us to respect others.But also,our children like you(yes 14 is a child) should not be seen as anything but innocent.
>
> Some one could be reading this right now who was raised by a mother who taught them that touching them selves is a sin,ect and their perspective would think that what you did is not minor.
>
> This is why it's important to not listen to others,and get educated on reality.Dr Roberts writing was a great step for you.

That's what worries me. I am educated by Dr. Robert, but they are not. They are very, very catholical (Well their dads, but my brothers are trying to change that along with me by making jokes about God or stuff like that...)

Anonymous Z-14 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 1 hour later, 6 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> It's all perspective really. I find it minor. I also have a grasp on reality,which is that all humans are sexual animals. It's in our genes to be. At one point we were almost extinct and only the very most sexual humans pulled us through,which is where we come from. Until we are taught in some way to suppress our desires,we wouldn't know to draw the line. And lines are good I might add. It teaches us to respect others.But also,our children like you(yes 14 is a child) should not be seen as anything but innocent.
>
> Some one could be reading this right now who was raised by a mother who taught them that touching them selves is a sin,ect and their perspective would think that what you did is not minor.
>
> This is why it's important to not listen to others,and get educated on reality.Dr Roberts writing was a great step for you.

I will remember you forever Molly. You are a very kind person, It's awesome that you are still answering me. In my world you are the kindest person on Earth. I would hug you and kiss you.I might still be an immature kid and you won't take this seriously, but that's how I feel, that's my expert opinion and just because others are uneducated and cannot see it doesn't mean it's not true. You are the kindest person on Earth.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 7 minutes later, 6 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Help them keep an open mind. They are so young,but eventually you can make a difference for them. Religion is rigid,I find it abusive in a sense it leaves out 'the rest of us',depending which side of the team/religion you are playing on. Even atheism ,the belief in no God, is a form of ignorance/religion as well. The truth is,is no human can possibly KNOW the answer to life. To think so is ignorance. To make fun of God only makes them even more confused. They may feel so much more comfortable with the truth...the truth is not one person in the entire history of humanity has had the answer to one important question. ALL beliefs are formed from our human mind to feel better about us literately walking around clueless. All debates of "there is a God!" There isn't a God!" Are ignorant on both side. Let you get out of that rat race.:)

I know this is off the subject.lol

Molly double-posted this 5 years ago, 1 minute later, 6 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Aww! Im gonna cry!;) I cant let my sweet 15 year old friend suffer. You will eventually see you are so normal,and to let go of so much shame.

Anonymous Z-15 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 16 hours later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

Molly, sorry to bother you again. But what do you thing I should do to stop having the intrusive thoughts? Also, I can't stop going to the internet and findind stuff in yahoo answers or stuff like that about how they want to put in jail people at my age or younger for touching their siblings at their "Sleep".

I'm getting really paranoid they might were awake and might remember some day about this and I might hurt them and hurt me instantly... I don't want this to happen and ruin everything. I don't want to be known as the molester who ruined the family. But then I think my mother wouldn't think that of me and... Ughh, I just want to forget, and make sure they are okay and they will be okay forever.
Also, I too I'm agnostic Molly.

Also, I've been looking, look at this http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110713202955AAvWLaE

Why is people so twisted, if they get mad over this, what is the probability my cousins will do too?

Anonymous Z-16 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 9 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

Maybe they will think I'm a potential rapist or a pedophile. They will think I'm dangerous or something, and will try to get away from me, or have mixed feelings about me.

Or they might get a trauma and forget about it until some point in their lives.

Are you sure I don't need to apologize?

WonderfulClient joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 3 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I haven't read all the posts, so sorry if I missed something.

I just want to say I've been through many similar instances - a lot of child sexual exploration with children close to my age (dry humping and what not).
The worst of which was with my brother when I was about 9 and he was about 15 (worst of which I mean the age difference (I'm sure many people will say "he should have known better") and the fact that it was quite manipulative "I'll get you that glass from the top shelf of that cabinet if you do so and so sexual things with me")

The point is just to say that I would never ever think he's a potential rapist or pediphile or dangerous or try to get away from him.

So - that's just my experience, my opinion - they could think totally differently than me - but being an adult, looking back on something that happened that seems similar to what you did, I would never feel the way about my brother as you fear them feeling about you. I would think you don't need to apologize.

EDIT: I have to say that at times I have wondered about whether my brother remembers/what he thinks of it. For all I know, he could be going through the exact same dilemma you're going through (I'm 20, he's 26 now). I don't know if it was you who said this or someone on another thread that said this, but saying something like "just want you guys to know that I love you and I'm truly sorry if I've ever hurt you" would be ok.
I don't see any benefit in explicitly visiting the topic (i.e. "I'm not sure if you guys remember, but I did so and so when you guys were kids and I'm sorry for it") but if you feel the need to apologize, you can bring it up indirectly as I suggested, and apologize that way. If it's something that's troubling them, they'll probably know what you're referring to, and at that point it's up to them if they want to discuss it with you and share how they feel about it with you.

(Edited 3 minutes later.)

Anonymous Z-16 replied with this 5 years ago, 12 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> I haven't read all the posts, so sorry if I missed something.
>
> I just want to say I've been through many similar instances - a lot of child sexual exploration with children close to my age (dry humping and what not).
> The worst of which was with my brother when I was about 9 and he was about 15 (worst of which I mean the age difference (I'm sure many people will say "he should have known better") and the fact that it was quite manipulative "I'll get you that glass from the top shelf of that cabinet if you do so and so sexual things with me")
>
> The point is just to say that I would never ever think he's a potential rapist or pediphile or dangerous or try to get away from him.
>
> So - that's just my experience, my opinion - they could think totally differently than me - but being an adult, looking back on something that happened that seems similar to what you did, I would never feel the way about my brother as you fear them feeling about you. I would think you don't need to apologize.
>
> EDIT: I have to say that at times I have wondered about whether my brother remembers/what he thinks of it. For all I know, he could be going through the exact same dilemma you're going through (I'm 20, he's 26 now). I don't know if it was you who said this or someone on another thread that said this, but saying something like "just want you guys to know that I love you and I'm truly sorry if I've ever hurt you" would be ok.
> I don't see any benefit in explicitly visiting the topic (i.e. "I'm not sure if you guys remember, but I did so and so when you guys were kids and I'm sorry for it") but if you feel the need to apologize, you can bring it up indirectly as I suggested, and apologize that way. If it's something that's troubling them, they'll probably know what you're referring to, and at that point it's up to them if they want to discuss it with you and share how they feel about it with you.

I will probably do that... Thanks for the support.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

Thanks WT! That means a lot to me for you taking the time to help this kid. I couldn't think if a better person I wished you would say something.

OP. Remember we talked about"whatever you are afraid of you'll find it on the net"?

I see two problems now occurring in your life. 1)Extreme guilt.2)The start up of obsession to prove your fears are legit.

I can't make you do anything,but I strongly suggest stop looking for answers on the net. All you are doing is exploring the minds of countless people. Not one of those people,I would bet money on,is expressing something outside of their own distorted personal views,with fear being the culprit.

They won't help you figure out what your cousins might be thinking. I think THIS is where you should focus the work on letting go.

To prove my point about this. You just had WT who can easily represent a scenario with your future cousins. Hearing her side,with how she is more worried for her brother,and doesn't feel victomized..did that stop you from obsessing over what your cousins might think in the future?

Anonymous Z-19 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 2 hours later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> Thanks WT! That means a lot to me for you taking the time to help this kid. I couldn't think if a better person I wished you would say something.
>
> OP. Remember we talked about"whatever you are afraid of you'll find it on the net"?
>
> I see two problems now occurring in your life. 1)Extreme guilt.2)The start up of obsession to prove your fears are legit.
>
> I can't make you do anything,but I strongly suggest stop looking for answers on the net. All you are doing is exploring the minds of countless people. Not one of those people,I would bet money on,is expressing something outside of their own distorted personal views,with fear being the culprit.
>
> They won't help you figure out what your cousins might be thinking. I think THIS is where you should focus the work on letting go.
>
> To prove my point about this. You just had WT who can easily represent a scenario with your future cousins. Hearing her side,with how she is more worried for her brother,and doesn't feel victomized..did that stop you from obsessing over what your cousins might think in the future?

Thanks everyone again.

Well... To tell you the truth, I feel the same. She feels like that because she has been reading stuff like this, where they feel incredibly bad. I doubt they will be ever surfing this page, and I still think what I did to them is normally something BAD. If you tell whoever about it, they will say I'm a sick fuck.

When they learn what sexual abuse is, they will start fearing and hating me. And letting go is something I can't do... I would love to, but it is unethical...

Please, tell me if I am being irrational, but I've seen stories about girls that hate their 14 year old cousins when they did that to them, and how they ended up emotionally scarred. And why is this so sensitive, why was I so fucking dumb.

Is there a way to self induce amnesia? That way this pitiful me will die, and my family won't have to go through the pain of my suicide... If only...

I've been thinking in going with a therapist... But I'm afraid he will think I'm a pedophile or I'm twisted or judge me or tell my parents, what are the probabilities this will happen? What excuse should I put?

(Edited 1 hour later.)

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 2 hours later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

The therapist will not judge or tell your parents. He/she will have compassion like what I'm expressing.

Therapy is such a great idea. I bet your mom will be grateful to have at least a little clue on what's going on with you. Moms know when something is up.:)

I sure hope you ask your mom. Tell her you are suffering from irrational thoughts,and it's causing you to want to die. You might even feel relief telling your mom this.

Anonymous Z-20 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 29 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> The therapist will not judge or tell your parents. He/she will have compassion like what I'm expressing.
>
> Therapy is such a great idea. I bet your mom will be grateful to have at least a little clue on what's going on with you. Moms know when something is up.:)

I'll try and see what happens. I love you, will say tomorrow what happened if I get brave enough to do it :).

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 26 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Courage is the only road worth taking. You can do it. I love you too.:) W/b tomorrow

WonderfulClient joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 8 hours later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> We all know that your cousins were asleep, or else they would've gotten scared and told. That means they aren't damaged so you shouldn't be too.
I agree that there isn't a point in explicitly telling their cousins what happened.

But I really have to say that I've met many people that have been abused while they were "sleeping". This is more than likely not the case for OP, but it's very common for someone to pretend that they're sleeping while they're being abused and to never mention what happened. The whole "would've gotten scared and told" thing I feel isn't accurate, as I can't tell you how many people don't tell anyone about their abuse because they're scared.

Just want people to be aware of that - the fact that someone was sleeping or didn't tell anyone does not in any way mean that they don't know what happened to them or that they're not scared. If you look back in previous threads, you will find some posts about people who were abused while they were sleeping and never told anyone.

WonderfulClient double-posted this 5 years ago, 1 minute later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> Thanks WT! That means a lot to me for you taking the time to help this kid. I couldn't think if a better person I wished you would say something.
Thanks Molly!
Seriously, if you see something you'd like my input on in a thread, just put my name in there. I read just about every thread on here, so I'll probably see it, I just don't always realize I have something constructive to say.
And these days I'm so consumed with my thoughts on therapy that I find myself more drawn to those threads. But please, let me know when my input would be appreciated!

(Edited 15 seconds later.)

Anonymous Z-22 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 8 hours later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> > We all know that your cousins were asleep, or else they would've gotten scared and told. That means they aren't damaged so you shouldn't be too.
> I agree that there isn't a point in explicitly telling their cousins what happened.
>
> But I really have to say that I've met many people that have been abused while they were "sleeping". This is more than likely not the case for OP, but it's very common for someone to pretend that they're sleeping while they're being abused and to never mention what happened. The whole "would've gotten scared and told" thing I feel isn't accurate, as I can't tell you how many people don't tell anyone about their abuse because they're scared.
>
> Just want people to be aware of that - the fact that someone was sleeping or didn't tell anyone does not in any way mean that they don't know what happened to them or that they're not scared. If you look back in previous threads, you will find some posts about people who were abused while they were sleeping and never told anyone.

Why do you think is more than likely they don't know?

I'm so scared of saying I want to go to a therapist, I just couldn't, was about to tell my mother I wanted to, but froze. Ughh, I don't know what to do, and I don't like the word abuse in your post...

Anonymous Z-23 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 11 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

My investigation of everything has just led to more and more reasons to kill myself. I ruined two lives already, is there really a point in still living after this. It is against all I think, seriously there's no reason. No one will forgive me in my family, ever. No one. No one in real life will forgive me ever.
I should kill myself.

But that's also wrong, because I will be remembered as the psycho rapist who didn't try to do anything to redeem his life, and their life.

I need a way to heal those kids. If they remember, how damaged can they get by this? I don't think the therapist or anyone will help me through this.

(Edited 2 minutes later.)

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 6 hours later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Yes they can help,and will. Go tell your mom you need to speak to a therapist because you are overwhelmed with fear. NO need to tell her anything. Go tell her tonight.You can do this.

Everything you wrote is incorrect.Your thinking the very worst and its not reality. Im telling you...

Sifter replied with this 5 years ago, 14 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

I agree with Molly that you need to see a therapist about this, absolutely as soon as possible. You can tell your mom that you are feeling bad about yourself and you can't shake the bad feelings, and they are making it hard for you to live your life. Maybe tell her you don't understand what is going on or why this is happening, you just know you need to see someone to try and get some help.

Wonderful, can you advise on the legal situation if he explains this to a therapist? My understanding is that there is no risk here because he is clearly not a danger to any child. Is that right?

Sifter double-posted this 5 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

Anon, I think your situation is complex and I'm not surprised you are having difficulty with it. I am having difficulty myself figuring out exactly what the best way to approach it would be.

The problem is, this is a situation that can be interpreted in more than one way, and could have several different possible effects. Let me be very, very clear: I think you are a neat person, with a very strong conscience and sense of ethics. I think you have a great deal to offer the world, and I'd be horrified and upset if you killed yourself. What you did happened as part of your normal sexual development, before you had a strong sense of what this might mean in the world beyond a kid's urges in the here and now. That's normal for the stage of development you were at, and it's unfortunate indeed that what you did just happened to be so loaded out in the world.

I want to say something hard, but I want you to bear with me and keep reading, okay? DO NOT condemn yourself with what I am going to say. It is possible - *but not by any means certain* - that your cousins experienced this in a way that was uncomfortable or confusing, and that in the future they might even think of it as abuse.

It is very clear that this is not what you intended, and that you are not a pedophile or an abuser in your character, and I think that there will be ways to handle this and make sure that your cousins are happy, healthy, safe, and that they don't end up suffering from this. I think you need to talk to a professional to find the right way to do this, and I think sooner or later you may be able to confide in your mom too, to get her help - but if possible, I'd say go to a professional first.

So here's the plan I'm thinking would work.

1) Go to a therapist to make sure you have professional support and advice before you do anything. BUT - be very careful about the therapist you choose (we can help you with figuring this out) AND talk to them over quite a while to make sure they are liberal-minded and sensible before you tell them what happened.

2) Once you have established a good relationship with the therapist and talked through the problem with them, you may be able to talk privately to your mom. It could be that you can explain to her that you think when you were younger you might have been 'silly' or 'dumb' when playing with your cousins, that you didn't know what you were doing then, and you're scared you might have hurt them or confused them in some way. Hopefully this will be enough to start the conversation with her support. From there you should be able to explain that you feel really terrible about what happened, that it was just innocent curiosity from your end but you want to make sure that they are okay, and that you didn't hurt them. If anything goes wrong in this conversation and she gets upset, you have professional back-up, and you can ask her to come see the therapist with you to talk about this and figure it out. (Another option is to actually have the conversation with her in the therapist's office in the first place.)

3) Once you have support inside the family and outside the family, you may be able to have a pretty light-hearted conversation with your cousins, to check out if they are okay. I would do this in a slightly different way to the conversation with your mom. You could say that you think sometimes when you were a bit younger you were kind of dumb and immature in the way that you played with them, and that you hope you didn't do anything that they remembered badly. Tell them that you think they're great and you'd never want them to feel bad, and you'd hope they'd let you know if they did.

It may be that it's better to wait until they're adults to have this kind of conversation - so this is something you need to talk to the therapist about.

I want to make some things very clear about the differences between this and what people usually experience as sexual abuse. Sexual abusers manipulate their victims. They use coercion, threats, secrecy, bribery and all kinds of mind-games to get away with what they are doing. They are looking for ways to keep doing what they are doing, and that might mean deliberately making the victims feel bad, or good, confusing them, scaring them, etc. The general pattern of relationship is unhealthy and unequal, because when it comes down to it, they don't actually *see* or give a shit about the victim at all - they are only interested in their freedom to abuse. This is a large, large part of what makes sexual abuse so damaging for victims.

None of this is operating in your relationship with your cousins. IF they were to remember and feel bad about what happened, it would be because they are confused about the meaning of what happened, and possibly about your intention. This is one of the reasons why it's important for you to get into therapy. You need to be able to keep relating normally to your cousins, without your fear and guilt twisting the relationship. And that means forgiving yourself and finding peace.

I hope this helps.

Anonymous Z-24 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 18 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> Anon, I think your situation is complex and I'm not surprised you are having difficulty with it. I am having difficulty myself figuring out exactly what the best way to approach it would be.
>
> The problem is, this is a situation that can be interpreted in more than one way, and could have several different possible effects. Let me be very, very clear: I think you are a neat person, with a very strong conscience and sense of ethics. I think you have a great deal to offer the world, and I'd be horrified and upset if you killed yourself. What you did happened as part of your normal sexual development, before you had a strong sense of what this might mean in the world beyond a kid's urges in the here and now. That's normal for the stage of development you were at, and it's unfortunate indeed that what you did just happened to be so loaded out in the world.
>
> I want to say something hard, but I want you to bear with me and keep reading, okay? DO NOT condemn yourself with what I am going to say. It is possible - *but not by any means certain* - that your cousins experienced this in a way that was uncomfortable or confusing, and that in the future they might even think of it as abuse.
>
> It is very clear that this is not what you intended, and that you are not a pedophile or an abuser in your character, and I think that there will be ways to handle this and make sure that your cousins are happy, healthy, safe, and that they don't end up suffering from this. I think you need to talk to a professional to find the right way to do this, and I think sooner or later you may be able to confide in your mom too, to get her help - but if possible, I'd say go to a professional first.
>
> So here's the plan I'm thinking would work.
>
> 1) Go to a therapist to make sure you have professional support and advice before you do anything. BUT - be very careful about the therapist you choose (we can help you with figuring this out) AND talk to them over quite a while to make sure they are liberal-minded and sensible before you tell them what happened.
>
> 2) Once you have established a good relationship with the therapist and talked through the problem with them, you may be able to talk privately to your mom. It could be that you can explain to her that you think when you were younger you might have been 'silly' or 'dumb' when playing with your cousins, that you didn't know what you were doing then, and you're scared you might have hurt them or confused them in some way. Hopefully this will be enough to start the conversation with her support. From there you should be able to explain that you feel really terrible about what happened, that it was just innocent curiosity from your end but you want to make sure that they are okay, and that you didn't hurt them. If anything goes wrong in this conversation and she gets upset, you have professional back-up, and you can ask her to come see the therapist with you to talk about this and figure it out. (Another option is to actually have the conversation with her in the therapist's office in the first place.)
>
> 3) Once you have support inside the family and outside the family, you may be able to have a pretty light-hearted conversation with your cousins, to check out if they are okay. I would do this in a slightly different way to the conversation with your mom. You could say that you think sometimes when you were a bit younger you were kind of dumb and immature in the way that you played with them, and that you hope you didn't do anything that they remembered badly. Tell them that you think they're great and you'd never want them to feel bad, and you'd hope they'd let you know if they did.
>
> It may be that it's better to wait until they're adults to have this kind of conversation - so this is something you need to talk to the therapist about.
>
> I want to make some things very clear about the differences between this and what people usually experience as sexual abuse. Sexual abusers manipulate their victims. They use coercion, threats, secrecy, bribery and all kinds of mind-games to get away with what they are doing. They are looking for ways to keep doing what they are doing, and that might mean deliberately making the victims feel bad, or good, confusing them, scaring them, etc. The general pattern of relationship is unhealthy and unequal, because when it comes down to it, they don't actually *see* or give a shit about the victim at all - they are only interested in their freedom to abuse. This is a large, large part of what makes sexual abuse so damaging for victims.
>
> None of this is operating in your relationship with your cousins. IF they were to remember and feel bad about what happened, it would be because they are confused about the meaning of what happened, and possibly about your intention. This is one of the reasons why it's important for you to get into therapy. You need to be able to keep relating normally to your cousins, without your fear and guilt twisting the relationship. And that means forgiving yourself and finding peace.
>
> I hope this helps.

