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Topic: Guilty about Dog Licking

Ashamed started this discussion 5.6 years ago #1,953

Growing up, I spent a lot of time in chatrooms online. Needless to say, I learned a lot about sex from these chatrooms. Men taught me how to masturbate when I had no idea what that meant. They also encouraged me to do things with the family dog.

I knew it was wrong, even then, but I didn't know how wrong it was or that it was even considered abuse. The first porn I ever saw was bestiality (it popped up unexpectedly). I let the dog lick me, first at the suggestion of one of those internet voyeuers, and years later, I feel SO much remorse and guilt and anxiety for it.

I am not sure but I think I may have repeated this later in life -- around the time I was 19 or 20 or so. I was a late bloomer and still had not had a human sexual experience. I was very, very depressed at the time, and I think I figured, "What does it matter? I'm fucked up anyway."

Although the jury is out on whether or not this hurts the dog, I'm not very happy that my first sexual experience was with a dog (or that I learned about all this stuff online). I feel guilty and fucked up and wrong.

The worst part is, when I think about it, I sometimes get turned out because it did feel good. I've since had human sexual experiences, and I have not reacted as strongly, which makes me feel even worse.

I don't want to ever do this again - I had no idea this was illegal or so, so wrong or even considered animal abuse. I'm worried about my emotions that arose from doing this - do I have a weird bond with the dog now? Also, I volunteer at an animal shelter, and I feel so sick about that now. What's someone who abused an animal doing at a shelter? Do I have some sick subconscious motivation? Am I actually attracted sexually to dogs? It's so fucked up.

Please let me know if you have any tips for how to let this go. I don't want to ever do something this stupid again. The guilt came back to haunt me years later, and I can't stand it. I've read Dr. Robert's post about this being a normal part of experimentation as an adolescent but it seems that I did it a little past adolescence too (though maybe for me, this was adolescence still). I hate thinking that I can still be turned on by thinking about this but I don't think I'm attracted to animals in a sexual way. I'd much rather be with a human!

Please help!

(Edited 35 seconds later.)

Sifter joined in and replied with this 5.6 years ago, 19 hours later[^] [v] #0

How could it hurt the dog? Did you force the dog? It's easy to tell when a dog is hurt, because generally they whine, cry or show other signs of distress. Do you think the dog is psychologically damaged by the experience? Do you think the dog is wandering around feeling guilty or dirty or different from other dogs? If not, how is this abuse? If you fantasize about being licked by the dog, who is hurt? Does it make the dog feel uncomfortable? Are you secretly volunteering at the shelter in the hope of getting private time with a beagle? If not, why should you suspect your own motives?

Human sexuality and human life is weird and wonderful. It's far stranger than most people acknowledge. But we get a lot of variety and individuality from our weirdness. If you don't want to do this again, don't do it again. If you don't want to tell anyone about it, don't tell anyone about it. But the guilt, shame, self-disgust and anxiety are what are hurting someone here (you), not the licking experience.

One other thing: do you think those guys on the internet took advantage of you? Whether or not the dog is, you ARE capable of feeling guilty, dirty and different from other people. You might have some hurt, anger and anxiety left over from them making sexual use of you before you were ready. If you think that's an issue, maybe see a therapist?

(Edited 1 minute later.)

Ashamed (OP) replied with this 5.6 years ago, 4 hours later, 23 hours after the original post[^] [v] #0

Thanks Sifter. In that case, I didn't "force" the dog so much as encourage. The dog did get scared when I started to orgasm (and I didn't even know what that was at the time!)

Yes, I do think the Internet guys took advantage, and I'm working through it with a therapist. However, I am way too ashamed to mention the dog thing except to say, "they encouraged me to do things with the dog". The therapist replied with a look of disgust, and I decided to shut my mouth and move on to the other things they encouraged (incest, bdsm, etc.)

What I did is a felony in the state I live in (though I did it in a state where it's a misdemeanor) so I feel I want to be careful about saying anything.

