Anonymous A started this discussion 5.7 years ago#1,126
My mother disgusts me. I find I cannot eat around her or be around her and will go out of my way to avoid her when I am at home. I look at her and feel absolute repulsion, a genuine feeling of nausea, but I don't know why. She isn't dirty, she has a shower every day, but she used to have bad breath and her feet sometimes smell. (Sorry if this seems irrelevant). She is an extremely emotional and immature person who acts very much like a teenager and goes through stages of 'depression'. I put it that way because I believe she seeks attention rather than actually suffering from the condition, which I understand well since I have suffered from it myself. No other person makes me feel so very sick.
I am a self-diagnosed sociopath, which may add some insight? I am aware from my lurkings that some people on here don't take that sort of thing seriously, but please try to. I am not trying to be 'trendy', I just feel absolutely no guilt for anything I do as well as the other symptoms.
When my mother cries, which she does often, I feel like I want to physically harm her. ( I haven't done so. Ever. But I always want to.)
I have always had a strange relationship with her. We were very close when I was young since my father left her to look after my brother and me. She has always been more like a 'friend' than a mother and was often violent and verbally abusive to me. However she could also be very loving. ( I do not deny that she tried her best when left by my father).
I have always known inside that I hate my mother. Reading back diary entries from when I was a child reminded me just how much. Why do I have this hatred? I often find myself wishing she would go through with her threats to kill herself. I know I should feel bad for this, since I understand this is a terrible thing to wish for, but I do not care. I really really do not care if she lives or dies.
Can anyone please help me with this? Is this a problem other people suffer from? When I say she makes me sick, I must stress that I mean I really do feel like I could vomit.
I am 17 years old, if this is useful at all, although this hatred has been with me my whole life. My relationship with my brother is generally good. It is the closest thing to love I have. I do not find him disgusting.
Thank you so much for reading this. If anyone can help me in any way I would be extremely grateful for your advice or opinions.
Cassandra joined in and replied with this 5.7 years ago, 17 minutes later[^][v]#0
My opinion is that you have this hatred because she was violent and verbally abusive towards you.
I don't think you would be so confused, and kind of guilty feeling (I know you're a sociopath, but you seem kind of torn up about hating your mother) if you would think of her as a random person, not your mother.
Say some random woman walked into your home when you were little and treated you abusively. Plus, she acted like a narcissistic asshole. You've been stuck with this woman for years. How would you feel? How would anyone feel? You'd hate her. They'd hate her. I'd hate her. I hate her and I've never even met her. She'd make anyone want to puke. You're hung up on the fact that she's your mother and you think you should be grateful, she tried, poor mommy, I'm a bad kid for wanting to puke on her and get her out of my life. You're not bad. You've got a stupid, mean, bitch for a mother. That sucks.
Gregg Rodriguez joined in and replied with this 5.7 years ago, 39 minutes later, 56 minutes after the original post[^][v]#0
I have memories of hating my mother, specifically during middle school. I couldn't stand the sound of hearing her eat cereal and talking. Being around her just enraged me. I don't really remember why, after a while I softened my heart and attributed my disgust to hormones, probably displacing my hatred and dissatisfaction with my life on my mom. Is hatred towards your parents a common thing with sociopaths? Have never heard about that red flag.
If you think you're a sociopath, you probably have these feelings because you feel like your mother is pathetic and she always thinks she's right. That would upset a sociopath I'd say. Someone in a position of authority constantly belittling you, telling you to do what they say to do even though they're completely wrong and you know it. Even as you see how pathetic she is with her bouts of emotional problems and insecurity/thoughts of suicide, she feels like she knows what's best for you. It's probably to do with the fact that she has power over you and you can't stand how someone you see as pathetic and weak having that sort of power over you.
Once you are an adult and you can make your own decisions you'll probably hate her less, unless she still tries to dictate your life.
Anonymous c joined in and replied with this 5.7 years ago, 3 hours later, 4 hours after the original post[^][v]#0
I dont think there is anything wrong with you, and im talking from experience because this is exactly my mother and i felt exactly the same. I agree with Cassandra. and as gregg said, as you get older you will probably not feel so hateful towards her. I dont so much now with my mum, but then i moved out because i couldnt stand it any more.
Lola joined in and replied with this 4.7 years ago, 1.1 year later, 1.1 year after the original post[^][v]#0
My mother disgusts me. I cannot look at her when she is eating. She eats like a pig, her jaws pop and she stairs with beedy eyes like a dog. I come across as unkind, however, when I was a young child 4 years old, she would go into a restuarant and leave me in the car watching her eat a meal. She is a selfish uneducated 72 year old woman. She contintually talks and it gets on my nerves. She is a liar, too. She lives with my husband, two daughters and I. She cannot aford to move out. However, there are days I wants to kick her out. I have gone to therapy and talked about her moving out.