Well, thank you so, so much for taking the time on writing a big, clear and sincere answer like that.

I've been debating to myself over this, and over and over and over for the past two weeks, and I've come to similar conclusions to you, but as you say it is diffucult to know if a therapist will accept this as normal or as wicked. The therapist I had 1 year ago was a kind person, used to browse a lot in the web and read investigations about many things. He seemed really open minded about sex, as he told me several times if I watched porn or if I was homosexual. But, this is clearly something different, and it might be risky to talk openly with him about what I did. Anyways, If I have to go to a therapist, my mom WILL send me with that guy, because he has a Ph. D in family therapy and I don't know what other kind of studies. He is really professional it seems.

But I think it's really, really risky... That's why I'm so scared. I live in Mexico if that helps...

Also, again thank for trusting in me. I'll kill myself if everything is lost, not by my thoughts. First I have to try to fix what I did with my life, after I fix (Or not) I'll think about it.

(Edited 11 minutes later.)

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 15 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

I just wrote to WT about your situation. Law is her thing. If she knows,she'll w/b.

Sifter replied with this 5 years ago, 1 minute later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
You're welcome, Anon. I think you're right that to some degree this is risky. Probably not as risky as it feels to you, but yes, risky. But it's also necessary, given how you feel, so I think the risk needs to be taken. You can make it considerably less risky with the choice of person and the way you approach it.

So, the person you saw a year ago - was he religious or affiliated with a church? Are there any other organisations he's affiliated to? Does he have a website? If you put a short quote from his website here and then edit it out later I can do a search from the quote, find him, and give you my thoughts on what I find.

Anonymous Z-24 replied with this 5 years ago, 25 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> You're welcome, Anon. I think you're right that to some degree this is risky. Probably not as risky as it feels to you, but yes, risky. But it's also necessary, given how you feel, so I think the risk needs to be taken. You can make it considerably less risky with the choice of person and the way you approach it.
>
> So, the person you saw a year ago - was he religious or affiliated with a church? Are there any other organisations he's affiliated to? Does he have a website? If you put a short quote from his website here and then edit it out later I can do a search from the quote, find him, and give you my thoughts on what I find.

He's not religious at all. He's affiliated to the state I think, he doesn't have a website. I would need to ask to my mother for that, because I don't remember the name...

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> I just wrote to WT about your situation. Law is her thing. If she knows,she'll w/b.

Thanks Molly :).

Anonymous Z-25 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

I discovered a therapist would report me to the police if they find out about child abuse.

Better don't go to the psychologist.

Anonymous Z-26 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 32 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

Sorry, but I can't stand living. I feel like a piece of shit, I can't enjoy anything anymore. Anything at all. I'm completely alone with this, I'm a criminal, whatever I say this won't change the criminal act. No one can help me. No one would support a criminal, if I'm 14 the law see me already as someone responsible. And this might be true. Sorry for everything.

Sifter replied with this 5 years ago, 32 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

OP, please ignore (Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.) this poster may well be a troll. They have said nothing about precisely what information they got or how they got it. Just be calm. We will find ways to work this out. Please read my earlier post again - nothing has changed since then.

Anonymous Z-27 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 4 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> OP, please ignore (Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.) this poster may well be a troll. They have said nothing about precisely what information they got or how they got it. Just be calm. We will find ways to work this out. Please read my earlier post again - nothing has changed since then.

That poster was no one but me, OP. I found out that is a duty for therapists to report child abusers to the police.

Sifter replied with this 5 years ago, 6 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

Further to what I wrote before:

1) You need to get VERY clear in your head that what happened does not make you a child abuser. IF in the very worst case (and very unlikely) scenario, someone thought you were a criminal and the law treated you that way, then it would be an absolute failure of the criminal justice system. Let's do our best to work out a way to handle this so that that doesn't happen.

2) IF you live in a place where a therapist would be legally obliged to report a past 'child abuse' even where the children are in no current danger, there are still ways you can get help. Finding the right therapist is important, but also checking their belief system and approach out thoroughly is another step. And presenting things in hypotheticals is another step. This way you stay in control of your information, and don't put yourself at risk. Chances are that a decent therapist would NOT see this as abuse, and would have ways to help you get back to feeling good about yourself, and making sure your cousins are okay. But you can do a lot to make sure that that is going to be the case before you take any risk.

Sifter double-posted this 5 years ago, 2 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

Please also note that you have told your story to a place full of strangers and no one here thinks you are a child abuser. Your thinking 'no one would support me, no one would help me' is wrong.

Sifter joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 3 hours later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

OP, I'm also thinking its possible to have help from a therapist without telling them what happened at all.

But I'm going to ask you to do two things for me. One is to let us know as soon as you see this that you are okay - as in, physically safe.

The other is to promise us that you will not harm yourself physically without coming here to talk through your decisions first, or until you have spoken to a therapist to thoroughly check out the options there.

WonderfulClient joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

Sifter, I have to say, you have really amazed me on this bored lately. I'm really happy you're here, and really glad this kid has your advice.

WonderfulClient double-posted this 5 years ago, 32 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

Sorry guys, I am on my way to vacation and wasn't checking the board - luckily Molly sent me a FB message I got on my phone so I came to check this thread out.

First of all, it is illegal for me to give free legal advice, so know that this is not in any way legal advice, just a compilation of some information I'm aware of.

The law is never black or white; it is almost impossible to say in a situation like this what would happen. I'm also much more familiar with relevant laws and cases in Canada and the US and am driving right now so I don't have access to resources to figure out what relevant laws there are in Mexico.
This would be harder for you in Canada and the US than Mexico, based on my experience of living in Mexico when I was younger and my experiences with the law there (i.e. they don't give a shit about much).
In Canada and the US, the most common thing you'll find if you look this up is either that psychologists must report any child abuse (past or possible future) or that they must only report potential future abuse (i.e. in some places they won't report anything that's happened in the past, as long as the psychologist feels it will not happen again in the future).
I assume the laws are similar in Mexico (and you wrote above that they are) that child sexual abuse has to be reported.

However, I can tell you from experience that the actual written law on these subjects matters much less than the psychologist you see.
Almost all of these laws are based on what the psychologist "feels" about the situation - i.e. if the psychologist "feels" the client is likely to do this again.
There are so many little intricacies involved in determining when a psychologist has to report (does the psychologist know the name of the person this person is planning on harming or is it just a general threat? how long ago did it happen? is the client still in contact with the "victim"?)
For example, in my situation, where I live, looking at it from a completely neutral perspective, technically S was obligated to report what happened to me. However, he did not (as he always said "I'm on your side" - I assume if you see a decent therapist, he will feel the same way about your situation). Therefore, you cannot simply look at the law or regulations and say whether or not a psychologist will report, and none of us can tell you with certainty whether a psychologist you see will want to report you (sorry).

I can tell you based on my experiences with psychologists and the law in Canada and the Mexico as well as common sense that there is virtually no chance whatsoever of you facing legal repercussions. Therefore, while I understand your fears, I think they are exaggerated. You did not actually do anything illegal. It is possible (tiny chance) that the psychologist may want to report it to the police (since, as I said, the decision to report is ultimately up to how that particular psychologist feels about/views the situation), but again, you won't face legal repercussions.

The more likely scenario, if anything at all were to happen, is that the psychologist would feel it necessary to warn the parents of your cousins (this is much more likely to happen if you were in Canada/US than Mexico - from my very limited knowledge on Mexican laws).

However, and again, my knowledge of the law in Mexico is limited, and I have virtually no knowledge of psychological services in Mexico (maybe Dr. Robert can help out here? it would be helpful to hear what he would do in this situation), I would think almost for sure that if you have a half-decent psychologist and you talk to him the way you've talked to us, he will recognize, as we all have, that you are not a child abuser, you were experimenting, and I cannot imagine he would report it.
Again, even if he did, you would not face legal repercussions, it would be a matter of having to face it directly with your cousins/mom (which is not the end of the world, since you were considering talking to your cousins about it).


All that said (and sorry there's no real good advice in there at all), the point is that it all depends on the psychologist.

My suggestion is to follow exactly what Sifter advised you to do (her long post, don't want to copy it here).

No one can guarantee you that a psychologist won't report it - even if it were not required to report child abuse, you could still find an idiot psychologist that thinks you're a "danger" and that would go report it. Hence why the law rarely matters, and I'm not much more help than anyone else on here is.

For this reason, I suggest doing as Sifter said, make sure you find a decent psychologist, and take your time with him - there is no reason to instantly go into the details of what happened with your cousins. Talk about your suicidal ideation (as Sifter said, you don't even need to mention the abuse to get help with it) and you don't even ever need to go into the details of the abuse - you can simply talk about the fact that you did something silly when you were younger that you feel a tremendous amount of guilt over, and he can help you deal with that guilt.

But please, please, please, do go see a therapist and do not kill yourself.
There's no risk involved in going to see a therapist - he only knows what you tell him - so if you want to go and simply talk about the way that you're feeling and not talk about what happened with your cousins, then there is no risk of it ever being reported. At least do that.
And then, if you get comfortable with him, and you trust him (for example I know my therapist well enough now to know he would never report such a thing), then you can take your time and open up more with the details.
I cannot think of a single reason (other than the fact that it takes a lot of courage, but I know you have that courage inside of you) why you should not at least go see a therapist. You do not have to tell him about what happened unless you want to - you go see him, and you talk about whatever you want. Maybe you will feel comfortable enough to talk about what happened, maybe you won't. But at least you will have tried, and that should do a great deal to help your conscience.

To be honest, I would think a therapist is much more likely to report you for your suicidal ideation than for what happened with your cousins. Any half-decent therapist would know that's not abuse and wouldn't report it.

(Edited 10 minutes later.)

WonderfulClient triple-posted this 5 years ago, 19 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> Why do you think is more than likely they don't know?
>
> I'm so scared of saying I want to go to a therapist, I just couldn't, was about to tell my mother I wanted to, but froze. Ughh, I don't know what to do, and I don't like the word abuse in your post...

OP, we can't tell you whether or not your cousins know. Even if you asked them, you wouldn't know. Only they know for sure.
You are exaggerating (justifiably considering your guilt) the consequences of your action. Yes, there are SMALL chances that they remember this and are going to feel hurt by it. But I think it is a huge exaggeration to say that you have ruined their lives. It is sad that it happened, and it is even sadder if they remember it and feel hurt by it, but I can assure you that it did not ruin their lives, and there is nothing you can do about it now to change it (killing yourself will not change what already happened).

As for the comment about abuse, read my post, it was written to Jake, and it was not a comment about your behaviour, but a general comment that it is possible for people to be abused while they're sleeping. I in no way implied that this is what happened in your scenario, because I really and truly believe that this was not abuse, but I wanted to explain to Jake that, in general, it is very common for people who are being abused while they are in bed to pretend they are sleeping (I am talking about more serious abuse, not experimentation as was your case).

Anonymous Z-30 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 3 hours later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

I won't kill myself, I maybe wanted to, but doing it is just dumb.

Well, after reading all of your opinions on the matter I'm much more calm with myself. Thanks everyone in here for the support, I don't feel like a criminal anymore.

Now my only concern are my cousins. I decided that a therapist is too, too risky and could ruin everything. If he reports it to my aunt and uncle I could not see my cousins ever again and it will create a family drama. And if he reports it to the police even worse (I mean, even if I don't get in jail, this will cause a lot of sound, and even if it's not bad at all what I did, my family would scandalize and demonize me. I mean, maybe my close family, brothers, sisters parents wouldn't think I'm bad, but my aunts uncles and all of that would HATE me forever). I don't want to create a family drama, as we've just went through one of those and it wasn't very pleasant.

Again, thanks WonderfulClient, Sifter, Molly for taking the time to make a stranger happy, and for trusting in me.

So, just this question for you, do you think it is really necessary to go to a therapist? I think I can deal with the problems inside my head myself. The only problem are my cousins, and I guess if I tell the therapist just about my guilt it wouldn't fix anything in real life, it would just sort out things in my head.

And I think people in here are very good therapists. I know I'm not a criminal, I know what I did was just experimentation, thanks for putting that in my head. But I need just a way to understand how my cousins feel about it, how to apologize if they feel bad about it, how to make everything normal again, and that's just what I need. My point is, I don't want to create such a terrible drama because for something that might've been not hurtful for anyone at all. Doing this might be a very big mistake, I hope you understand how I feel. And also, my parents are short on money right now so they will be really insistent on why I want to go to the therapist and "I want to kill myself" would be ridiculuos for them, as they would think I'm just depressed for something dumb.

Also, I know the kids are healthy now, and they still love me, a lot. They come all smiley to me and ask me to play whenever they are here. They're 9 and 8 right now. But it's kind of hurtful that they will someday remember and see me as a traitor...

(Edited 44 seconds later.)

Anonymous Z-31 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

I want to make it up for them. Giving them a present or something so they know I'm sorry, even if they do not remember. But what words to use so it's not manipulative? Thanks

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

This post is very pleasing to read,for it seems you are getting a good grasp on reality.
A therapist is suppose to help you do just that,but if you stay focused,you can do that here as well.

You know you are getting a good grasp on how it was innocent,but to take it one step further in having compassion for yourself,you and your siblings have not had boundaries with personal space. Of course I do not know much about your history,but you did mention you were the younger of your siblings messing around a bit in experimenting. There were never clear boundaries set so it seems.You really should see where compassion for you should be a must,during those cousin sleep overs. There was zero bad intentions,mixed with a NOT good understanding on what your actions 'could' cause. If you have never had that talk,or have been shown boundaries,how could an adolescent mind know that?
Anyway,I too am grateful for WT,and Sifter for helping you.

You are CLEARLY an amazing kid. The odds TO ME do not seem likely that anything traumatic is going to come out of this for your cousins.

I was worried for a while you were going to kill yourself,and at that point,you would have devestated everyone. Whether you believe this or not,countless people need you. There are many people who are not in your life YET who need you. Hang in there. Life is HARD,but its all we got got isn't it?:) love ya kid!

(Edited 10 minutes later.)

Anonymous Z-32 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 3 hours later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> This post is very pleasing to read,for it seems you are getting a good grasp on reality.
> A therapist is suppose to help you do just that,but if you stay focused,you can do that here as well.
>
> You know you are getting a good grasp on how it was innocent,but to take it one step further in having compassion for yourself,you and your siblings have not had boundaries with personal space. Of course I do not know much about your history,but you did mention you were the younger of your siblings messing around a bit in experimenting. There were never clear boundaries set so it seems.You really should see where compassion for you should be a must,during those cousin sleep overs. There was zero bad intentions,mixed with a NOT good understanding on what your actions 'could' cause. If you have never had that talk,or have been shown boundaries,how could an adolescent mind know that?
> Anyway,I too am grateful for WT,and Sifter for helping you.
>
> You are CLEARLY an amazing kid. The odds TO ME do not seem likely that anything traumatic is going to come out of this for your cousins.
>
> I was worried for a while you were going to kill yourself,and at that point,you would have devestated everyone. Whether you believe this or not,countless people need you. There are many people who are not in your life YET who need you. Hang in there. Life is HARD,but its all we got got isn't it?:) love ya kid!

Thanks Molly. But still, things like this are so real: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081104214038AATgJ5i http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110215112450AAOFAns

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110322023755AAoUkNf Look at the best answer guy's story. My life could end up like that if I don't act well. Why is this world so fucking complicated.

http://abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/story?id=3483364&page=2#.UDlhLcGTuHM And yet there's this

"Compared to their adult counterparts, teen sex offenders are relatively unlikely to commit sex crimes again, said Mark Chaffin, head of the Center on Child Abuse and Neglect at the University of Oklahoma and research director of the National Center on the Sexual Behavior of Youth.

Many younger teens are too young to have developed sexual tendencies and may be experimenting or acting out, said Chaffin. They are not much more likely than any other juvenile delinquent to commit a sex crime, he said. Some studies have shown that teen sex offenders have recidivism rates of 10 percent to 15 percent."

Ans this http://www.juvjustice.org/media/fckeditor/Fact%20SheetYouth%20Offenders.pdf

(Edited 17 minutes later.)

Anonymous Z-33 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 40 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

I mean, it really is sad that people tends to demonize teens and childs that act out in this way. It truly is Adult fear what makes it this bad, the world needs awareness in this and stop making it such a taboo. The world needs, definitely to change. I mean, I might not be anyone to talk about this because I was the "Abuser" but still, making a teenager or child life hell just because something stupid he did at that age? Really?

So, what should I do now. I mean, I feel completely normal and I don't think I'm a danger or that I was a danger or that I need to be treated differently. If something like that happens I will really, really kill myself.

I need to help out my cousins through this if they do remember. What can I do?

Also, why do you think some people takes this so serious and some do not even care? Like WT which forgives his brother, and I've read some other places in the web where they just forget and never had problems in their life.

Also, I'll stop taking serious yahoo. http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081120203745AAhNIlB
They get scandalized for anything.

(Edited 17 minutes later.)

Anonymous Z-34 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 2 hours later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

Couldn't edit my post anyways update:

I was just thinking: My cousins would never think bad of me. Never, I spent my entire childhood being their friend, since they were just learning to talk. And, I mean, if I apologize they will understand what happened. I don't know why I had this kind of thoughts. I mean, this will be just something dumb that happened and it doesn't need to be traumatic if I talk with them about what happened without them getting confused, don't you think? And compensate them in some way, as molly said, talking with them about their problems, or maybe gifting them something (I don't use my 3ds that much, but maybe I'd get questioned why am I giving it to them). But right now they are completely normal and happy going and still want to sleepover here and play with me and my brothers (Yes I am the younger in my house). The problem is that they're so young... Last time they came and I asked them for their age it seriously impressed me. I thought they were bigger than what I thought, but when they said "NINE! EIGHT!" I couldn't believe it.

I had a mental image they were really close to my age, I guess I've really changed in this past months.

Thanks everyone for clearing up my mind and making me see reality, for taking the time on writing all that for a stranger with weird tendencies. Thanks Molly, you are a really good, smart and wise girl, thanks WT and sifter for taking the time on writing those big messages just for clearing up my doubts and helping me.

I mean, I can't say how thankful am I with all of you, and I won't get tired on saying it. Thanks for saving my life.

(Edited 1 minute later.)

Sifter replied with this 5 years ago, 58 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

Hi OP,

I'm so glad you seem to have turned the corner on this. That's awesome, and I think it's quite right that your cousins wouldn't think bad of you. I think the thing that probably makes the difference between abuse and experimentation in these kinds of situations is the background of relationship - whether someone means to be hurtful or not. You can see that in the links you posted above - these things happening persistently in harmful relationships with someone who should know better, as opposed to coming up incidentally in an otherwise healthy relationship. You're definitely not a danger, that is clear, and you're not going to somehow magically turn into a pedophile or sex abuser because this happened. I don't think you need to buy your cousins anything or do anything to compensate - that would probably just confuse things - what they need is for you to just keep being their loving cousin, being at peace with yourself and the fact that you meant no harm at all.

Talking to them doesn't need to be traumatic if you find the right way to have the conversation. But I don't think you HAVE to talk to them about it either. After all - for all anyone knows, you could have been asleep too. It's up to you.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 5 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> Hi OP,
>
> I'm so glad you seem to have turned the corner on this. That's awesome, and I think it's quite right that your cousins wouldn't think bad of you. I think the thing that probably makes the difference between abuse and experimentation in these kinds of situations is the background of relationship - whether someone means to be hurtful or not. You can see that in the links you posted above - these things happening persistently in harmful relationships with someone who should know better, as opposed to coming up incidentally in an otherwise healthy relationship. You're definitely not a danger, that is clear, and you're not going to somehow magically turn into a pedophile or sex abuser because this happened. I don't think you need to buy your cousins anything or do anything to compensate - that would probably just confuse things - what they need is for you to just keep being their loving cousin, being at peace with yourself and the fact that you meant no harm at all.
>
> Talking to them doesn't need to be traumatic if you find the right way to have the conversation. But I don't think you HAVE to talk to them about it either. After all - for all anyone knows, you could have been asleep too. It's up to you.