Thanks, this made me feel a bit better.

Sifter replied with this 5.6 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #0

I'm so sorry that happened to you - that those guys took advantage of your innocence. I'm willing to bet your therapist was disgusted at them, not at you.

As for the dog getting scared, remember that dogs don't have the same structure of meaning as we do. A dog would not be traumatised by the passing surprise of you moving in an odd way or making noise - any more than if you tripped over and shouted.

You did a good thing, I think, by just saying as much as you did to the therapist. She/he knows there's something there now, and will hopefully find a way to help you with it without increasing your shame.

Smo joined in and replied with this 5.5 years ago, 5 days later, 6 days after the original post[^] [v] #0

The same thing happend to me I forced a dog to do the same thing, be honest with you I was mallested by one of my relatives and then I got the idea but I have regretted my sins but I still don't know if god forgives me, but the thing is your not the only one.

Ailonna joined in and replied with this 5.5 years ago, 3 days later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

Anon C, why did you disclose all of that. were you aching to let others know about your abuse and whatnot?

I tried to get a dog to lick me as well, I locked him and myself in the restroom, and laid on the floor spread eagle. I think my dog was gay though, he wasn't interested
:( that, or I spelled too bad (for his nose anyway, I smelled fine).

Sifter replied with this 5.5 years ago, 23 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

Condiments, Ailonna, condiments.

KIDDING...

Ashamed (OP) replied with this 5.5 years ago, 2 days later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

You're lucky he rejected you! Despite the law, I don't think it hurts the dog as much as it hurts the humans. :(

Ailonna replied with this 5.5 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

Haha! Sifter, I was thinking peanut butter, but well, I'd have a hard time cleaning it up if he rejected me with that too.

Jake, you weren't kidding dude, fess up. Was I aching? no, canine rejection? it was :(

EDIT: Ashamed, it would not hurt me at all if he did that, it would have pleasured me.

(Edited 1 minute later.)

Sifter replied with this 5.5 years ago, 8 hours later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

> Haha! Sifter, I was thinking peanut butter, but well, I'd have a hard time cleaning it up if he rejected me with that too.

Yoga, Ailonna, yoga.

Hexi joined in and replied with this 5.5 years ago, 18 minutes later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)
And a spoon.

Ailonna replied with this 5.5 years ago, 16 hours later, 2 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Lol!

Ashamed (OP) replied with this 5.5 years ago, 5 days later, 2 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Ah, I wish I could stop thinking about this, and shut it out of my mind forever.

Ashamed (OP) double-posted this 5.5 years ago, 21 hours later, 2 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Every time I see an animal, it reminds me.

Ashamed (OP) triple-posted this 5.5 years ago, 13 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

no-too ashamed to! worried how she'd react

Jake joined in and replied with this 5.5 years ago, 4 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Well, then just think, "It's ok!" and let it go.

Ashamed (OP) replied with this 5.5 years ago, 2 days later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

I will have to try that. Part of it, is I do get turned on when I think about it--because it felt good, and then I feel absolutely disgusted with myself.

Cassandra joined in and replied with this 5.5 years ago, 1 hour later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

It would've felt good to anyone...really, how could it not?
Laugh instead of feel disgusted.
Your problem is only your useless self-judgment, nothing else.
You didn't condemn a dog to a lifetime of shame, did you?
Since no one was hurt, what's the problem?
You're wasting life.

Ashamed (OP) replied with this 5.5 years ago, 23 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

Very true. I keep telling myself that I was young and didn't know any better. That I'm beyond it now, and that those "internet guys" are to blame, and I wouldn't have done it if it hadn't been for them. Thanks for all your support.

Cassandra replied with this 5.5 years ago, 5 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

And don't worry if dogs trigger feelings, that would make sense if they did...if you stop judging yourself it will fade in time...judging will cement it.

