Dr. Robert Forum

Over the past few weeks, I've read through some of the older threads. I've found myself drawn to the awareness discussions most of all. Some of them just seem to have petered out. Thought I'd start a new one...sorry if it bores the pants off anyone.

I've been able to grasp the logic, the theory... I think. It mulls over in my mind, ever-present even when I don't think of it consciously. I find it comes up in my journal, as I work towards greater self-awareness and understanding of why I am like I am.

It occured to me:
Perhaps I spend too much time trying to work out why I am like I am. In fact - What do I mean by "I am like I am"? I think... an awful lot, all the time, more thoughts than I can even recognise let alone express. So, I am someone who thinks a lot.
That does not feel right though - that does not explain who I am. And so I went through all my "strengths" and "weaknesses", defining "who I am". (I daresay plenty of people do this all the time). And I looked at the list and thought, OK, these may be true, but they still don't feel like who I am. They describe... what I do. How I think about things. What I feel. But not, "who I am".

And besides, I realised, some of these things are contradictory. Yes, I can be very caring; but I can also be quite the opposite. I can be patient and tolerant, or irritable. And so on. "I" can be different, depending on...oh, lots of factors, from whether I had enough sleep to whether I am facing my past abuser.
So, these words can not possibly be "who I am".

I closed my eyes and buried down beneath my thoughts. What I think... where do those thoughts come from? Layer upon layer of thought... and at the bottom, experience. What has happened. What I have seen, felt, heard, smelt, tasted. All past. All gone. No longer able to be experienced, only to be thought about. Cast them aside then, what is going on now, here, now, this moment, this present.

My body remained. A collection of.. flesh, blood, nerves and so on. Reclining in a chair.
Floating.
Touching everything.
Something at my centre seemed to explode... but gently, joyously... I can almost capture it again as I write this... it feels calm, comforting... I can not stop myself smiling... but it's hard to explain since to capture it requires interpretation of it, requires thought, and I can not stay there and think at the same time.
Anxiety is gone. Pain is gone. Need for...I don't know, just need somehow, is gone. All I feel is... right, somehow.

Is this who I am? Just this... human being, alive and here, just... here?