This was so well written,spot on,that I pasted it for you to read again,so it can sink in.:) Every time you feel scared/lost about this situation,read this yet again.

Anonymous Z-35 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 41 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

I love you both, you are wonderful persons. I really didn't expect someone on the web to be this helpful and trustful to some anonymous. This world is full of surprises and amazing people.

I think it's time to move on with my life and say goodbye (But of course, if someone is willing to help out more I will read it). Hope we can meet, even if it's not likely, in real life some day. You people are amazing, being in this kind of forum just to help out confused people like me is something we all should admire. I think that all you want right now is my well being and to live. And that's what I will do, I think that's the best way to be thankful to you (Since I really can't do better). I have to say I'm in peace again, and I'll try to do anything to help others be in peace too.

Seriously, you people rock.

Sifter replied with this 5 years ago, 22 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

Big hug for you, kiddo. That's exactly what we want. Take care, live well and come back if you need to, ok?

Anonymous Z-36 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 20 hours later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

Sorry for bothering again. But I can't quite put the topic out of my head, I can't live normally and I act too passive around life. I'm quite active really, but I'm not the same person after starting this guilt. I can't see straight my familiars, my mother or my dad, thinking what would they think of me if they knew what I did.
Anyways, I can't but think that I need to talk to my cousins about it so they don't grow with a twisted vision of life, or maybe when they get to be teenagers (Assuming they would remember) Start to think terrible of me after what they understand. Maybe if I do so I will be able to take the topic out of my head.

But I don't know how to talk to them, what to say, how to say. I really think it is of high importance to talk about it, could anyone explaiin why it might be not important? I mean, I don't know.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

If you talk to them,be vague like,"Do you guys ever remember if we played in the middle of the night? see what they say...Then say," I was just wondering,because I can't remember if I was dreaming or we actually did."

I personally would not use ANY words like,touch,rub,or anything sexual,because then you now run the risk of getting that stuck in their heads as well...for no reason.

Molly double-posted this 5 years ago, 1 minute later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

And look at facial expressions. Facial expressions tell the truth more then words. If they seem uncomfortable,then they might know. If they seem confused they probably don't know.

Anonymous Z-37 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 48 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> If you talk to them,be vague like,"Do you guys ever remember if we played in the middle of the night? see what they say...Then say," I was just wondering,because I can't remember if I was dreaming or we actually did."
>
> I personally would not use ANY words like,touch,rub,or anything sexual,because then you now run the risk of getting that stuck in their heads as well...for no reason.

Yeah, using any kind of sexual or touching words would be bad.

So you think they won'r have any "Trusting" problems or sexual problems in their life after this? Or flashbacks?
Is it possible to evit them to become traumatized?

Anonymous Z-38 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 33 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> The only "flashback" they may have is imagined by them due to the thoughts you implant in their heads by being specific. Don't be specific.
>
> Vaugeness is good.

But I mean, traumatized for what I already did, and having flashbacks of it. I want it to not grow into a trauma by calming them.

At this rate I feel like I am the one getting PTSD. Because I do have flashbacks.

(Edited 45 seconds later.)

Sifter joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 6 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
OP, I really feel like you need therapeutic guidance with this. At the moment it seems like your anxiety calms for a while and then it comes back. That's okay, but you need to get some help by talking to a professional. You're actually in a good position to do this because you have already seen a psychologist before, and you know that guy a bit and he seems decent.

What did you see him for before? You can always tell your mom that you're having that same trouble again a bit and you want to go back for a while. Then when you see him just sound him out for a while without describing the exact problem.

Anonymous Z-40 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 12 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> OP, I really feel like you need therapeutic guidance with this. At the moment it seems like your anxiety calms for a while and then it comes back. That's okay, but you need to get some help by talking to a professional. You're actually in a good position to do this because you have already seen a psychologist before, and you know that guy a bit and he seems decent.
>
> What did you see him for before? You can always tell your mom that you're having that same trouble again a bit and you want to go back for a while. Then when you see him just sound him out for a while without describing the exact problem.

I can go through this by myself. I saw him before because of depression, I didn't want to go to school. I refused and refused, because well, I had anxiety attacks and thought everyone was looking at me making fun of me. Paranoia, and if someone made a joke I would die inside. But yeah, it stopped and the therapist wasn't the one that helped me out, I said to my parents I wanted to change schools and well, after many hours of writing stuff, drawing, staying awake I just found myself... I can't really explain it, but started being really social and completely changed, not really by the help of the therapist. The school was little and I got to be friends with everyone, and I mean, I was really, really insecure before. And if I could change my nature before, I can do it again I think. A week ago I was devastated, now I'm just a little unsure but it'll go away. My only problem is them. I would be a egoistical if I didn't feel concerned about them after all. So I don't think is a big problem.

Also, we have (In my family) manic depressive tendencies. So it might be that (The anxiety coming back and leaving), and I can deal with it.

Thanks for the concern, but really, we're really short on money, I don't think it's really necessary.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 2 hours later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Wow! That's really great you found yourself through writing/drawing. I imagine you as a person who feels deeply. If this is true,you are great at compassion,and empathy,which once you understand your anxiety,you are free my friend.;)

I was not surprised by you telling Sifter about your anxiety problem. It's reacurring yet again,but a different scenario. I know you are thinking that these two thing(school experience/cousin experience) aren't related,but I think they are. They are related by your anxiety. I'm sure your feelings were the same with school(hopelessness,suicidal thoughts,despair)as they are with thinking about your cousins.

You are now trying to figure out how to 'fix'this situation with your cousins,instead of working on how to let go of control. Control you don't even have by the way.

There is nothing left to say about your cousins and the situation there. If you reread all the post,you'll see what I mean by that.

Now I see your anxiety(which is fear of loosing control over a situation).

If you agree,I'll help you figure out how to let go of anxiety,as this is my specialty. I have overcome anxiety,and depression.

But as far as your cousins go. I honestly think they are sleeping well in their beds,happily dreaming,and the only suffering going on is yours. But I have a feeling you are never going to feel reassured about this until you let go of anxiety/fear.

(Edited 1 minute later.)

Anonymous Z-41 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> Wow! That's really great you found yourself through writing/drawing. I imagine you as a person who feels deeply. If this is true,you are great at compassion,and empathy,which once you understand your anxiety,you are free my friend.;)
>
> I was not surprised by you telling Sifter about your anxiety problem. It's reacurring yet again,but a different scenario. I know you are thinking that these two thing(school experience/cousin experience) aren't related,but I think they are. They are related by your anxiety. I'm sure your feelings were the same with school(hopelessness,suicidal thoughts,despair)as they are with thinking about your cousins.
>
> You are now trying to figure out how to 'fix'this situation with your cousins,instead of working on how to let go of control. Control you don't even have by the way.
>
> There is nothing left to say about your cousins and the situation there. If you reread all the post,you'll see what I mean by that.
>
> Now I see your anxiety(which is fear of loosing control over a situation).
>
> If you agree,I'll help you figure out how to let go of anxiety,as this is my specialty. I have overcome anxiety,and depression.
>
> But as far as your cousins go. I honestly think they are sleeping well in their beds,happily dreaming,and the only suffering going on is yours. But I have a feeling you are never going to feel reassured about this until you let go of anxiety/fear.

When all those things about school happened you don't know how many irrational thoughts I had. My understanding of life was terrible, everything was terribly distorted, I couldn't think clearly and yeah, I was suicidal like I was in this situation. Yeah, the feelings are really, really familiar Molly, I also believe they are related.

But honestly, my cousins are sleeping happily right now. I know it, because they don't understand what happened (Again, if they do remember) and their love and trust for me stops them from thinking something wrong happened. But when they start to know about sexuality, they will start feeling uncomfortable with this, they might develop PTSD. I don't think this is an irrational thought, is pretty reasonable, and is a concern for their life. More than anxiety, all this thoughts are a concern for them. I really love them, and they are really young for handling this.

decka joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 26 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

As others have mentioned I think you should see a professional, but I think the reason you should seek help is for obsessional thinking.

I'm not a qualified expert but some of the stuff you mentioned in your last post about worrying about people getting PTSD is typical thinking of 'Responsibility OCD'. You might not have full blown OCD but there's an obsessional way of thinking in your posts - you have a thought about something in the past and feel extreme anxiety/guilt, then you post to get reassurance to help soothe the feelings.

This reassurance helps a while but sooner or later the mind will think of an exception to the reassurance and you will feel bad again and it becomes a perpetual cycle.

A professional can help you deal with the anxiety/guilt in a way that you learn to tolerate the discomfort until it abates on its own, without you compulsively seeking relief, which is only temporary anyway. Over time this type of therapy usually helps a lot with obsessional thinking.

(Edited 29 seconds later.)

Anonymous Z-43 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 22 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> As others have mentioned I think you should see a professional, but I think the reason you should seek help is for obsessional thinking.
>
> I'm not a qualified expert but some of the stuff you mentioned in your last post about worrying about people getting PTSD is typical thinking of 'Responsibility OCD'. You might not have full blown OCD but there's an obsessional way of thinking in your posts - you have a thought about something in the past and feel extreme anxiety/guilt, then you post to get reassurance to help soothe the feelings.
>
> This reassurance helps a while but sooner or later the mind will think of an exception to the reassurance and you will feel bad again and it becomes a perpetual cycle.
>
> A professional can help you deal with the anxiety/guilt in a way that you learn to tolerate the discomfort until it abates on its own, without you compulsively seeking relief, which is only temporary anyway. Over time this type of therapy usually helps a lot with obsessional thinking.

Wow, I need to say Responsibility OCD is something I might have. Is weird when you something you are not aware of completely describes you, I feel sad and generic when that happens. It has happened with Bipolar disorder ADHD, a little of asperger but if I keep digging I have a little of everything... Yet, it seems to be really accurate what you say.

But STILL after all of that, the well being of those kids is as important as my Responsibility disorder might go. And I don't see it as a disorder, but as empathy and caring for them. I mean, what I did is really unusual, I might not care as much by a different situation.

Thanks for the help, I might look more deep into that disorder...

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 7 hours later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

I too can see your thoughts being out of proportion with reality. A worried,tormented mind would think,

"But when they start to know about sexuality, they will start feeling uncomfortable with this, they might develop PTSD."

OK...There is empathy for your cousins,and there is irrational fear for your cousins. Do not get the two confused. Your irrational fear is NOT having empathy for them.

That would be like(I have 3 small kids) me not letting my 6 year old ride his bike on our street,due to fear he might get kidnapped. I am not having empathy for him then,I am putting my irrational fears onto him. Make sense? This is what you are doing with your cousins. Although it is hard for you to see that since you are functioning from that fearful mind. That is why it was really smart for you to get outside RATIONAL thinking opinions on this forum. Better yet,it's best to have an actual therapist,but I understand not having money.

Were you officially diagnosed with BPD,ADHA,and asperger by a psychiatrist?

Anonymous Z-44 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 3 hours later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

Nope, they are all suspicions of me. I always see very similar symptoms to all of those in myself, but don't really think I have them.
Anyways, I'll report if I see something wrong with them. This day was the most normal for me, I feel okay again, just have some unwanted thoughts from times to times but yeah... They will go away in a week or less.

(Edited 36 seconds later.)

Anonymous Z-45 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 2 hours later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

But I do not think feeling like nothing happened and all happy is okay.

My aunt tends to say "If the therapist is not catholical, is not a good therapist!" So If they ever find out I'd ruin the family. I mean, it's not irrational thoughts what I have, is sincere concern for them, me and my family.

(Edited 7 minutes later.)

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 31 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

You're right. You have concerns of course. Just be aware of the 'what if' scenarios. Those can get out of control and REALLY distort what is. And 'what is' is a mystery.

(Edited 36 seconds later.)

Anonymous Z-45 replied with this 5 years ago, 26 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> You're right. You have concerns of course. Just be aware of the 'what if' scenarios. Those can get out of control and REALLY distort what is. And 'what is' is a mystery.

You don't know how hard is this... If they end up feeling exploited, I don't know how I will cope up with this. There's no answer but killing myself.

JUST WHY WHY WHY AND WHY. I mean, why is this like this! There's no clear answer anywhere, everything is such a mistery, and I'm almost sure I ruined their lives.

I have something to say. One of those times, when I was touching one of my cousins, he screamed to me "HEY!" And then I started to fake I was doing this http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4nf56_gyiRE/TXe76XNKgdI/AAAAAAAAAVc/eQE3z5IrhQg/s400/calzonchino.jpg and tickling him. Then after a lot of time happened and thought he might be asleep, I started again... He might've been so scared the whole time. I don't know what I was thinking. Just why the hell would I do that, I don't have the answer, I don't know anything. The next day it was like nothing happened, and still as happy as ever.

Please, they need help through this. I'm sure he WILL remember that.

(Edited 23 minutes later.)

Anonymous Z-46 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 56 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

Im starting to think that I do not feel this anxiety for what will happen to me. But what happened to all those people I've been reading stories from. Cousins touching, people hating them, the victim wanting to kill himself by those touchings, the other guy doing the same familys breaking up and we do not fully understand adolescence. I mean, why adolescents are being seen as someone who should've known better when our brain can't even make decisions about sexual behavior? "The creases in the brain continue to become more complex until the late teens, and the brain is not fully mature until age 25.[2] Partially because of this, young adolescents are generally less equipped than adults to make sound decisions and anticipate consequences of sexual behavior"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adolescent_sexuality

And yet, even with that, we say that they should've known better, that I should've known better. They expect everything to work so perfectly, and if it doesn't, you get fucked. You, your life, everything you have achieved, your family, just everything. I mean, all this is terrible. Should it be this terrible?

Someone gets abused and his life is fucked, someone abuses and his life is fucked too. There's no escape. I didn't know what I was doing, but I did something horrible. Do I deserve my guilt, do they deserve my forgiveness? I've never thought of any of this in my life, that such an act could ruin someone life FOREVER, and it is completely common, that's the worst part. And then, there are teenagers, and childs who do not know what they are doing, and then the guilty and the offended lives just break apart. There's no cure, nothing you can do about it. It's just Abuser and "Survivor". The abuser is evil, the survivor needs pity forever, and well, it just keeps happening and happening in this horrible world and yet the only thing we can do about it is therapy, therapy, coping with the irrational guilt, the fear and the relationships and living a terrible life until they die. People that got abused are living right now, they are around you, and I'm sure my case is not rare at all, but I mean, I am the evil, I do not need therapy, I need to die and disappear and I deserve every kind of hatred and misdeed in my life for something I did when my brain wasn't fully matured and my hormones where raging but I got no excuse for what I did either because I DID SOMETHING TERRIBLE, so horrible my personality doesn't even matter and I should mantain this as a secret Forever and ever.

I'm not saying it is my case, as I don't know, but it is the case of many persons. Sexuality is just so fucking confusing, I never thought it could be this harmful. I mean, I just touched and masturbated like a fucking animal that was seeking for pleasure, watching porn or when I started to feel aroused by my peerings. And I saw it as something fun and harmless (Well I didn't see it as anything at all more than reproduction and pleasure. But pleasure is fun I guess), but it had some secretive theme to it... Better have it like that. And then, bam, I read a horrible story about one sexual abused child and then I understand the world is filled with this kind of problems. I mean, is something so secretive and horrible that it will keep happening and happening and happening.

Does it really have to be like this? Aren't we doing something TERRIBLY wrong? Maybe I'm just fucked up. I don't even know if my writing has sense at all, but I tried to express myself in this language I don't fully comprehend the most sincere I could. And if it is incomprehensible, it has to be like that.

And well, the worst part is that if I get caught, I won't even have the face to do anything at all about it. Because I fucked up two lives, and a family. And well, there's nothing I can do about it, nothing. Not words, not prices, even if I stay my whole fucking life to say sorry it will be worth nothing as I emotionally scarred two childs.

I'm not saying it is my case, or it will happen. It's not irrational thoughts, I'm just saying what can possibly happen, and do you think this life is fair at all? If everything goes well I think I found a meaning to this life. This can't just be possible.

EDIT: I had to tell my sincere thoughts about it. I think it is kind of wicked what I'm saying, but if it's not I find myself more comfortable with my life anyways. I mean, I'm still just a freaking child and yet I am a so edgy criminal, bitter idiot that is so innocent. I'm like a bunny who pressed a nuclear bomb button because he wanted a candy, and then got all bitter about it and disrupted his whole life, even though he's just a bunny who wanted some candy. I mean, I'm not sure if I should just let all go, or keep going with my own selfish goals of searching for love, and wanting someone to hug me. That was my only goal 2 months ago, I just wanted someone I could hug and be sincere with. But after I did this I cannot even be sincere with my own feelings, because well, even if it is normal, in my medium this is not, at all and I'll be seen as a monster. Yet, I'm a bunny.

(Edited 4 minutes later.)

Sifter replied with this 5 years ago, 12 hours later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

OP, I can only reiterate what I said in my earlier posts. It's my strong belief that you need professional help with this. You have many very powerful insights about the situation, but you need help to be able to manage both your feelings and the right approach to making sure your cousins are okay. I hope you will seek out that help.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

The only person seeing you as a monster is coming from you only. No one is going to see you as a monster. Sure,society might see you as a monster,because society is filled to the rim with fear. But you do not owe society an explanation of anything.

IF/when your cousins understand what happened,I doubt they'll see you as a monster. If they are well adjusted people,they'll know exactly what it was. Lots of people just KNOW that. They do not even need to read Dr Roberts amazing insights on the subject. They just instinctively know sexual experimentation is just another human experience,and nothing to loose your mind over. As a matter of fact,I am one out of countless individuals who just knows it is just a innocent kid thing. My brother liked to practice humping,using me. We are 35 now,we obviously both know since we were awake.Weve never had to get counseling and yet my husband,and his wife,we are all best friends.

Even IF your cousins realize,it is very possible it's just not a big deal to them. Got it?

Happy. joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 8 hours later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

Okay I get it now. When I wrote that comment I felt so much calm afterwards, and now the guilt really went away.

I mean, I'm a little uncalm sometimes, but not by intrusive thoughts just simple concern and is not making my head ache or mw wanting to vomit.

It was a very good day, laughed and didn't have that thought of "WHAT IF THEY KNEW", because well, everyone habe their dirty bad secrets, and I didn't have this thought 5 months ago even though I have done that act, Why? Well, because I didn't give importance to it, I knew it wasn't something people does everyday, but I didn't think I was a rapist or I was going to ruin my life. And maybe it was wiser to act that way, because the most possible think is that they won't remember, it wasn't sexual for them if they remember, it was just weird touching, and they most probably will forget, and probably have forgotten by now. And if they do, well, it's not like I raped them, or did something terrible, and they are my cousins which I spend my childhood with.

I'm coming back to my normal activities.

I don't have the urge for looking for information and random stories anymore.

Thanks everyone, and now goodbye. I'm certain of it, If I come back tell me I'm dumb for doing this.

I love you all. Big hug, I'll see this as a big lesson in my life and I'm sure I won't let this huge experience to waste, you learn by doing mistakes, don't you think? And I learned A LOT, by this experience. And I really like to learn, since I think is what we all should do. Learn about this wonderful world. Won't forget you.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 48 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

I'm smiling with joy for you! I was hoping you would see that...in rough times,comes lots of wisdom if you are capable of keeping your eye on the right things to free you from unnecessary psychological suffering.

Take care my sweet friend. Keep spreading
compassion. It will change your world into something wonderful,and will spread like wild fire. :)

Molly double-posted this 5 years ago, 3 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

.............

(Edited 23 hours later.)