Hexi replied with this 5.5 years ago, 6 hours later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #0

You're worried how a therapist will react? I can guarantee you that she's heard a thousand stories exactly like yours. It's her job to not react, that's the whole point, to not react the way someone you know would react. Therapy isn't a window to sanity, it's a mirror.

Ashamed (OP) replied with this 5.5 years ago, 1 week later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

As noted earlier, I did allude to it by saying something like "The guys I talked to on the Internet encouraged me to do things with the dog" When she looked freaked out, I stopped. And again, it's a felony in the state I live in (though it was a misdemeanor in my home state where it took place) so I don't want to tell her. Not sure if it's better that (I think?) I was a minor when I did it/I had no idea it was wrong/I was encouraged to do it. I guess all I can tell myself is that I didn't know it was wrong at the time and some slimeballs who were abusive to me when I was underage "made" me do it. That takes the guilt off me a bit. It's also good (though sad) to know I'm not the only one dealing with this type of regret. I hope we all find some peace somewhere.

Ashamed (OP) double-posted this 5.4 years ago, 2 weeks later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

An update: I feel better about this happening when I was a younger teenager since Dr. Robert said it's a normal part of childhood experimentation.

What's making me feel vile is doing it again when I was older, on the later end of puberty, before I was sexually active. I think then that once again some guy on the Internet told me to do it. I was depressed at the time and basically didn't care about anything. I think I STILL didn't know it was wrong, even though according to Dr. Robert and others, it would be considered bestiality then, I believe.

I hate that my first orgasm happened here, and I can't pull it from my mind. I believe I didn't hurt the dog, so I definitely feel better about that aspect.

Any advice or compassion anyone can give?

Sifter replied with this 5.4 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

Yup. Go get acquainted with the work of some sex-positive writers and artists, like Annie Sprinkle, Dan Savage, Steve and Vera Bodansky, Carolee Schneemann, etc. The world of sexuality is huge and varied and there are a lot of happy, loving, good-hearted weirdos out there - and norm-os with weird experiences. If you scratch the surface you'll discover you're not that strange and not alone in your experiences. There are also some creepazoids around, who are happy to take advantage of young people over the internet, as you've discovered. But that's not everyone and they don't own sex. And they don't define you, your being, or your sexuality. Have a look around and be good to yourself.

Ashamed (OP) replied with this 5.4 years ago, 18 hours later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

Thanks, too bad they for the most part say bestiality is wrong (which I agree with). I just wish I hadn't had this experience at all. At least I really don' think I was hurting anyone in the process, except for myself.

Sifter replied with this 5.4 years ago, 1 day later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

Umm, have you actually read any of those authors?

Ashamed (OP) replied with this 5.4 years ago, 4 hours later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

Just Dan Savage

Sifter replied with this 5.4 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

Well, his perspective is a little more complex than 'it's wrong'. Read here:
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=496400
But actually I don't think that response in particular is going to help you especially, because I don't think your issue is about morality, desire or what you want to do in the future. I think your issue is about coming to terms with the experience you had, which may mean you need to grieve that you were compromised by those guys, and that you didn't have the 'normal' happy adolescent development path you wish you'd had. A lot of people don't, but it's still a real loss, and a painful one.

So my point in suggesting those writers & artists was not to give you people who'd say it was right or wrong. My point was to suggest you get comfortable enough with the spectrum of human sexual variety and experience to understand that 'normal' may not be as 'normal' as it seems, and that right and wrong are pretty unhelpful concepts when it comes to understanding ourselves and what we do, which I think comes across in the Dan Savage letter.

And listen, you DO know whether or not you hurt someone in the process of what you did. You don't need someone else to be the judge of that.