OP joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 1 day later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

I'm not feeling guilty now, but I am incredibly depressed, probably because all the things I read about the topic. I can't seem to enjoy life. This really got me unexpectedly, and I just don't want to do anything anymore. But not because I think I ruined their life, I don't know if it's related of my act or not, I just am really really depressed.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 43 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

I get depressed too. Just down and out feeling. That hasn't changed in my healing process. Hopefully you will learn that when you are feeling low,doesn't mean you HAVE to attach it to something at all. You don't try to NOT be low. You just know to be patient. Emotions come and go like waves in the ocean. If you accept the depression and DO NOT add a story as to why you are depressed,then the suffering is just suffering,and not life threatening. It helps me to know that one thing I can count on to be completely true is I am never stuck in one emotion for ever. Everyday of your entire life will be a mixture of ALL emotions. There is no getting out of the 'bad' ones. Once you can face them without fear then its not so bad.
For what ever reason I am down today too. I know it's just conditioned in me to be so. I will not add a reason for it,because I would just be trying to figure it out,and ALL stories as to why I'm low I would be lying to myself. The mind just needs a reason.That's what the minds function is,is to conceptualize everything,and give it a purpose.But that doesn't mean the mind is correct,and not everything needs a purpose.That's why we live in a world where all humans think they are right because it feels so right what the mind says.The mind NEEDS a purpose.The mind is always hungry for one,just like the ears are always hungry for sounds,eyes hungry to see something,etc.Its just a function of the mind to pin a concept on something. Don't let your mind try and pin down a reason for your emotions. A metaphor for that is,when you hold on to an idea as to the cause of your suffering,is like trying NOT to ride the waves in the ocean by holding onto a boulder where the waves break. Let go of the boulder (unnessesary suffering)and ride the waves(ride the emotions.) just let go and don't be afraid of the discomforts of depression.
So I am depressed right now also,but it's not causing heart ache...if that makes sense.

Anonymous Z-50 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 23 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

That's a nice way of seeing things. But I'm young, and I don't know if it's dumb to feel this way. I mean, everyone just looks so happy. And I feel like I'm too bitter for my age.
So it makes me think, is it really natural what I did? I'm so weird in so many things, I might be twisted and that's why I'm bitter and down.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 25 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Im not sure...I know I was on acid,and hated me and life at age 15.So did my friends...I know my mom told me in my kitchen a few months ago,"I use to be so insecure that I was not comfortable when I was young. Then I realized everyone is going through a similar issues,and it makes me feel better to not be alone"...My god,I believe my mom is right! lol

Anonymous Z-51 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 2 days later, 2 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> Im not sure...I know I was on acid,and hated me and life at age 15.So did my friends...I know my mom told me in my kitchen a few months ago,"I use to be so insecure that I was not comfortable when I was young. Then I realized everyone is going through a similar issues,and it makes me feel better to not be alone"...My god,I believe my mom is right! lol
I'm okay now if someone cares. I know you care lovely Molly. Anyways, I now understand how crazy I was about thinking with this mindset. Living normally again. Goodbye.

Anonymous Z-52 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 1 day later, 2 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

I'm living normally. Have no guilt whatsoever, they just came to my house the other day and they are so happy and healthy you would smile from looking at them. They teached me their "Happiness" dancing even, heh. Anyways, I'm sure I didn't damage them, and I'm sure they would laugh at it if they ever remembered it, since they just know me like the guy I am, and know I'm no danger whatsoever. I just do weird things from time to time.

But anyways, I don't know how to handle the fact that I did this when I was 14 to some boys of 7 and 8. I mean, what should I think about it? I learned a lot, but still... Sometimes when I'm doing whatever, talking to somebody, I have in my conscience the act I did, and I don't know how to.. React? I don't know what to make of my actions, I still can't take them out of my head. I don't have the irrational thoughts or the fear or whatever, but I feel like I should just forget about it. But can't. When I'm starting to forget and feel normal again, words like "PEDOPHILIC TENDENCIES" or "YOU DID SOMETHING TERRIBLE" start appearing. I mean, they dissapear once I aknowledge they aren't true but... It's really annoying.

THIS happens A LOT, when I just woke up. When I wake up, I have huge remorse of a lot of things that happened in my life, and feel terrible. This act has been punishing me this mornings. That's why I'm in terrible mood at mornings. I mean, I wake up, and I'm just thinking about how wicked I was, and how I could've ruined their lives, and then I start to calm myself down, feeling a little doubtful but at least I can live happily.

I'm not the same person I was 1 month ago because I feel odd about it. But maybe I shouldn't! I don't know, maybe I should have it present to learn something of it?! But maybe I should just forget about it. What do you think? How can I forget about it?

(Edited 21 seconds later.)

Anonymous Z-53 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 5 minutes later, 2 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> I'm living normally. Have no guilt whatsoever, they just came to my house the other day and they are so happy and healthy you would smile from looking at them. They teached me their "Happiness" dancing even, heh. Anyways, I'm sure I didn't damage them, and I'm sure they would laugh at it if they ever remembered it, since they just know me like the guy I am, and know I'm no danger whatsoever. I just do weird things from time to time.
>
> But anyways, I don't know how to handle the fact that I did this when I was 14 to some boys of 7 and 8. I mean, what should I think about it? I learned a lot, but still... Sometimes when I'm doing whatever, talking to somebody, I have in my conscience the act I did, and I don't know how to.. React? I don't know what to make of my actions, I still can't take them out of my head. I don't have the irrational thoughts or the fear or whatever, but I feel like I should just forget about it. But can't. When I'm starting to forget and feel normal again, words like "PEDOPHILIC TENDENCIES" or "YOU DID SOMETHING TERRIBLE" start appearing. I mean, they dissapear once I aknowledge they aren't true but... It's really annoying.
>
> THIS happens A LOT, when I just woke up. When I wake up, I have huge remorse of a lot of things that happened in my life, and feel terrible. This act has been punishing me this mornings. That's why I'm in terrible mood at mornings. I mean, I wake up, and I'm just thinking about how wicked I was, and how I could've ruined their lives, and then I start to calm myself down, feeling a little doubtful but at least I can live happily.
>
> I'm not the same person I was 1 month ago because I feel odd about it. But maybe I shouldn't! I don't know, maybe I should have it present to learn something of it?! But maybe I should just forget about it. What do you think? How can I forget about it?

Another thing that bugs me is that I acted great and felt normal after I did it for a while, and I feel worried about how twisted my mind was about this. I don't know what I was thinking, but it didn't seem so serious for me at the time. And that kind of worries me... But, I was completely happy and felt great... Should I go this way again? Was it okay to have felt this way? I mean, I lived with freedom, but now I feel kind of.. Supressed.

Anonymous 25 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 52 minutes later, 2 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I think the poster on another thread about someone who felt guilty about a similar childhood incident hit the nail on the head. This is not about the specific event anymore but your processing of it. Try and see a family doctor or a counsellor you can afford in order to help you get the tools you need to manage your overwhelming anxiety and worry problem. No amount of feedback from Dr. Robert or this forum will make it go away and you do not want to have to rely only on other's opinions to make you feel better or not. It will just confuse you. A trained counsellor can give you tools to break the thinking patterns that have you so guilt-ridden, fearful, scared that are having you carry the worry with you from the moment you wake up. Regardless of the event...when this has passed there will be something else to worry about. You can be free from it with a good counsellor practice and the right tools. I see what you are feeling because I have been there myself and got help for it. Life feels so much better.

Anonymous Z-55 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 11 hours later, 2 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

But it's not like I feel hopeless or need help. I went through that and, thankfully, I feel okay now.

Now that I'm sure my cousins are okay, I don't know what to think about my acts, what to make of them. I'm confused about what to think of it. No normal teenager does this kind of things as far as I know. So, I have a peculiar experience that no others have.

What to make of it? Should I have it present? Or is it more normal than what I think and I should let go and be that happy kid that didn't really care about it I was weeks and months after the incident? Maybe it was natural to be that kid.

What triggered the guilt were sexual abuse stories I read, that were about a girl who was molested at night by his cousin, and how it was terryfing and couldn't look his cousin in the eye anymore.

But yeah, I discovered I'm not horryifing or did some kind of sexual abuse, but still, what did I do and why is what bothers me. I was kind of too old for experimentating, or maybe I'm wrong. It's just a doubt.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 8 hours later, 2 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

I agree with this very much. Your mind will continue to be stuck in a loop,until you understand how a mind filled with guilt,shame,worry,and fear works/why you can't escape those thoughts.

Maybe to help A BIT in understanding...One of my children is 6 1/2. I am just now capable of helping him with fear. Last night he came out of his bedroom while trying to fall asleep. He was scared. He doesn't understand yet that the mind is full of images,speech,concepts,and nothing to do with reality. He can't quite figure out that even though his mind is telling him scary things,that they aren't attached to anything. I helped explain it as a movie that you have NO control over what is playing. It's ok to get scared. Fear is a natural state.The mind will continue to play,and say things that are BASED ON FEELINGS. If you feel unworthy/guilty,your mind will attach an image to THAT FEELING,you feel scared,your mind will attach something scary..like my sons experience last night. The thoughts/movie in your head should be observed,but learn to not buy it. This may not make sense now,but keep one phrase stored in your mind,and hopefully your mind will pull it out when you need to use it:"Don't buy it." Next time you are in a mind filled nightmare,its a good thing to know.

Side note: When you are sleeping at night,did you know your mind does not know the images aren't real? We dream all kinds of things based on our emotions at night,and your mind attaches an image with it,never suspecting you are in a dream. Only when you wake up,and have physical sensations as well,do you know it was just a dream. In a sense,we are dreaming during the day as well. What ever the mind believes becomes our reality. This is why you see those people who say,"Yep.I couldnt find my car keys,my cat shit everywhere.Today is going to be a bad day." Now that person will probably experience things 'bad' throughout his day. We are the creators of whether we experience hell or heaven on earth.This is the most crucial part is realizing your thoughts are not coming from true reality.Don't buy into the ones that are attached to unworthiness. Feel your pain,whether it's a feeling of despair,anger,sadness,and know your mind is trying to attach an image as to why you hurt.
Emotions come first then thought. Be the observer of your thoughts.Do not become them. Otherwise,you are caught in the movie thinking its reality. How many people kill themselves or others while not realizing they are stuck in their own personal movie?
All humans function this way..letting thoughts become reality,but only the TRULY peaceful,content of people know they are not their thoughts. They are more capable of seeing the world,and other people,not through their thoughts,but can...almost like(using an analogy)put their thoughts and opinions on a shelf,and see others who too are going through the same thought/movie issues of their own.We are ALL walking around as the main character of our movie/thoughts. Compssion floods in for them/for you when your mind(your ego) starts to become secondary to what you see. And when your mind speaks to you abusively,you can observe IT doing it,and say,"I don't buy it.But thank you for telling me that." lol I like to be a smart ass to my mind. ;)

I rambled here from the depth of my heart. This is my life now. I was my whole life full of fear,anxiety,night terrors,etc,until I truly learned it is a worried mind only..and I am NOT my worried mind with all it's stories.

Anonymous Z-56 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 11 hours later, 2 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Molly, you are probably the wisest person I will know in my life. Your words are full of truth, your sons are really lucky to have you as their mother.
So, I guess that, in other words I should let go, and tell my brain to stop being so dumb :). I mean, I was able before, why can't I again right?

Thank you (Again, I'm so annoying) Molly.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 1 hour later, 2 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

No...your mind is annoying. You are perfect the way you are.You are life,living as a human being. Human minds are annoying. So essentially,we are all annoying. Lol

My husband is a very stressed out man. We are actually very opposite when it comes to wanting/needing the truth to life. Typically I can't talk to him in deep levels of the mind,but the other day,when he was so worn down he asked,"OK.Tell me. How do I relax?" I said,"I don't want to tell you." lol He debates everything..I finally gave in and told. When I am lost in my mind,whether it's being overwhelmed by expectations,or any pressure,I notice my heart beat. I notice my breathing. All of me does not need reminding of how to live..how to be.I am living life with or without my minds consent. The mind is only a sense in us human beings. The mind does not know reality any more then our other senses,like touch,sound,taste...The mind is THE strongest sense,but only a sense non the less.Its need to conceptualize everything. Like a wolf pack leader,taking over all our other senses and totally dominating them. So...when the mind tries to do this in extreme cases,like guilt in your case,I notice the other 90% of my bodies functions/sensation. It helps me realize my mind needs to be put back in its place with,"I don't buy it" is a good example on how to take away the fake reality your mind is trying to cling to.

Anonymous Z-57 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 1 day later, 2 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

So... Yeah, I'm not sure if it was my fault or not. The world started shoving it into my face I'm sure. Anyways, every time I see something relate to sexuality it's like a button for remembering my acts. And startwd browsing everything again, after being perfect for a while.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2168134/Babysitting-teen-14-raped-girl-5-spared-custody-judge-says-corrupted-internet-porn.html

Look at those comments. Or this:
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Child-Behavior/13-year-old-Abused-his-6-year-old-Sister/show/1465945

IM WORRIED BECAUSE EVERYONE SEES IT AS SOMETHING TERRIBLE. I don't think I'm any kind of monster for having done something like this, I just acknowledge it happened, but what if the law had something to do on it? Or if my family caught me?

I want a sincere response in here. Was it normal for me to do this? Age difference, all of this, was it really normal? Me 14, they 7-8.

AND THEN I WATCH PEOPLE SAYING IS COMPLETELY NORMAL. I don't know, MOLLY why can't people decide on something like this?!? I don't think is that wrong actually now that I see it in an objective way but...

What to do with all of this? How can we create awareness and stop this demonization? If I lived on some other decade without internet I would surely have killed myself.

I'm not sure if I want to have kids even, after all of this.

I'm just being dumb again I know but ughhh, it makes me mad, and unsure to even complain about this kind of situation for the controversy on it.

Anyways Thanks all of the people in here. Thanks all of you for making me understand and live. I love you Molly and won't ever ever ever forget you.

(Edited 1 minute later.)

Anonymous Z-58 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 36 minutes later, 2 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Ughhhh I feel really dummmb for everything, and for punishing myself so much, and for being so annoying. I mean, there are so much words for supporting people like me out there. And I have so much reality that keeps supporting my point, but my fears just keep going and going all over my head, thinking I was some kind of monster for some experimentating I did.

To tell you the truth, how I started to touch other people in their sleep was not an idea of mine. I saw it in some stupid anime show when I was much more younger than 14. Yeah, having too much information and joking about a sensitive topic like sex. Also... I found out about some other things like "shota" (You don't know how much they toy around like this those japanese guys, glad I don't see anime anymore). And I mean, now that I see it, I won't ever let my kids go on the internet without knowing what they surf. But I think that's impossible, maybe I just need to give them real education, but what if they think other places are telling the "Real" truth?. Having kids is a real resposibility, I don't think I will have kids if they have the danger of going through what I did. But maybe that's just dumb too. Internet can really confuse a kid going through puberty.

People says, he should've known he was doing wrong! But a kid doesn't fully understand sex. Many think no more than just getting pleasure out of something, why? because of misinformation in real life and too much weird information on the internet. Well at least I did.

Yeah I didn't really understand, that's why I acted out like that, probably because I didn't understand how bad this was, and I thought it wasn't such a big deal because of being a total idiot. That's what I get for no sleeping and just surfing through the web when I was younger.

I'm such a big idiot. Please everytone forgive me, tell me I'm an idiot.

I am okay and normal, and I was, and the people who could possibly think otherwise is because they are ignorant about the matters. Like how homosexuals were treated as scum before, and their acts were delictive too. is that the truth? Or is something wrong with what I just said?

Anonymous Z-59 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 1 hour later, 2 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

I just remembered when I was even younger I used to read conspiracy stuff about aliens, and there was an epoch in which I used to hide and shiver in terror, about the new world order and irrational stuff consisting in mass murder and, well, I think you can find it there. It's really similar to what I used to feel weeks ago, in which my whole reality seems to dissappear and wreck, an just find myself in a world or terror.

Do you think I might have some form or OCD?

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 9 hours later, 2 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
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This is what I'm talking about. You FEEL awful. Scared to the max,unsure,shame...Feel it. It hurts.Its SO painful. You can't get away from it.You can't fix it. The more you try to figure out the cause(going online,looking for answers,coming up with scenarios,wishing my past was different,etc) the harder,and longer you suffer,because your Holding holding holding onto the pain.

Let these tormented moments in your life be practice feeling without adding extra suffering due to your mind trying to figure out in order to relieve the bad feeling. Feel without grasping a concept. Don't let your mind grasp. The mind is trying to figure out your pain. The mind will be wrong. Your anxiety is conditioned in you.Probably due to how you have been raised. Your anxiety is prior to "the problem".

You wrote all this 8 hours ago. Are you still panicked to that degree now? I'm guessing your answer is no. Feelings come and go,like the waves in the ocean. Let go,and ride them out. Feelings/waves can be intense,but they don't last long. They go up and down. Tension/anxiety is extra intense when you are desperately trying your best not to let go and ride the waves.

I suggest not worrying about the outside world and their opinions. The world is full of suffering people. Once you work in your internal world,you will see clearer. If you look at the outside world BEFORE understanding your pain,you'll see demons everywhere(figuratively). If you practice this like I have. You can easily see someone's pain being projected onto who ever they are talking to.

Example: If someone is writing how all sex play is wrong,they are discusting people,etc,then more then likely they fear their own sexual desires and are projecting their shame onto the public,etc.

Ps,Don't diagnose yourself anymore! You only limit yourself by labeling. Who care if you might have some sort of anxiety. It's not even remotely who who are. :)

I love you kid. I know I write a lot. I hope you are reading all of it.

Anonymous Z-60 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 3 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

I read all of them, I wouldn't miss out your advise, you are awesome Molly.

Yeah, I just don't know, when everything comes back to be normal, suddenly my brain thinks I shouldn't be feeling well, because it might be wrong and everything tries to go back. It's just fear I tell myself, it makes no sense, and sometimes I can repel it, but sometimes I just get a lot of more doubts...

You see, in my last "Breakdown" I discovered talking with people made me forget about my anxiety, and helpe me out to go back to reality. But right now... Let's say I'm not someone really friendly, at least with my family, I prefer not to talk to them much since all of my actions seem to make them mad. And at my highschool well, I do my best to be friends with everyone, but some are just not talkative, like, at all! And I really get distracted at my classes, I can't just put attention to the teacher, feeling overwhelmed to everything that's happening. And then after classes, because of all my thoughts I just go out like a loner because I don't want people to think I'm depressed or anything, what can I say to them? "I feel depressed because I experienced sexual experimentation with my cousins of 7 and 8" I mean, I talked to people about my problems to feel better, I can talk to anyone about this.

A teacher recently told me she was gonna call scholar center because I might have ADHD, she's really dumb in my opinion. Why? Because I'm really distracted and I don't have 3 or 4 homeworks. My reality is just breaking up, I just can't get back on the ride.

But then I just feel in peace and think "I lived a lot like this and didn't mind? Why am I punishing myself like this right now" And feel dumb, because well, everyone has problems, I really don't care if my teacher doesn't like the way I am or if I can't talk about my sexual deviancy to people I just met. More so, before, I felt really open to talk about my problems and life, but to be sincere I never even thought to talk about my sexuality, I just accepted myself and accepted not many people was going to accept I had sexual attraction to people from my same sex too. I think I hinted it to my closest friends but that's because well, we are really close. And it was the same with the experience from my cousins, I accepted it happened with a free of guilt mind, until some months ago I read about how it could be sexual abuse! I didn't think it could be that bad sincerely, but testimonies of people made me feel like a criminal. Or the contrary.


But nothing is really happening, just as you say, and I need to let go.

Actually I never talked about my problems to the people, I just spend time with them in order to forget and accept my past. And maybe I can do this myself too.

Anonymous Z-61 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 1 hour later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

I actually think the problem is not the sexual act right now.

Is that, I can't seem to understand what kind of person I am, I feel like I lost my identity after going through this, I can't seem to remember what kind of person I was after this disruption of reality. I seem to put my act on the highest priority of my personality, and that's nothing but bullshit, because what I did doesn't define me at all. But my brain seems to be fooled. Every thing seems to be related to that act, and that is just not true.

I think I have to find myself again.

I'm just rambling here, maybe I need to write somewhere else.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 1 hour later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

No no.write here IF you feel comfortable. Working in my OWN stuff in my group I was just saying honesty is the most important thing for yourself and for others. We are taught to suppress from the moment we are toddlers,and now it's our job to correct all the damage our parents/teachers did to us. They did it out of ignorance,so forgiveness is important too..but that's not the biggest point here.

Honestly,I think you are so worried you lost something,that during THOSE times you try to get back to living in peace. Trying is the wrong direction. Trying=control.All control freaks are unhappy. Why? Bc the mind can't ever control.Oh but it wants to so bad. Let go.

There are more times throughout the day that you are just living/being without needing to be reminded how to. Or how to hold on to your identity. You just are living,peacefully..Naturally. Next time you are not stuck in your worried mind,notice what I mean. And when you are stuck in your worried,controlling mind,let go of all concepts,and just feel. Feel,don't think.

I was wrongly diagnosed with ADD. Fuck up my education bc of it.Plus it made me believe I was dumb. They stuck me in special education classes,and did not make me work. I sometimes wonder how many people are walking around being wrongly diagnosed,and labeled?

Been Thinking Of This joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 21 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

site will not work

S. in the Mid West joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 23 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Dude?! really, seriously seriously SERIOUSLY no "Dude here".

S. in the Mid West joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 12 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> Don't getcho panties in a knot, I edited XD

I have no idea what "XD" means.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 2 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Fuck you Deborah.Rot in hell mother fucker!!! OK.How many regulars have wanted to say that to these god damn spell adds?:):):)

Anonymous Z-66 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 2 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Sorry if this is too repetitive but I want to know this...

What I did was normal.
I'm not crazy, I'm not a pedophile, I don't have sexual problems, my cousins are happy and they are my friends, they aren't damaged and they will forgive me if they remember.

Yet, I still feel something's off. I do not know what's off, maybe it's my worried mind. But why am I worried? Perhaps is another kind of problem? I keep going in circles over the same thing, and I was perfectly okay with it before. And had a healthy life before, why out of nowhere this came out, trying to ruin my life?

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 1 hour later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

This is where therapy is best for you. To find out your history is like having a key to unlocking the mystery of the problem.

I am more capable of the philosophy aspect of things.

Worries will be on a loop until you realize it. Today it's your cousins,5 years from now your loop will continue the same patterns but different sceneries,and problems. You will always keep thinking the problem is the problem,never suspecting its your mind. This is where therapy comes in. Starting from your earliest memories,what your parents are like,yalls life style,beliefs,etc. Start at the beginning and work your way up is what I think therapy does. I've never been to one. Although I needed it desperately in my teens/20's.

Anonymous Z-67 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 12 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

So, is it really the wisest thing to just let go of this as a normal Experience?

Everywhere I see, it seems that big gap of age difference makes this abuse, I feel like that is what is making me feel still guilty over it.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 7 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

You have 2 choices.Let it go..or....

Make up shit that doesn't fit the 'crime'. There's nothing else anyone can say on that subject. You'll see what you want to see and ignore the obvious. You now have to choose and stick with it.dont teeter between the two.

I suggest go back a rerread about the experience when your cousins came to visit last. Start looking for signs of reality. Look up.Notice this worry of abuse is ridiculous. It's up to you now to do this.

Anonymous Z-68 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 16 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Thanks for the sincere answer, I needed that.
I'm gonna go visit them today actually. Last time was wonderful, they were really happy and playful, it was such a relief to know they are okay (Right now). But you see, lately I haven't been visiting them very much (Family problems, money, houses, inheritance). And I'm worried that I won't be able to fulfill my real me in them and then they might get the wrong memory of me, because well, I don't see them a lot lately. Still, everytime I see them they keep saying they want to go to my house... Obviously not scared of me right now.

Anonymous Z-69 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 46 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

IM NORMAL AND EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE ALL RIGHT FUCK MY BRAIN AND FUCK MY DOUBTS. I'M GONNA ENJOY LIFE, AND IF MY BRAIN KEEPS BOTHERING ME I WILL LISTEN TO MUSIC IN FULL VOLUME TILL MY EARS EXPLODE AND I FORGET ABOUT MY INSECURITIES. IF THEY SMILE WITH ME RIGHT NOW THEY WILL DO FOREVER.

ALL RIGHT?

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 2 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

What if what if what if. That's all you are worried about. All what ifs are irrational fears. Right NOW is the one and only reality. ' What ifs' keep you blind. A veil of fear blocking view of how beautiful you are,they are,the trees,the birds...Everything beautiful cant be seen because the minds irrational fears present. Let go of this deciet.

Anonymous Z-70 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 14 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> What if what if what if. That's all you are worried about. All what ifs are irrational fears. Right NOW is the one and only reality. ' What ifs' keep you blind. A veil of fear blocking view of how beautiful you are,they are,the trees,the birds...Everything beautiful cant be seen because the minds irrational fears present. Let go of this deciet.

It's a dead memory, and nothing will magically change that :).

Thanks Molly, I can't promise I won't go back into this state again but I will try really hard. I'm just hurting myself for something inexistent.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 8 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

You feel scared of loosing your mind again.The memories start piling up,you dont like it.Your mind is trying to counter act the attack with,"No no no." Fear is coming on...you turn your radio up to drown it out..but the radio has to come off at some point.Then they come back,and you think,"Fuck! This is bull shit!!" All because you cant contain it,suppressing it.It just keeps coming back. This IS cat and mouse chase.

Sit with the worried abusive mind,and fight back. Uh Oh! here comes one of Molly's analogies again!lol

Your mind is like a school bully. The bully is always there,waiting in the shadows. You can keep hiding from the pain he will cause you,OR you can stick up to him. One day. You are just so fucking tired of being scared of the bully,you just stop. He comes up to you,pushes you,taunting you.You dont back down.You look at him right in the eyes,and say,"Im not scared of you." He starts to loose the ONLY grip he has on you..fear. Since you are not scared of the bully,he starts to loose his power. Then what happens next is,he is not interested in you as much. Sure..He's always there,being annoying,but he just doesn't have the power since you do not fear him.

Start to fill your mind with the things you actually want.The analogy part of it would be..hang out with the friends you want,and just observe the "bully" in the class room.

Do you understand this analogy?

Anonymous Z-71 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 16 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
That's actually a really good representation of what's going on actually.

I completely understand what you mean, and I have to say! You are really, really, really wise, everything you say is awesome, and I love how you are still helping me after all this time.

So I went to a party of my younger cousing (She turned 2 y old), and well, there were my other 2 cousins. One was happy as ever, and the other was really really scared of the clowns, and started to calm down when he saw me, and he asked me to hide with him. So... I have to say, they trust in me, all of my thinking is irrational. Obviously, they are not scared at all by my presence, or by being both of us alone, they trust in me that much so... They are COMPLETELY fine, and the problem, is just in my mind. The problem is the bully.

So, I've been calming down for a while, I read a lot about sexuality, and how what I did was not just normal, but it could've been even healthy for me, and there has been people fighting over normalizing this stigma on society. And they, well, are liberalistic people, like me. It might be dumb, but this calmed me down A LOT.

They are ALL RIGHT, if they by any means remember someday I don't think they will hate me forever and IF they start having doubts about it, I will show them this page, and I will show them all the pain I've been through, and all the information about how what happened wasn't a horrible act. But all of this is irrational, as they are completely fine and don't remember because they were asleep.

And, well, I'm completely okay for now, I asked in somewhere else if they thought I was normal and they also thought it was just experimentation, and well, they were people that weren't even familiar with this topic as you are (Everyday in the forum there are threads about it). So, actually people see this normal, it is just a biiig taboo, and just because I'm really obsessive I started seeing otherwise. What hit me hard was a story about a girl of 7 years who was molested by a cousin of 16 years, in their sleep, but now that I think of it, I didn't do anything but little touching and sexplay. And in some other countries this is not a taboo, but is just something that is accepted and normal, the taboo is much more strong in the west, as I saw somewhere else.

And anyways, I think I should just stop reading so much about the topic as I might get more confused, but at least I learned a lot about my mind and a lot about sexuality.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 1 hour later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Yay!!!! What a letter!!! :):):):)

It's HARD for you to see this now maybe,but growth doesn't come from living passively,securely. Growth comes from this kind of stuff. How much wiser are you now,then that day you first posted? Also,how much compassion will you now have for another,being that you went through something so hard? And you are only 15!!! :) Every time you have pain,and suffering of any kind,leads to a stronger,wiser you. Sucks that it works that way,but it's true.

Also...how cute is your cousin wanting you to hide with him from clowns? That's adorable!

Anonymous Z-72 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 1 hour later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> Yay!!!! What a letter!!! :):):):)
>
> It's HARD for you to see this now maybe,but growth doesn't come from living passively,securely. Growth comes from this kind of stuff. How much wiser are you now,then that day you first posted? Also,how much compassion will you now have for another,being that you went through something so hard? And you are only 15!!! :) Every time you have pain,and suffering of any kind,leads to a stronger,wiser you. Sucks that it works that way,but it's true.
>
> Also...how cute is your cousin wanting you to hide with him from clowns? That's adorable!

I feel like everything is okay but...

Don't you think is kid of weird that I did this to really younger kids? I can't seem to find anywhere stories with this age gap. Maybe it is because of the same taboo topic, because no one talks about it. But I want a sincere opinion about it, not for feeling better or worse, it's just a doubt.

decka joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 2 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

@previous

You're asking an unanswerable question. You could ask this question for years and years and still not get a definitive answer because no matter what answer anyone gives you it won't be enough to calm the doubts - your obsessional state will look for exceptions and say "yes, but...."

Once you deal with your obsessive worrying either on your own or by getting help, you will probably just accept that if an adult did this it would be wrong, but you were a child - it's not the same, and leave it at that.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 5 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)


I agree completely.

And to OP. You've already answered this question.

No one can ever say," it's ok between this age.But THIS particular age is the cut off for it being OK."

That type of reason doesn't work at all in this case.

So you've already answered this question.Its written in one of your post. Let me know if you find it. I don't want to tell you,yet. See if you can find it on your own.

Anonymous Z-74 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 3 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

I'll try as hard as I can to change my mindset. I THINK I abused them, but I didn't abuse them, and I was a child, and they are okay.

Time to let go.

Maybe it was good that I found out about this right now, and now when I was like 20, that would have hit me HARD.

Thanks everyone, I'll try to not post again and just forget about the topic.

Love ya.

Anonymous Z-75 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 4 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Soooo, I have this strong feeling in my chest and I'm not sure about what it is... I'm confused if it's relationed with this, or if it's because I fell in love again... Or it might be both... Can the brain confuse the feelings?

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 59 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Give me more detail. Define 'fell in love again'.

But yes. You can crush love with thinking too hard. We all do!!!

Anonymous Z-76 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 9 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> Give me more detail. Define 'fell in love again'.
>
> But yes. You can crush love with thinking too hard. We all do!!!

I'm not sure if I understand what you are saying but I'll try to define what's happening.

Let's say I've been talking to a girl because I had interest in her before. Eventually, after this obsessive stuff started I completely forgot about her (Still talked, but was way too distracted to even think about it). And now, let's say she's starting to be affectionate towards me, and I'm not sure if what I feel is towards her or still the guilt about the incident (Even though in my thoughts I don't feel guilt anymore... But I'm not really sure if it's here either, although before all this happened I liked her in some way)

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 17 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

The best advice I'm capable of giving is,try to focus on your feelings/heart,and do not focus on your brain at all. If you desire her in any way...you want to make out with her,a relationship,or just a friend...do it,with out thinking. :)

Molly double-posted this 5 years ago, 3 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

You think too much...I love you but you do.

Also I wanted to tell you..I know you are still young and want to just be a normal 15 year old..but this forum is not only for people to get advice,encouragement,but also for YOU to do the same. Everyone is equal in giving advice,encouragement here. You would do great to help others in your same boat. Helping them will help you.

Anonymous Z-77 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 55 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> You think too much...I love you but you do.
>
> Also I wanted to tell you..I know you are still young and want to just be a normal 15 year old..but this forum is not only for people to get advice,encouragement,but also for YOU to do the same. Everyone is equal in giving advice,encouragement here. You would do great to help others in your same boat. Helping them will help you.

Well yeah, I've at least tried to help people in here.

And yes... I may think a lot, I've always been like this...

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 6 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

I relate with the thinking getting in the way of enjoying. If you only knew.

You can use that same thinking to free you,like what we discuss here. :)

Anonymous Z-77 replied with this 5 years ago, 21 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> I relate with the thinking getting in the way of enjoying. If you only knew.
>
> You can use that same thinking to free you,like what we discuss here. :)

That's what I'm doing, or what I'm trying to do, thanks Molly, I love you, your kindness, you are just so wise.
I just understood that I was Right before the trigger of the guilt. I felt like a molestor because I read a story about an actual molestor, and that makes no sense. I "Learned" I should feel guilt, but I really shouldn't as it was just normal for me to experience this way. It would be different if I raped them or something more serious than touching... When they were asleep. And as they don't remember, is just something I should forget. I should be as I was before, happy and seeking for something more than obsessive guilt. Seeking for knowledge and understanding, and real love. And this experience will help me to do that.

That's what my thinking is doing about now, heh. Maybe it's crazy too but at least is making me feel good.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 1 hour later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

OMG!!! You are amazing!!!! Your thinking is not crazy at all! You are starting to become one of the most sane people I know. ;) Love you to bits!

Guilt and shame have been wrongfully bestowed on us humans. I would never use that form of 'learning' to be 'better' on my children,and I would rather die then let someone try that on me. I will not even let me try it on me. Guilt and shame is a form of abuse. Abuse to yourself,and to others.

(Edited 15 seconds later.)

Molly double-posted this 5 years ago, 2 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Although guilt is natural in the MOMENT. Then you must let go after the experience passes.OR it will turn into unworthiness,and nothing else. Unworthiness doesnt help you,anyone,the world...

Anonymous Z-78 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 3 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

But ughh, I still have some "Irrational" thinkings so and there.

The new "What if" has been "What if" they go to a therapist, and the therapist asks something like "have you been touched there by someone" or something like that. How would a therapist react if he says his 14 years old at the moment, cousin touched him and humped him? Then he says their parents and well, everyhing will stop working.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 6 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Let that what if play out.Face it. Play that movie you are making in your head.Face the fear.Talk to your thoughts.. "Im not scared of you.Play the thought/movie all you want.In fact,I am enjoying it."

Of course you are not enjoying it,but lie.Lie as much as you can util you believe it.

(Edited 55 seconds later.)

Anonymous Z-79 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 12 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> Let that what if play out.Face it. Play that movie you are making in your head.Face the fear.Talk to your thoughts.. "Im not scared of you.Play the thought/movie all you want.In fact,I am enjoying it."
>
> Of course you are not enjoying it,but lie.Lie as much as you can util you believe it.

But the problem is I actually think this will happen when I think about it!
I feel like I need answers to disregard the thought and browse and browse and browse till I feel satisfied with some answers.

Am I scarred for life for this?

Molly, I'm seeing past posts of you, and they really help me. I want to be with you and hug you. If possible some day even I would like to meet you, as irrational as my thoughts can be, I can make them positive.

I have here, all the answers for my needs, and then I go and overlook everything.

I want TO say something right now.

I FEEL WORTHY of a person, I feel completely good about myself, I feel free of doing whatever I want and FEEL and say, and love. This is a great advance I think. The problem is that I still have some kind of irrational thoughts there and so.

(Edited 20 minutes later.)

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 19 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

You know that voice in your head you use to read this? The voice you use to reason with yourself. This is called your ego. Did you know that? We weren't born with an ego...that voice that talks to you about you,and commentates all experiences. It started to form around age 1 1/2 to 2 years old. Your ego was heavily conditioned by your environment,and the people who raised you.ego:collection of thoughts,opinions,how you view the world. Your thoughts FEEL like reality.Your views of the world,all of it feels real.But your thoughts are totally meaningless,and can't grasp onto reality for long,if at all. You think they mean something,and you are frightened by them.You think you'll believe them,so you don't want to hear it.

Please just try it out...for me. Go to the movies.Movies I mean your thoughts. (My analogy) Sit in the theater(your head)...do not get up.Watch the movie,all while knowing you are going to leave the theater soon enough. Movies(thoughts) only last for a short time. It's OK if you get engrossed in the film.Feel the sensation of fear...but eventually,naturally you'll have to leave the movie,because it will end...before another movie starts to play.


Thoughts only last for a short time..Running from them takes a life time.

(Edited 1 minute later.)

Molly double-posted this 5 years ago, 4 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Try it out for 1 day. If you start to believe them.I'll meet you back here in 1 day to talk you through it. Will you try this?

Anonymous Z-79 replied with this 5 years ago, 6 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I'm sad I won't ever be that innocent guy that had urges to cry or felt love or remembered things with just hearing a song. This year has been probably the best year in my life, and this past month all this had to happen. Had a lot of friends, talked with lots of people, shared so much experiences, helped people out, laughed, played, heard...

Life was awesome, and I feel like I won't ever be that kid again.

____

I'll try tomorrow Molly, Day 1 :)

(Edited 57 seconds later.)

Anonymous Z-80 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 1 hour later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

I want to say a phrase that tends to play with my mind:
"They won't tell anyone because they might think what's happening is not wrong! But abuse is wrong!!"
And then, maybe that's the only reason they are happy right now.

And every time I see children I have thoughts like "What if they were abused", and feel terrible for every children on earth. I don't know, it just hurts to see children.

(Edited 3 minutes later.)

Anonymous Z-81 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 3 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

I just noticed I overlooked a lot. I could do it all days, you know? Read what WT and sifter and you Molly told me...

I'm just drunk again. My mind won't let me sleep, and I tried to do the exercieses but I just couldn't. Tomorrow will be a hard day.

I just I'm not sure if what I did was terrible, everything is so ambiguous everywhere. No one seems to care about something that could depend on many people's life. Is easier to ignore it I guess.

I learned here that it was normal, that I might be overreacting, that my guilt is something I should go through, that I shouldn't victimize myself, that I should seek therapy, but if I did damage, the damage is done. Whether i go to therapy or not, that's not going to change what happened on reality. In reality, I touched my cousins while they were asleep. Touched their naked butts and their genitals, and humped them. The first time I just touched them superficially, the last time was when I thought I could do more because they never reacted in any way or form... Selfishly, without knowing how I could be distorting the reality of two persons. I know for sure one of them doesn't remember anything at all, because he sleeeeeeeeeeps and never wakes up. The other one, the one that trusted in me and wanted to hide with me because he was afraid of clowns, he.. probably woke up somewhere among my act. Although I'm not sure, but I'm really worried about my younger cousin. He's really scared of clowns, and some other stuff... He is really sensitive, over a lot of stuff. He doesn't seem scared by me at all, or confused. Actually he tends to hint things about sex (Without fully understanding them) with me. But he is very, very sensitive... As I am too. He once made me cry when I was like 12, he teased me a lot... I don't know what happened into my mind, I knew something was wrong with what I was doing, I knew society wouldn't see it all right, but I didn't knew I could hurt them. I just kept being their cousin. I know I didn't actually use cohersion, or bribery but I continued doing it for a while. It's in the past, but he probably doesn't fully understand what happened. He's a bright kid, prankish, funny, free. He's in 2nd primary school, do you think he would understand what happened with his current education? I mean, I would approach to him and talk about it, but I might do the opposite of what I want. I don't want to wait till his older because he might've been hurt by that time...

I don't care about me right now, actually all of my victimization is because I feel he will get hurt by this, not that I care about my sexuality or anything, because I feel normal. And I can have this mask or whatever of having a great life, but I want to make sure he's okay. What's a good approach? Or is it really for the best to just not touch the topic?

I read a psychologist from latin america, talking about two parents worried that their son touched their daughter. Son was 13, daughet was 5. The psychologist said that was normal between siblings, and to stop worrying so much about it, just to punish him and make sure he understands the consequences. So, I know a psychologist would see this okay, I know he will tell me "Don't Worry, live okay" I know he will tell me my thoughts are irrational, and they might be, but I want those kids to not feel what am I feeling this month. Ever.

And Molly I will try this day to not have irrational thinkings, I know this isn't as fatal as I think. But I think I should keep a little worry about them though, but I won't let the thoughts to take over me. I will be myself, though, I will make sure they are okay. Or I'll do as you people say, is it really the best approach to not approach at all and stop worrying?

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 3 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Just to clarify...I'm not sure if I did clarify yesterday... View your irrational fear,with out being IN them. No one.Not one person on the face of this planet can control their thoughts. Be the observer of your thoughts..like you are at a theater. You are engrossed,but you are not ACTUALLY in the film.

I have the same fears. Even last night I was driving to the store.I saw a car parked deep into the woods. My mind automaticlly starts thinking of a rape scene going on. I tell myself," there's the irrational thinking.I can't possibly know,so I'm going to let it go."

Your cousins are in no danger if you want my opinion. Not from you anyway. Fear for them IS making yourself the victim. Compassion for them does not make it about you in anyway shape or form. Know the difference.. to have compassion for them(open heart accepting anything),instead of fearing for them,which hurts you..makes it about you..They would not want you to hurt would they? You see how it becomes about you?

Anonymous Z-82 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 9 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

But isn't thinking they are okay as irrational as thinking they aren't?