Anonymous I joined in and replied with this 5.4 years ago, 16 hours later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

Hey. I've been dealing with guilt over this for years. Everytime i think of it, i want to die. I feel disgusting, and completely wrong.
I'm not sexually attracted to animals, but i have such a high sex drive that i let my dogs lick me. On multiple occasions...
I knew it was wrong. But when i'm turned on i just...idk, its really intense,
And even to this day, when i'm masturbating i want to let my dog lick me, i dont, but the urge is there.
I need to manage my sexual frustration. I dont know why i get so unbelievably turned on that it would drive me to think about/do that kind of thing.
I NEED HELP.
I'm really glad you posted this. Even though yours was pretty innocent, and mine is...not. I just havent been able to say a word about it. It's something i'll have to hide from everyone i meet, and that just fucking sucks. I wish i didnt have this disgusting secret...i wish i could take it all back. I feel bad for my boyfriend. He'll never know what a sick fuck i am. Anyway i'm just rambling...
I think since you were so young, even though i wouldn't concider it "normal" i think its okay. You didnt know.

Molly joined in and replied with this 5.4 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

(Citing a deleted or non-existent reply.)

I think your definition of normal needs to be looked at closer. None of us are 'normal'. What does that mean? What it means,is we all have to suppress something we have done,and our thoughts to fit an image of 'normal'. Normal is a idea/belief. A very bad one,because it teaches us to suppress with shame and guilt. Zero human beings have attained normal. Not in the sense of what you consider 'normal' that is. Its a belief that needs to be understood on a deeper,non shallow level.

All people have a secret like yours,in one way or another. Normal is not what your mom told you it was. Welcome to the club where everyone is undefinable. The moment you realize you are in this club,as we all are,is the moment you quit holding onto needing to be different(AKA unworthiness).

If you can understand this,it will help relieve your need to be 'normal'. That is a one way ticket to a shitty life...and then you die. What a shame that would be.

You are perfect just the way you are. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You shouldn't have to suffer anymore.

(Edited 46 seconds later.)

Anonymous I replied with this 5.4 years ago, 2 hours later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

I know nobody's normal. But i mean...idk, not seriously fucked up. I just want to be okay! Not disgusted, and ashamed of myself. I hate myself more than anything in this world, and if i didn't promise my mom I wouldnt try to kill myself again, I'm pretty sure i would be dead.
I just cant live with myself. For many many reasons. But this adds another huge chunk to the hate pile. I'm so messed up :/
I suffer everyday. I want to be free of these burdens i carry. But i've convinced myself its impossible to let go...

Anonymous I double-posted this 5.4 years ago, 5 minutes later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

Molly are you the same molly that posted in help i'm being manipulated by a sociopath? If so I really liked the things you said there. I wonder if you could help me with some of my stuff? As you seem very insightful. I posted a thread about my boyfriend. He's probably not a sociopath, but there's deffinetly something wrong with him. I'd love it if you were to reply to the things i wrote in it. I can give you more details too if you think you could/ would like to help. :)
(sociopathic boyfriend)

(Edited 31 seconds later.)

Anonymous I triple-posted this 5.4 years ago, 8 hours later, 1 month after the original post[^] [v] #0

Nonono. I liked her advice here too.
I shouldve mentioned that -.-
My bad.

Pandora joined in and replied with this 5.2 years ago, 2 months later, 3 months after the original post[^] [v] #0

You're not alone. I did something similar when I was a child. It is horrible to have your whole life ruined by something you did at such a young age. I'm nearly 30 now and yesterday it all came flooding back. Mine was a one off incidence but I still feel guilty as hell. Yesterday I actually thought about suicide. My whole life I have been anxious and depressed and I think it all stems from this one incident. I don't think I even knew it was wrong at the time. It certainly isn't something I've wanted to repeat. I can't bear the idea of hurting or taking advantage of anything. I don't know how common this type of thing is in childhood but I'd like to know if anyone can tell me.

WeirdKid joined in and replied with this 5.2 years ago, 2 minutes later, 3 months after the original post[^] [v] #0

I did this and my mother caught me. She told me with a weird and worried face that I shouldn't do that because I'd get a disease. I don't really care about it now, I just see it as something dumb that happened. Don't worry about it, if you cannot you probably should seek a therapist, cause seriously, I don't think your anxiety stems out of that.
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