___

I'm gonna have this problem for all my life aren't I?

(Edited 3 minutes later.)

Anonymous Z-83 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 2 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Okay, I just understoon how dumb I am.

Is there a way to close the thread? I understood from a very touching way that world is just not like as I thought it was. I had contact with a man, that as a boy had been raped by his cousin. He penetrated him, and he was okay, and he told me he forgave him as he was a dumb kid of 14 years old. And then he told me what I did was just silly, and that I should stop worrying over discovering myself.
How I got to communicate with this guy was more than luck I believe. Maybe it's the Universe trying to convince me, as it had tried since I discovered this forum, that I didn't do anything harmful and that it was just me discovering myself.

I have to say I learned a lot from this and will use it to become a better person.

Now I promise, I wont post in this thread, is just an obsession that won't do good to anyone at all. If I post in the forum it will be to help out people with my doubts as you said Molly.

Now, my final: THAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

I think this is the wisest decision I can take. And I hope my experiences help out people which feel as lost as me.

Case closed. This case just exists in my mind, IIIIIF IFFFF IFFFF(Those ifs) something ever happens again it will come out of my cousins, not my mind. Anf that IFFFFF is highly unlikely.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 6 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

You are right! :) the only rational thinking is,"I don't know." try to test in that. Now to read your next post.

Molly double-posted this 5 years ago, 5 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

But now I'm just gonna miss you! Haha!!

Good luck kid! And if you do feel lost,someone in sure will always be here.

And one final wisdom to share...You do not have to 'try' and be a better person. You have always been that since the day you were born. You just forgot you already are a good person. That is the truth!! Don't try..just be you. Relax into who you who you have always been. Xxxxxxx

(Edited 1 minute later.)

Anonymous Z-84 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 18 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> But now I'm just gonna miss you! Haha!!
>
> Good luck kid! And if you do feel lost,someone in sure will always be here.
>
> And one final wisdom to share...You do not have to 'try' and be a better person. You have always been that since the day you were born. You just forgot you already are a good person. That is the truth!! Don't try..just be you. Relax into who you who you have always been. Xxxxxxx

I promised I wouldn't post but I want to respond!

Yeah, I guess I should be a try hard. I will just be me, and ride my feelings :).

Also, about "I don't know". The truth is that... Most likely they are not damaged or even remember. Any child would at least act weird after getting touched at night, but they never did. And they trust me to a big extent. The most likely thing is that I didn't hurt them. I'm just a very anxious guy. And even IFFFFF they remember or are hurt, they won't doubt about their cousin that played with them for a long time if he comes and says sorry.

Also I will be here for a while Molly don't miss me ;)

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 16 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Yea..I just can't imagine how that would wreck them in any way. They would only need counseling if they were being manipulated. Anyway,I know you know all that. See you around here! :)

Sifter replied with this 5 years ago, 23 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I'm sorry to make this more complicated, when OP has made such great progress with getting this back into perspective. But I think this is important. We simply don't know how the incident might or might not affect the cousin, or what anyone would need counselling for. There is some chance this could be upsetting for the cousin. I absolutely do not think this is the end of the world or that it would wreck him or that the OP should go back to feeling anxious about this. But I also think that the peace OP needs to find has to take into account that possibility.

Anonymous Z-85 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 15 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> I'm sorry to make this more complicated, when OP has made such great progress with getting this back into perspective. But I think this is important. We simply don't know how the incident might or might not affect the cousin, or what anyone would need counselling for. There is some chance this could be upsetting for the cousin. I absolutely do not think this is the end of the world or that it would wreck him or that the OP should go back to feeling anxious about this. But I also think that the peace OP needs to find has to take into account that possibility.

But they never have acted weird around me, not even after it happened. Nothing at all, not a sign, and they trust me a lot still. Do you really think it is possible that they out of nowhere remember? I've been thinking over that possibility for more than a month, I don't think I overlooked it.

Do you think they are damaged right now and that's why they don't tell? Well what can I do with that, I think I should leave them at peace. If I act I can just make it traumatizing for them.

I've read many stories in where CPS ruined everything for making the stuff more serious than it was?

Or is it really serious and I'm just being delusional with being acceptive to what happened?

I mean sincerely, what can I do? There's nothing I can do, if I act I will put all the family so defensive towards everything and everyone will just think I'm a molester. I mean, this is actually not as normal as I think, yeah that's a fact.

I don't even know what to say or what to feel about your comment, the fact that I'm at peace is because I don't think they are damaged. But if I take in account they could, that's what's making me want to kill myself.

I feel like everything I say is wicked. I just try to do what is making me feel better, but yeah that actually doesn't matter since I could probably ruined their lives.

(Edited 15 minutes later.)

Anonymous Z-86 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 26 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Then what do I do if they feel concerned about it. I'll end up just killing myself if they hate me. I mean there's nothing worse than doing something like this to get someone to hate me. Ruining someone life, life is something beautiful and the thought that I completely damaged one life is just terrible.

What can I even do if they remember. There's nothing to make them feel better if they actually feel concerned. Nothing at all, nothing forgiveness won't work, I will just confuse two persons to death and they will demonize me forever. I mean, what can I even do with that. Why should I even think in that. If that happens there's nothing, nothing worse. Of course my world will break apart. Of course it will be the end of the world. If just another family member knows about this my life is over. Totally. There's no irrational in that, My uncle and aunt are as conservative as they get, they go to church every sunday, their therapist is actually catholic. If they ever find out, everything, rationally ends for me. And I will live miserably forever, or I will shoot myself.

I know it's possible, and it might be more likely than I think. But there's just no salvation from that. Just not. Not at all, and I can't live with knowing I ruined someone elses lives. I wouldn't ever live with that, Never, ever I will be able to.

(Edited 2 minutes later.)

Sifter replied with this 5 years ago, 10 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Please try to read what I said - I don't think you are wicked or that you ruined their lives. I think the fact that they are happy and comfortable with you is a great sign that this had no negative effects. And I do think you should rest comfortably with that. But I need to say this because all kinds of people with different situations read this board. For some kids this kind of thing might be remembered as upsetting, and that would have to be dealt with in a calm and helpful way. The disaster-thinking you are doing now would not help your cousins, and it hurts you so badly. You need to look at all that end-of-the-world thinking - and realise the poison that it is. This is part of what I am concerned about. While you believe that your life is worth living "only if" the cousins are not affected - you are still easily going to get tipped into your disaster thinking. I would really like to see you in a position where you don't have that underlying belief, that you are wicked, waiting to reach out and grab you. This is why I still think that therapy/counselling would be very valuable in your situation, to help you handle anything that comes up.

Anonymous Z-87 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 12 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
If it ever affects them like it did to me, I see no point in living. But I know that won't happen. Or at least I'm n denial about it. Really if it happens I have no other option. That will be my decision. I just hope it won't happen. Is worse than killing someone. I would just right away kill myself.

That's the only solution I can see so they understand how deeply sorry I was.

(Edited 1 minute later.)

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 18 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Read post 52 812.

That's what we talked about. The only rational thinking is,"I don't know."

And read the post that I answered that to..

Molly double-posted this 5 years ago, 11 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

I get Sifter's point,but I do not agree with keeping all options of what could happen to them open and fresh in your mind.

You did nothing wrong. Nothing! The only way it would be wrong is if you are now trying to find loop holes to keep it happening. You aren't. Things happen. Shit happens. It sucks,but it does.
The BEST thing you can do for yourself,and them is admit you don't know. When your mind starts to think it knows a good scenario say,"I don't know." Keep your heart open to all possibilities IS having compassion for any situation.

That being said,LOTS of kids dry hump,etc and just automaticlly know that they are not threatened in anyway,bc they have more of a bond with their cousin,bro,sis,then those few experiences.

(Edited 2 minutes later.)

Molly triple-posted this 5 years ago, 48 seconds later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Oh..Naybe sifter IS trying to say that. I think that was her point?

Sifter replied with this 5 years ago, 5 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Yeah, I read those and I fully support that, Molly. I'm sorry it seems like I'm unpicking good work here. I thought hard about it. I just know that if one day it turns out that that cousin remembers and feels hurt or confused, that is actually a situation which can be handled, and doesn't have to be denied, and doesn't have to end up in someone's suicide. People have difficult experiences and they find ways to grow with them and learn from them. Treating this stuff like the end of the world is bad for everyone, and I think that's part of the lesson of this situation.

Sifter double-posted this 5 years ago, 4 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)


> You did nothing wrong. Nothing! The only way it would be wrong is if you are now trying to find loop holes to keep it happening. You aren't. Things happen. Shit happens. It sucks,but it does.

Yes, exactly. Also, I know that sometimes people read this website looking for 'loopholes', and I would hate this situation to look like a loophole. That's another reason
i spoke up at the moment I did.

> The BEST thing you can do for yourself,and them is admit you don't know. When your mind starts to think it knows a good scenario say,"I don't know." Keep your heart open to all possibilities IS having compassion for any situation.

Yes, totally.

(Edited 29 seconds later.)

Anonymous Z-88 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 28 seconds later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

I just understood what you meant.

When you said he might get concerned about it, I automatically thought in, he might feel terrible about it. I agree he can remember, but most likely won't even see it as so bad. The worst case scenario is irrational, completely, but I thought you said I had to think that that scenario could happen.

Sorry, just a misunderstanding. I need to let go and that's all. Because it wasn't actually as bad as I think it is, and is something that happens a lot more thatn I think and damages much less than I think.

Sifter replied with this 5 years ago, 3 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I'm glad you get me, OP. Thanks for hearing me out.

The truth is that sooner or later we do hurt people as we go through life. That's part of the package. Not saying you hurt anyone here, but even if you did, you are still a valuable person and your life is worth living. Even though we hurt people, we very rarely 'destroy someone's life', so it's really important that you can see the difference between those things. At some point you might have to break up with someone you're dating, and that knowledge could be useful!! :)

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 6 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Beautiful!!! You will hurt people unintentionally(probably since you seem so loving). Rarely do people destroy the others life over it..You will suffer heart break,etc in your life.ALL typical human experiences,and you have to learn better coping skills,and nothing will be worth sacrificing your life.

I really see your point here Sifter for him. This is very insightful,and I'm so thankful you brought this out to attention,so he can see THAT irrational thought.

Anonymous Z-89 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 13 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Molly, when I help people I end up feeling terrible.
http://www.psychforums.com/remorse/topic94092-20.html
So I made an account and made a post and I'm waiting moderators for accepting it. I posted links for this thread and insights for Dr-robert threads. This is just making me feel doubtful again about my acts and start to think I'm being delusional for letting go...

Anonymous Z-90 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 38 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

I'm not sure if I should read these things about psychology, or different similar cases. The damage is terrible.
Reading stories about people that never got over it are making me wanting to kill myself.
MY COUSINS ARE OKAY, THEY LOVE ME THEY WANT ME. THIS IS NOT THE CASE FOR ME. I DOUBT THEY WILL FEEL BAD ABOUT IT. But probably not.
I'm obsessing way too much about this.

I have been hitting my head to cope with this, and taking alcohol and not sleeping well.

Sifter replied with this 5 years ago, 7 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
OP, I'm serious. You need to get some professional help with this before it gets worse. I would hate to see you get stuck in these destructive coping mechanisms. Molly is wonderful and has said many helpful and wise things here, but I strongly believe you need to work this out in person with a professional now. It is complex and you need in-person support. It will make all the difference. It is worth the money, believe me. You will be on a much better place to support and contribute to your family if you can get this sorted out.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 4 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Yes! What Sifter said for sure!

Also,I just went to that sight. Dont read those. Like the latest one where her hubby molested sister for years etc. You'll just end up projecting THEIR situation on yours. Dont read those. This is not cookie cutter,which means,this is not all identical situations,so why would you want to read those? I do not even suggest helping( I take back what I said.I was wrong.You shouldn't help UNTIL you heal completely). Just because it's still an open wound that has lots of healing to do.

(Edited 34 seconds later.)

Anonymous Z-91 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 23 seconds later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
But I know what will happen. He will say to not to worry. Or maybe he will tell me to worry. Two things. It probably won't help me out more than all you guys are doing for me.

And the thing is that all this year I've been criticizing psychology for an amount of things. Openly, didn't know something like this could happen to me out of nowhere. So I think my parents will just say I'm dumb or something like that. "You were criticizing it months ago!"

(Edited 18 minutes later.)

Anonymous Z-91 double-posted this 5 years ago, 20 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

"We won't pay you for something you were hating on a little ago!"

Sifter replied with this 5 years ago, 5 seconds later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
No, you don't know what will happen. If the psychologist you saw before just said 'don't worry' or 'worry' then he's no good as a psychologist and you need to see someone else. A proper, skilled psychologist will explore this in depth with you, help you figure out how it happened, professionally assess and treat your on-going anxiety problem so you can be free of that, and will give you professional guidance on how best to handle your concerns about your cousins' well-being, with their safety and happiness, and yours, in mind. We simply cannot do that on this forum - we don't have the training, the skills or the facility to sit with you in-person in the way you need.

As for criticising psychology - who cares! It doesn't matter that you had a mistaken idea. What matters is your health, happiness and safety now.

Sifter double-posted this 5 years ago, 1 minute later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
All you need to say is that you have changed your mind, that you're really struggling with unhappiness and know that you need the help.

Anonymous Z-92 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 16 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

I'm scared to confront this openly. Really, really scared. I don't think I'll be able at all. Not even to tell I wanna go to the psychologist.

Also, to note:
I touched my older brother and sister in their sleep before too, and feel completely okay about it, and I know they don't care and I have a really big and special bond with them. Why am I so scared about my cousins? I have a bond with them too, and they seem okay as my brothers.

(Edited 1 minute later.)

Anonymous Z-93 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 7 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

What diffentiates abuse from what I did, and why do you think this won't be hurtful?

More like, what actions would I've need to do in order from this to become abuse?

I need an insight to think about what I did rationally...

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 3 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Were you feeling a state of terror when you wrote these questions? I think the moment you are calm,and feel good again..come back to these questions,and see if you have the knowledge to answer them. A therapist shows you how to self sooth fearful thinking. That is why I don't think I should answer them.I think then your dependency of getting reassured all the time stays as a fresh wound.

(((OP))) Hang in there.

Anonymous Z-94 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 12 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Yes, I can actually answer those questions, but I was really doubtful in that state.
Anyways, I've been thinking in going to a therapist seriously now... Let's see what he thinks, I have heard he has studies in family therapy so he might be completely the right one.

Although I'm not sure if I'll be able to say it, or to go...

Anonymous Z-95 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 3 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

I hate myself so much. I hate everything.
I just ruined being young. I ruined everything. I just wanted that girl two months ago.
Just, what am I doing with my life. Now I won't even be able to hold a relationship with this state.
It was just everything I thinked back then, and listened to music till I couldn't stay awake. Why something so complicated had to happen?I hate this era, I hate the time we live in, I hate myself. Why must life just be suffering and make others suffer, this isn't right at all. We have minds to be better not to make everything bad. I'm so sorry for what I did, even though it isn't enough... I've ruined everything. My perspective on seeing everything, and probably two perspectives from people I should never have.

I don't want to know anything, I never liked to learn anything, or to know anything, yet I am here learning everything on the fucking internet.
Not even killing myself would fix things. Even if I'm a good person right now, this doesn't change what I did. I mean everything an even me thought I was such a cute and smart kid, I would do great in life. Fucking bullshit, I was never smart in anything at all. Why did I have to ruin my life in such way, getting hurt from love is something I would like to actually experience. Getting hurt from all those things that makes the love wonderful and not those things that make it secretive and dark.

Everyone normal seems to think this is "Sick" and to seek help, although some others think it is completely normal. So complicated it is.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 2 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

I think it's time to tell your mom that you are struggling and need help from a professional. All I saw in your last post was a lot of self hatred,and despair.

Do not be afraid to ask for help. This WAS a normal experience and no liberal therapist would be put off.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 5 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

I hope you are doing well today. I know you might feel alone. No matter your suffering,you have friends and family who love you so much. (((you)))

Anon joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 4 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Hey, I'm from the 'can anyone help please' forum. Telling my mum helped a lot, made me feel like I wasn't alone which is such a relief. I'm not 100 percent at all yet but things are getting better. Counselling also helped me. I do believe in telling someone, it's such a relief knowing you have support. Stay strong :)

Anonymous Z-97 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 4 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

If people knew what I did they would want to kill me. I don't have anyone exactly by my side.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 9 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

You really think your mom,bro,sis,and dad(if he is in the picture) would want to kill you?

Anonymous Z-97 replied with this 5 years ago, 3 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

I'm sure my dad would hit me or did something like that. Or at least hate me forever.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 30 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Your dad probably has had his own experiences. IF that is true,that he would hit/hate you,he is just projecting is own self hatred onto you. Just like everyone else who projects hate or love. Just a projection of their own heart.IF he hits you,it has never had anything to do with you. Hate destroys innocence.(((you)))

Please focus on the ones who love you,and try to see they accept/love you unconditionally. Don't let YOUR self hatred blind you.Especially in this major time of need for support.

(Edited 1 minute later.)

Anonymous Z-98 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 3 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

I'm having such a hard time in thinking I am normal. Clearly I am not.

What my philosophy should be from now? Maybe being a full criminal is the only answer.

Obviously not.
I can't accept the idea this was experimentation Molly... I was 14, they were 7-8 I touched them in places I shouldn't for my own pleasure, 4 or 5 times at night like a miserable loser idiot rapist.

Yes I got into orgasm. I don't think this is normal. And people in here don't think it either. Just you and sifter.
I would even go to juvenile if I confessed anywhere. I'm not sure if Robert, because he had my first version.

Okay, just, I want to dissappear from this people's lives. My family. I don't deserve love from anyone. I don't deserve anything at all. But they don't deserve me either. They just don't. Why did I have to appear, just to ruin my life and others lives.

I feel more rational than ever. This is just the fucking truth. And even if they are okay I'm so fucked up in the head already I cannot even see the world lie it is supposed to.

I don't see myself describing the situation to the psychologist without him reacting horribly. I'm just so fucking stupid, gross and terrible. And yet everyone in the world seem to think I'm cute and smart, and funny, and quirky or whatever. Actually I just sorted my life out this year, I loved my life so much. Everything was just perfect. Nothing will go back to normal ever.

Anonymous Z-98 double-posted this 5 years ago, 29 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

I just wanted a normal and fullfilling life.

(Edited 13 seconds later.)

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 51 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

It's time to ask for help.:( If you can't see that you are already normal(fyi normal/abnormal is a false idea ONLY man made..no other animal defines life,and tries to make it righteous. This is causing all of us to suffer things that are nature induced,and can't ever be separated to appease wo/man's need for control,and order.So sad..)

You are way off. You deserve in every way shape and form to SEE you already are life,deserving of fulfillment. You can't do this alone anymore,and although I am cheering for you,and giving you all I have,it's not what you need and deserve. You need to not be alone,having eye contact with a therapist who will help you. You can start off slowly with him..Just like you did here on this forum.You eased into it. Its not a confession. You still have control in therapy,giving only what you can at first.

Anonymous Z-99 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 5 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

My mom get's upset all the time, I don't know how am I supposed to tell her. For every little thing she gets really mad or dramatical... I don't know how to tell her... Probably will just ground me for acting like this.

This is just so terrible I'm afraid of everything. I don't know what to do. I have terrible dreams, I have terrible feelings all the time.

Anonymous Z-99 double-posted this 5 years ago, 22 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

There are a lot in here I can definitely relate.
I just want to kill myself. I don't know why I did this.
http://4-ch.net/personal/kareha.pl/1178136011/
It is actually not okay. It's abuse, everyone sees it as abuse. I'm just delusional if I think it's not.

Anonymous Z-100 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 11 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Molly I think you were overly kind with a piece of shit of person such as me.
You are awesome, but I am not. I was too old to "experimentate".

This was fucking abuse. Fucking terrible abuse. I think I will escape from my house, and then try suicide. I actually don't know what to do as everyone will just see me as a loser. A loser rapist molestor who ruined everything.

It is that bad. Why would I do that to my loving cousins which loved me so much? I don't know. I loved them too.
Sigh. I'm just too young for this. Why did I fucked up so bad. I can't deal with this, if someone loves me is wrong.
So fucked up.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 1 minute later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Your mom may get mad and is dramatic,but does she care about you?

Molly double-posted this 5 years ago, 3 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

I'm not overly kind.Im overly truthful. Most are too suppressed and afraid of thinking outside their narrow minds.

(Edited 33 seconds later.)

Anonymous Z-101 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 37 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

I believe you are too kind with me... Whoever would tell me I'm sick.

Molly... What will I do if everything goes wrong? I will have no one left. I won't just move on. I'm not that kind of person. Relationships are the most important things in our lives...

I so love you Molly.

(Edited 1 minute later.)

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 21 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

I love you too. Your siblings love you. I suspect your mom does too. I'm kind of wondering if you got your worried mind from her with the little you told me of her. Loosing temper,dramatic would be from anxiety(trust me on this one.I know first hand). I also know a mothers love over rides all that. Not all moms of course,but I know deep down inside you know if she is capable of accepting of you,don't you?

I have to sleep. Ride this out for now. What comes down must come up eventually in regards to emotions. It will be brighter shortly.

Sifter joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 26 minutes later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

OP, listen. I have tried to stay away from saying this act was 'okay' or 'not okay' because I really don't think it's as simple as that. What you did could have hurt someone, I think you know that. But whether it did hurt someone, we don't know. What was behind it was also unknown. Whether you were just naively exploring, whether there were other youthful tensions and confusions that took you there - who knows. I think that is also worth exploring with a therapist. I know for sure you are not an evil person or a 'loser rapist molester'. I think it's clear that you care about your cousins and want to find a way to resolve this that is safe for everyone.

Every time you go to the suicide option, you really throw away your responsibility for this. It's a way of throwing your hands up and saying 'this is too hard'. No joke, this is a hard situation for a young person to be in. But you also have a chance here, to form your own character and decide what kind of person you are going to be. Suicide would create worlds of pain for ALL of your loved ones, including your cousins, that you can't even imagine. If you think this is bad, the mess you'd leave behind if you killed yourself would be that to the power of 100. Ask anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide. That includes me, and I'm telling you. I don't think you want to be that kind of person.

You also have the opportunity here to be the kind of person who stands up, thinks carefully, and acts with integrity. Someone who keeps looking for solutions to problems even when it seems extremely difficult to do so. You know you want to make sure your cousins are okay, so go find out how to do that. Go talk to a professional who can give you the benefit of their experience and wisdom and training on this. Yes, it's difficult, but it's clear to me that you care about your cousins enough to face the difficulty.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 7 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Great clarity Sifter. This thread needed a dose of Sifter. Thank you so much for caring about his well being as well.

Jasper joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 4 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

this is my 2 cents, and i feel bad not helping considering i'm in the same position. whats done is done, you cant change that, but something to think about is that you wouldn't do these things now which means you aren't a child molester, and your motives probably weren't the same as a child molesters. i have my story, other people have theres and to each of us our stories are "the worst" if you here'd mine you would probably have encouraging words for me or try to help, i would switch stories with you, this shows me that it really is our heads making a bigger deal out of it than we need to. i've made my apologies to my sister and she acted as though i did nothing wrong, ive actually apologized many times to her and to this day she has never come to me or anyone with disgust or shame. i hope this helped to put your mind at ease and show that your not alone.

Anonymous Z-104 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 6 hours later, 4 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

I'm not sure... In my culture this is seen as terrible now that I'm researching more in my native language. If they remember I probably ruined their life.

What's your story? I actually think this is terrible. When I see it rationally.

(Edited 42 seconds later.)

Jasper joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 25 minutes later, 4 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

My story, im not even sure when i started but i used to wrestle and play games with my sister that were "close contact" so i could touch her bottom, never skin to skin Im not sure how many times this happend or when it stared but all i know is that it ended wen i was 14 15 years old.... There are probably more details but for the sake of keeping it light that was pretty much the extent of my play. To me this is just terrible i lose sleep i smoke way too much weed for my self and smoke about a pack a day just so dont do anything irational, but it dosnt take the pain away... I wish i could go back and do things over, i fear that i have hurt her even though i have appologized many times and ive told my family many times, they say everything is fine an im the only one who is freaking out, i tend to beleive them but sometimes i get so worked up... I hope this showed you there are people on your level man... Your are not alone, were doing this together... By the way this is the fisrt time ive publicly announced my actions other than confessing that ive done somthing along the lines of sex play

Anonymous Z-106 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 6 minutes later, 4 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Bro, it's all right. If everyone in my family told me it was all right I would have nothing to worry about and would live happily ever after.

If it is really hurting you, why don't you go to a therapist to help you with the guilt?
Maybe you are obsessed because of another problem.

Jasper replied with this 5 years ago, 23 minutes later, 4 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Ive been going to therapy since i was 13, not that it hasnt help'd, it has ive lerned great coping skills and im very comftorbl now with the mental health feild, but this is just an issue that ive been workin on for a while... I have my moments where i move on and live my life normally but then regress into these depressive states.. But i do suggest going to a therapist... You wont be "cured" your first visit but it will help you get comftorble with talking to someone who isnt there to judge you but to help, i couldnt imagin the practice of mental health is different where you live

Anonymous Z-107 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 9 minutes later, 4 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Do something radical. Move on in a crazy way. Well, I would do that.

I really find nothing you should be feeling guilty of, nothing, nothing at all. Your family accepts you, you sister accepts you and you have a healthy relationship with All of them! Look how perfect everything is. Acts like this, as I have read in tons of places, can have... Terrible, Horrid and very sad endings, ending with just victims. No winners, as the "perpetrator" who is always seen as a monster who "Should've known better" is a human too and has changed.

People hit others, people make fun of others, people act in purpose to hurt others, you did nothing of that. You were just doing something that felt good and felt exciting at the same time without the intention of hurting your sister. And you didn't evern hurt her, just as your innocent mind thought, yet, you feel remorseful and bad. For what?

Jasper replied with this 5 years ago, 16 minutes later, 4 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

I play our favorite game, called "what if..." i have alot of what ifs running thru my head, its part of what i beleive to be a slight OCD, ive never been diagnosed nor would i want to but i beleive i obsess about stuff that i just shouldnt... You see what im sayig though, you feel as though i shouldnt feel guilty, i feel as though you shouldnt feel guilty... I doubt your cousins are hurt, i remember you saying they were excited to see you an you guys had a good time, if someone is not ok you can tell just from body language, especially kids they arnt very fluid with there words so they use more body language

Anonymous Z-108 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 6 minutes later, 4 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

But I can't say they are all right, as they will hate me when they understand what happened and start getting doubts about their sexuality. Is not a what if, is pretty common for kids to be comfortable with their abusers until they understand what happened. That's why I'm still guilty, they don't know what happened. So it's still probable they remember, but because they see me as a cousin who played with them all the time, well, they still don't hate me or have doubts or feel bad. Right now.

But your sister is probably an adult, and she is OKAY. And they are all okay, they told you, I don't think they would lie about something like this. And if they are lying is because they love you, and still, even if she got hurt, THEY KNOW you are not a monster and recognize you as part of the family. THEY KNOW you have to move on, and they are encouraging you to.

Jasper replied with this 5 years ago, 6 minutes later, 4 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Youll be ok bro, worst comes to worst you appologize... Let it be known that you are sincerley sorry... It is up to them and your family to accept it but first you have to know that you are ok, your not a pedophile you are not a monster you are capable of great things.... What are your interests in life?

Anonymous Z-109 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 7 minutes later, 4 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Music (Piano), drawing, art, movies, books, politics, love, friends...

But no, I don't feel like I should care for anything but them. I mean, if I harmed them in any way or form, my family would never accept me but see me as some kind of monster or weirdo forever. I won't ever move on. My life has consisted on criticizing everything, the system, the way people relates... But really, now seeing what things have I done, what's the point in everything of this? My life is nothing but bullshit, a lie. I thought I could do something for people but yeah, now everything is lost.

I read like a lot, I was smart, knew a lot. That's why this is also making me believe I did something really wrong, is not like I was a dumby kid...

Jasper replied with this 5 years ago, 2 hours later, 4 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

You sound like a very smart intelligent Kid, u have alot to offer the world, i know it dosnt seem that way but its true, and i have more stuff that ive done that makes me think " how could she not realize what i was doing" i dont know.... I like to think we will be ok

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 4 minutes later, 4 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

You know it occurred to me my cousin was fascinated with my vagina. He was in love with me.:)
Another cousin and I made out! I totally forgot. Not because I'm suppressing,but it is so insignificant in my mind.It isn't even a thought that remotely lingers at all.
They are FB friends and I see them strictly as family..happy to see wedding pics,etc. life goes on ya know?

Molly double-posted this 5 years ago, 1 minute later, 4 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

You are amazing. Thanks for stepping out like this.:)

(Edited 14 seconds later.)

Anonymous Z-110 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 2 minutes later, 4 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> You sound like a very smart intelligent Kid, u have alot to offer the world, i know it dosnt seem that way but its true, and i have more stuff that ive done that makes me think " how could she not realize what i was doing" i dont know.... I like to think we will be ok

Dude, you are awesome. Everything is okay! Nothing to be afraid of, nothing you should keep on your mind. Clear your mind and if you think about it again just think "It was natural, everything is all right".

As Robert says, the past is just a memory and the future is just a fantasy.

Try to enjoy yourself there's no point in being so remorseful in something that happened so long ago and didn't affect anyone in any way. You are punishing yourself so much for something so natural. Life is short and we only experience it once. If you like to think you are bad for what you did, well, asume the paper of the villain which laughs at others for its own pleasure. Don't take the paper of the depressed and bitter guy! That's kind of boring, don't you think?

Anonymous Z-110 double-posted this 5 years ago, 3 minutes later, 4 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> You know it occurred to me my cousin was fascinated with my vagina. He was in love with me.:)
> Another cousin and I made out! I totally forgot. Not because I'm suppressing,but it is so insignificant in my mind.It isn't even a thought that remotely lingers at all.
> They are FB friends and I see them strictly as family..happy to see wedding pics,etc. life goes on ya know?

Thanks for sharing that Molly!
I'm telling my mother I want to go to the therapist this weekend, but I'm fearful in what kind of details or what to say to him... I don't want him to see me as a deviant and make me go through many and many sessions that will make me feel worse.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 4 minutes later, 4 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

You're going to tell your mom?! I'm so happy!:)
You know your mom. What can you say that will convince her that this is a dire need,yet giving her no details?

(Edited 17 seconds later.)

Jasper replied with this 5 years ago, 3 minutes later, 4 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

I want to feel better about myself and want others to too... I feel like a monster at times so i know where you guys are coming from and i dont want people to feel that way if they dont have too, but at times im not sure if i deserve to feel this way... I just want life and love for all Ughh

Anonymous Z-110 replied with this 5 years ago, 27 seconds later, 4 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

She has seen me depressed lately... She thinks it's just because I'm a teenager, but she sometimes tell me "What's going on? Why are you so serious lately"

I don't know, I think I will say there's something bothering me but I want to discuss it with the therapist.

(Edited 26 seconds later.)

rbacon joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 1 hour later, 4 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

I sincerely believe your 100% not a threat to anyone and you've punished yourself far more than you think you deserve. I think therapy would be good but I do have a concern for you, Anon. Correct me if I'm wrong everyone, but if he is a minor can the therapist divulge his case with his parents, especially if said therapist believes the information is something the doctor feels the parent(s) needs to know? I'm not trying to dissuade you from anything that my help you, but just be informed.

Anonymous Z-112 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 12 minutes later, 4 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Thanks for the concern... But I think I need to do it, I hate living like this.

Anonymous Z-113 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 20 hours later, 4 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Molly, do you really believe I can't get to a juvenile reclusory for this?
I feel awful, but what if confessing to a therapist makes everything even worse? I'm so scared, I'm so confused. What if he tells my family?

I mean I'm so young to be thinking in all of this... My family, what would they all think of me? They're just so fucking perfect. Everyone is so perfect in my family, normal problems, nothing involving this kind of things...

I don't know what would they think of me, I don't want to ruin them... I want to escape...

I want to be with that girl right now, but I have so many problems going in my life... I fucked up, EVERYTHING.
I mean, WHY DID I DO THAT, JUST WHY, WHY AND WHY WHYYY. WHYYYY.

Why in the name of fuck did I even think to do something as that. Why?! I just don't know what to do. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know.

I feel like she likes me, but I can't even, what if someday she knows? i don't want to ruin more lives. I just don't want to.

Going to therapy IS a really serious decision, as it could depend on the rest of my life. I can't TALK to anyone, I just fucking can't tell. It's a big barrier to break. Terribly big. Horribly BIG. And then, those poor kids, I cannot even think about their image. What the hell brought me up to do that!!

(Edited 23 minutes later.)

Anonymous Z-114 joined in and replied with this 5 years ago, 1 day later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

Don't ever answer to me again, okay? My mind is just scared and is really dumb. I don't feel like in the last post. Anyways, I'm still unsure of going to therapy, but I might end up going. Whatever happens, the best is to stop looking for answers on the internet.

Thanks, now... I think IT is the final thanks. If you want to, answer once, but I won't answer back. I like to answer because I think it's rude to not so, but now you will know why I am not answering.

Molly replied with this 5 years ago, 2 hours later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Hi sweet friend. We go to our cabin in the woods almost every weekend.We just got back,and I checked here to see how you are doing.I know what pain you are in,and feel a need to help.This is why I stick around. You and I both know you are in desperate need of a therapist,because the problem is too big. In my mind,and I greatly suspect from the therapist,this one particular 'problem' with the cousins is making something HUGE come out. He/she will know how to help/work it out. I hope you can find the courage to go,and know your fears are the only thing telling you,you will be convicted. Compassion,and therapy go hand in hand. Like Dr Robert said,tell them its a dream if you need to.Take it slow and 'feel' it out. You'll eventually know if you are secure or not.If you feel secure,you'll start opening up(like you did here). You'll just know.

I of course,will always be thinking about you. I really hope you choose therapy,and think I MIGHT be keeping you from making this scary leap,by being here for you instead.

Know you are not anything but a normal,healthy,VERY loving guy. You have a lot to offer. Telling you,and no matter how I show you,or what you read is not helping you from seeing that your act couldn't be any other way at THAT time. You were wired to not have that boundary.He/she will have compassion for you even before you recognize it,all be sorting out your past. You are innocent because of that. There is a reason why you are hanging on to self hatred that can only be dealt with by a trained professional. No judges. No convictions are going to happen... I love you kid. Take care!!!-Molly

Molly double-posted this 5 years ago, 20 seconds later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

Oh yea...and dont write back.;)

Anonymous Z-115 joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 week later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

WHY DOESN'T IT STOP.

Even though I acknowledge it as normal, and I acknowledge my cousins are all right my mind sometimes finds the way to make me feel terrible and I can't enjoy ANYTHING. I do everything you all say, all the techniques I've read thousands of stuff. It even hurts physically, my head hurts so much. What the hell should I do. I can't do ANYTHING, IM BLOCKED!

Anonymous Z-116 joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 3 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

I don't even know what's going ON IN MY HEAD. One point I'm perfectly okay, and then I'm overwhelmed with thoughts I don't even know how appeared.

I FEEL LIKE SHIT.

(Edited 47 seconds later.)

Molly joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 2 hours later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

I honestly think you have to get looked at. You very well could have a disorder.A serious one. I do not know.You dont know. Not to talk about the cousin thing either.Its way past that now...as you know.

rbacon replied with this 4.9 years ago, 2 hours later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

Molly's probably right, though there is one more thing to consider(and I'm sure this point has been brought up before in your and others posts.) I know that you feel bad about this, but you also have to consider the possibility that you are too concerned with what others may think of you, what is or isn't "normal", or even fear of being "discovered".

For for myself, even though Ive made peace with my mistakes(as much as humanly possible) I still give too much weight to the judgements of others.

Hope I'm not being too much of a downer, I just get tired of people beating themselves up over their mistakes. Remorse is punishment enough.

As far as the thoughts themselves, I know all too well of the bastard known as "rumination".
I wonder if you have Ocd. Part of that illness is the inability, or at least difficulty, of letting go of distressing thoughts or ideas.

Anonymous Z-118 joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

I don't think you should call it a mistake. Many actually see it as something really cool that happened before, I'm just seeing it as a different experience, something to learn about. Everything's about learning and be more open, right?

There are phases in which I'm actually convinced it was the worst thing ever, my mind tricks me into it. But then I come in terms with my thoughts and I even forget what was the cause of the overwhelming. Right now I'm allright. I check my thoughts every once in a while: "Nothing bad will hapen because of this and this and this, okay now stop thinking about it" But then it goes like this: "Nothing bad will happen because of this and this and... But what if this is not like that!" And everything starts over again until I get to another conclusion. My mind likes to get conclusions, different perspectives and it can't just let it go. Maybe it wants to learn something bigger out of it, maybe I do have OCD. I'm in good terms right now, but I kind of live in fear with being alone in my thoughts, and I loved that before. I loved to fantasize, and think about many stuff, it made me feel calm. Now I can't enjoy that and I live blocked out of myself.

decka joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 3 hours later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

You should see a professional. "My mind likes to get conclusions..." - this is anxiety. Your mind tries to search for a solution to a 'dangerous' problem, but if you are obsessional then there is no solution to be found because the problem is not real, you will go round and round in circles reassuring yourself, then doubting then reassuring then doubting - you are in catch 22.

Reassurance does not work, because the mind is so anxious it still thinks something is wrong and keeps looking for exceptions to the reassurance and creating more doubt.

However, only a professional can diagnose you and treat you, so go seek one out.

Molly replied with this 4.9 years ago, 6 hours later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

When having someone who was helping me with my thoughts,he said something that totally makes sense,and helped me,so I'll tell you:

"Our brains are like a simple computer. If you give it too many conflicting information,it will crash." So if you tell yourself, "Nothing bad will hapen because of this and this and this, okay now stop thinking about it" Then you give it different info,"Nothing bad will happen because of this and this and... But what if this is not like that!" Then your mind will crash every time.

You have to be strong enough to stay on target with your commands.

Jasper replied with this 4.9 years ago, 11 hours later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

can you work at your age where you live? i highly suggest getting involved with something that is outside of your self, or that demands your full attention. its worked wonders for me in the past week or so with my new job, im getting way more hours and ive noticed that im spending less time "thinking" and when i do think it isnt that bad anymore, i can think rationally. if you cant legaly work, volunteer....i know it sounds crumby, and your probably thinking at your age i dont want to work, but like i said if your doing something "outside" of your self it truly helps.

Anonymous Z-120 joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 55 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

You know, I can't actually express what's the problem. Even though it's bothering me right now, I can't point it out, write it, express it. It has to do with fear of acting normally, I think. Or acting as a good person, I don't know why. It bothers me watching people enjoying themselves in parties, specially the guy who feels completely secure of himself and everyone likes him in TV shows

Actually, writing this is helping me a lot, to understand how actually it doesn't make sense. I relate it, to what I did, but now I know it doesn't make much sense. Seeing it physically, I mean. It sounds just ridiculous.

Okay, I don't like watching Tv shows of people acting normally, I'm afraid of it and it triggers all of my guilt because I think of their backstory, and then I see them acting all okay because they didn't do anything "bad" ever like me. But I didn't actually rape anyone or something like that, it was just innocent exploring as I have learnt. Something dumb I did.

And then I think "They enjoy themselves because they didn't do anything bad"... "Did I do something bad?" "Maybe they did similar things" "They don't even exist dumbass!, but well... The writers do exist, and they might have thought about their backstory then huh? So maybe he had in mind what they did?"


See, I can't explain it without sounding ridiculous. Yet in my mind is terrible, sometimes.

Last time this kind of thing bothered me, I did as you did Jasper. I started to get much more friends and started to go out much more, and then I entirely forgot what bothered me exactly, or didn't just care.

Well, this is kind of helping me...

Does it even make sense that I kind of enjoy this state of mind? I think "Well this might help me after, I got into a terrible state of mind without nothing bad actually happening, I'm more experienced now"

Nothing makes sense at all.

Yeah, I just need to do something else... Maybe.

All is in my head. Just need to forget it. I was able to do it before.

(Edited 16 seconds later.)

Anonymous Z-121 joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 9 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

Now that I see it physically, damn, who just does that. What in the name of fuck, am I really fucking crazy?

I've always known I am "Special" okay, that's a nice way of seeing it. But never to this kind of extent.

How does the brain work? How am I able to know I am going in loops? How am I consciout of it yet it still bothers me? It doesn't make sense.

Molly replied with this 4.9 years ago, 2 hours later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

I wish you would go get checked out.Tell the therapist exactly what you told us here in this letter,and keep going with it. You very well could have a serious problem that can't be dealt with without medication or education on your particular brain.

It sounds like some sort of severe anxiety,but what is really causing it to spin totally out of control? If you can't self sooth your thoughts,this means you need help. You can't do it on your own. And there is a reason for that too.Its not because of anything you did,etc.

If you are afraid of watching tv,because people playing happy parts is a trigger makes me really worry for you over here. You are suffering in your haunted house brain.All alone non the less. You desperately need help with your brain. Gather the courage and go TELL your mom tomorrow. Straight out tell the therapist about your mindful thoughts.They'll know to check for BP,OCD,or what ever the cause is,and relief will happen SO fast.

This isn't a normal thing people should just 'deal' with. That's not a healthy mind at all.

Molly double-posted this 4.9 years ago, 1 minute later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)


Congrats on getting the job!!!:) Pretty crazy right,how the mind becomes at peace when it's not just sitting there festering in thoughts. Being active is a very important part of our over all health for sure.

Anonymous Z-122 joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 15 hours later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

Okay, I just did what you said here:

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

And it worked wonders with watching TV and all that stuff: "Is okay, why would you be afraid of something like that. Enjoy it, is cool!" I encouraged myself to watch things and be, and well, it worked :P.

But most than everything, everytime I hear about intrafamiliar rape, or pedophiles or anything to do with sexual abuse, I feel terrible. Most if it's really similar to my case, or to my age. And the worst is that my sexuality teacher hates sexual offenders and is making me feel like she would probably hate me too if I told her my story, she has talked of 12 year olds raping 5 year olds and how terrible it is. I didn't rape them, but... Well she probably would think I'm bad for it... Or not? Just how dumb is it to think I did something bad?

Anonymous Z-123 joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 4 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

Bad like raping? I mean, I'm not sure. She has talked about not showing kids anything that has to do with sex because IT'S DANGEROUSSS. But It's not like I raped someone... She's a therapist, so that's why I take serious what she says, but I'm not sure what she would think of my case exactly... Do you think a therapist would she would see it as exploratory?

I'm afraid of she talking about abuse between brothers and then triggering everything, but she hasn't. Maybe she's really careful about talking about that? She has talked about abuse by adults, and some 12 childs raping 5-4 year olds...

Molly replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Your teacher doesn't know shit. I'm sorry to tell you this. She's your teacher and all,but she is as ignorant as the rest of the world. Sorry to break it to you.;)

You are going to have to develop a strong,really strong inner guidance. You just have to. There is no one out there that knows more then what you already know. Work on your inner strength so you can listen to people with out it affecting you.Work on your strength. Do your very best to quit looking for answers outside.This is one of the biggest mistakes all of us do. There is no one out there who has the answers. Except the people who are trying to get you healthy and independent.

Seriously friend. Not one person can tell you what is right or wrong. That's ALL belief junk.Beliefs are 'made up' by man.

Jasper replied with this 4.9 years ago, 3 hours later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

ok, you are a "normal"(if there is such a thing) human being, person, 15-16 year old kid...you hang out with friends, you express a normal healthy sexuality(meaning you dont have attraction to children, or are attracted to abusing others sexually), you have empathy and love for the world around you. you don't plan on hurting anyone or anything anytime soon, you have a number of interests if i remember correctly? to me you sound like a very pleasant human being. thats all that matters, right here right now you are a good human being.... do you have netflix? if you do i want you to check out a movie, called "what the bleep do we know!?" it will give you a handful of perspectives that will liberate you from yourself, and it will also give you something to do ;) just know that right now, in this very moment you are ok, and i keep repeating myself when i say this but you are not alone, i have my story which i feel is worse than yours...joe schmo has his and so on and so forth...you are also not alone in the support you have behind you, everyone here knows that you are ok...

Molly replied with this 4.9 years ago, 5 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

You can also watch"What The Bleep Do We Know" on YouTube. The whole movie.:) in Parts,but the whole movie is there.

Anonymous Z-124 joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 12 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

I think my parents watched that movie with me, but that was a looot ago.

I think I'll se it again :p. Thanks Molly, thanks Jasper.

Molly replied with this 4.9 years ago, 46 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

It's just down to the core of who/what we are.NOTHING! :) We do not even actually touch anything. It just puts it in perspective that you really know nothing. Your thoughts are the captain of a ghost ship. Its just all empty.

It also shows how changing your thoughts literately rewires your brain.

Molly double-posted this 4.9 years ago, 7 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

http://youtu.be/pIJHJzDQcRM

Jasper replied with this 4.9 years ago, 19 hours later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

beautiful video molly, i totally get what jim carrey is saying by hes on the wave then hes off....i have these moments where the idea in the video you presented resonates so well and i understand it, but then i get sucked back into my hyper self conscious state....

Molly replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Yes. Thats what dr Robert means by awakening never ends. It's not possible to always be the 'witness' of our thoughts.

It's just a constant remembering to let go,when you ate able to remember. To let go,and ride the wave. We are sensitive,emotional animals.Let go of fear,aNd feel what needs to be felt with relaxed muscles.

(Edited 1 minute later.)

Molly double-posted this 4.9 years ago, 2 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

And don't add commentary to your feelings!!!:)

Molly replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

Jasper,

This gave me instant peace. i thought you might like it.

"Is it possible to stop the noisy mind? Yes, but not through force, for it thrives on force. I will show you an easy way. Stop identifying with your mind's play. Be the witness only, detached and impersonal. Don't move from this. Once you are stable as the witness, find out if this witness can be found."

~ Mooji


If you have a FB page, there are groups to help you learn to understand your mind,life,feelings.. One is Tao and Zen, Serious Doubt,Wave 11:11...

(Edited 1 hour later.)

Jasper replied with this 4.9 years ago, 9 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

i cant find you on FB....but mooji always seems like a very jolly fellow, he has a fat buddah vibe to him haha i like that quote too

Molly replied with this 4.9 years ago, 2 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

Edited out FB info,so it's not here for years on out. :)

(Edited 1 hour later.)

Anonymous Z-125 joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 20 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

So... My mother is telling me sports will make me produce serotonine and all will be well...

She doesn't seem to want me to go to a therapist. I didn't confess, I just expressed my desire to go.

What should I do?

Molly replied with this 4.9 years ago, 6 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Tell her you need to go. Tell her you are struggling with suicide. Lie if you need to. If my son said that,I'd call the next day.

Jasper replied with this 4.9 years ago, 4 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

yes exercise will produce serotonin, but if you feel you must speak to therapist stress to her that you would like to see one, if she still refuses chances are she has her own fears about therapy and will feel uncomfortable about it...but it is not about her, this is about you what you need to feel better.

Anonymous Z-126 joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 5 days later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

Everything just keeps going round and round...
I always come with the same conclusions. I'm aware of all of my loops. It's terrible, it's just so depressing. I completely lost myself, I lost my life, my real beliefs. I just stopped working.

I didn't see this coming. Nothing works, they just think I want attention.

I didn't even remember I was in love before and kind of in the middle of this. I don't enjoy anything, or even think rationally. I just exist.

Really, how killing myself would be any different?. The pain will go away, I don't feel anything else anyways.

But I'm just a coward, I wouldn't do it anyways.

Anonymous Z-127 joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 18 hours later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

OK, it's impossible. My mother thinks I'm an idiot for wanting to go to the therapist, she wants to put me to work.

"YOU JUST GO IN THE INTERNET TO CREATE YOURSELF TROUBLE, YOU HAVE EVERYTHING, WHY ARE YOU NOT HAPPY".

Maybe it's for the best, but I'm not even sure, I'm so deluded I don't think I'll be able to go on.

I'm just a waste of space, what the hell should I do.

Molly replied with this 4.9 years ago, 24 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Push it! Tell her you ate going. Tell her you are in dire need. Is there any other family member who will listen to you?

Anonymous Z-128 joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 4 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

I don't think anyone with money would do it. My brothers maybe, but they can't get me with a therapist.

(Edited 24 seconds later.)

Molly replied with this 4.9 years ago, 9 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

Does your mom know how serious it is? Have you told her in depth? Besides cousin thing?

Anonymous Z-129 joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 39 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

I haven't told her about the touching stuff, just that I feel terrible, anxious, depressed, obsessed.

I can't talk about that, maybe it will be terrible for her.

Sifter replied with this 4.9 years ago, 41 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
OP, do you have a family doctor you can see for help with this? One path could be to go to the doctor and ask to be assessed for depression/anxiety. If the doctor can see the extent of your problem, they could help explain to your mother that you really need this.

Anonymous Z-130 joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 2 hours later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> OP, do you have a family doctor you can see for help with this? One path could be to go to the doctor and ask to be assessed for depression/anxiety. If the doctor can see the extent of your problem, they could help explain to your mother that you really need this.

I can't do any of that...

Boy, I'm at my limit. I feel cynical if I live and forget, I feel terrible when I obssesively search for reassurance, I think in escaping or suicide at nights, my mind goes in loops, I can't stop thinking in anything but the mistakes, in terrible scenarios that could happen, in pedophilia, in abusers...

Seriously, I don't have anyone to talk to. I'm just alone, trying to not think on it, it's such an overwhelming feeling.

Sifter replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
Why can't you do that? You have a doctor, right?

Anonymous Z-130 replied with this 4.9 years ago, 11 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> Why can't you do that? You have a doctor, right?

Hmmm... If you mean the psychologist that threated me before, I can't contact him, as I don't have his number. My mom knows, but who knows where is it. She has the power to "summon" him.

Sifter replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 minute later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
I mean your family doctor. Read my post again. (Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Anonymous Z-130 replied with this 4.9 years ago, 15 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> I mean your family doctor. Read my post again. (Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

Well, as far as I know I don't. And if I have one is the same situation, I can't talk to him.

Sifter replied with this 4.9 years ago, 6 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
You can take yourself to a general practitioner, you don't need your mother's permission for that, and it's probably not expensive. When you get there, tell him or her you are feeling very anxious and depressed. Explain that you know you need help, but your mother is not supporting you getting help. Explain that you would like a psychological assessment and help talking to your mother so that you can get the help you need. It's this important.

Molly replied with this 4.9 years ago, 7 hours later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

OP,

Do you understand Sifter's last post? The general practitioner's job for you is to give you guidance in finding a therapist,when you have no adult to help you.He/she represents an adult to help you find the right therapist,how to achieve that goal while having no money,and support. He/she will probably talk to your mom first to let her know this is a legit concern. He/she may even give you other options if mom won't help.

Sifter replied with this 4.9 years ago, 4 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
thanks for clarifying, Molly. I don't think I put that too clearly.

WeirdKid joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 2 days later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

So... Yeah, I don't think I can't get that either... I'm not even sure about what thing a practitioner is in spanish (A literal traduction doesn't work for me, or I might be really ignorant).

Anyways, my family thinks I'm acting like a crazy guy, and they think I'm being a teenager. I tend to go around and around and walk like a mad guy in my house, and everyone screams at me because I annoy them. Maybe this is part of it, I think they think I just want to get attention by doing this, and I don't need therapy but less attention. And that might be true, I probably I'm overreacting to anything, but that's kind of a paradox, because I might need a therapist to not overreact and to not "want attention" as they probably think.

So, while I fail to get a therapist (My mother is considering it, at least), I'm not sure if I'm actually learning something with my obsessions. I read about human experiences, about childhood sexuality, point of view of CPS, point of view of participants, point of view of parents, of purish people, my own point of view is yet to be known by me. I've come to the conclusion that this topic is a Taboo and lacks information and is ambiguous everywhere for a reason, but I'm not sure what that reason is. Maybe it's not that serious, maybe it happens a lot...

Anyways, it seems that the point of view of society in my place is: "This happens as childs" or "Yeah! This happens quite a lot, make it as it never happened!" Yet I've even read quite disturbing things about "Yeah, my uncle did that, not that big of a deal". I've entered in sites I probably shouldn't have, and it's like I can't stop reading and researching.

I've also come to the conclusion that internet is filled with bullshit and I shouldn't research here, but from professional people, or books.

I think I'm gonna study psychology, or sociology...

Molly replied with this 4.9 years ago, 31 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

2 things that come to mind. 1) You aren't doing anything wrong. You acting out by circling can't be helped until someone actually relieves you by helping. So don't feel bad about how you act.

2) Even though you are obsessing,you are become very knowledgable which is awesome! It seems like you are getting to the point where you can read the bull shit,and call it out for what it is..bull shit (on reference to people over reacting to our sensual human bodies.)

Keep pushing your mom,or you'll never stop with these obsessions I suspect. There is much to investigate in you.

(Edited 48 seconds later.)

Sifter replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
A general practitioner is just another name for a family doctor, ordinary doctor. The one you'd go to see if you had a persistent cough. They can help you get assessed and help your mom understand how important this is.

WeirdKid joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 2 days later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

No luck in that. I don't have a general practitioner, that's not common in here. I go to social services if I need medical attention, is free in here. But, I have a private psychologist, and I'm not sure on where do you get free mental health...

I'm just gonna keep insisting.

Marc joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 23 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

I also want to kill myself, but for whole different reasons. And for you I say you have hope! You have potential! There is an way out for you! Don't do it you are still too young to know how life really is. You need to search for help, go for a psychiatrist. You can go alone no one will have to know about it. He or she can help you if you will find a good one. And don't worry when the first one can't help you just find another one.

That you are doing something like that is wrong I quess, but you haven't hurt anyone but yourself, so you shouldn't feel so quilty. You are not a bad person when you regret it and won't do it again. The other things is that a right person who knows about these things very well like a good psychiatrist can help you.

Don't give up.

I know they say that death isn't answer, because it really sometimes is. But for you it IS NOT an answer. You need to clear this out and not run away.
See if you feel quilty about doing this then why do you want to hurt people that are close to you even more?
No one knows what happens after we die. And if our souls go somewhere then you will have even more quilt. And I hardly believe that death is just and end, it would be too good to be true.

(Edited 5 minutes later.)

WeirdKid replied with this 4.9 years ago, 10 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

Yeah, but probably I will damage my family more if I stay alive and things come out... Even being gay would ruin my relationship with my uncle and cousins. Just imagine this... My family loves those kids, I do too. If someone knows what I did, I'll probably be just a weird sick rapist. A stigma in the family forever, and in those kid's heads.

I'm just not sure, and my head hurts a lot. There's too much fucking pain and I don't even know what is good and what is bad at this rate.

Marc replied with this 4.9 years ago, 10 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

Another thing is you are drowning in your selfpity. I know this comes in times like these and you have no power over this. But you are seeing world through dark eyes. Yet don't worry it will pass soon. Don't let despair overcome you. Fight it somehow, find a way. I know it might seem like "that" talk, but I have really been there.

Don't bash yourself too much, you are feeling bad about something that wasn't your fault. It's not like you chose to be "weird". You are feeling quilty and you care for other people and that means you have a good heart. You are not a monseter, maybe you just need help.

And you will surely HURT your family more with killing yourself. First that is the thing you choose and you should feel guilty about that. But being gay is not chosen.
And if your faimily doesn't respect that what can you do? If your family loves you they shouldn't hate you for that.

(Edited 55 seconds later.)

WeirdKid replied with this 4.9 years ago, 10 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

Thanks for caring so much about me. Really thanks, I needed this "talk" right now.
Every day is just so overwhelming, I'm not sure if it's really my selfpity, or if it's actually reality... But having a slap in the face by someone else really helps.

Really, thanks.

WeirdKid joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 day later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

They came again to sleep over. One of them hugged me at night... And then so did I... I felt relieved... But now I feel even worse.

I am incredily depressed, and that "cute" moment is so overwhelming right now, I feel like I did something terrible again for hugging him, and I'm afraid of that memory...

It's just a timebomb. When they realize what happened everything will start to be shit for them.

Molly replied with this 4.9 years ago, 5 hours later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

This is one big irrational fear. Everything that didn't happen in that moment is irrational. All that you know,is right now. You dont know much,just like the rest of us. SIT in NOT knowing and relax into it. You dont know. Know matter how much you view past,the what ifs,will never change the fact that you can't know.

To help calm your NEEDING to view: When the thoughts come in,say,"I dont know." Focus on the truth of that as if it is a picture of the words,"I dont know" that you can view in your mind. Focus on it,and cut off the unrealistic thoughts every time.Cut off the wanting to entertain worried thoughts with a billboard like imagery of the words, I DONT KNOW." Focus.

After viewing the,"I DONT KNOW", look around wherever you are,and view what little bit you do know. Focus on the present.Do present things,whatever it is that may be.

(Edited 4 minutes later.)

Daphne joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 14 hours later, 2 months after the original post[^] [v] #0

How old were you and how old were they when this happened?

WeirdKid joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 hour later, 2 months after the original post[^] [v] #0

Me 14, they 7 and 8.

Daphne replied with this 4.9 years ago, 19 hours later, 2 months after the original post[^] [v] #0

I have read all of this and I think what you have is a severe anxiety disorder. I know because I suffer myself. This is a symptom of it and even if you did work through this 'problem' you will most likely begin to obsess over something else. Have a look at www.anxietynomore.co.uk and see if you think you have an anxiety disorder.

WeirdKid joined in and replied with this 4.9 years ago, 6 hours later, 2 months after the original post[^] [v] #0

Thanks Daphne and Molly, yes it seems like anxiety, and seems like a lot of stuff, who knows...

Did you really read everything? Then really, I'm very grateful. You really think this problem is just inside my head then?

I can't focus Molly, I've tried very hard. I can while I'm at school, but it's not Focus, is more like distraction of my problems. I like to be with people because of that.

(Edited 6 minutes later.)

Daphne replied with this 4.9 years ago, 1 hour later, 2 months after the original post[^] [v] #0

Are you male or female? Not that it matters, just curious.
Yes I would definitely say you are suffering anxiety, it is the anxiety which is keeping the memory alive and causing you so much emotional distress. We need to look at this problem differently. It's clear that it doesn't matter what people say here, the anxiety aspect is going to keep drawing you back to it.
Here's how I see it:
You are clearly a good person with morals, but what really stands out for me and the reason I know you have a kind heart is your concern for your cousins and the impact this has had on them. It's an unselfish concern and I think this is the heart of the problem and if you could only find out whether they are effected, you could put this whole thing behind you. It's simple, if they are unaffected, then there really is no damage done.
I think for your own piece of mind you need to find a way to ask them if they have any recollection of the event.
Once when I got so stinking drunk I couldn't remember anything I became sick with the thought that I may have done something to a younger family member. I knew the only thing I could do to stop my worrying was to ask him. My mum asked him for me, she simply said to him 'Daphne is worried that when she got drunk she hurt you in some way... Did she hurt you?' he said no, and that was the end of it.
Are you able to get your cousins together and ask them something along the lines of 'I want to ask you guys something that has been worrying me.. I am worried that one night when we were all sleeping in the same bed I may have hurt you in some way, or done something to frighten you, I'm worried that when I was dreaming I may have touched you in my sleep (lie for your sake as well as theirs) the reply obviously will be either yes you did or no we don't remember. If the answer is yes you can tell them you are very sorry, you didn't mean to do anything to hurt them and you love them very much. If the answer is no, you can say 'ok thank you, I just got worried because I'd never wish to do anything to hurt you, it must have just been a strange dream I had'
I really don't see that you have any other option.
By the way, I did some things I'm not proud of when I was young, but these things don't define who you are now. Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm one of the most gentle, sensitive and caring people they know. This is what I'm told :-). I wouldn't wish any suffering on anybody and do my best by everyone. What I'm saying is, this incident doesn't make ou a monster or a pervert or anything of the sort.
All the best xx

WeirdKid replied with this 4.9 years ago, 5 hours later, 2 months after the original post[^] [v] #0

I'm a male.

Yes, I've been thinking hard on that one... Is it really for the best to mention it? Maybe the result could be counter productive... And I don't think I'll even be able to do it, and if they respond they actually remember... It's impossible for me to tell a lie, let alone know my life and their lives depend on a live...

Thanks for the kind words. It's incredible how kind people can be, I never thought I would get sympathy from anyone and there are many people in here helping me out. This gives me a lot of hope at least...

Thanks everyone, yet again and again.
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